That's Not A Sock

According to CNN's iReport (which lets me know that they don't check any sort of content that is submitted to their site by readers AT ALL, so you know that this is totally legit) there is a semi-pro baseball team in Amarillo (that's in Texas) called the Amarillo Sox. Catchy. I guess that they needed a costume for their mascot. The mascot being a sock, of course. As in Amarillo Sox. Now, before I continue with a story that you know will go horribly awry, I'm going to show you how other teams with the nickname "Sox" deal with their mascot situation. First, the Chicago White Sox. Behold!

Kind of weird, huh? His name is Southpaw. I guess he's a monster. Whatever he is, that's their mascot. Now, let's look at the mascot for the Red Sox. Again, a team with the Sox moniker in need of a mascot. Behold!
Interesting. Another green monster for a team without the word 'green' in their name. His full name is Wally the Green Monster. But even though these two teams decided to go with some sort of monster character as a mascot, don't think that the Amarillo Sox were going to follow suit. Oh, no. They were going to attempt to go for a literal interpretation of their team's name. That being, a sock. Behold! Oh. Unfortunate. That doesn't really look so much like a sock, per se. No, it looks a little bit more like...well...you know. I will say this about it. He does look excited. Very, very excited. According to the general manage of the Amarillo Sox, a one Mark Lee, said “It was not the way I wanted it.” Really? You didn't intend for the mascot for your team to look like a giant banana boner? Had something else in mind, did you? Huh. You don't say.

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You Can Wear Your Jersey Anywhere You Want

From the files of "No One Deserves To Be Beaten Within An Inch Of Their Life After A Sporting Event, You Ass", we have a column written by a one John Steigerwald. Mr. Steigerwald seems to think that if a victim of a beating was wearing a jersey from the opposing team then it is somehow that person's fault that they were damn near killed by a couple of idiotic thugs.

Let me bring you up to date. A couple of weeks ago, the San Francisco Giants played the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium. After the game, a couple of thugs wearing Dodger garb blindsided a one 42-year old Giant fan, Bryan Stow, in the parking lot. They sucker punched him and then when he was down on the ground, they repeatedly kicked him in the head before they fled like the cowards that they are. Mr. Stow, a paramedic and father of 2, is still in ICU in a medically induced coma with half of his skull removed because his brain was swelling up too much for it to fit inside of his skull when it was in one piece. He shows signs of brain damage and it's pretty obvious that his life will never be the same. While he was being kicked in the head, the Dodger clad a-holes made it clear that Mr. Stow was targeted because he was wearing a San Francisco Giants jersey. Real nice, LA. Stay classy.

Consider yourself up to date. Enter Mr. Steigerwald and his asinine column that he wrote for the Observer-Reporter.com. The title of his article is "Know when you've outgrown the uniform". The premise of his column seems to be his bewilderment at why Mr. Stow would have been so "stupid" (I'm paraphrasing here) as to wear a jersey from the opposing team to the home team's stadium. In fact, he coldly states "Maybe someone can ask Stow, if he ever comes out of his coma, why he thought it was a good idea to wear Giants' gear to a Dodgers' home opener when there was a history of out-of-control drunkenness and arrests at that event going back several years."

Uhh...wow. Let me give you the answer, Mr. Porn-Star Moustache Guy. He wore his jersey to the game because he wanted to. That was his team that he was cheering on and that's what he wanted to wear. Land of the free, remember? Or maybe he just didn't think that there would be people out there who would pummel someone into a coma simply because they rooted for the opposite team. Or maybe he wasn't worried about anything because stadiums are supposed to provide security. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. He didn't deserve to get beaten up because he had on a Giants jersey!

Mr. Porn-Star Moustache Guy goes on to ask "Are there really 40-something men who think that wearing the jersey makes them part of the team?" Of course, he states no basis for that question, as there is no indication that Mr. Stow or ANYONE who wears a jersey to a game thinks that. I just bought my best friend a Giants jersey today. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't think that she is a member of the team simply because she's wearing a jersey that says "Lincecum" on the back of it. No, actually, I am positive of it. I, myself, have several sports jerseys which I enjoy wearing. I've never once equated myself to Joe Montana. Never.

His does make the astute observation that "Obviously, not every fan who wears his team's jersey to a game is looking for someone from "the enemy" to beat up." You don't say?! Then why are you acting like he did?! Why are you acting like Mr. Stow did something wrong? Do you believe that women who are scantily dressed deserve to get raped? Wait. Don't answer that. You probably do. You're such an a-hole.

Provocation is a funny thing. I mean, does it even exist if it is being ignored? Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. But my point isn't to get all philosophical here. The point is that someone wearing a sports jersey isn't provoking anyone. And the other point is that no one is asking to be beaten up no matter what they are wearing. People are supposed to act like human beings around one another. Bryan Stow did not deserve this and it doesn't matter why he wore his jersey to the Dodger game. Mr. Steigerwald is clearly a huge douchelord. Using his own logic, I wonder why he would write something as inflammatory as he did, knowing full well that there are going to be unstable people out there that read it and might possibly want revenge. Why would you do such a thing, Mr. Porn Star Moustache? Why? Oh, because you want to and because you can? Well, that's why Bryan Stow wore his jersey. Because he wanted to and because he could. Now, stop acting like the biggest a-hole around, Mr. Steigerwald, and donate to a fund to help the man. Do it now.

For the rest of you who aren't column writing a-holes and who would like to help out Mr. Stow's family, please visit http://www.support4bryanstow.com/ There are a variety of fundraisers going on if you're local, but there's also a way to donate if you're not. And please remember that no one deserves to get beaten. Even Mr. Steigerwald. I think.

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This Crosses A Line

I'm a big sports fan. Of the four major sports, I'm an avid fan of everything but hockey. And I'm learning to like hockey, so I'm sure that won't be long down the road. But in the meantime, it's just football, basketball and baseball. They're all great. The only thing that spoils sports for me are the fans that have to be giant douchebags all the time. Let's take some of the Dodger fans who felt the need to beat up on a San Francisco Giants fan after the opening day game in Los Angeles on Thursday.

According to The Huffington Post, "A savage beating by two men outside Dodgers Stadium has left a San Francisco Giants fan in a medically-induced coma". Oh, sure. That sounds reasonable. Beat a man to within an inch of his life because...well...there doesn't seem to be any reason. The Dodgers won and the cowards who did the beating were wearing Dodgers garb, so they weren't pummeling innocent bystanders out of frustration over their loss. Not that it would have made it more justified or anything like that. I was just drawing attention to how pointless it all was.

I did find some of the statements made by the Dodgers and by the Dodgers coach to be a bit annoying. For example, the team released a statement that said "It is extremely unfortunate that this incident took place on what was otherwise a great day at Dodger Stadium for tens of thousands of fans...We're committed to having the most fan and family friendly environment in baseball and will continue to make that a top priority." Yeah, other than the beating that left a 42-year old married father of two in the hospital with brain injuries, it was a great day. See, if you're asking me, the beating really negates the great day. It really negates the great day if you're the one who had the crap beat out of them.

And as far as their "fan and family friendly environment" that they "will continue" to make a top priority? Yeah, when do you think they might get started on that? I'm just asking because in 2009 "...a man stabbed his friend in the stadium parking lot after the home opener." Can you really call them friends if one of them was stabbing the other? I have a lot of friends and we don't usually stab each other. In fact, I'm fairly comfortable saying that I would not want to be friends with anyone who I thought might get a little stabby with me from time to time. Or ever, for that matter. But maybe they're working on the safety for the even numbered years first. I really don't know their plan.

But I do know an asinine statement when I read it. I'm referring to statements such as the one made by coach Don Mattingly who said, "I was disappointed...You don't want to see that. Everyone likes rivalries, but to me, that's crossing the line." Oh, really? To you that was crossing the line? You think that other people have some other kind of a line that involves beating innocent people within an inch of their life? To you? What the what was that supposed to mean, anyway? I'm trying to overlook his merely being "disappointed". I'd prefer a little more outrage for things like this.

Here's to hoping that they catch the scumbags that did this. Here's also to hoping that people stop making idiotic statements when incidents like this one occur. And finally and most importantly, here's to hoping that Bryan Stow, the guy who was injured, will recover from his injures. Get well soon, Bryan.

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Ridiculous Things I Read About Today

Wow. I read a bunch of ridiculous things today and now I must share.

I was reading about Barry Bonds' upcoming trial for perjury. The perjury charges (and there are ten of them) stem from his telling a grand jury back in December of 2003 that "he never knowingly took steroids." Yeah, right. Did you see Barry Bonds back then? He was a mammoth. Of course he took steroids. Everyone in baseball took steroids and he was no exception. His arms were gigantic. His trained testified that at one point, he had to order new hats for Barry because his head was bigger. I don't know about you, but I don't know of many adult males whose head suddenly starts to grow if they are not on steroids.

But all of that isn't my point. My point is what I read in an article over at the Huffington Post. The article was talking about the hearing on Friday and it said, "Dressed in a dark suit and slimmed down from his San Francisco Giants playing days...." That's all you need to know. Gee, I wonder WHY he was all slimmed down? Could it be that there isn't any reason for him to take steroids any more? Yeah, that's a tough one to noodle through. Man, I hope they find him guilty. I know that there were a lot of players that roided up during the 1990s. But Barry is so smug about it. AND he did a lot of damage to the game by going on the juice. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Can't wait to see how that one turns out.

And then there's Nadya Suleman. Man, I have had about enough of her to last a lifetime. She was on Oprah the other day along with Suze Orman. You know who Suze Orman is, right? She's that attractive lesbian woman who gives sound financial advice in a rather obnoxious manner. She was on there to go through Octomom's finances. I don't know why they needed Suze Orman for that. I could have told you that she's broke. But in the discussion of her finances, Suze Orman asked Octomom if, back before she had herself impregnated with enough embryos to fill a gumball machine, she knew then what she knows now, would she have had the extra eight children. (Please remember that at the time that she pulled this completely inexcusable and utterly insane stunt, she already had six kids which she had no means of supporting. Oh, and of course there has never been a father in the picture.) It took her forever to answer the question, but she finally came out and said that if she had known then what she knew now that she would not have gone ahead with trying to have a litter of children. OK, what now?

What, exactly, is it that she knows now that she didn't know then? Let's see....she didn't have a husband then and she certainly wasn't going to get one in the near future. She didn't have a way to support herself and her six kids back then and she certainly wasn't going to be able to in the near future. How could she have not foreseen that this was going to turn out badly?! She now has fourteen children. What does it cost the taxpayer to pay for those fourteen children? And how much is it going to cost the taxpayer when they're over eighteen and end up in jail or, for the girls, knocked up themselves? Oh, come on! You think that those kids are going to grow up and be just fine? I doubt it. I'd love to be wrong, but I doubt it.

And finally, let's just wrap this up with the guy who is quickly shaping up to be the D-Bag of the year, Jesse James. As you may or may not care to recall, Mr. James was married to the ridiculously attractive Sandra Bullock and decided that it would be a good idea to cheat on her with at least one (but more like six) heavily tattooed skank(s). Mr. James has recently become engaged to another be-tatted woman, Kat Von D. In regard to this new found bliss, he says, " 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Yeah, the world can be a fickle bitch when you cheat on a beloved (and super hot) public figure like the delicious Ms. Bullock. What a maroon. I'm guessing that Sandra Bullock would probably express different sentiments about how her 2010 went. Oh, but that wasn't the best thing that he said. This serial cheater actually had the stones to say "Growing old with her is going to be a f****** blast!"

Right. Like the two of you are going to stay married long enough to grow old together. You guys won't even be married long enough to buy a new couch, let alone to grow old together. I'm pretty sure that a gallon of milk could last longer than your eternal bond is going to. And while I find his statements absolutely vacuous, I'm almost more amused at Kat Von D for agreeing to marry this dirtbag. You think that you're different, do you, cupcake? You think that y'all were meant for each other? You think that he isn't currently cheating on you? You must have answered yes to all of those semi-rhetorical questions, as you're actually going to marry him. Wow. Good luck with that.

And those are the ridiculous going-ons that I read about today. What about you? Got anything good for me?

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So, Is It Dangerous Or Not?

I'm not a big fan of people suing some company because there was an accident that involved the particular company's product. Look, accidents happen. Do you sue the manufacturer of a knife if you accidentally cut yourself with it? Well, I don't and you (hopefully) don't, but some low lifes do. But I always thought that they believed in their ridiculousness. I guess I thought that they really believed that the knife manufacturer should have warned the public that their product had sharp edges. I mean, I guess I would have thought that was the case in the story of a boy whose parents are suing the manufacturer of a baseball bat company because their son got beaned in the head by a ball that was hit with said bat. But then I read that they're still letting their son play baseball. With the same bat. Wait. What?

Correct. Meet Jake Schutter. Jake is 11 and plays baseball in Moneka, Illinois. Last May, Jake was pitching for the Moneka Blaze when, according to the

Chicago Sun Times "...a ball hit off a metal baseball bat crashed into the side of his head". The resulting bash to the noggin resulted in Jake losing the hearing in that ear. Naturally, the parents decided to sue Easton, the company that makes said bats. I find it mildly interesting that they didn't sue the manufacturer of the ball of that bashed into him. Why is it only the bat's fault and not the ball's fault?

I don't know either. But I do know that Jake's parents have said in their lawsuit that "...the manufacturer created a dangerous product that should not be on the market" and they're asking that "Easton pay for his injuries and suffering as well as attorney fees." And all the while, they're continuing to let their son play baseball with the dangerous product that should not be on the market. Yeah, sure. That makes perfect sense.

Oh, for cryin' out loud, no, it does not! If the bat is so damned dangerous and if you, as a parent, honest to God believed that, why, why, WHY in the world would you let your kid continue to play with said bat?! Well, you wouldn't. And that's probably because you don't (believe that, that is). But that doesn't mean that it's going to keep you from suing. Even the boy recognizes that these things happen and it's the chance that you have to take when you're playing sports! He said, "...he has no choice but to continue using a metal bat because all of his peers use it.“If everyone has a metal bat, why wouldn’t I have a metal bat?” Exactly.

What I want to know is what is going to happen if the kid gets beaned in the head again. What if he loses an eye or a nose or an ear or something like that. Then what? (Actually, I'd kind of like to see someone lose a nose from playing baseball. That'd be something to see.) Are they going to say that they shouldn't have dangerous products on the market because even people who have been injured by said product in the past might be too dense to realize the alleged danger and continue playing with them until the product finally just kills them? Given the proven non-rational thinking of these folks in the first place, I'm guessing they might attempt to legitimately make that point. I'm guessing that they'd fail miserably, but what's to stop them from trying. I can't wait to see how this one pans out. Unless, of course, it pans out with the company having to pay money to these folks. That I can do without.

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Idiotic Things I Read Today

You'd think that I'd be happier, what with the election finally over. Finally, I can have the TV on for more than 5 minutes without being bombarded with an ad by Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown telling me why their version of hell is better than their opponent's. But I'm irritated. I started perusing the Innerwebs this morning and just found idiocy after idiocy. Let's review.

My semi-beloved San Jose Mercury News ran a piece detailing the most awesome victory parade in San Francisco for the World Champion San Francisco Giants after they won the World Series in most excellent fashion on Monday. When describing the size of the massive crowd, the article read: "Those arriving in downtown San Francisco -- where police officers gave crowd estimates ranging from 200,000 to 1 million -- were greeted by gigantic orange and black balloons that bobbed on the traffic signals."

That's the BEST you can do?! Somewhere between 200,000 and a freaking million? OK, that's not really an estimate. That's just pulling numbers out of your arse. Anyone could come up with an estimate like that! What good does that do anyone? That's just a ridiculous way of saying "The crowd was very, very large". You morons.

Then there was an article over at Politics Daily. I'm not going to bag on the writer of the article so much, as I do kind of like what she tends to write. She was probably just having an off day. The point here is that the article focuses on the folks that Sarah Palin endorsed. The title of the article reads "Sarah Palin's Midterm Scorecard: A Winning Record, but Some Key Losses". In essence, it goes on to detail how Sarah Palin supported "...more than 100 conservative candidates during the primary and general elections." Um, OK. I guess she can do that being how she's being whatever it is that she's being these days. (I still haven't quite figured that out yet.) It then goes on to say, "A Politics Daily tally puts Palin's Tuesday successes at 62 wins, 23 losses and seven contests that are still too close to call, with Palin's candidates trailing in five of those races."

Let's do the math. She supported more than 100 candidates. She currently has 62 wins, 23 losses and 7 undecided. That's 92! That's not more than 100. What gives? On top of that, what makes these "wins" or these "losses" Sarah Palin's to absorb? Aren't there a lot of people out there who would support just about any conservative candidate, no matter how wacky they appeared (Christine O'Donnell, I'm talking about you)? I think there are. Since when did the wins and the losses of the conservative candidates fall squarely on the shoulders of Sarah Palin? She's a former half-term governor who once spent a couple of months running for Vice President! (And don't get me wrong. For the most part, I like Sarah Palin. But her endorsement of someone certainly isn't gold by any means and it shouldn't be construed as such.)

And finally, I'm really getting tired of how any time an animal attacks a human, it is made into some sort of sensationalistic news, as if something like that is so shocking and so unheard of that we should all just be in a state of disbelief that it ever occurred. Take this headline from The Huffington Post: "Peter Evershed KILLED by 5 Lions in Zimbabwe." Um, yes. I would imagine that five lions WOULD kill a man.

To begin, I get thoroughly annoyed when the media runs the name of some person afflicted by tragedy in a way that makes the reader feel as if something horrendous has happened to someone that they knew. Does anyone know who Peter Evershed was, other than people who actually knew him? No. He was a 59-year-old businessman from Zimbabwe. But the headline makes the reader initially feel as if they've just read "Brad Pitt KILLED by 5 Lions in Zimbabwe". (And, in this example, it wouldn't be much of a stretch for Brad to have actually been in Zimbabwe. He could have been over there buying another child to complete his collection. They don't have one from Zimbabwe yet, do they?)

See, animals eat meat. Humans are made of meat! Of course they're going to eat a human if they're given the chance. It's a big piece of meat! Why is that so shocking to people? Or maybe it's only shocking to the media. I'm not sure. But in another example of the inexplicable shock that this article tries to convey is when they quote some Zimbabwe guy as saying, "We appeal to everyone to exercise extreme caution. Animals have become extremely unpredictable." Wait. What now?

Have become? Animals have become unpredictable?! They're animals! Aside from that, since when is a wild animal eating human considered "unpredictable"? Seems pretty predictable to me. If you showed anyone a picture of a human standing in the wild with a bunch of lions walking around and you asked that person to guess what might be about to happen, I'd guess that nine times out of ten (with the tenth being the moron who wrote the article) the person you are asking would correctly infer that the chap in the picture is about to become lion lunch! HOW is that unpredictable?!

I've had enough. I'm going to go watch a little TV without a political ad in sight to try to make myself feel better.

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Home Plate Is Over Here, Sir

You've heard of the term "Throws like a girl"? Yeah, well, there needs to be a new saying. Something along the lines of "Throws like Charlie Crist". Yes, Charlie Crist, the perpetually orange governor of Florida threw out the first pitch for Game 2 between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers. OK, technically he threw out the first pitch. I don't know if you can call what he did a pitch. I'm also not real sure that it technically qualifies as throwing. Granted, he kind of got the ball as far as home plate. Kind of. And if the guy hadn't caught it, he would have also gotten the ball clear up in the 3rd base bleachers. Good Lord, it was so bad. So, so bad. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

See what I mean? What happened there? Oh, well. He can look at it this way: At least it took some of the focus off of his unnatural orange hue for a while.

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The Mark of a Liar

If anyone out there is shocked, simply shocked, that Mark McGwire took steroids when he broke all of the home runs records, then I'd like to direct your attention toward the Brooklyn Bridge which I am currently offering for sale. If there's anything to be shocked at, it's probably just that he finally admitted it. For some reason, being hired as a hitting coach for a major league baseball team warrants owning up to what everyone already knew that you did.

I've said for a long time that if you have done something that is so incredibly obvious to everyone, it doesn't matter what you say or what you don't say because everyone knows the truth. No one is being fooled. (We all know that OJ did it, regardless as to what he says. We all know that Richard Heene knew his kid wasn't in the balloon, regardless as to what he says. We know these things to be self evident.) No one is misled. The only thing missing from the equation is having it down in print somewhere. That's it. Just because Mark McGwire had never said (up until a couple of days ago) that he took steroids doesn't mean that we all had a looming question in our minds as to whether he did or not.

I'm sure that it says something about us (the collective "us", "us" as a people) that we didn't question how abnormally freaking large McGwire was during his fake run at the home run record. I totally remember watching him hit the record breaking home run. (I remember it because I remember what I was doing at the time and it's nothing that can be repeated here of all places.) And I also totally remember watching him stand there at the plate and thinking to myself, "My God. His biceps are the size of my thighs." Behold!

Yeah, that's not normal. I guess we thought that it was possibly something that was normal back then, but now that we know that there was steroid use involved (and even before we knew, but after we had heard rumors of), we think it's absolutely ludicrous that someone could look like that normally. Let's look at Mark McGwire when he was a rookie. Behold!

Yep, I was right. That's not normal. One more time....rookie year....

And in comparison to the 'roided up years...


Again, so not normal.

Here's the thing: Mark McGwire admitted he did steroids...and he should have just left it at that. At least then we could have gone about our ways thinking (if we actually cared to think about this loser ever again) that he had finally owned up to what we had all figured out. (I mean, seriously....after he was testifying before Congress back in 2005 and was essentially asked about his steroid use and he replied that he wasn't there to "talk about the past", was there any question after that point? I don't think that there was. And if I'm wrong and there was, please see my earlier reference to that bridge I'm currently offering for sale.) But then he went off and talked to Bob Costas.

Over there at MLB.com is an interview that McGwire did with Bob Costas, seemingly immediately just making the steroid admission. Let me just say right now that he should have quit when he was ahead. Rather than just letting it lie (he seems good at lying) he had to "explain" and "elaborate". He had to blather on and on about how he just took steroids "...for health purposes" and that "...At that time I was using steroids thinking it was going to help me. It was brought to my attention that it was going to help me heal faster, make my body feel back to normal." Really?

Tell me something, sir...when your body was "healing faster" and you started hitting home runs like crazy, moreso than you did before, did you really think that was "normal"? Really? Because we're not stupid here. (Well, those folks lined up to buy my bridge aren't exactly geniuses, I'll give you that. But I'm talking about the rest of us. Do we look that stupid?) And once your body was "healed", it's my understanding that you continued to take the miraculous, all healing steroids, is that correct? Of course it is. Oh, but you were just taking them because you were healing faster. Right. So, if you were all healed, what were you taking them for? Oh, that's right. Because you were a cheater.

Here's my favorite part of his tearful and crying interview with the revered Mr. Costas. (Yes. Crying. I thought there was no crying in baseball!) Bob (I call him Bob) "Asked repeatedly...if he believed that his statistics and records were legitimate in light of the disclosure" and when he did "...McGwire did not budge." Wait. What now?

That's right. He had the audacity to say "Absolutely. I truly believe so. I was given this gift by the man upstairs." And sooooo....because you were given that....(gift, was it?) that gift and instead of accepting the gift, you decided to do steroids because the gift wasn't good enough? Am I understanding you correctly? Am I also understanding that you're really going to try and drag God into all of this? Puh-lease. Please just spare us any references to God, got it? It doesn't help. It only makes you look like more of an ass than you already do.

He also said that "The steroids that I did were on a very, very low dosage. I didn't want to take a lot of that. I didn't want to look like an Arnold Schwarzenegger or Lou Ferrigno...I took very, very low dosages just because I wanted my body to feel normal." Huh. He wanted it to feel normal. He apparently wasn't too worried about it looking normal, though. Clearly, he did not look normal. He looked massive. And while I find that statement semi- interesting, I'm still left with the feeling of "whatever". See, at this point, it doesn't matter what you're claiming the doses were because we don't care. So just please stop talking. Please stop talking now.

Mark McGwire is a liar and he wasted everyone's time by having us all interested in whether or not he was going to be able to do something that no one (since Roger Maris in 1961) else had been able to do. And by being a liar and a cheater, he opened the door to other a-holes to do the same thing. (Hello? Barry Bonds? Hell-ooooo?) And I guess he didn't realize that by admitting that he did steroids, that people would suddenly realize (as if we didn't before now) he really didn't hit all of those home runs on his own merit and that they would subsequently discredit him for what he had appeared to do (the record breaking and all). So it must have been at that point that he decided to throw in all of the obvious crap about how he knows, he knows he would have been able to do everything he did even without the steroids. Uh-huh. Pipe down, Mark. We're done with you.

See, whether it's true or not, you cheating liar, we're never going to know. There's no way for us to know and you know what that means, you cheating liar? That means that there is no way for you to know. I find it hard to believe that if you felt that you could have hit all of those home runs without using steroids that you would not have done so. If you honestly believed that you could have done it without the steroids, then you must be dumber than a box of hair to have gone ahead with the steroid use even after you were "healed" and continued to use them. Any respect that you might have garnered from your long overdue admission is completely gone. You're never getting into the Hall of Fame, which seems rather appropriate considering you haven't done anything legitimate in order to get there. Your name will be asterisked whenever and wherever your stats appear. You haven't done anything in your professional career other than cheat and lie. And you're now nothing more than a hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, and that seems about right. Good luck with that. Oh, and please stop talking about this. You're making yourself look worse now than when you were testifying before Congress. And that is a feat that I would have thought to have been difficult to top.

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This Bat Does Not Cause Death

Forget about all of the signs that you've been told will signal the end of civilization as we know it. Whether they be rising oceans, searing heat from the sun, the earth opening up and swallowing us whole, all of those would be preferable to how we're really going to meet our doom. With ridiculous lawsuits.

A society cannot sustain itself with the continuing trend of people suing on grounds that are asinine but yet winning said ridiculous lawsuits. From the fine folks over there at USA Today, we learn of yet another injustice in the asinine lawsuit department. It would seem that over there in Helena, Montana, a jury felt it necessary to award $850,000 to a family to compensate for the death of their son during a baseball game back in 2003. They found judgment against the make of the bat. That's right. The jury found that the "maker of Louisville Slugger baseball bats failed to adequately warn about the dangers the product can pose." Wait. What now?

Back in 2003, a one Brandon Patch was pitching in an American Legion baseball game in Helena. The bats that were being used were Louisville Slugger aluminum baseball bats. Brandon threw a pitch and the batter hit the ball. The ball was a line drive straight at Brandon, striking him in the head and causing an injury from which he would die only hours later. That, in and of itself, is a heartbreaking tragedy and my sincere condolences go out to his entire family and all of his friends.

That being said, how is it exactly that the manufacturer of the bat is responsible for his tragic death? Well, according to the lawyers (who will have a certain spot in hell, I'm fairly sure of that) "...aluminum baseball bats are dangerous because they cause the baseball to travel at a greater speed." They contended that Brandon "...did not have enough time to react to the ball being struck before it hit him in the head." Um, clearly that was the case. But what isn't so clear is how this is the fault of the manufacturer of the bat.

Mind you, "...the jury also decided the product was not defective." But what the jury did decide was that the aluminum bat "...posed a threat without an adequate warning label." Are you kidding me?!

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, but what, pray tell, would you like the warning label to say? "This bat is meant to hit baseballs and if they hit you it's going to hurt and you could die?" Do people not KNOW that? I mean, do people not KNOW that subjectively? I don't think for one second that every player that takes to a baseball field is thinking in the back of their mind, "This could be it for me." In fact, I'm going to guess and say that NEVER happens. You know WHY that never happens? Because this, my friends, was, stay with me here, an accident.

Accidents happen. I know that sounds cold and calloused in this situation, but it's true. Accidents happen. All sorts of accidents happen. But just because they happen and because you're overwrought with grief, that doesn't mean that you're going to look around and find someone to blame. What if the kid had fallen out of a tree and landed on his dome? Are the parents going to sue the company that manufactures the seeds that the tree had grown from? What if the packets of seeds didn't have a warning label that stated "This product can grow into a full blown tree and if you climb in and fall out and land on your noggin, you could croak." (I'm paraphrasing, of course. I have no experience in writing warning labels.) No, of course you wouldn't because that would be what? Silly, that is correct.

If I were on that jury and this is what it came down to (warning labels or no warning labels), in order for me to side with the family I would have to believe that there should be a warning label on an aluminum bat that said a ball hit with said bat would travel faster than that hit with a wooden bat and that my reaction time to said ball would be lessened. Furthermore, I would have to believe that if there WAS a warning label, that it would have been sufficient enough for my child to NOT have played ball and gotten hurt. I don't think that's the case at all. Nor do I think it would be the case.

Seriously, you tell me. If you had a kid (or maybe you do have a kid. Better you than me, though.) and they wanted to play ball and they brought home their aluminum bat and you looked at it and saw the ridiculous warning that I gave an example of above, would you then jump to your feet (I'm assuming you're relaxing before all of the alarming stuff goes on) and tell your kid that there was NO way in hell that you were going to let him play with an aluminum baseball bat because it might hit a ball faster? Yeah, I don't think you're going to say that. Mainly I say that because I'm assuming in my above scenario that you're actually going to read the warning label on a baseball bat if there was one. You're not. Don't kid yourself. You're not.

This is ridiculous and I would like to speak with every member on that jury and ask them what they were thinking. I can guess what they were thinking, though. They were likely thinking about the emotional aspect of this case and I get that. Losing your child to an accident is horrible, I agree. But just because there is an accident, it doesn't mean that there is someone to blame. This accident could have happened with a wooden bat. Then what? Are you going to sue for not having a warning period on the wooden bat that says you could get hurt? It's a BAT. I would think that you understand that playing with a BAT could always have some aspect of the chance of getting hurt. Again, I repeat, it's a BAT.

Just remember, in the future, if you see a baseball bat with a warning on it to the effect of "Serious injury, even death, may occur with the use of this product" you'll know where it came from. It is at that point that I will be happy to share with you my designs for my walled off compound and my instructions for how to dig a moat and the proper care and feeding of alligators for said moat. You're going to be that much closer to wanting to keep the heck away from this overly litigious society that can never accept that which is without blame. Trust me. It's a lot safer in here being away from people who think that the makers of a bat are responsible for a kid getting hit in the head with a ball. Much, much safer.

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