Grammy Fashion Spectacles

I got all distracted yesterday with the inevitable demise of Whitney Houston that I totally overlooked the fashion at the Grammys. Now, I'm not so much of a fashion monger as much as I probably am a fashion monger. Don't get me wrong. I know what pants are. I just don't care. See the difference? Whichever way it is wouldn't really matter because I'd be telling you what I thought about what a bunch of really rich people were wearing whether you liked it or not. And I'd start with Fergie. Behold!

Aside from her looking like an orange traffic cone, I gotta say that I'm a little disappointed that the one time that Fergie wears a see through outfit in a well-lit environment that she's wearing Granny panties. Throw us a bone, Fergie! I guess it could have been worse. She could have shown up wearing whatever someone named Robyn had on. Behold!

OK, I'm going to go right ahead and just confess that I have no idea who Robyn is. I also have no idea what she's wearing. Is that a cape? Or a veil? Why is her t-shirt tucked into her Granny panties? And exactly where does she plan on hiking with boots such as those? They seem highly impractical for any sort of wooded trail. Whoever this woman is (if she is, in fact, a woman for sure), her skirt is a little short. Can't she cover up a little bit? Maybe like....

OK, maybe not that much. What's with the house coat, Valerie Simpson? Did she stop off at a southwestern gift shop and pick up that ensemble on her way to the Grammys? Was there also a hurricane? She looks a little toussled. Wind blown, even. Like she got caught up in a storm on the way to pick up some Haagen Dazs. Speaking of windblown, did you see Rihanna?

Sure, that looks like a perfectly healthy weight. Absolutely. And if the camera adds ten pounds, then that means she must weigh all of eighty. Have a sandwich once in a while, sweetie. And don't leave your hair in the curling iron for so long. That's how you end up with those fried ends there. No one wants to see that. Then again, she does have "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her fingers. Maybe that's the thug way. Frying your hair until it's just a mop of frizz. Isn't there a fresh, young singer on the scene today that can show us something...else?

NO! Rebecca Black does NOT count! Why is she even at the Grammys? She had that awful and ironic hit 'Friday' that makes me want to kill myself whenever I hear it. She does not count. What else is there?

Umm...no. But...thanks? Yeah, no. Who? Skylar Grey? Never heard of her. Wish I'd never seen her. Anything else? Anything?

She looks like a fruity drink that you'd get at a tropical bar. You know. The kind of drink that you think looks good, but then you realize that it is staring right at you and will never blink. The kind of drink that looks a little crazy and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what it's called. No, I just want someone who attended the Grammys who looked good. Who looked classy. There's gotta be someone.

Oh, finally! Carrie Underfed to save the day! Man, she's good looking. And she seems like a genuinely good person. She seems humble and grateful and just like a regular person who has her act together in spite of all of her fame and success. I highly doubt that we're ever going to find her underwater in a hotel bathtub. Too soon? Nah. More like too late. Gramm

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But It's A Belt

My birthday is tomorrow, so I'm pretty much just phoning this in. (And if I still had dial-up, I'd always be phoning it in. But that just goes to show how old I am. Great. I've resorted to elderly humor. Kill me.) I just wanted to reiterate how much I do not get fashion. Mostly fashion shows, but some fashion. Why can't people just wear things the way that they're supposed to be worn? Why does everything have to be upside down or backwards or falling off your ass for it to be fashionable? And what's with hats that don't really fit on your head? Why have it if it doesn't do anything like keep the sun out of your eyes? But mostly I'm upset with fashion. Take, for example, some of the stuff over in the G-Star Raw catalog featuring accessories for men. You tell me what's going on there. Behold!

See, and I'm not new to the concept of a belt. I AM a little unaware of the concept of wearing a belt draped over your head. Why is that like that? Why isn't it prominently displayed around his waist? That is still where the belt is traditionally worn, correct? The waist? Now I'm afraid that I'm going to have to see a bunch of mouth breathing paste-eaters walking around with their belt on their head like that. I already start to twitch when I see people wearing their hats sideways. I'll go into a full fledged seizure if I have to actually encounter Belt Head in the wild.

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What's Up, Hil?

Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? I know that being Secretary of State can probably be a pretty non-stop and grueling job. You're always traveling around and trying to work things out between various heads of state and what not. I can see where it would get to you after a while. And I think that the time has come that it has gotten to Hillary. She was in Bali not too long ago. She looks like the crazy lady that asks you for change on the street. Behold!

Seriously, what is going on there? The frock. The glasses. The hair. My God, the hair! That woman needs a vacation. And not in Bali! She needs to vacation somewhere that they do not have frocks such as that. Good Lord, does she need that.

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Who Wore What To The Grammys

Grammy time! Obligatory post about fashion time! Comments from people who take this sort of thing way too seriously calling me an idiot time! Let's begin!

First things first. For quite a while now, Aretha Franklin has looked like she has eaten most of the folks who were up for Grammys. To say that she has been large is an understatement. But thanks to some undisclosed surgery for some undisclosed ailment (which had previously been disclosed as pancreatic cancer, but was then retracted and changed to undisclosed) she has lost a considerable amount of disclosed weight. While she didn't attend the actual Grammy ceremonies, she did appear on video looking much, much better. Behold!

See what an improvement that is from her Big Bird impersonation from a few years back?

See? Much better. And I hope that she keeps on getting better. No one should go through life being compared to a giant, flightless, avian Muppet. No one. Moving on, John Mayer made a douche-tastic appearance. He kind of looks like he's trying to be one of the Three Musketeers. I don't know which one. Maybe Balthasar. No, wait. He was a Wise Man. Never mind. Maybe he just wants to be Johnny Depp. Either way, it's not working. He's a tool.

Funny how he looks like a d-bag when donning the white jacket look, but when Justin Bieber tries it on, he (or she) looks like a waiter or a bartender. Check, please! (Justin needs to take a good, long look at Seth Rogen, as in about 15 years, that's going to be him.)

Nice sparkly silver pants there, Ricky. What's that? You say you're gay? Really? I never would have guessed.

A one Ciana decided to kick it superhero style with her outfit. All she needs now are some magic bracelets and an invisible plane and she can waltz right into the Hall of Justice, no questions asked.

Am I the only one who thought that Katy Perry's dress looked like a long condom with angel wings in the back? No, I don't know why a condom would have angel wings. That's just one more reason why it confused the heck out of me.

And I can absolutely overlook the fact that Kelly Osbourne looked like she was wearing a ruffly bath mat because she looked just stunning in it. Good for her. I guess that little dancing contest that she participated in a little while ago really did wonders for her body. She looks fabulous.

Then there was a one Rihanna who showed up wearing some sort of furry venetian blind number. I still don't quite get it. Where's the little wand that hangs off the side to flip them up and down?

I'm not fond of children acting like adults. I think that's why I really detest this photo of Willow Smith. What's with those shoes? Is she holding a crown? I'm done here.

And finally, we have Lady Gaga. She arrived in an egg, of course. Wait. What now? An egg? Yes. An egg. An egg-egg? Sort of. I mean, it was an egg. See for yourself. Behold!

See? It's an egg...of...some sort. Is she really in there, you ask? Someone is in there. Er, something. I don't really know for sure. Whatever. Behold!

Hmm. Yep. She's in there all right. OK, then. I mean, I guess it could be worse. She could be in another meat suit. Maybe one made of all chicken this time. Ew! Gross. Yeah, the egg is much better than the meat. If she wasn't so talented, I'd be more critical of her. But she really has an amazing set of pipes on her, so I'm just going to leave it all at the egg!

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Fashion Do's And Don't At The Golden Globes

I love me an awards show. And the Golden Globes is no exception. And since the Golden Globes was last night, let's get started on the fashion critique, shall we? (As I tend to do with these sorts of posts, I readily admit that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. That being said, I shall now commence pointing out the good, the bad and the wtf of last night.)

Let's start off with the always lovely Sandra Bullock. You know what Sandra Bullock does best? Be Sandra Bullock, that is correct. Why she felt the need to channel Cher with her look is beyond me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a bad word about Sandra Bullock. I'm just saying that I like her better when she looks like Sandra Bullock.

Here we have a one Michelle Williams (was she ever anything besides Heath Ledger's girlfriend?) wearing what appears to be her shower curtain. It's very odd. I don't know, maybe she was running late. That pixie hairdo isn't helping much. (When did that come into fashion? Does anyone think that's a good idea? I mean, for women? It's fine on men. It doesn't do much for the allure of a woman, however.)

Speaking of who might have been running late, what's the deal with Helena Bonham Carter's get up? She has some sort of Prince circa-Purple Rain dealio going on with her hair. She also seems to be wearing two different dresses. It's almost as if she couldn't decide. She's definitely wearing two different colored shoes, neither of which color go with whatever that outfit is. Even the guy standing behind her looks confused. Behold!

While Angelina Jolie is just so damned perfect that it really rubs me the wrong way, there is absolutely no denying that she looked absolutely stunning in the sparkly green number that she showed up in.

Newly knocked up Natalie Portman decided to go with an outfit that would absolutely draw attention. It's not necessarily for the right reasons, but while you're wondering what in the world that rose is doing right there (it is a rose, isn't it?) it does help you forget for a few moments that she is preggers. Kind of makes you wonder if she bumped her head real hard to actually wear that out in public, but totally makes you forget she's got a bun in the oven.

Scarlett Johansson has this sort of windblown/Bride of Frankenstein thing going on with her hair. It's very distracting. It only mildly distracts one from that weird tattoo that she is sporting on her inner arm there. What is that? Let's see....Googling...Googling...it's a...a sunrise? Is she sure?

I don't think that's a sunrise. I'm going to need a close up.

Yeah, no. No, that's not a sunrise. (It's hideous is what it is. Wow. That's really bad.) Moving on...Remember Katey Sagal? Peg Bundy from Married With Children? Oh, go ahead and admit it! We all watched it! It's OK to admit it now. Here's a refresher:

Yeah, that was never a good look. But Ms. Sagal won a Golden Globe last night for best actress in a drama in something called Sons of Anarchy which is apparently on FX. And holy crap, she didn't look anything like Peg Bundy. Behold!

Yowza. Nice job! And congratulations for winning the Golden Globe and for wearing something respectable!

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The Facebook Is Flawless

Do you know who Karl Lagerfeld is? Me neither. Well, I didn't until I read this little piece over at something called Styleite. That's where I learned that Mr. Lagerfeld is some sort of German fashion designer. It's also where I learned that he doesn't know squat about technology. I'm not saying that the guy needs to know about technology. After all, he designs fashion. Does he need to know about technology? I'm not saying that he does, but he might want to be aware of what certain aspects of technology are. You know. Just in case he's asked about it or something. At least then he won't sound like he's on the brink of dementia. (By the way, Mr. Lagerfeld is pictured below. Is he from the future?)

He gave an interview to The Luxury Channel. (In other news, there's a Luxury Channel.) He was "... asked to describe technology he finds "amazing". He gave a rather long and extremely odd response. He answered, "Facebook is a flawless object. It’s for me like a Brancusi. As I told you, I got one as a gift in gold — in white gold. And the BlackBerry too, and the iPod. I have all those from a gift, I wouldn’t buy it. But somebody gave me all those things in white gold. They are beautiful objects on the table — they are stunning. I don’t use them because I don’t have to use them." Wait a minute. What now?

That statement begs more questions than it answers. He finds Facebook to be "a flawless object"? Um, dude, I'm not so sure that I'd classify Facebook as an object. Maybe you're thinking of something else. In fact, I'm going to have to assume that you're thinking of something else, as I don't know how you would receive a Facebook in white gold. (By the way, in case you were wondering, Brancusi is an artist. Thus, "a Brancusi" would be one of his works. Yeah, I'm definitely thinking that this guy is confused.)

Next up, the BlackBerry and the iPod. I guess I didn't realize that you could get either one of those in white gold, but I guess that it doesn't surprise me. Anyone can make a case out of anything these days. The folks over at Engadget have some pictures of a BlackBerry 8700 encased in 18k white gold. Behold!

Yeah, I don't know if I'd consider that "stunning" the way that Mr. Lagerfeld does. It's a bit garish for my tastes. Maybe they've improved since the 8700, though. AllTechnoBlog reports on a white gold iPod 4G. It's definitely more slick than the BlackBerry, but it still seems like a mugging waiting to happen. Behold!

But I digress. Back to his statement. Sooooo...he doesn't actually use these things? They just sit around looking all pretty and sparkly to him? Look, if he's not going to actually USE stuff, I don't know that he should be asked his opinion on it. If someone wants to know about the aesthetic properties of a certain piece of technology, then I think he would be the perfect person to consult about that. But the guy thinks that Facebook is a tangible object. On top of that, he thinks it's flawless. Clearly, he's never used Facebook. And I'm guessing that, until someone explains it to him in a little more detail, he never will.

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The Most Obnoxious Child Ever

I think I've done it. I think I've found the most annoying 10-year old in the world. I might have found the most annoying child in the world. I'm probably stretching it to say that she is the most annoying person in the world (especially since I've seen episodes of Jersey Shore), but not stretching it too far. Actually, I can't take all of the credit for this one. I stumbled upon this self-important child over at a blog/website that appears to be called either Blog Bethany or Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. It's one of the two. And whichever one it is certainly does not detract from the content, as Bethany is highly amusing.

Here's the deal: What you're about to watch is a less than 2-minute interview with a one 10-year old Cecilia Cassini. Ms. Cassini is dubbed as the "Youngest Fashion Designer in the Country". I'm not going to doubt that, as I have seen her "designs" and they do appear as if they were created by someone quite young. Granted, I think the term "designer" is a bit gracious. Perhaps they should have tried on something like "Young Person Learning To Sew". I find that title to be a bit more accurate.

Warning: You might not be able to make it through this entire video without feeling the uncontrollable urge to strangle this child. This is not an uncommon reaction, as I have shown this video to several people and all have had visceral reactions to it (the most severe hoping that she OD's on cocaine by age 11). And look, I realize that she's 10. Should I not like a 10-year old as much as I don't like this one? If they act like she does, I think that's just inevitable. Now, I realize that I would probably dislike her parents even more than I dislike her, as they are the ones that are putting up with this sort of nonsense. But since they're not around in the video, I just get to dislike her. And now, behold! The most annoying person you will witness all day (at least)!

How ya doin' over there? You OK? Clawed out your eyeballs? Stabbed your ears? Yelled "Kill it with fire!"? Yeah, I understand. Let's take this from the top. What in the hell is on top of her head? Look, that's not fashion. That's like a startling visual for why you shouldn't do drugs. Is she trying to channel Sarah Jessica Parker during some SATC movie premiere? (That chick always has on a large hat for some reason.) Working on a more modern version of Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat? I don't get it.

Then there is the matter of her designs. They all seem to sport a common theme (aside from appearing to be poorly sewn). The theme is a solid colored fabric on top or bottom of a dress and then a printed fabric (or a really, super sparkly one) opposite of that one. Oh, wait. I forgot about the theme of all fabrics that don't go together at all and look like they were sewn in the dark. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. That's what kids want to wear? Um, have at it, I guess. I don't quite know how to react to those, other than "Run! Save yourself!"

But what I really don't get is that Valley Girl, "I'm so much better than you" tone in her voice. What is up with that? Why is she talking like that? I spent a little time with The Google and found a couple of other interviews that she has done earlier in the year. She was somewhat obnoxious, but nowhere near as obnoxious as she was in the video above. This kid is letting her ego get way too big for herself. Sure, it's cool that she has an interest in designing clothes. Sure, it's great that she's learning (and I stress the word learning) to do what she's doing. I'm sure that she'll have a lovely career in fashion of some sort. You can see more of her "fashion designs" at her website.

The point here is that she is insufferable as a human being. I skimmed through her blog and she seems to delight in referring to herself as "moi". Didn't Miss Piggy do that? Hmmm. It's certainly more endearing for the muppet than it is for her. Her clothes aren't that great (at this point) and are extremely overpriced (for something that isn't that great). Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that she will be able to support herself one day and has some sort of a future. But she really needs to work on her attitude, not to mention the quality of her work. (Is a straight seam too much to ask?) The last thing that we need is a bunch of kids running around emulating her and her extreme obnoxiousness. (Is that a word? Obnoxiousness? If not, is it now and it was invented just for her.)

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They Wore What To The Emmys 2010?

It's time for the Emmy awards again. That means it's time for a brief look at some of the fashions that were worn last night. And as always, I will issue my disclaimer that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. Never the less, I intend to relay what it was that I saw there last night (via the Internets).

Here we have who appears to be Jack Nicholson as The Joker. Behold!

What's that? It's not The Joker? It's really someone I've never heard of named Maria Menounos? Huh. My apologies, both to Mr. Nicholson and Ms. Menounos. Well, moving on....let's see. Oh! OK, so I haven't watched Entertainment Tonight in quite some time (if ever), but I don't remember Mary Hart looking anything like this:

Wow. It appears that she could barely bring herself to tone down her big hair from the 80s. Nice try, though. And I kind of feel like I had seen that dress on someone else at the Emmys. Who was it? Oh, I know! January Jones. Behold!

Yeah, see, she just kind of ripped the front of it off there. Other than that, it looks remarkably similar. I'm just glad that it's January Jones with the ripped off front dress and not Mary Hart. That's all I have to say about it. But it's not quite all I have to say about Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon. Behold!

Mr. Bacon looks the same as he always does. How does he do that? Ms. Sedgwick looks generally lovely in that eggplant colored dress. She appears to be carrying a clutch purse that is made out of a giant kidney bean. Seriously, what on earth can you even fit in something like that? Not much? Not even the kidney beans after which it was modeled, I'd imagine. Wait! Maybe she has the rest of Heidi Klum's dress in there!

From the looks of it, Heidi Klum's entire dress could have fit in that kidney bean purse of Kyra's. There is not much there, is there? I'm not saying that she should dress like Betty White or anything, but come on! Oh, speaking of Betty White, here she is looking radiant and wearing what is seemingly an obligatory lipstick shade for elderly women.

I don't know what it is with the over-70 set of ladies, but they love them a nice bright red lipstick, that's for sure. They wear it everywhere and with everything. I would imagine that they would even wear it to the wedding of the couple below. Oh. Never mind. That's not a wedding couple. That's Ty Burrell and his wife Holly. Yeah, he looks like he's getting married and she looks like the car that they would drive away in together. Odd. Maybe it's their first time at the Emmys. Or out in public. Something.

Both Kim Kardashian...

...and Anna Paquin (seen below) decided to go with either what appears to be some sort of an Egyptian themed gown or what appears to be some sort of gladiator style gown. I really can't tell which it's supposed to be. But I'm sure that it's one of those. I can't imagine that they were just looking that way without basing the look upon something.


And finally, let's wrap this up with the absolutely stunning Lauren Graham who is wearing...um, well, she's wearing....see, it's kind of...well...oh, forget it. I don't know what in the hell this is. Behold!

Let's see if I can decipher this. No. No, I can't. It appears as if she is wearing a dress with what could be a diaper draped over her upper torso and right shoulder. Maybe a small bed sheet. I don't know. I don't know what would possess anyone to wear that on purpose. Ooh! Maybe she lost a bet! Hard to say. But I do know that she is super talented and super hot and I'm sure that she'll be around again for the Emmys next year. Let's hope she's over this look by then.

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