Woof.

You know, vacation or not, you have to admit that it's been kinda slow in the news department lately.  President Barry seems to be lying low for the most part and Challenger Romney doesn't seem to be exactly speaking out on a lot of things.  No one has eaten anyone else's face off lately.  Sure, we've got a celebrity divorce with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes splitting, be it from her not liking Scientology or because her contract was up, but that isn't going to get really good until they actually start going to court and stuff like that.  Nope, there just isn't a whole lot going on.  And while I'm not really complaining, it does make it a little tricky trying to come up with something new every day.  So here's a picture of a dog that looks like Clint Eastwood.  Happy? How could you not be?  Look at him!  LOOK!

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Please Win

The 49ers play today. The last time that the 49ers were in the NFC Championship game, it was 1994. So while I have technically been waiting for this game for the past week, theoretically, I have been waiting for this game for the past eighteen years. And I don't want to do anything to jinx it. I'm just going to have happy thoughts. And what better way to induce happy thoughts than a golden retriever who likes guitar music. Behold! (And please win.)

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Rare Halloween Sightings

I am borrowing liberally (Translation: damn near stealing) from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for this one. Things that we will get to see on Halloween will include pets dressed up in costumes. That provides us all with the rare opportunity to see a bumblebee taking a dump. Behold!

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Have You Seen My Dog?

It's not very often that I read a headline and really don't know where to start. I mean, I know there has to be a starting point somewhere in the midst of all of it, but it's like my brain demands to know everything all at once! Such was the case with a headline appearing across the pond in The Telegraph, which read "Transvestite had sex with a dog at English Heritage castle". Ah-HA! See? You felt the same way, didn't you? Had to know it all at once, didn't you? I knew it!

I found the sub-heading to be of little help, as it read "A transvestite had sex with a dog in the moat of an English Heritage castle". Yes, we know that. We just read that. OK, the part about the moat was new. But other than that, it's pretty much the same. No need to repeat. But, my God, what is wrong with you, sir?

According to the article it would seem that the owner of the pet was with a friend and taking a stroll around the castle. The article states "...the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th at around a quarter to twelve." The lone transvestite. That was important because...they usually travel in packs? What's more than one transvestite? It can't possibly be a pride, can it? Not much there to be proud of. Um...a gaggle? A gaygle? Help me out here!

In case you were wondering, said transvestite "...was wearing a black dress and walking around the steep-walled, empty moat." No word on what kind of shoes or bag, if any. But a black dress on a beautiful Saturday morning? Seems a bit somber to me. Not as somber as what was about to happen, but still pretty somber. When the transvestite saw the two women, he ran away (as they are known to due in their natural habitat). But it's later where things really start to pick up. That's when "...one of the dogs chased after the man; by the time the women had caught up, the man was having sex with the pet." Good Lord. So many questions. So, SO many questions.

I'm going to assume that this was a rather large dog. Though I don't know why I'm jumping to that conclusion. I think it's because as unpalatable as human-dog sex is, it is somehow more tolerable when it's a larger creature. Something small like a chihuahua just seems especially wrong. Huh. You wouldn't think that there would be varying degrees of wrongness when it comes to having sex with a dog, but apparently, there are.

My main question is how long did it take these women to find the dog? That is one dog-screwing transvestite that doesn't mess around, let me tell you. Gets right down to business, that one does. Did the mood just strike him or something? Seriously, who sees a dog running past them when they're cross dressing in a black dress whilst wandering about the outside of a castle and thinks, "I'm gonna get me some of that!" Holy canoli, man. And what do you say when you encounter something like that. "Stop that" just doesn't seem like enough, you know?

The article goes on to say that the man was restrained by the castle staff while they called the police. That'd be hard to do. I don't know that I would want to physically restrain someone who had just been making sweet, sweet love to a canine beast. I realize that it was completely necessary, but I wouldn't have liked it. Those staff members should have got the rest of the day off after that. Or a particularly tasty scone to go with their lunch or something.

In case you were wondering the castle in particular was Pendennis Castle. That's too close to some weird spelling or insinuation of "penis" if you're asking me. I'm not implying that they were asking for it. I'm merely noting the coincidence of it all. Regardless of the name, Pendennis Castle "...is a popular family tourist attraction and was heaving with visitors in high season." That's not all it was heaving with. It seemed to also be heaving with a fair amount (in this case, ANY is a fair amount, even if it's only ONE) of animal fornicators.

But get this: "He was escorted home and later made a "full and frank confession", and received a caution for outraging public decency." Escorted home?! That's IT?! A guy wearing a dress does it with a dog in the moat of a castle and he gets a ride home?! What on earth is going on over there?! You don't lock up or at least arrest your petophiles over there? (I know. Bad pun. But I couldn't resist.) Just drove him home and gave him a stern talking to, eh? Wow. All right then. Anything else we should know?

Just that "A spokesman for English Heritage said: "This was a very rare incident". You think?! Did he feel the need to say that because he was worried that Pendennis Castle was going to get some sort of misappropriated reputation for being the sort of establishment where transvestites do it with dogs all the time?! Was that the fear? A very rare incident. Well, I should certainly hope so! Good Lord....

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Bork, Bork, Bark!

I think we've all been lonely at one point or another in our lives. But now, with society immersed deep within The Internets, there are plenty of cures or solutions for that loneliness. There's craigslist. There's Match.com. There's eHarmony. And in the case of one fellow, there was the pound. Wait. Ew! Wait. Wait! What now?

Meet 21-year old (and old enough to know better) Laszlo Arsenio Horvath. Behold!

According to the Orlando Sentinel, Mr. Horvath was arrested back in July after he took his dog, an 8-year old whippet named Silvy, to the vet. The dog was suffering (probably literally) from various injuries (of which I will let you connect the dots provided forth in this tale) and Mr. Horvath, rather than pay to have the dog cared for by the vet, declined to do so and instead abandoned the dog. Silvy was later put down.

Apparently, when an animal croaks it in the care of a vet, the do a pet autopsy (a necropsy) on the creature to determine the cause of death. In this case, there was an unexpected twist in the investigation when the necropsy revealed human DNA inside of the dog (again, I'm going to let you put two and two together). This, aside from being unexpected, was illegal. I realize that may be surprising to some of you considering it was in Florida that this sordid tale occurred, but apparently they do have some common sense down there and they actually do forbid this sort of activity. Thank God. (Again, however, you wouldn't really know it if you've either a) encountered many Floridians or, b) read this blog.)

Anyway, Horvath was subsequently arrested for sexing up his whippet (and not in a good way) and was sentenced to house arrest. That was in July. Fast forward to October 22nd when he went back to court. Well, good news! He gets to attend culinary school! Wait. What??

Correct. Culinary school. See, apparently, being on house arrest was a bit of a cramp in Mr. Horvath's style. See, he claimed that by having to stay at home all of the time, it didn't enable him to get a job or attend school, specifically culinary school. To which I say, by God YES!! YES, that IS what "home confinement" or "house arrest" means! It means, by the nature of the term "home" and/or "house" that you do not get to go anywhere! Good Lord, was I just almost defending Flori-duh a few moments ago. I believe I was. I take that back. It's still Flori-duh and there's a reason why stories about dog rapists come from there. What is wrong with people?

You know where else would have made it difficult for Mr. Horvath, the dog rapist, to attend culinary school? That's right, jail! JAIL makes it really difficult to go out and attend culinary school! How come this guy isn't in jail?! That guy in South Carolina who was serial raping that horse was in jail! Why isn't this guy in jail? Oh, right. Flori-duh. Duh.

The Sun-Sentinel reported that Mr. Horvath, after confessing to sodomizing the unsuspecting whippet, said that he did so "because he was lonely". That, naturally, leads back to my opening statement of how there are services out there for the lonely that do not involve canines nor the sodomization thereof! But I guess perhaps the "loneliness" might have been taken into consideration when allowing this sickass to attend culinary school. Perhaps the hope is that he'll meet some two legged mammal there which will willing have sex with him. Granted, if they ever find out about his previous girlfriend, there probably won't be a huge chance for a whole lot of sweet, sweet lovin' in his future, but you never know. Again...Flori-duh.

But before I get to the best part, let's briefly review. We have a guy fornicating with his dog to the point where the dog needs to be put down. The guy is on house arrest for said doggiemization. Clearly, this is an individual with some serious issues and the apparent lack of ability to distinguish between man and beast. Now he's being sent to culinary school where he and all of his good judgment will be surrounded by knives and other sharp objects (hopefully which his fellow classmates will use to arm themselves with after julienning their carrots). With me so far? Good.

During the hearing, "prosecutor Steve Kerestes asked that Horvath receive a mental evaluation. The judge agreed, asking that it be done within the next two weeks." Wait. What? Two...two weeks?! But you're letting him roam freely about NOW!! Why hasn't this been done before now? How time consuming can it be to do a mental evaluation with a man who has sex with his dog because he is lonely?? I realize the courts are backed up and all, but seriously, Flori-duh! This evaluation couldn't possibly take more than five minutes. Here, let me help! Let's see...um...21-year old...male...Flori-duh...ooh....what's this?....sex with a dog?....Demented, perverted, serious sexual issues, severe mental issues, inability to care about right and wrong. Evaluation done! Defendant is hereby banished to a desert island. Next case!

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Stabby Joe and the Mangled Manhood

The Swedes are an interesting bunch. They have a legal system that is a bit more subjective and left up to a bit more interpretation that ours here in the US. And my favorite source of all news that is Swedish but in English, The Local, has an example of just that. It involves a man, a woman, a dog, a stabbing, a biting and, of course, a scrotum.

It would seem that a 32-year old man had been found "...guilty of stabbing his ex-girlfriend twice from behind with a knife." (This was on or about March 31st, so it would seem that the whole processing of the criminally accused is quite rapid in Sweden.) At some apartment somewhere in southern Sweden, the man attacked the woman with a knife. After Stabby Joe had burst into action, the woman's Rottweiler burst into his own bit of action. 'Bit' being the key word there as that's just what the dog did. Bit. Bit ol' Stabby Joe there right in the groin and "...succeeded in inflicting serious damage on the 32-year-old's scrotum." Yay, Fido!

Now that's the kind of dog that you want! One that won't be messing around when it's time to defend its owner. And one that won't be trying to work its way up to becoming violent by starting off with a sternly worded growl. Nope, you want one that springs into action immediately by savagely gnawing at the attackers nether region as if it had been dipped in au jus. Way to go sharp-toothed dog!

So what's the downside here? Well, if you're the guy who just got his grundle ground, that's a serious downside! But if you're not him, well, it sounds like an upside to me. (And really, if you knew that there was a pretty good chance that you'd get your penis pulverized if you were to stab someone, wouldn't that be reason enough to double think all of the stabbing? It sounds like a marvelous deterrent if you're asking me. It's so unfortunate our legal system doesn't allow 'retaliation' to be included as part of a 'punishment'. It really is quite a shame.) But there is another downside.

The fact that genitalia gnawing occurred was reason enough for the judge in this case to find him guilty of "...stabbing his ex-girlfriend twice from behind with a knife" and then "...sentenced the man to one and a half years in jail for aggravated assault" and added that "...he would have received a longer sentence had he not been severely bitten in course of the melee." Um, what?

Correct. Because the guy who initiated the stabbing of the ex-girlfriend in the back also ended up with his schlong in shreds, that meant that he should receive a lesser sentence than if he had done all of the stabbing and not had a large and angry dog maul his manhood. Mind you, the dog got stabbed twice also! What in the hell is wrong with that judge?! Seriously. Even if you were inclined to give someone a lesser sentence because they had been Bobbitt-ed, you're only going to go with a year and half? For someone who stabbed his ex-girlfriend in the back?! That seems awfully lenient, below the belt biting or not.

The article even states that "The court rejected both the self-defence claim and the assertion that he had not attacked the woman with a knife." So, the court knows he didn't act in self defense. The court knows that he did attack the woman. And yet he only sentences the asshat to a year and a half in jail because the victims dog went, well...went all dog on the guy?! UN-believable.

If you're in the act of committing a crime and you happen to get injured during said crime, I have zero to less than zero sympathy for you. Don't want to get hurt? Don't commit a crime! Pretty simple that way. But if you do get hurt, don't expect any sort of leniency due to your injuries suffered due to your own jackassery. Oh, unless you're in Sweden. And in that case, wear a cup!

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For the Love of Dog

Sometimes, even when things turn out pretty much how you expected them to, there's just a little something that throws you for a loop. Like this high speed car chase in Sacramento on Sunday. You kind of have to assume that anyone who makes the cops chase them for over 50 miles and at speeds topping 100 mph has: a) done something really wrong, and b) isn't just quite right. I knew that "B" was almost always a given. I didn't know that "A" was optional.

So this woman, a one 47-year old Annette Hurd, had "allegedly struck another car on Highway 12" according to the CBS13.com website, and that's when the chase began. Somehow, this wannabe NASCAR driver managed to drive for fifty miles and, for most of the ride, also managed to avoid most of the little spikey things the cops set out to blow out her tires. But even when she didn't avoid them and flattened her tires, did that stop her? Of course not! This is clearly one determined individual. That's why she kept right on driving, flat tires and all.

Now, at some point, if you're the driver and you thought it was a good idea to lead the cops on a high speed chase in the first place, your judgment is definitely in question. Certainly your decision making process is a little out of whack. But don't you think at the point where your vehicle has no tires that you might reconsider your choice? I mean, at that point, are you still thinking you're going to get away? With no tires?! It's over. Give it up. I don't get it.

The chase finally ends with one of the cops ramming her car with their squad car which caused her to spin out and finally stop. So she's stopped, they pull her out of the car and...well....see for yourself. Behold!

Yeah, see I wasn't expecting that. Nope. Actually, if I hadn't known ahead of time that it was a woman, I likely would have just assumed it was a man. I know, I know. But I've seen COPS! They're almost always dudes! I'm just going with odds! And speaking of odds, what are the chances that the five words that always explain this sort of behavior are applicable here? If you guessed 100% that "authorities believe alcohol was involved" you'd be correct! Bravo!

But I'm not done! There had to be a reason for this asinine little stunt, right? Of course. She had to get her dog home. Wait. What was that?

Correct. Again, according to the CBS13.com website, "Annette said she was tired and a "little bit" intoxicated after swimming all day, but was afraid that her dog would be taken away from her if she was arrested." Of course. Because swimming all day will cause one to become intoxicated. Right. I don't know, call me silly, but she doesn't strike me as much of a swimmer. Drinker? Yes. Swimmer? Not so much.

In an interview from the jail, she told a news correspondent, "I wasn't worried about me, I was worried about losing my dog." Why would you give an interview to the local news when you're sitting in jail? Why? Then again, why would you lead police on a 50 mile high speed chase whilst going 100 mph with the intention of taking your dog home? I'm pretty sure the kind of person that does one of those things is the kind of person that does the other one of those things. In this case, I'm really sure of it.

She also made the ridiculous sounding statement, "I didn't want to hurt anybody. I wasn't trying to hurt nobody." Hey, jackass! Were you trying to not hurt anybody? Most people who "don't want to hurt anybody" don't engage in 100 mph car chases with the cops so that they can get their dog home! Given as how you seem to have an IQ just a tad under that of a potted palm, it's a wonder that no one, including your freaking dog, was killed.

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You Don't Know Bo. Yet.

The dog! The dog is coming! The dog is coming! For cryin' out loud, how is it that getting a dog when you're the President of the United States becomes such a big freaking deal? I'm not holding my breath this time either. I've been hearing about this damn dog for months now, and what do we have? No dog, that's correct. So now is supposed to be different than the other times we've heard this story? Apparently so.

The Puppy Rumor Mill has it that the First Dog will be making a public appearance on Tuesday, April 14. No word on why Tuesday as opposed to Monday or, I don't know, say...NOW. But according to the AP, it will be on Tuesday. Then again, the AP led the story about the dog with "THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information." The dog is a "breaking news update"? You know, I'm going to disagree. I don't think it is. But I might be the only one with that viewpoint. When President Barry was in France last week and held a town hall style meeting, a French high school student asked asked him this question: "Do you think that the economic crisis is an opportunity to restructure our industries in an ecological and sustainable way? And also was wondering whether the dog was already in the White House or not." Good Lord. (For the record, President Barry responded with: "The -- we -- we are getting a dog. This is a very important question in the United States, what kind of dog we're getting and when we're getting it. It should be there soon." Yep, that's what us dumb Americans are concerned about. Never mind the economy, unemployment, pirates abroad, none of that. We just want to know about the dog. Thanks for that, President Barry.

Want to know more about the First Pup? First Pooch? First Member of Obama's Family to Pee on the Presidential Carpet? (I'm assuming, of course. Who knows? Maybe someone got really excited on inauguration night, but I think we would have heard about that somehow. I envision a blazing headline that proclaims "Obama Cannot Contain Himself After Victory - Wets Self in Oval Office." You know we would have read that.) According to the story, the canine will be a "black-and-white Portuguese Water Dog on Tuesday from the same lineage as Sen. Ted Kennedy's pets." Um, wait. What?

Along the same lineage as Ted Kennedy's pets? How drunk are these dogs? And what about size because I'm picturing them being quite large. That could be a problem. They'll get stuck in the Presidential Doggie Door! But those things aside, why is this important? Aw, crap, does this mean we're gonna have to watch the Zapruder film again? That thing gets trotted out and played at the mere whiff of the Kennedy name.

A Portuguese water dog, eh? I suppose it has paperwork or red tape or something. I guess that would make it a legal immigrant if it's originally from Portugal, correct? In these tough economic times, shouldn't he be giving precedence to American dogs? Oh, wait. Or is being the Presidential Dog one of the jobs that American dogs won't do? That must be it.

The dog is currently 6-months old and goes by the name of Charlie. (As In Brown?) The word is, however, that the dog will be renamed when he arrives at the White House. Renamed? He's six months old! He knows his name already. He's Charlie the Dog! He's not going into the witness protection program, he's going to live with President Barry and the fam! Do they have a better name than Charlie? That's hard to say, but I'm sure it will shock you to learn that there are rumors about what the dog's name will be. Yeah, that's shocking all right.

Michelle Obama had previously stated that the girls, Sasha and Malia, had suggested named like "Frank" and "Moose". Both are excellent choices in the genre of dog names. However, Michelle didn't particularly care for those names (another shocker!) and has been trying to steer the girls away from "Frank" and "Moose" and the likes thereof. But the Washington Post reports that they have settled on the name "Bo", supposedly because Michelle's Dad's nickname was Diddley. (No, the story does not delve into why the man was called Diddley. Yes, unfortunate. I agree.) And while that could be, is it just a coincidence that President Barry's initials are B.O.? Huh? I think not. They named after him. I'm sure of it. You heard it here first.

The Post has the picture below with a caption that reads: "The Obamas' new pet is a 6-month old Portuguese Water Dog, which Malia and Sasha have named Bo." Huh. Apparently, Bo is part Hawaiian. Behold!

OK, look, I really wanted to mock the crap out of this one, but that dog is just too dang cute. Fine! He's freaking adorable. Nice lei! Here is the lei'ed half Hawaiian Bo meeting the family. Still dang cute. Behold!

Now mind you, all of this is still just at the rumor stage. Tuesday is apparently the day when all will be revealed to the nation and the rest of the world. That's when we can all let out a collective sigh of relief that the Obama's finally have their dog. Or we can just go about our lives as if it doesn't matter to us....which it doesn't. But since things are still in the rumor stage, there's still plenty of time for a little wagering. On the dog's name, of course.

A while back, Gambling911 published a list of potential dog names and the odds that went along with each name. Even money was on Hope. Hope? (My money is on the oddsmakers being morons with an even money pick like Hope.) Sam and Lucky both received 3:1 odds. Max, Molly, Maggie and Sadie all received 4:1 odds. For some reason, Flo Rida was in a 20:1, which is also the same odds given to the First Family naming the dog Oprah or Tina Fey. Go figure. I found it amusing that Spot had the same odds at 100:1 as did the name Ahmadinejad (I'm a Dinner Jacket).

Now, since the dog was sort of set up by Ted Kennedy, don't we have to add other names to the list of prospects. I think we do. And I think that they would probably end up right around the same range of probability as where Ahmedinejad is at 100:1. So let's make sure that we don't forget possibilities such as:

• Chappaquiddick
• Koepechne
• Scotch
• Love Child
• Behemouth

All at 100:1. Book 'em while you can. And pay attention on Tuesday to see if Bo ends up at the White House and whether or not Bo knows diddley or whether Bo goes diddley.

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