Rare Halloween Sightings

I am borrowing liberally (Translation: damn near stealing) from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for this one. Things that we will get to see on Halloween will include pets dressed up in costumes. That provides us all with the rare opportunity to see a bumblebee taking a dump. Behold!

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Guess The Halloween Costume

Yesterday, I rambled on about the whorish Halloween costumes that have been so popular lately. And while I don't really condone them, I will give them credit for at least putting a little bit of thought into the costume. While the Cookie Monster costume doesn't look a thing like Cookie Monster, if you gave me a minute, I could probably noodle it through and figure it out. Granted, that weird little beret hat that it comes with would still be confusing in the end, but I still think that I could put it all together. I'm not so sure that I can say the same about this next costume. Tell me what you think this is:

See, now, I went with the Creepy Urban Rapper Costume. Strangely enough, that wasn't quite right. What did you guess? Never mind. I'm guessing that you didn't surmise that it was really this:

That's right. It's a President Barry mask. Well, technically, it's a "mr. president set". Do all presidential masks come with a Mr. Microphone or whatever that is supposed to be? If anything, shouldn't it come with a teleprompter? It's not like he's giving all of his speeches (and there have been many of them because he seems to really like the sound of his own voice) as some sort of "man on the street" Commander in Chief. Why the microphone? Shouldn't it come with a birth certificate? Kidding! I'm kidding! I kid! Geez...tough crowd.

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Whore-o-ween Costumes

Halloween needs a new name. I'm voting for Whore-o-ween. What is with all of the inappropriate costumes, not just for women, but for men as well? There's something about being able to dress like a total slut for one evening a year that is seemingly very appealing to people. I understand why it would be appealing for the men to have women as scantily clad as possible. What I don't understand is why women like it. And they're really stretching it to try and come up with new whorisms this year. It's not pretty, folks. It's weird is what it is.

How is a fish sexy or slutty? Well, it's not. Usually. Unless you're Nemo. Wait. Nemo? The Disney fish? The Finding Nemo Nemo? THAT Nemo? That's the one. Behold!

Yeah, see, she doesn't really look like a fish. She kind of looks like a Creamsicle. With a black tutu. But moving on...it must be popular to take an animated animal and turn it into a "sexy" costume, as here we have another one. I'm going to let you guess what this is supposed to be, OK? Ready. Set. Guess!

What'd you come up with? Weird nurse? Snowman creature? I'm really grasping at straws here, as I had no idea what it was supposed to be. But then when I learned that it was supposed to be Brian, the dog from Family Guy, that's when I completely understood. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? I really thought, "WTF?" Fortunately, they do seem to put a little picture of Brian right there on the teeny-tiny skirt, just in case someone has never heard of Family Guy or who knows what a dog really looks like.

Next up, sort of sticking with the animal theme, we have a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle which sort of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Transvestite. Behold!

Hmm. Didn't the actual fictional Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live in a sewer? Yeah, nothing says sexy like a sewer. Sure. What's weirder than that, you ask? Why, I'm guessing that it would be Sesame Street character costumes with their little heads turned into creepy berets. Behold!

Uh-huh. C is for Creepy. NOT sexy. NOT normal. Creepy. And wrong. And they didn't stop with Cookie Monster. No, they bereted Elmo, too!

She looks like a cave woman. She does not look sexy and I would not tickle her. And the Big Bird costume looks completely ridiculous.

All of them look like their head is being eaten by some creature who has snuck up behind them. Are people really going to wear these? I hope not. You know what else I'm hoping? I'm hoping that a certain costume trend for men doesn't become as popular or as well known as the Sesame Street costumes are. That trend would be any sort of costume that relies heavily on the man's penis in order for the costume to be successful. Take for example, the Petting Zoo costume. It comes complete with a penis llama (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type) and a sign that warns us that the llama spits. So gross. Behold. Or do whatever.

It's just wrong. I know you guys love your penis and all, but don't dress it up. You know what else you shouldn't do with it? You shouldn't give it a job (not THAT kind of job!) or a tool.

You shouldn't turn it into a double entendre (ie, a woodpecker).

And for cryin' out loud, don't turn it into part of a lovely meal.

What ever happened to just throwing a sheet over your head and being a ghost? Is there any way that we could go back to that? The sooner, the better, really.

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Denizens of the Chat Roulette Dungeon

The other day I did a post about the website Chat Roulette. The premise of the site is that you allow your webcam to be accessed and so do other people who are using the site. You are then paired up with a random stranger and you can either proceed to chat with them or click 'Next' to be directed to another random stranger. And the term 'stranger' is really appropriate in this instance because there are some pretty strange characters out there in Cyber-Land. Strange is actually an understatement. Pretty effin weird is more like it. It's the dungeon of the human soul.

The thing is that I wrote my post based upon my own experiences with Chat Roulette (with my webcam turned off, thank you very much). And while it was weird, it was certainly nothing in comparison to what other folks have come up with. My experience was tame compared to what some people have encountered. Let's take a looksee at some of THAT weirdness, shall we? OK, then....

Um, yeah. All rightee then. What's next? Oh, here we have some dude who is dressed, head to toe (I'm assuming) like a cat. Behold!

Here is a man who is, um, well, let's just say "working from home." Behold!
>

I don't know which one of the screenshot below is the most hilarious. The very large individual in his undergarments who appears to be scratching his very large stomach or the two dudes below him with Heineken masks, complete with red straws for antennas. Your choice.

The only thing that would freak me out more than seeing one guy covered head to toe in some sort of colored cloth suit would be two guys covered head to toe in some sort of colored cloth suit. Oh, look. There it is. Yep. I'm totally freaked out.

Not only is the screenshot below of a guy in an Obama mask and a guy in a Batman mask hilarious, what is even more hysterical is their conversation over on the right. I'd almost like to know people like that. If it weren't for the masks. Or the Chat Roulette. Or any of it. Moving on...

Hard to say what makes this next one so enjoyable. Is it the full on gas mask outfit or is it the completely wigged out girls? I think it's definitely a little of both. He's the yin to the girls's yang.

I did a little reading and I actually learned of a "regular" on Chat Roulette. It's a guy who goes by the name of Shirtless Bird Faced Donkey Man. That's SBFDM if you're into acronyms. Shirtless Bird Faced Donkey Man is just what he sounds like. He's a Shirtless Bird Faced Donkey Man. See for yourself. Behold!

I told you! As I was writing this post and as I was scouring the Internets for various screenshots of Chat Roulette weirdos, I figured I should give Chat Roulette one more shot in an attempt for me to find my own super weirdo. So I logged on and bingo. There he was. Covered-in-some-sort-of-stretchy-animal-print-guy. Behold!

Yeah, I didn't know what to make of it either. But I know this much. I know that I either have to come up with a hilarious sign or I have got to get myself some sort of a mask. Maybe a Muppet. I'm not sure. All suggestions are welcome. Some might even be considered.

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Winter Olympics Fashion Recap

The Winter Olympics are currently underway in Vancouver. I like the Olympics. I didn't think that there'd be much to mock. But then I saw some of their uniforms. (That's also how I knew that there really was a God.)

I enjoy that all of the folks on the Estonia team are sporting the furry white hats with ear flaps. I'm told that a hat with flaps is a necessity in the wintertime. Granted, I'm being told that by someone who lives in Santa Cruz, but she might be right, judging from the look of the Estonian athletes there.

The folks from Finland are sporting a look that sort of makes me feel like I need to adjust the horizontal hold on my TV. Or the vertical. Hard to say with that squiggly pattern going all over the place like that. Hard to say.

For some reason, Germany apparently decided to go with the age old method of color coding their athletes, using baby blue for the men and some sort of a pink for the women. I thought we only did that with babies?

The folks from India have a different sense of style when it comes to celebratory events. Either that or they sent the janitors to march in place of the athletes. What's with the gray, India? The people of your country have beautiful, multi-colored saris and wraps and you come out looking like department of sanitation workers. What's up with that?

Then we have the folks from over in Montenegro. Um, so this one time...at band camp.... Seriously, shouldn't one of them have a tuba and another one have some sort of a baton?

The Bermudans have a very small team. Maybe that is why they decided to wear very small pants. While I can appreciate the wearing of the shorts for which their country was named (or perhaps it was the other way around), aren't they a little chilly? It's the winter Olympics. Here's to hoping that they wear something a bit more substantial when they're actually competing.

But here's where things start to get interesting. We have the athletes from Azerbaijan wearing their jammie pants. Behold!

And then we have the athletes from the Czech Republic wearing their jammie pants and their jammie poofy jackets. Behold!

Finally, here were the Norwegians during the opening ceremony.

Pretty normal, right? Seemingly harmless, correct? That's what I thought. Until I saw their curling team. Behold!

Apparently, the Norwegian curling team consists of very talented clowns...and their pants! Are they serious?! What the what is up with those pants? Not only are they far from stylish, they're certainly not very athletic looking and they're definitely not very Olympic-y. Entertaining? Yes? Clown-like? Definitely.

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Winnie The Pooh - Japanese Assailant

I hate doing laundry. But I've never let laundry pile up so much that I, literally, had no regular clothes to wear. EVER. There was always something lying around that I could don which would allow me to go out of the house and not cause wide spread panic throughout the neighborhood. Always. Something. It might not be stylish, but it would be considered regular clothing. This was not the case with a few fellows over there in Tokyo, Japan. Yeah, when they ran out of clean clothes they decided to just spurn clothes altogether and wear costumes, like that of Winnie the Pooh. Wait. What?

According to the our fine reporter mates down under at news.com.au, 20 year old (yes, TWENTY) Masayuki Ishikawa was dressed as Winnie the Pooh and was hanging out on a street corner in Tokyo after midnight. Don't worry, he wasn't dressed as that fuzzy yellow bear and hanging out in public alone (because, well, that would be weird). No, he had a couple buddies with him. They were dressed as a mouse and a panther.

OK, what in the hell is going on over there in Japan? I know they can be a little quirky at times, what with all of that anime stuff and what not. But this reads like a bad joke. "Winnie the Pooh, a mouse and a panther walked into a bar...." And who has these kind of costumes just laying around their house?! ALL the time?!

So the bear, the mouse and the panther (it's like a Far East food chain from hell is what it is) were standing there and noticed a couple of other guys staring at them. ( I can't imagine why!) According to the Japanese police, "It's uncommon to see people dressed up like this, so the victims were watching them." Uncommon, is it? Good to know. Good to know in case I ever go to Japan, run out of clean clothes and think about donning a Snoopy Suit for a night on the town!

Ishikawa approached the two staring people wearing regular clothes and said "What are you staring at?" Apparently it didn't matter because Ishikawa and the mouse and the panther beat the crap out of the two and stole their money.

As you might imagine (and would definitely hope) they were easy to apprehend and were arrested. I'm guessing a police line up in this situation isn't really possible, is it? Not for the Winnie the Pooh, at least. I mean, with the panther you could line up a panther, the Pink Panther, Huey Long (the Black Panther), you could probably even throw Snagglepuss in there if you were desperate. The point is that there's more than one type of panther for a police line-up. Same with the mouse. You've got Mickey, Minnie and Mighty. Then Jerry (of Tom & Jerry), Pixie and Dixie. But there's really only one Pooh Bear. There are other bears, of course. Yogi, Smokey, The Three Bears. But no Pooh Bears. There IS a Poo-bah. Wasn't Fred Flintstone like the Grand Poo-bah or something like that? Does that count? Where's the Poo-bah? Let's see.

Nope. Won't work. Really have to stick to bears in this case. Actually, we wouldn't have to stick to anything at all if those guys would just do their laundry once in a while. Or at the very least, not leave the house dressed like beloved childhood storybook characters (which end up beating up innocent bystanders and stealing their dough). Ever.

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