50 Shades Of Elderly

Remember the three old ladies that hilariously reviewed Kim Kardashian's sex tape with some D-list rapper? Well, they're back again in the same hilarious fashion as they review the inexplicable literary hit, 50 Shades of Grey.  I'm not going to give away the farm here, but my favorite part is when (and this isn't for the kids, folks) the one lady asks what a "buttplug" is.  I don't know of any other object whose name is more synonymous with the use and purpose of the object.  OK, maybe something like an airplane or a trash can.  It's right there in the name.  It does what it says that it does.  I can understand not understanding it, but it's not that hard to figure out what it is, is it?  Anyway, here's their review.  And I've gotta say, they make some pretty good points.

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My First Book Review (Sorta)

Are you familiar with the hottest book in America right now called Fifty Shades of Grey?  It's apparently some sort of erotica novel that has really become quite the hit.  (By the way, "erotica" is the politically correct term for "smut".) Now, I'm not really one to read erotica because it's always so cheesy.  And really, do I care about the story anyway?  If there's sex involved, I don't want to read about other people doing it.  I'd actually prefer that I was a little more involved than that.  But that's just me and it is apparently not the scores of (mostly) women who are lapping this stuff up.  Regardless, I figured I should investigate. 

Let be just be clear about one thing:  I did not buy this book and I did not read it cover to cover.  I merely wandered into a bookstore, picked one up and browsed my way through it. My first thoughts were "What a bunch of crap."  Those were also my middle and end thoughts as well.  From what I can tell, it's pretty much all the same stuff, just in different rooms.   Every page I flipped to they were having sex.  The story is told from a woman's perspective which pretty much explains why there is a bunch of details about what is in the room and stuff like that.  Men don't care about crap like that.  Men want sex.  But I guess women want details about the sorts of sheets that they're going to be doing it on?  (Not any women that I know, by the way.  But I guess other women?)

"I have scissors here.  He holds them up for me to see.  "I can cut you out of this in a moment."  I try to pull my wrists apart, testing my bonds, and as I do the plastic bites into my flesh.  It's sore, but if I relax my wrists, they're fine.  The tie is not cutting into my skin.  "Come with me."  He takes my hand and leads me over to the four poster bed.  I notice now that it has dark red sheets on it and a shackle at each corner.  He leans me down and whispers in my ear, "I want more.  Much more."  My heart starts pounding again.  Oh boy.  "But I'll make this quick.  You're tired.  Hold onto the post."  I have frowned.  Not on the bed?  I find I can part my hands and I grasp the ornately carved wooden post.  "Lower," he orders. "Don't let go.  If you do, I'll spank you.  Understand?"  "Yes, sir."  "Good."  He stands behind me and grasps my hips."  I think that I'm going to stop there.  I'm pretty sure that you can figure out what happens next. 

You know how you can tell that it was written by a woman?  She goes on to describe the bed and the sheets and what's in the room.  I know I'm a woman, but who the hell cares?  Guys don't give a crap about what's in the room.  Guys only care about who's in the room.  As long as there's a chick there, they're good.  And as long as there's a chick there, they're not going to be able to tell you about what was in the room anyway.  I could be filled with gold and if you asked the guy about it afterwards, he'd be like, "What?"  I mean that in the nicest possible way.  Men and women are different.  And I think that we can all learn a little bit from each other.  In this case, it's not important if there is an ornately carved wooden post when you're about to have sex. 

Let's look at another part that clearly exemplifies this being erotica for women:  He said, "What's wrong?  Everything OK?"  "Oh, I was just reading about another measles case."  "Oh, no."  "Yeah.  Fourth case this month.  If only people would get their kids vaccinated."  She shakes her head sadly then smiles."  What the hell is that all about? So they're having conversations about other people not being good enough parents before they have sex?  THAT'S what women want?  Good Lord, ladies.  (Here, let me elaborate a little bit as if this actually happened in real life.  "She shakes her head sadly and smiles.  He nodded as if he was actually listening or paying attention and said, "Yeah."  He read in her inflections that he should probably say "Yeah."  He wasn't really following it.  He just wanted the sex.") 

 

Here's another random passage that I opened up to:  "We finish.  I rise and put my sweat pants back on."  I think that is just hilarious.  And nice job trying to mainstream the sexing up of sweat pants.  But this goes back to this being strictly for women.  (MOST women.  Not me.  Not you.  Just them.)  NO men's erotica (if there even is such a thing) would have the woman wearing sweat pants.  Ever.  No, the men's erotica would have her in a bikini and high heels all of the time because that's what she is most comfortable watching sports in. 

The LA Times reviews this tome and says "Women who consider themselves modest are passing what is essentially a bondage book along to friends and family members with a wink. Grandmothers are discussing the book at family dinners."  Sweet Jesus, I certainly hope that isn't true. I don't want my grandma bringing up bondage at the dinner table.  (And not just because she's been dead since 1985, either.  I don't want anyone's grandma talking about this stuff.)  Can you imagine?  Use your old lady voice and try saying "I do enjoy getting tied up" and see how you feel about it then!  This is probably just wrong in so many ways.  I'm glad that people are reading, though.  So there's that.  Gotta start somewhere, I guess.

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Sex Sells Scions

Do you know what a Scion is? In general, it's a fairly ugly-ass car. I've never been a fan. And I'm guessing that I might not be the only one who isn't a fan of this particular vehicle. I say that because they seem to have some new ads out and...holy crap! I honestly don't know how these were cleared for the public airwaves. Maybe they'll just be on late at night. I don't know. But I'm going to go ahead and say that this is probably at least a little bit NSFW. I don't know how to describe it other than I guess the Scion people are really taking the "sex sells" concept to a completely different level to sell their ugly-ass cars. Is this what we're resorting to now? How did this start? Was it Carl's Jr. and their half naked chicks slurping down messy cheeseburgers as half of the contents drips all over them? Did they sell like a gazillion of those burgers and now Scion wants to up the ante with their ads? I don't know what happened for us to get here, but I think we might want to back off just a little bit. Just a bit. You tell me. Behold!

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Nice Shirt

I'm not a fan of the mushroom. I find them to have the consistency of an eraser. If that's the sort of sensation that I wanted, I'd just go an find a #2 pencil to chew on rather than seek out a mushroom. But Belinda and Daniel Conne do not feel the same way about mushrooms as I do. They apparently really like mushrooms. They like them so much that they went out into the forest to hunt for something called the hedgehog mushroom. (It is "...an orange-topped fungus prized by mushroom hunters for its sweet and nutty flavor." If they say so. I'm not eating one to find out.) And wouldn't you know it, they got lost. And I mean lost. They were lost in a forest in Oregon for six days. That's really lost.

Now, when someone is lost it is customary (and probably useful) for a picture of the lost individual(s) to be handed out and shown to folks so that they know who they're looking for. If you don't know what the lost person looks like, you're not so much out looking for them as much as you are just wandering around. But let me just say this: If I'm ever lost and a photo of me needs to be circulated to the public, I hope that my friends and family can provide a picture of me with as equally as nice of a shirt as Mr. Conne had on in the picture that was circulated of the couple. Behold!

That's just lovely. Can't quite see if? Mr. Conne's shirt appears to depict several skeletal couples in various sexual positions. They're f***ing, if you will. Effing skeletons. Literally! I realize that image might be a bit hard to see, so I've scoured the Internet looking for a better picture of that very search. (Yeah, let's just hope there's no reason for anyone to go through my Internet history any time soon. That's all I need is to have that sort of search showing up. No, really, I can explain!) Behold!

Yeah, that's what I want to be wearing when I go missing. That's what I want people to be looking at in the handout photos of me. Seriously, were there NO other pictures of this man where he wasn't wearing an article of clothing which depicted sexual acts? I'm going to have to say that I bet that there was at least one. Maybe even two. But for some reason, someone decided that this was the one to go with! Remember that the next time you're thinking about wearing a shirt like this:

Or even this:

Because remember, you could end up missing and your probably well-meaning (but not straight thinking) family might hand out these pictures to the public. Then you will forever be known as the guy in the fornicating skeleton shirt (or the d**khead) who got his ass lost while looking for mushrooms. That's no way to go through life, son. Trust me.

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Then What WAS The Motivation?

If you're on a quest to find who is possibly the world's worst psychiatrist (or minimally, the least observant psychiatrist), stop right now. Have I got a lead for you.

Let's go to Waterloo, Iowa and learn from the fine, fine reporting of KCRG. That's how we learn about the misdoings of a one fifty-three year-old (and obviously old enough to know better) Larry Twigg. Mr. Twigg, who is a former teacher, was arrested in February 2010 after being accused "...of having a 17-year-old student shower in chocolate syrup and play strip video games". Let's just stop right there for a minute, shall we?

I don't even think that I know what the majority of that sentence even means. You can "shower" in chocolate syrup? Like...through a shower head? A squirt bottle? It's a rather thick substance. How do you shower in it? Is that just a metaphor and they really meant just "pouring"? I don't know, but I can't spend too much time on that because I'm really scratching my head over "strip video games". What the what? I fancy myself a video game enthusiast. A connoisseur if you will. But I am rather unfamiliar with the strip video game arena. And really, while I thoroughly enjoy video games and I thoroughly enjoy what can come from stripping, the two really don't go together. How can you concentrate on both of them at the same time? You can't! They both deserve your utmost attention and probably should not even be combined.

But back to the issue at hand. So, this guy gets arrested for, in short, being a weirdo. Now he's trying to have the case dismissed because in Iowa the "...law says the offense requires that the act is done to arouse or satisfy a sexual desire." No problem, right? Wrong. See, that's because "...the psychiatrist hired by the state will offer an opinion that Twigg's acts weren't sexually motivated." Wait. What now?

Correct. You have as much information as I do. Showering at 17-year old with chocolate syrup and playing strip video games is not motivated by the need to satisfy a sexual desire. To which I must ask the seemingly obvious question: How so? That seems to be the only thing that would be motivating this sort of activity. What else could it be? A love for chocolate syrup? A fondness for the suspense filled moments of who is going to have to remove an article of clothing following a loss after an exhilarating round of Mario Kart? Could it be either of those things? Technically? Yes. Was it either of those things? Hell no.

This psychiatrist hired by the state...is on glue? I'm dying to know what in the world he thinks was the motivation behind this very, very odd, odd behavior. I would expect this sort of lunacy from a psychiatrist hired by the defense, but this guy was hired by the state. I don't get it. I really don't. But I'm open to hearing an explanation. In fact, I look forward to it. In the meantime, I'm going to go play some video games with all of my clothes on and without a drop of chocolate syrup in sight. Boring, perhaps. But legal and totally explainable.

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Um, Yes, I'm Calling About The Couch?

OK, so there is so much wrong with this story it's hard to know where to begin. I'll start out by saying that it took place in Flori-duh. That should give you some indication of how this whole thing is going to go.

According to MSNBC, "A nine-year-old got a pornographic photo sent to his cell phone of a woman performing a sex act on a man." Good Lord. First of all, who are you people who send pictures of yourself either naked or engaged in various sexual activities? What makes you think that's a good idea? Ever! I just don't get that. What? You're sitting around one day and you suddenly think, "I know. I think I'm going to send a picture of my junk to this li'l lady that I know. That should seal the deal!" And then not only do you think it, you go ahead and do it. Very odd behavior indeed.

Second, why does a nine year old have a cell phone that can receive picture texts? I'm torn as to whether or not a nine year old needs a cell phone to begin with. I know, I know, it's so the parents can keep in touch with their kid. My question for that "reasoning" is, "Or if they don't, what's going to happen?" I can't imagine much. But let's say that they DO need a phone. Why does it have to be capable of being anything but a phone? Why can't it be one of those Jitterbugs for the oldsters? A nine year old doesn't need a fancy cell phone.

But I digress, as this story is really more about what led up to some dimwit sending a picture of a couple engaged in sexual gratification anyone other than the intended recipient. Now, the boy who received the text is a lad named Ty'Ge Moore. (I have no idea how to pronounce that, nor do I have any idea what happened to the rest of the vowels in his first name. Don't even get me started on the apostrophe.) He gets the photo and immediately goes to show his mom. So, kudos for the kid for not showing it to everyone at school first, even though I'm kind of surprised that he didn't. He sounds like a good kid. This certainly isn't about him.

Needless to say, his mother was none to happy about the situation. Neither was his grandmother. In fact, the grandmother seemed so upset by the situation that, according to her recollection, she was only able to utter something to the effect of: "I am like let me see that text and I am like wow." Um....huh. Look, I know it's Flori-duh and all, but is his grandmother sixteen? Why is she talking like that? "I am like wow." No, lady. Lemme tell you, I am like wow. Wow. Moving on...

After the grandmother was like wow, she took the cell phone and called the number and when she spoke to the individual on the other end she said that she threatened to call the sheriff. To which the asshat that sent the picture in the first place replied just as you would have expected him to when he said, "...do what you got to do." All right then. While that might have seemed like a good response to him at the time, he quickly realized that it was probably the wrong response and he called the number back. What he said, will shock you. Or not. "They say the man called back later and told them he was trying to sell the couch in the sexually explicit picture."

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What the what?! Said he was trying to sell the couch?! How much of the couch could you actually see? I'm guessing not a whole lot, as the majority of the image was probably taken up with all of the oral sex going on! Seriously, dude, that's the best you can come up with? For reals?! I guess that means that all of the porn that is available out there is simply just a whole bunch of informercials for the furniture in such productions! Trying to sell the couch. Uh-huh. Tell me, does it come with the guy and the whore? No? Aww, that's too bad. Yeah, that's kind of a deal breaker for me. But good luck with that!

According to the article, "The Lee County Sheriff's Office is investigating and the boy's cell phone was turned over to deputies on the case." The grandmother summed up the incident by saying: "Some people make mistakes. I don't think this was a mistake after he text you and told you he was nine-years-old." For cryin' out loud, forget about the phone and take some English classes! He'll get over it! You, on the other hand, need to learn how to speak better. I mean, like, when I hear you say "after he text you", I am like wow. I am like, wow, she needs like, a refresher course or like, two on like, properly spoken English that like, doesn't make you like, sound like you just fell off of a turnip truck. (I'm really not sure what turnips have to do with intelligence, but it's hard to sneak that phrase into conversation these days.)

And is she really contemplating whether or not the guy was really trying to sell his couch? I think she might be! So while I'm pretty sure that the kid is going to recover from receiving such a raunchy text, I am a bit concerned about him growing up around someone who is trying to discern the plausibility of the "I was trying to get a good picture of my couch so I could sell it, but when I went to take pictures, there were these two people doing it on the couch and so I just took the picture anyway and used that" excuse. Please.

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Something's Missing

All I know about this story here is that it feels like something isn't quite right. I don't know if I'm missing part of the story or if everyone involved is just a moron or a weirdo. I'm guessing it's probably the latter, but you never know. All I'm saying is that you don't hear about this very often. And when I say "this", I mean a guy who sought police protection from his wife who has an "insatiable sexual appetite". Uh-huh. What now?

You got it. According to The Register, a Turkish fellow "...living in Germany has asked cops to protect him from his sex-mad missus". Wait a minute. Why does it matter that he's Turkish? If they're not going to tell me how he got to Germany or if it isn't relevant in any other way, I don't care. Aside from that, however, what exactly does he mean "protect him"? Well, again referring to the article at The Register, "The bleary-eyed victim of his wife's "voracious embraces" walked into a police station in the southwestern city of Waiblingen on Tuesday to explain he'd spent four years kipping on the sofa in a vain attempt to get some shut-eye." Apparently, kipping is like a nap. I would have rather had them tell me that than that all of this took place in the southwestern city of Waiblingen. I can't wrap my head around the location of Waiblingen, but I would have completely been able to comprehend what a nap was if they had bothered to include that.

But seriously, four years? Sleeping on the sofa in an attempt to escape his wife always wanting to have sex with him? He's been married to this chick for eighteen years and they have two kids. That doesn't seem like he's always been opposed to it. There are way too many unknowns in this story for me to just choose a side.

On the one hand, it could sound as if the guy has every guys dream with his seemingly nympho of a wife there. Who would turn down a wife who is wanting sex every night? On the other hand, we know nothing about his wife. Think about it. How large is she? What's her hygiene like? Is she missing teeth? Bald or no? What sort of stuff is she into? (I'm not going to elaborate on that one. I'm going to leave it up to you as to why a humongous, fragrant, toothless, hairless woman would not exactly rev up the desires of her man.) I'm not so sure that we shouldn't be thinking that this guy is nuts and instead should be feeling sorry for him.

I still think it's weird that he's stuck around for as long as he has. I mean, four years of sleeping/napping on the sofa seems like a bit much. I am leaning toward asking the question of how long it could possibly take him to perform his marital duties. Couldn't he just fake it? Is there reverse Viagara? She's not going to be clamoring all over him if he's displaying a limp shrimp all of the time. I wonder if once he gets all caught up on his sleep if he'll start missing all of the sex. Don't get me wrong, sleep is great. Sex is better, though. Usually. But probably not with her. I think I'm done here. (But before I finish, I have to thank my friend Liz for bringing all of this German sex craziness to my attention! Nice job! Thanks!)

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Safe Sex With Bristol And The Situation

It must be a slow news day because I've got nothin'. My head is about to explode reading about all of the TSA nonsense and so it's hard for me to format a coherent post about that. (I could probably ramble on for quite some time about how, in some fashion, this country has decided that we are only going to be attacked from the air and has focused every, single, freaking effort on that. Maybe it's because they don't want to admit, yet do realize, that there's nothing we can do to prevent some Muslim extremists (or other terrorists) from blowing up a mall.) Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, so there's a once perfectly reliable go-to topic straight out the window. So, here I am. Nearly topic-less. Fortunately, I found a video of a PSA that Bristol Palin did with The Situation which is supposed to steer one toward either abstinence or using condoms. Yep. That's what I've got. I don't think that this is going to do any good, nor do I think that The Sitch is really in need of a magnum condom. (I'll bet it's baggy.) But at least they're both sticking to their guns. Bristol is not going to have sex and Mike is going to have all of the sex. Fine. Now go away.

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Survey Says? Inappropriate!

Look, I'm not sure what a "sex survey" that is given to middle school children should consist of, but I'm not really all that comfortable with the first question on such a "survey" being "What is your gender?" and having there be four choices. As I'm sure you can imagine, not all of the parents were thrilled either.

Over there at Hardy Middle School in Washington, DC, a 7th grade health/physical education class was given a "sex survey", the purpose of which is a little fuzzy to me. From what I can tell from reading the article over there at something called The Georgetown Dish, there's some sort of a non profit called Metro TeenAIDS which educates children about HIV and AIDS. It appears that in 2009, the Washington, DC Public Schools (DCPS) gave Metro TeenAIDS "...a $15,000 consulting contract and $80,000 contract...to provide programming in the schools". Supposedly, "This program has been selected by DCPS for instruction to meet [health learning standards] for the middle school grades and is used in 7th and 8th health classes (sic) throughout DCPS." Um, OK. How does this turn out to be some sort of survey given to 12-year olds and asking them about their gender while providing them with four choices?

That part isn't overly clear to me. But it does say that not only does Metro TeenAIDS (which is a ridiculous name, if you're asking me) provide some sort of an educational component, they also use their time in public schools to do research. I'm guessing that this little survey was more along the lines of the research end of things. Though, from what I can tell, a whole lot of kids learn a whole lot of new things that day. And I'm guessing that a lot of them were more than they ever wanted to know. At least, I'm hoping so.

Let's look at some of the questions and see how appropriate they are for middle school kids, shall we? Let's also see if we can figure out what in the world people were thinking when they decided that this would be a good idea, OK? Here we go...first question:

"What is your gender?"

Well, that seems pretty straight forward. Let's look at the choices.

A) Male B) Female C) Transgender (M to F) D) Transgender (F to M)

Wait. For 12-year olds? Transgender?! I'd be looking for "E) WTF". I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that choices C and D are completely unnecessary. 100% not needed. What is wrong with you people?

It only gets worse.

One series of questions read:

"How sure are you that you.......

Can name all four body fluids that can transmit HIV?

Know the difference between oral, vaginal, and anal sex?

Can correctly put a condom on yourself or your partner?

Will avoid getting yourself or your partner pregnant if you have sex?

Can convince a reluctant partner to use barrier protection (i.e. condoms, dental dams) during sex?"

For 12-year olds. First of all, dental dams? Really? You expect a 12-year old to have any sort of knowledge about that? Do you want your 12-year old to have knowledge of that? And seriously, who has ever used one of those? Honestly. Sure, they probably sound OK in theory (but not really), but I don't think that they're in high demand. Where do you get them? Other than at the dentist's office when you're having something done in your mouth. Are they next to the condoms? I have no idea and neither should 12-year olds.

By the way, when the kids didn't understand what certain things were and inquired about them, "...the facilitator...brought in on a DCPS contract...started to define "anal sex" and "oral sex." Are you kidding me?! Anal sex shouldn't even be explained to adults, let alone small children!

The questions on the survey continued along those ludicrous lines and included things like "During your life, with how many peopled have you had sex (oral, vaginal, anal)?" and "In the past 30 days on how many days did you......

Have 5 or more drinks of alcohol in a row, or within a couple of hours?

Use marijuana?

Use other non-injecting drugs (like cocaine, PCP, ecstasy)?

Inject drugs with a needle like heroin)?

Have sex?

Have sex after drinking alcohol or getting high?"

Hey, you people getting the almost $100k grant to do this sort of thing! Yeah, you. Question: Don't you think that you should tone things down a bit? Seriously. Are you trying to traumatize these kids? I'd be interested to know if EVER during the time that you've been taking this survey even ONE 12-year old answered "Yes" to having 5 or more drinks of alcohol in a row or within a couple of hours. I'm guessing you have not. And what does that have to do with HIV and AIDS?

Now, of course, parents were outraged. Not just so much at the content of the survey, but more so at the fact that they had not been notified ahead of time, given a copy of the survey or given a chance to have their kid opt out of this insanity. Huh. And they're angry, eh? In what way?

I'm sure that some sort of an apology is forthcoming. That I don't doubt. But I'm sick of apologies. Here's what I want: I want someone to explain to everyone how they came to the decision to distribute this survey to the middle schoolers. I want someone to explain the logic that they were using that allowed them to come to the conclusion that this sort of thing was appropriate. That's what I want. I want a detailed description of the thinking process that goes into something that is so obviously not OK. I also want to know if anyone, anyone even ventured to say anything along the lines of, 'Uh, are we sure this is a good idea? Because this seems awfully advanced for 12-year olds." Anything along those lines? Anything? Anyone? That's what I want to know. Keep your apologies and instead explain why you're so stupid. Inquiring minds want to know.

If you'd like to see more of this absurd survey, it can be found here. And I can be found banging my head against a wall. What is wrong with people?

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Can't Touch That

Meet the latest "fringe" candidate to upset the incumbent in a primary, a one Christine O'Donnell, a Republican from Delaware. Ms. O'Donnell was able to beat out former Delaware governor and nine-term congressman, a one Mike Castle, for the nomination. While I am all for booting out folks that have made politics their lifelong career (while not doing much more than furthering their own power and ridiculously inflated egos), I'm not so sure that I'm in favor of the replacement people being...oh, what's the word I want? Controversial? Maybe, but not quite. Nutty isn't quite what I'm going for either, although it is closer. How about bizarre? That seems to work. Let me try it out. I'm not so sure that I'm in favor of the replacement people being bizarre. Yeah, that's it. And so is she. Bizarre, that is.

This woman has interesting opinions on just about everything. Even things where you wouldn't think that you could have an opinion because you didn't know that a certain angle even existed, she does not disappoint. Take, for example, an appearance this woman made on C-SPAN in 1996. (I know, I know. It's a little weak to be going through footage from 14 years ago. I agree. But I'm assuming that, since this is her stance from a moral perspective, she pretty much still holds this opinion.) She stated that it is a "...misconception that you, quote unquote, can't legislate morality." Wait. She thinks that it's what now?

A misconception, that is correct. She went on to elaborate by saying, "The reality of that statement is that if you don't legislate one morality then you are legislating somebody else's morality. So you can't get around legislating morality." Oohhh. I get it. Wait. No, I don't. What the hell is she talking about? Isn't this like proving a negative? If you're not doing one thing than you're automatically doing the opposite thing? That's not always true. And in this case, I'm pretty sure that it isn't true at all.

Now, if that was the only slightly strange thing that she had voiced in the past, I'd probably let it go. But she doesn't stop there. No, she's big on morality. In 1998, she was on Bill Maher's show "Politically Incorrect". I'm not sure why she was there, but she was. In fact, she was on a panel with Martin Mull, Jasmine Guy and Eddie Izzard discussing the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky fiasco. (I cannot come up with one thing that all of these folks have in common. Jasmine Guy? Really? To discuss politics? Wow. It's like the iPod 'Shuffle' feature picked those guests. I'm actually finding having these four people on the same show for some reason a little more interesting that what Christine O'Donnell actually said.) She didn't want to let ol' Willie Jeff off the hook that easily. And do you know why? School shootings, of course. See, "If we as a nation tolerate sin, generations to come will reap the effects of that....For example, we took the Bible and prayer out of public schools, now we're having weekly shootings practically." Oh, good Lord, woman.

It's hard to imagine that taking the Bible and pray out of public schools was the only thing stopping school shootings for all of the years prior to 1998. But what any of that has to do with a President getting blown in his office by a plowhorse of an intern is beyond me.

As I'm sure you've guessed by now, she's not so much a fan of the evolution. In 1996, she was a spokeswoman for something called the Concerned Women of America. For some reason, she was on CNN debating a one Michael McKinney, am evolutionary biology professors over there at the University of Tennessee. Her take on evolution was: "The tests...they use to support evolution do not have consistent results. Now too many people are blindly accepting evolution as fact. But when you get down to the hard evidence, it's merely a theory." Merely a theory? As opposed to what? Creation? Why, yes, actually. "Well, creationism, in essence, is believing that the world began as the Bible in Genesis says, that God created the Earth in six days, six 24-hour periods. And there is just as much, if not more, evidence supporting that."

Thank you for breaking down what six days amounts to. She didn't really get into the evidence that she says is out there that supports that other than the Bible saying that it's so. She gives more evidence that there are 24 hours in a day than she does to prove creation. I'm also thinking that those concerned women should be a little more concerned that she is going around spewing out ridiculousness like she was.

And you know that I've saved the best for last! And what could be better to save for last than her views on masturbation? Not much, let me tell you. Would you be surprised to learn that she is pro-abstinence? Of course you wouldn't. We all saw that one coming. (No pun really intended there, though it's not bad.) Back in 1996, she was on MTV's "Sex in the 90s" speaking about her campaign

"The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So, you can't masturbate without lust...The reason that you don't tell [people] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside of marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue...You're gonna be pleasing each other. And if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?" Has this woman ever had sex in her life?! Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Look, lady...if you think that taking care of business yourself is on a par with having sex, you are clearly mistaken. Taking care of business yourself gets the job done; there's no doubt about that. But it is a far cry from having sex. You know why everyone wants to have sex? Because it's great! Masturbation isn't a substitute for sex! You could sit around all day long pleasuring yourself like a monkey in a cage, but that isn't going to change the fact that you're not going to turn down sex instead should it present itself. And how in the world is it committing adultery? What if you're doing it, but you're not in a relationship with anyone? Are you cheating on yourself? I don't think that you are. And if you expect me to believe that this woman has never pleasured herself, that is more ridiculous than her statement that you're committing adultery if you do.

The good thing is that if she is elected to the Senate, it's highly unlikely that she'll be involved in any sort of legislation aiming to curb masturbatory practices amongst Americans. So you don't have to worry about that. You can worry about other things that she may do if she's elected, but dictating (again, no pun intended) the relationship that you have with your own genitalia is not going to be one of them.

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Have You Seen My Dog?

It's not very often that I read a headline and really don't know where to start. I mean, I know there has to be a starting point somewhere in the midst of all of it, but it's like my brain demands to know everything all at once! Such was the case with a headline appearing across the pond in The Telegraph, which read "Transvestite had sex with a dog at English Heritage castle". Ah-HA! See? You felt the same way, didn't you? Had to know it all at once, didn't you? I knew it!

I found the sub-heading to be of little help, as it read "A transvestite had sex with a dog in the moat of an English Heritage castle". Yes, we know that. We just read that. OK, the part about the moat was new. But other than that, it's pretty much the same. No need to repeat. But, my God, what is wrong with you, sir?

According to the article it would seem that the owner of the pet was with a friend and taking a stroll around the castle. The article states "...the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th at around a quarter to twelve." The lone transvestite. That was important because...they usually travel in packs? What's more than one transvestite? It can't possibly be a pride, can it? Not much there to be proud of. Um...a gaggle? A gaygle? Help me out here!

In case you were wondering, said transvestite "...was wearing a black dress and walking around the steep-walled, empty moat." No word on what kind of shoes or bag, if any. But a black dress on a beautiful Saturday morning? Seems a bit somber to me. Not as somber as what was about to happen, but still pretty somber. When the transvestite saw the two women, he ran away (as they are known to due in their natural habitat). But it's later where things really start to pick up. That's when "...one of the dogs chased after the man; by the time the women had caught up, the man was having sex with the pet." Good Lord. So many questions. So, SO many questions.

I'm going to assume that this was a rather large dog. Though I don't know why I'm jumping to that conclusion. I think it's because as unpalatable as human-dog sex is, it is somehow more tolerable when it's a larger creature. Something small like a chihuahua just seems especially wrong. Huh. You wouldn't think that there would be varying degrees of wrongness when it comes to having sex with a dog, but apparently, there are.

My main question is how long did it take these women to find the dog? That is one dog-screwing transvestite that doesn't mess around, let me tell you. Gets right down to business, that one does. Did the mood just strike him or something? Seriously, who sees a dog running past them when they're cross dressing in a black dress whilst wandering about the outside of a castle and thinks, "I'm gonna get me some of that!" Holy canoli, man. And what do you say when you encounter something like that. "Stop that" just doesn't seem like enough, you know?

The article goes on to say that the man was restrained by the castle staff while they called the police. That'd be hard to do. I don't know that I would want to physically restrain someone who had just been making sweet, sweet love to a canine beast. I realize that it was completely necessary, but I wouldn't have liked it. Those staff members should have got the rest of the day off after that. Or a particularly tasty scone to go with their lunch or something.

In case you were wondering the castle in particular was Pendennis Castle. That's too close to some weird spelling or insinuation of "penis" if you're asking me. I'm not implying that they were asking for it. I'm merely noting the coincidence of it all. Regardless of the name, Pendennis Castle "...is a popular family tourist attraction and was heaving with visitors in high season." That's not all it was heaving with. It seemed to also be heaving with a fair amount (in this case, ANY is a fair amount, even if it's only ONE) of animal fornicators.

But get this: "He was escorted home and later made a "full and frank confession", and received a caution for outraging public decency." Escorted home?! That's IT?! A guy wearing a dress does it with a dog in the moat of a castle and he gets a ride home?! What on earth is going on over there?! You don't lock up or at least arrest your petophiles over there? (I know. Bad pun. But I couldn't resist.) Just drove him home and gave him a stern talking to, eh? Wow. All right then. Anything else we should know?

Just that "A spokesman for English Heritage said: "This was a very rare incident". You think?! Did he feel the need to say that because he was worried that Pendennis Castle was going to get some sort of misappropriated reputation for being the sort of establishment where transvestites do it with dogs all the time?! Was that the fear? A very rare incident. Well, I should certainly hope so! Good Lord....

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