Saturday, May 23, 2009

ACRONYMS - A Collective Roster Of Names You Might See

I've been doing it all wrong. Not a shocking revelation to some (pipe down in the peanut gallery over there!), but at least this time I caught on fairly quickly. I don't need a some sort of repeat similar to the time when I thought that the alpaca needed a saddle. Don't ask. It's still quite embarrassing. (And still just a little bit sore, too. Damn alpaca.)

This time it's texting. Text message abbreviations and/or acronyms that, according to every parent needs to know. I'm not so sure that they do. Some of them, sure. Some of them, not so much. Which ones are which? Probably the ones that kids (or even just PEOPLE) actually use would be the ones that would be the most helpful to know.

See, according to a lot of people, younger people, older people, just people, who have seen the list of "Top 50 Text Acronyms Parents Should Know", a lot of the acronyms on the all important list are things that they've never heard of or never seen used in a texting situation. And that is supposedly exploained by the founder of, a one Erin Jansen, when she says, "This is stuff that's being used all across the Internet, in instant messaging, in chat rooms, in text messaging. There are spikes in the amount of usage for each acronym, and regional variations. Something that's being used on the West Coast, for example, won't be in the East, and the South may use terms that aren't common in the Pacific Northwest. And the Midwest is just a hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff."

Um, I've lived Midwest-ish. It's a lot of things. A "hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff" is not one of them. I think I would have known if it was. I found the Midwestish area to be cold. Thus, I would have loved a hotbed of any kind! But a hotbed of sex chat-room stuff? That sounds pretty toasty! But even if there isn't a sexy, Midwest hotbed, Jansen still holds to trying to make her list sound legitmate and important by saying, "It's a good overview of what parents ought to be aware of, even if their kids aren't going to these weird chat rooms, because kids pick them up anyway." Soooooo...what you're saying is that parents should be aware of what it is that their children are doing? Wow, I've never thought of that as something a parent should be doing. Thank God for! Whatever.

"It's like when I was young and my friends and I looked up dirty words in the dictionary." Um, how old is she? And what kind of dictionary was this with all of these 'dirty words'? Like what? No way you're going to find the F-word in a dictionary during the days of yore! I could be wrong (again), but I don't think so. Oh! But maybe she's from the old-time-y Midwest where it was just a hotbed of sex dictionary stuff! Sounds like a rip-roarin' childhood she had there. has the list. It's lame. It's laughably lame. I'm thinking perhaps it was composed by a teenager in the hopes that parents everywhere would learn this lingo that has nothing at all to do with anything that the teenagers are texting! Better yet would be if the parents started using this lingo themselves, thinking all the while how super-cool they were when in reality they were becoming bigger mega-dorks by the minute.

The list starts off with some numerical acronyms. They list "8" as standing for oral sex. What happened to "69"? Where did that go? Eight? An eight is a snowman! It's not oral sex! Wrong! Next?! Both "143" and "459" are supposed to mean "I love you", while 182 is supposed to mean "I hate you". "182" should be the answer to any consumption question. "How many did you have?" "I ate two." I get that "459" stands for the first letter of each word in "I love you" if you go by the corresponding keypad letters, but how "143" is "I love you", I don't get that one. Why isn't it "I love three"? The 3 on the keypad is DEF. Maybe "143" really means "I love Def Leppard." Yeah, that's probably it. Man, I am feeling cooler by the minute!

They felt the need to throw in the word "banana" as an acronym by saying that it stands for....penis, that is correct. Look, I am familiar with the term "banana hammock", thus I am well aware that a penis can be called a banana. However, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT AN ACRONYM!! Morons.

OK, here are the ones that I have a hard time believing are commonly used by teenagers. At the very least, I'm certainly hoping that they're not being used by teenagers. My commentary shall follow. SIK (Shocking, I know.).

  • FMLTWIA - F-Me Like The Whore I Am (DGMTC - Don't give me this crap. They don't use that!)

  • ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance (IHSA - I hate stupid acronyms)

  • MPFB - My Personal F*** Buddy (AOTACFB - As Opposed To A Community F*** Buddy?)

  • NIFOC - Nude In Front Of Computer (ACATT - Always Clothed, All The Time.)

  • FOL - Fond of Leather (FOP - Fronds Of Palms)

  • DUSL - Do You Scream Loud? (STFU - Self explanatory)

  • IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You? (YIAAAW - Yes, I Am Also A Whore)

  • NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That (TBYMTU - That's Because You Made This Up) also has another list which is so comprehensive it's useless. The Net Lingo List of Acronyms & Text Message Shorthand (noticeably NOT called TNLLOAATMS) doesn't seem to be much more than the typical acronym creations of every variation of a short phrase or quip that could possibly come out of someone's mouth. Things like the AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse. One of the 'acronyms' that they include is "?", which they also inform us means "I have a question." (I'm looking for INADAATNAA (I'm Not A Dumb Ass And That's Not An Acronym", but it's strangely absent.)

One of my favorites: ABITHIWTITB - A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush. Yes, because teenagers are constantly shouting that saying at each other all the time! Other favorites include:

  • BARB - Buy Abroad But Rent In Britain! A CONSTANT topic os discussion for the youngsters during their every waking moment!

  • IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA - I Will Buy A Plane Ticket And Kick Your Ass If You Say That Again. Uh-huh. (Oh, that means YES.)

I noticed that there are quite a few that have dual meanings that really have little in common with each other and could be the basis for some major miscommunication. Things like:

  • ADN: Advanced Digital Network OR Any Day Now
  • AFK: Away From Keyboard or A Free Kill

  • BBB: Bye Bye Babe OR Boring Beyond Belief (Yeah, mixing up those two would NOT be good.)

  • BTFO: Back The F*** Off OR Bend The F*** Over. (See? One says "Get away!" The other says, "Welcome to prison.")

  • CID: Consider It Done OR Crying In Disgrace.

  • GFY: Good For You OR Go F*** Yourself.

  • PBJ: Peanut Butter and Jelly OR Pretty Boy Jock (If you're telling someone they're a PBJ-Pretty Boy Jock, you're going to find yourself with YAK, Your Ass Kicked.)

  • PFA: Pulled From Ass OR Please Find Attached

  • SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess OR SoftWare And Giveaways

No CLUE as to what some of these even mean!

  • LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dick. Um, what?

  • GSYJDWURMNKH - Good Seeing You Just Don't Wear Your Monkey Hat. Kids these days and all of their monkey hat talk!

  • WYSIALOB - What You See Is A Load Of Bullocks. Sandra Bullocks?! That'd be great! But I don't think that's it.

  • YACC - Yet Another Calendar Company. What the hell?

  • PNATMBC - Pay No Attention To Man Behind Curtain.

  • FF&PN - Fresh Fields And Pastures New. New pastures, but same damned alpacas.

  • BCBG - Belle Cu Belle Geulle.

  • C&G - Chuckly and Grin (Are they like Ren and Stimpy? Itchy and Scratchy? Tom and Jerry?)

  • LLOM - Like Leno On Meth. Why would Jay Leno be on meth? What would that be like? He'd just do his monologue for 24 hours straight while cleaning tile grout with a Q-Tip? I don't get it.

  • MFG - Mit freundlichen Gruessen Means just what it sounds like it means!

Let's review, shall we? thinks that there are a whole bunch of acronyms that parents need to learn/know so that they will know what their children are texting about. Their children, however, know that (in a lot of cases) their parents have never even sent a text in their life and probably won't be doing so anytime soon. The list is long and ridiculous and the ones that NetLingo implies parents should be the most "in the know" about are ridiculous sex-themed acronyms that no one ever uses...except for the parents that believe NetLingo. A lot of the acronyms are not actually acronyms, but are really more abstract concepts such as "words" and "numbers"; concepts which are apparently not familiar to the NetLingo folks. And finally, a lot of the acronyms are for phrases that not just your teenager wouldn't say, but phrases no one would say.

Look, if you want to know what your kids are texting (on the phone that you, the parent, presumably pays for) ask to see their phone. Oooh! Direct! Shocking. If you don't know what something means, ask them. Again, oooh! Direct! See, that's why I don't get why the list is being passed off as the 'Most Important Acronyms Parents Need To Know Blah-Blah-Blah". Having a list of acronyms (preferably without the stupid ones) is great. But how about if folks don't worry too much about the acronyms and instead pay more attention to their kids and talk to them to find out what they're up to? You'd be amazed at how well they can turn out like that. The other day I had someone (who happens to be an amazing mother of two highly functional, successful kids) put it like this: "It's really not that hard. You just decide, stick with it, don't be a freak about it and then they carry it out themselves." And since she has the excellent young adult children that she raised to back that statement up, it seems logical to me.

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1 comment:

Pauli said...

It is a great thing to know and experience. Most people who have participated with sex chat say that they have rediscovered themselves and found out things about themselves that they never thought existed.