Breaking News Or Something

BREAKING NEWS!  Well, according to the Huffington Post it's breaking news.  For me, it might be my breaking point. Brace yourselves.  Jimmie Walker is not a fan of President Barry.

That's right.  Jimmie Walker.  Now, if you're sitting there and thinking to yourself, "Who the eff is Jimmie Walker?" I have the feeling that you are not alone.  See, Jimmie Walker was the star of a relatively successful television program that went off the air in 1979.  I'll save you the trouble and do the math.  It was thirty-three years ago.  Of course, just because his show went off the air six presidents ago, that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't relevant.  I mean, he's not, but it's not really a given.  He hasn't done hardly anything since then (unless you're going to count his Syfy movie Super Shark, and why wouldn't you?) and even if he had, I don't know why we would care what he thinks about President Barry.

I don't know exactly how it was that Jimmie Walker was asked about his views on President Barry and I'm not so sure that I care to  know.  Actually, I'd like to know who asked him about them because I have a few questions for that person.  Questions like "Was Todd Bridges not available?" and "Do you know what Sherman Hemsley thinks about gay marriage?"  Oh, and of course "HOW IS THIS ACTUAL REPORTING?!?!"

We really need a moratorium on all sorts of political "reporting" until about two weeks before the election (which cannot come soon enough, thank you very much).  And we need a complete end to asking once-celebrities what they think about anything political.  And dear God, if you're someone who is going to base your vote depending upon the political leanings of Jimmie Walker, please, please don't vote.  Ever. 

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What's Going On Here?

I'm not as worried about the zombie apocalypse as some people are.  I have entirely different concerns.  I'm worried that certain well-known people are beginning to morph into other well-known people.  It's kind of freaking me out.  For example, Paul McCartney...

...is turning into Angela Lansbury.

Weird, huh?  I'm telling you, it's weirding me out.  And now, we have Madonna....

...slowly turning into Hillary Clinton. 

It's weird, I'm telling you. Really weird.

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Pakistani Beer?

Oh, my God.  A travesty has been committed.  Scout Willis, the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, has been arrested!  Arrested!  And are you ready for the heinous offense that she committed?  I hope you're sitting down.  The 20-year old was arrested for (brace yourselves!) drinking an 8-ounce Pakistani beer.  Holy cow, are we a soft country or what? 

First of all, what in the hell is an 8-ounce Pakistani beer?  Why isn't it twelve ounces?  Is it some sort of Pakistani law?  I realize that's a minor point here, but I found it odd that all the articles that I read about this travesty, they all mentioned the Pakistani beer.  Maybe that's because the type of beer that she was drinking is more interesting than this entire story. 

Did the cops not have anything better to do that day than to actually arrest her for underage drinking?  Her birthday is July 20, 1991 for cryin' out loud!  So, she's a month and a half away from turning 21 and they arrest her for that?!  I can't be the only one who thinks that having the legal drinking age be 21 is a bit antiquated?  I hate to sound cliche or anything like that, but if you're allowed to join the armed forces when you're 18, you should be able to drink.  If anyone wants to raise the age of something, what say we up the voting age?  18 and voting on stuff?  That's a horrible idea!  All you care about when you're eighteen is rockin' the vote.  No!  Don't rock the vote!  You don't know what you're doing!  Nor do you care!  But I digress. 

I cannot possibly understand why Scout or anyone else a month and a half away from their 21st birthday would be arrested for consuming 8 ounces of beer from a foreign land.  It's not like she was driving (which would be a completely different issue in and of itself) or endangering anyone.  She was having A beer.  Why couldn't they have just cited her and sent her on her way?  Did they feel that they needed to make an example out of her because she has famous parents?  No one cares.  Bruce Willis and Demi Moore aren't exactly headliners these days.  They're not totally B-List or anything, but I don't think that they're still riding the A Train or anything.  This is just silly.  We're losing focus people!  Keep your eye on the ball! 

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I'm In The Wrong Business

I am clearly in the wrong business.  What I should be doing to make my fortune is to find some sort of vapid celebrity to endorse a product that is probably worth no more than fifty cents and then turn around and sell said product for twenty-five dollars.  And if things go really well, I'll be able to sell some of those items without any celebrity endorsement.  That's right.  My other ridiculous marketing ploy will have worked so well that I'll just be able to crank out crap and have people buy it for no other reason that it's from the same place that sells the crap that that one celebrity endorses.  Let's see...I'm going to need a cheap product.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Lollipops!  Perfect.  Now I just need my vapid celebrity.  Oooh!  Oooh!  I know!  Kim Kardashian!  Perfect.  She's the queen of vapid.  (OK, I concur that we'll probably have to explain to "the queen" what vapid means, but that's really neither here nor there.)  No.  No.  That's too stupid.  That would never work.  Who would pay twenty five dollars for a single lollipop?  (You see where this is going, right?) 

Apparently there is a place called Couture Pops and they sell ridiculously priced items.  One of those items, you guessed it, is lollipops.  But not just ordinary lollipops!  Oh, wait.  Yeah, never mind.  They are ordinary lollipops.  The stick-ular area seems to be adorned with some sort of baubles.  And there also appears to be a clear plastic, protective case for the actual licking area of the lollipop.  Other than that, they're regular lollipops.  Regular lollipops that go for twenty-five dollars.  Behold!

OK, I know you can't really see the lollipop, so here's a close up.  Behold! 

Just remember:  Twenty-five bucks.  But it's not just Kim Kardashian who is endorsing these things.  There's also a Britney Spears lollipop.  Behold! 

 Here's a lollipop endorsed by Mel B of the Spice Girls (and long ago fame): 

What about a lollipop endorsed by Nicole Scherzinger (recently fired from American X Factor and from the yesterday fame of the Pussycat Dolls):

 Need a lollipop endorsed by The Situation from Jersey Shore?  They've got you covered, moron. 

 What about one endorsed by Hello Kitty?  Here it is! 

Do you see how asinine this is?!  They're all essentially the same thing.  And that "thing" is a lollipop!  Who endorses it doesn't give it a special hidden value!   Hello Kitty isn't even a real cat, for cryin' out loud!  How do you justify that?  (Oh, it's so expensive because it's endorsed by a fake, yet wildly popular in Japan, feline character that pre-teen girls find whimsical.  That'll be twenty-five dollars, please.)  Seriously, I don't know if I can make my brain become so soft that I would actually think up something this ridiculous and that would actually make money.  That there are people out there that can figure out that there is a market for twenty-five dollar lollipops that all look the same except for the celebrity du jour who endorses them is just astounding to me.  Simply astounding. 

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I Swore It Was One Person

Today I learned that the pictures below actually belong to six DIFFERENT women! I guess I had previously thought that they were all one and the same. But apparently, they are not. Huh. I think there's a dude out there with a whole lot of 'splainin' to do.

And by the way, for those of you who were expecting some sort of 09/11 related post, I couldn't possibly have come up with a new angle on any of it. I am a little bit in awe of how much people like rounded numbers. I mean, ten years. I'm not sure what makes this year more of a hoopla than year nine was or than year eleven will be, but people are going all out. I think I'd feel a little better about those sorts of things if a couple of things were different. One, I wish that there were buildings standing again where the Twin Towers once were. Why it has taken over ten years to build a couple of buildings (considering that the Empire State Building was built in a about a year in the middle of the Great Depression)? And two, I wish that all of these 09/11 anniversary commencement dealios would spur a little, just a little, discussion about the war in Afghanistan and/or the war in Iraq. But it's not. No talk about those wars. None. Maybe that's why all of this stuff seems a little hollow to me. It's fine to remember, but I really think that with stuff like this that we need these anniversaries to be able to look forward.

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Separated At Birth

Today (that being Friday) as I was looking for something to post for Thursday, I made an incredible discovery. Ready? I realized that Val Kilmer:


Looks like Chaz Bono. Behold!

Day complete.

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Dunn For

When I'm finally done on this planet (and some days, that could not come soon enough), I'd like to be remembered for some of the good stuff that I've done. (Hey! I've done plenty of good things! Don't judge! What have YOU done?) I mostly try to keep the stupid things that I've done completely under wraps. And I'm hoping that when I do finally go, it isn't due to one of my stupid things.

Do you know who Ryan Dunn is? He is apparently one of the chaps that participated in MTV's Jackass movies. You remember those movies. They're the ones where a group of guys spend the entire movie just doing really stupid and really dangerous feats. Turns out, he doesn't just do stupid things when he's making a movie or a TV show. He does them in real life, too. Well, he DID them in real life. And the last one that he did, according to NBC Philadelphia, was to drink a whole bunch (that's him on the left in the picture above that he tweeted before the wreck) and then get into his Porsche and drive it at ridiculous speeds until he flipped over a guard rail, causing the car to burst into flames and kill Ryan and his passenger. Smart, eh? Yeah, not so much. Here's a picture of his car after the wreck. How they figured out it was a Porsche to begin with is beyond me.

But here comes the part about remembering. See, I was vaguely aware of the Jackass franchise, but I never spent any time watching it. And quite frankly, I had never even heard of Ryan until this happened. So everything that I learned about his life, I learned from reading about it on the Innerwebs. I read one particular highlight repeatedly. And according to TMZ (and a bunch of other sites), "34-year-old Dunn appeared in all of the "Jackass" movies -- famously shoving a toy car into his rectum in the first flick back in 2002." Um, what now?

THAT is how he is going to be remembered? As the guy who shoved a toy car up his arse?! Good Lord, man. Does anyone really want to be remembered for shoving anything up them? (If you're thinking about a Richard Gere joke right about now, just stop. That's most likely not even totally true.) Maybe he was a really good guy when he wasn't sending Hot Wheels to the land of no return. I have no idea. I'm sure that his family and friends will miss him. (I'd like them to be a little bit angry at him while they miss him since he would most likely be alive had he not decided to get "over-served" and then drive a Porsche at unthinkable speeds along a winding road at 2:30am.) Choose your actions wisely. (ie, Don't purposely insert die-cast vehicle into your rectum.) You never know. One of them might be the thing that people are talking about after you're gone.

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Late To Her Own Funeral

I'm not much for dwelling on the deaths of celebrities from the days of yore. But I just learned something about Elizabeth Taylor's funeral that I found interesting and highly amusing. It's also something that I am going to implement into my own funeral service one day. (And that day will probably not ever come quick enough for me. I've thought about titling my autobiography "Sprinting Toward The Grave - The Story of Me". But, I'm sure that I'm going to live a very long life, filled to the brim with frustration and annoyance at every day occurrences, politics and bureaucracy. That would be just my luck.)

From the folks over at AOL News, we learn that Elizabeth Taylor was buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery yesterday and things did not start on time. No. According to her publicist (Elizabeth Taylor still needed a publicist?), Sally Morrison, "The service began 15 minutes after its announced start time in observance of Taylor's parting wish that her funeral start late." That's right. Taylor had left instructions asking for the tardy start and had requested that someone announce, "She even wanted to be late for her own funeral," Morrison said. I find that to be just awesome. That's what I want to do. Make people laugh one last time after I'm dead. That's a true entertainer right there. Nice job.

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A True Fan

There are an awful lot of different kinds of strange out there. And I'm not trying to imply that strange is bad. It is what it is...strange. But don't get me wrong, it's not like all strange is OK. It's not. That's why it's called strange. Look, I'm clearly leading up to something here, so what say I just cut to the chase, all right? OK, then. What we have today is a man who has an incredible fondness for a one Julia Roberts. I know. What's not to love? Well, if I had to choose, I'd say that it would be the manner in which this man expresses his affection for the actress is what is not to love. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that?! That, my friends, is a one Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic. (You may pronounce that any way that you'd like.) From the good folks at The Daily Mail, we learn that Mr. Bukovic is a newspaper vendor from Valparaiso, Chile. We also learn that he became enamored with the lovely Ms. Roberts after seeing her in Erin Brokovich, for which she won an Oscar. It was a really good movie and she was really good in it, but I don't know that I have ever seen anything so good by anyone act so good that it made me want to go out and get 82 tattoos of the person who did all of the acting. And that's just one of the many, many ways in which Mr. Bukovic and I are different.

This 52-year old man has tattoos of Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich all over his torso and arms. And let me tell you, it's a good thing that someone told me that the tattoos were supposed to be Julia Roberts, as I would not have guessed that. Ever. I've spent a fair amount of time (3-4 minutes tops) looking at the same pictures I've included here and I have yet to see one image that really stands out as being undeniably Julia Roberts. Not one. There is at least one that maybe could be her, but I would have had to have been drinking for quite some time in order to agree to that.

Below is a picture of the lovely Miss Roberts as she appeared in a scene in Erin Brockovich. After you're done ogling her lovely breasts, please let me know if you can find any of his tattoos that even come close to looking like this. (Being 'vaguely female in appearance' does not count.)

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Almost An Alpaca

Just so you know, Taylor Lautner of sparkly vampire fame, looks an awful lot like an alpaca.

My thanks go out to BuzzFeed for pointing out this stellar similarity. Seriously, who knew? Granted, who cared? But who knew?!

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Ridiculous Things I Read About Today

Wow. I read a bunch of ridiculous things today and now I must share.

I was reading about Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. The perjury charges (and there are ten of them) stem from his telling a grand jury back in December of 2003 that "he never knowingly took steroids." Yeah, right. Did you see Barry Bonds back then? He was a mammoth. Of course he took steroids. Everyone in baseball took steroids and he was no exception. His arms were gigantic. His trained testified that at one point, he had to order new hats for Barry because his head was bigger. I don't know about you, but I don't know of many adult males whose head suddenly starts to grow if they are not on steroids.

But all of that isn't my point. My point is what I read in an article over at the Huffington Post. The article was talking about the hearing on Friday and it said, "Dressed in a dark suit and slimmed down from his San Francisco Giants playing days...." That's all you need to know. Gee, I wonder WHY he was all slimmed down? Could it be that there isn't any reason for him to take steroids any more? Yeah, that's a tough one to noodle through. Man, I hope they find him guilty. I know that there were a lot of players that roided up during the 1990s. But Barry is so smug about it. AND he did a lot of damage to the game by going on the juice. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.

And then there's Nadya Suleman. Man, I have had about enough of her to last a lifetime. She was on Oprah the other day along with Suze Orman. You know who Suze Orman is, right? She's that attractive lesbian woman who gives sound financial advice in a rather obnoxious manner. She was on there to go through Octomom's finances. I don't know why they needed Suze Orman for that. I could have told you that she's broke. But in the discussion of her finances, Suze Orman asked Octomom if, back before she had herself impregnated with enough embryos to fill a gumball machine, she knew then what she knows now, would she have had the extra eight children. (Please remember that at the time that she pulled this completely inexcusable and utterly insane stunt, she already had six kids which she had no means of supporting. Oh, and of course there has never been a father in the picture.) It took her forever to answer the question, but she finally came out and said that if she had known then what she knew now that she would not have gone ahead with trying to have a litter of children. OK, what now?

What, exactly, is it that she knows now that she didn't know then? Let's see....she didn't have a husband then and she certainly wasn't going to get one in the near future. She didn't have a way to support herself and her six kids back then and she certainly wasn't going to be able to in the near future. How could she have not foreseen that this was going to turn out badly?! She now has fourteen children. What does it cost the taxpayer to pay for those fourteen children? And how much is it going to cost the taxpayer when they're over eighteen and end up in jail or, for the girls, knocked up themselves? Oh, come on! You think that those kids are going to grow up and be just fine? I doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but I doubt it.

And finally, let's just wrap this up with the guy who is quickly shaping up to be the D-Bag of the year, Jesse James. As you may or may not care to recall, Mr. James was married to the ridiculously attractive Sandra Bullock and decided that it would be a good idea to cheat on her with at least one (but more like six) heavily tattooed skank(s). Mr. James has recently become engaged to another be-tatted woman, Kat Von D. In regard to this new found bliss, he says, " 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Yeah, the world can be a fickle bitch when you cheat on a beloved (and super hot) public figure like the delicious Ms. Bullock. What a maroon. I'm guessing that Sandra Bullock would probably express different sentiments about how her 2010 went. Oh, but that wasn't the best thing that he said. This serial cheater actually had the stones to say "Growing old with her is going to be a f****** blast!"

Right. Like the two of you are going to stay married long enough to grow old together. You guys won't even be married long enough to buy a new couch, let alone to grow old together. I'm pretty sure that a gallon of milk could last longer than your eternal bond is going to. And while I find his statements absolutely vacuous, I'm almost more amused at Kat Von D for agreeing to marry this dirtbag. You think that you're different, do you, cupcake? You think that y'all were meant for each other? You think that he isn't currently cheating on you? You must have answered yes to all of those semi-rhetorical questions, as you're actually going to marry him. Wow. Good luck with that.

And those are the ridiculous going-ons that I read about today. What about you? Got anything good for me?

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Fashion Do's And Don't At The Golden Globes

I love me an awards show. And the Golden Globes is no exception. And since the Golden Globes was last night, let's get started on the fashion critique, shall we? (As I tend to do with these sorts of posts, I readily admit that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. That being said, I shall now commence pointing out the good, the bad and the wtf of last night.)

Let's start off with the always lovely Sandra Bullock. You know what Sandra Bullock does best? Be Sandra Bullock, that is correct. Why she felt the need to channel Cher with her look is beyond me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a bad word about Sandra Bullock. I'm just saying that I like her better when she looks like Sandra Bullock.

Here we have a one Michelle Williams (was she ever anything besides Heath Ledger's girlfriend?) wearing what appears to be her shower curtain. It's very odd. I don't know, maybe she was running late. That pixie hairdo isn't helping much. (When did that come into fashion? Does anyone think that's a good idea? I mean, for women? It's fine on men. It doesn't do much for the allure of a woman, however.)

Speaking of who might have been running late, what's the deal with Helena Bonham Carter's get up? She has some sort of Prince circa-Purple Rain dealio going on with her hair. She also seems to be wearing two different dresses. It's almost as if she couldn't decide. She's definitely wearing two different colored shoes, neither of which color go with whatever that outfit is. Even the guy standing behind her looks confused. Behold!

While Angelina Jolie is just so damned perfect that it really rubs me the wrong way, there is absolutely no denying that she looked absolutely stunning in the sparkly green number that she showed up in.

Newly knocked up Natalie Portman decided to go with an outfit that would absolutely draw attention. It's not necessarily for the right reasons, but while you're wondering what in the world that rose is doing right there (it is a rose, isn't it?) it does help you forget for a few moments that she is preggers. Kind of makes you wonder if she bumped her head real hard to actually wear that out in public, but totally makes you forget she's got a bun in the oven.

Scarlett Johansson has this sort of windblown/Bride of Frankenstein thing going on with her hair. It's very distracting. It only mildly distracts one from that weird tattoo that she is sporting on her inner arm there. What is that? Let's see....Googling...Googling...it's a...a sunrise? Is she sure?

I don't think that's a sunrise. I'm going to need a close up.

Yeah, no. No, that's not a sunrise. (It's hideous is what it is. Wow. That's really bad.) Moving on...Remember Katey Sagal? Peg Bundy from Married With Children? Oh, go ahead and admit it! We all watched it! It's OK to admit it now. Here's a refresher:

Yeah, that was never a good look. But Ms. Sagal won a Golden Globe last night for best actress in a drama in something called Sons of Anarchy which is apparently on FX. And holy crap, she didn't look anything like Peg Bundy. Behold!

Yowza. Nice job! And congratulations for winning the Golden Globe and for wearing something respectable!

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Ho

Of course, you're not going to send a normal Christmas card if you're Paris Hilton. Considering nothing that she does is normal, why should Christmas be any different? It probably shouldn't, but I guess maybe I was hoping that it would be? I don't know. I guess I always hope that people, no matter how self-centered, self-absorbed and absolutely abhorrent one may be, maybe they can find this time of the year to think about others or simply think about what they're grateful for. Yeah, that didn't happen with her. Here's her Christmas card as proof. Behold!

Seriously. Who thinks that's a great idea for a Christmas card? To get yourself all dolled up in kind of a Marilyn Monroe-esque whorish pose while sitting in some sort of black leather and gold throne thing? I mean, I'm not against having a picture of one's self on a Christmas card. I'm just not used to seeing it be immature, heiress tarts. I'm more used to seeing Christmas cards with families on them. Like the Kardashian's Christmas card. It has their whole family on it. Behold!

Hmm. Probably not the best example that I could have used. Is anyone else feeling a Addams Family vibe from that card? How is that a Christmas card? Why are they dressed like that? Does that one chick have furry green shoulder pads on the outside of her dress? OK, then. That's kind of strange. That's all I've got.

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