Breaking News Or Something

BREAKING NEWS!  Well, according to the Huffington Post it's breaking news.  For me, it might be my breaking point. Brace yourselves.  Jimmie Walker is not a fan of President Barry.

That's right.  Jimmie Walker.  Now, if you're sitting there and thinking to yourself, "Who the eff is Jimmie Walker?" I have the feeling that you are not alone.  See, Jimmie Walker was the star of a relatively successful television program that went off the air in 1979.  I'll save you the trouble and do the math.  It was thirty-three years ago.  Of course, just because his show went off the air six presidents ago, that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't relevant.  I mean, he's not, but it's not really a given.  He hasn't done hardly anything since then (unless you're going to count his Syfy movie Super Shark, and why wouldn't you?) and even if he had, I don't know why we would care what he thinks about President Barry.

I don't know exactly how it was that Jimmie Walker was asked about his views on President Barry and I'm not so sure that I care to  know.  Actually, I'd like to know who asked him about them because I have a few questions for that person.  Questions like "Was Todd Bridges not available?" and "Do you know what Sherman Hemsley thinks about gay marriage?"  Oh, and of course "HOW IS THIS ACTUAL REPORTING?!?!"

We really need a moratorium on all sorts of political "reporting" until about two weeks before the election (which cannot come soon enough, thank you very much).  And we need a complete end to asking once-celebrities what they think about anything political.  And dear God, if you're someone who is going to base your vote depending upon the political leanings of Jimmie Walker, please, please don't vote.  Ever. 

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There Is No Such Thing As Zombies

I know that I say we're doomed a lot, but it's not like I don't give plenty of examples to back up my statement of impending doomage.  I show you time and time again how this country is not long for this world and not without good reason.  Too many morons running the show seems to be the problem.  And now we must add to said list of morons a group that isn't typically thought of as being particularly moron heavy.  That group would be the CDC, the Center for Disease Control.  There are brilliant minds over there who work tirelessly to help thwart deadly diseases and to prevent others from taking over (which really wouldn't be all that bad of an idea for some folks out there.  But I digress.).  And that's why my disappointment level is at an all time high when I read that they have issued a statement in light of the recent "cannibalistic" attacks that have taken place.  So, have no fear, there are no zombies near.  Wait.  What? 

That's right.  The CDC has felt the need to announce that zombies (yes, zombies) are (wait for it) not real.  I know!  Can you believe it?!  Not real!  Who'd a thunk it?!  According to Business Week, a one CDC spokesman David Daigle "...sent an email to the Huffington Post, answering questions about the possibility of the undead walking among us".  Now, while I don't know that I would necessarily call the Huffington Post the bastion of reporting, I do have a great deal of respect for the CDC.  And one of my reasons for having the opinion that I do of the Huffington Post is that they are the sort of organization that would ask the CDC questions about zombies.  That the CDC felt the need to stoop down and answer those questions is why I'm annoyed at the CDC.  Aren't they above that?  Apparently not. 

In part, he wrote, "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead,"...adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"  Good Lord.  Wouldn't a simple "They're not real, dips**ts!" suffice?  This is the group of people who are supposed to help prevent and protect against the outbreak of disease and they're commenting on zombies.  You tax dollars hard at work, folks!  There's even a specific page on the CDC's website entitled "Zombie Preparedness".  The theory behind it seems to be that if you're prepared for a fictional zombie attack, then you will have also prepared yourself for other real disasters and problems that can come your way.  So since people are too stupid to prepare for real things, I guess the CDC figures that it's just easier to go ahead and let them since it might help them with something else.  I think that they're giving those sorts of folks too much credit.  Anyone who is actually preparing for the zombie apocalypse wouldn't even realize if/when a real disaster were to strike.  With their head so far up their proverbial ass, it's a wonder they can prepare for anything at all. 

Now, I get the part about people needing to have something to blame for events that they find completely horrifying.  It's like when someone dies of a heart attack or something and you find an unlikely way to justify their death that would make it at least slightly improbably that you would meet the same fate.  (For example, poor Jim gets hit by a bus walking across a busy street.  It's the same street that you walk across all the time.  It's also the same street where you see plenty of buses.  Thus, you say to yourself, "Oh, well, Jim was such a fat-ass that it's no surprise that he died."  Jim's fat-assed-ness had nothing to do with it, but you attribute that to him so that you don't have to think about your own ass (fat or not) getting hit by a bus in a similar fashion.) But what is wrong with the most logical explanation in these sorts of instances?  What's wrong with attributing these horrific attacks (and subsequent ingestion of human flesh and/or parts) to a simple case of crazy?  There's no need to make stuff up.  Those folks were just good old fashioned crazy!  You don't to drag fictional monsters into the equation.  Just go with crazy! 

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Focus!

All of these women who are so up in arms about rotund blowhard Rush Limbaugh calling some chick a slut really need to calm down and set some priorities. Do you really want to give the guy any more attention that he already has on a daily basis with his incredibly large radio show audience? (Who are you people who can listen to this guy? It's just like, his opinion, man. Why would you want to sit and listen to someone pontificate about the days events in only a way as to skew it toward the point of view that he favors? I just want facts and then a discussion about the facts. Oh, throw in a little humor and we're good.) Can't they focus on real matters?

Take Ross Mirkarimi for example. Mr. Mirkarimi is the sheriff of San Francisco. See, he had been charged with multiple things like child endangerment and domestic violence after a New Year's Day kerfluffle with his wife that left her with bruised arms. Yeah, that's not cool for any dude to do, but when you're sheriff I really think that you should avoid breaking the law. Call me crazy! It's just one of those things with me.

But get this: Yesterday or the day before he pled guilty to one charge of false imprisonment and the rest of the more serious charges (including the ones that were felonies) were dropped. Shocking that the sitting sheriff would get some sort of a sweet deal, ain't it? Yeah, not quite so much. So they've got a sheriff that's been convicted of false imprisonment of his wife. And do you think he's stepping down? Uh-uh. He's just going to go about business as usual. And it's questionable (and leaning toward unlikely) if there's a legal reason for him to be booted out by the mayor or someone else. So he's going to be the sheriff! Where are all of the women protesting this S?

No where. There is a ton of public outrage because of something Rush Limbaugh simply said on his radio show. This is a guy who is violent toward women! Actual violence! Contrary to what people must believe based upon their reaction to the slut incident, we're gonna survive being called names. It's not gonna kill us. (We're not all the dainty little flowers that people like President Barry think that we are to the point that he needs to call one of us up to "see if she's OK". Please.) But being beaten up by a guy? That could kill someone! And where are the protests? Where is the outrage? Where are the women flipping out because a sheriff has been convicted of false imprisonment (of his wife) and is still planning on being sheriff?! NO where. There just aren't any.

We are a sad little country. I guess people are just so distracted by any shiny object that comes along (and when you're as big and shiny as Rush Limbaugh, I realize that it's hard to look away) that they must get blinded and unable to see it when a real issue actually does come along! The sheriff had a physical altercation with his wife that included some sort of imprisoning falsely! And he's still sheriff! Where's the outrage?! Where are the protests?! Why are you letting yourselves be distracted by Rush Limbaugh and his meaningless comments about some law school student? No one wants to take away your birth control! It's not going to happen! Just calm down and focus! What is wrong with you people?! God, we're doomed.

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Jatravesty

Every single day I keep seeing more and more signs of our imminent demise. (Aka "We're doomed.") Here's what I saw today. Behold!

Wow. Are we...are we sure that those are actually names? I guess we kind of have to assume that they are (as that's usually how these sorts of things work), but I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard of most of those before. And that's not to say that there is something wrong with that. It's just saying...oh, come on! You know what it's saying as well as I do!

Wow. Memaw sure does have a lot of baybays. Does that actually say Jamodesty? That's gotta be a joke. Jamodesty? Sort of like Jermaine Jackson's kid, Jermajesty? I guess Jermajesty was a little too self-indulgent, so they went with Jamodesty? Or maybe that's the feminine form. If Jermajesty is the masculine form of Ja'highness, then that might make sense. All of these seem like derivatives of Heywood Jablowme, but I think I digress.

Actually, wait a minute. Maybe I've figured out how this whole thing works. You take a word that starts with an "M" and ends with a "Y", put a little "Ja" at the beginning of that and BAM! You've got yourself a ghetto name generator. Jamatrimony, Jamalady, Jamilitary, Jamercury, Jamelody. I'm a genius! I'm also ashamed! Moving on!

Now, to be fair, since these are "Memaw's" baybays, I can't really bag on Memaw as she didn't name them. She is advertising those names, however. That's a punishable offense right there when you're talking about E Monte and Jerodius. And while I can give her a little bit of leeway because she wasn't the actual namer, she still loses those points for the misplaced apostrophe in "BayBay's" Oooh! Oooh! Japostrophe!

Oh, God. I've clearly lost it. Must be late. OK, in conclusion, don't do this stuff. If you know someone who does, just turn around and walk the other way. They're beyond help. Save yourself.

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Doomed Due To Leap Day

I was really having a tough time trying to figure out something to post for today. Maybe that was because I was so confused about Leap Day the other day. Oh, no, wait. That wasn't me. That was the chick in the video below. Um, I should probably warn you that you may want to kill yourself after viewing this video. You will definitely want to kill the girl. Oh, and there's a boatload of profanity in it. It really adds to the charm of it all. Is it rather loud, as she is shrieking, so you might want to turn down your speakers or something. Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I can't help you very much. I certainly hope this chick is the exception and not the norm these days. I mean, I know we're doomed. But I don't want to be doomed at the hands of this chick. That would just add insult to injury. And who needs that? We're already doomed, why make it worse?

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The Future Of America

You know how I keep saying that we're doomed? It's because we are. Check out the video below and tell me differently. Some guy went and interviewed a bunch of teenagers at his school and asked them fairly basic questions along the lines of "What is the capital of Washington?" and "Who is the Vice President of the United States?" Not. Too. Tricky. Then again, I'm showing you this video, so how good could it possibly be? You're right. Not good at all. We're doomed. I mean, they really tried to think of the answer. But it just wasn't enough. We're still doomed. Behold!

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Bed Sheet Insanity

California is in dire straits. The budget is completely out of control. It's going straight down an s-hole, if you will. And with things so freaking bad, what does the state legislature do? They debate whether or not to make it a law that hotels must use fitted sheets. I kid you not. Read on!

According to the lovely LA Times, the law proposal "is intended to address back injuries sustained by hotel housekeepers" And they think they're going to do that by only using fitted sheets in hotel rooms? Clearly, whoever wrote this bill (Kevin De Leon (D-umbass-Los Angeles), I'm talking to you) has never made a bed. Even with a fitted sheet, you still have to lift up the mattress to tuck that little corner thing underneath. So what in the hell good is it going to do to only have fitted sheets?! On top of that, you need to have at least one flat sheet on a bed, don't you?! I'm not going to sleep with a fitted sheet on top of me. That just won't work!

But this is seriously going on. The state of California wants to make it a law that you have to use a certain kind of a sheet if you're a hotel. What happened to "Land of the Free"? You can't possibly tell me that this is it?! I don't think that there needs to be a freaking law that defines the type of bed sheet that a private business uses! The government is going to tell a privately owned business just exactly how to do its business? If that doesn't chill you to your core (AND annoy the holy crap out of you), then you, my friend, need a helmet. We're so doomed.

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Who's Crying For Me, Argentina?

So, the FAA has kind of been partially shut down for a couple of weeks now. I guess there's some sort of political to-do over unions or something. And while the FAA is still up and running, it's not entirely functional. See, they can't take in taxes (to the tune of about $30 million per day) and so the federal government is losing out on that money. Also, about "...4,000 FAA workers furloughed without pay and another 70,000 construction workers without work", according to the Huffington Post. And the other day, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood scolded Congress for leaving town before they had reauthorized the FAA's funding.

And he's acting like he's flipping out (I have no idea if he actually gives a fat rat's ass or not) because there are upwards of 74,000 people who could lose their jobs. Here's my question: Let's say that my cushy ass job (I'm not saying the FAA jobs are cushy ass. I have no idea. I'm saying that MY job is cushy ass.) was endangered at some point. (And knowing me, it's going to be. It's just a given. I mean, I'm good at what I do. It's just a matter of how long I can hold my tongue with some things. And that's when the fireworks start.) Is there anyone who is going to come to my defense and speak up for me and my job to be saved? I don't think there is!

Does this Ray LaHood guy not understand how many jobs have been lost in the private sector all over this country over the past, say....five years? Private sector jobs are NOT sacred. Why on earth, if a government department is going to shut down or need to be scaled back, that everyone acts like there is some great atrocity that is being committed and everything that can possibly be done to save those people's jobs should be done? How in the hell are we supposed to shrink our government (and our government spending) without some of those folks losing their jobs?! We can't!

I don't know when it started that if you managed to land yourself a government job that you were set for life. That mindset has GOT to change! Do I care if more people will be unemployed? Yes, of course I do. But do I think that having a government job means that it should last forever? I don't think that I do. Again, how are we going to shrink the government (and thus, what the government spends) if no government program OR worker is untouchable?! We're not! There you have it. Doomed, I tell you. And screwed. Screwed and doomed. We're scroomed.

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Which Line Is Fastest?

Have I mentioned lately that we're doomed? Yes? I have? OK, good. I just wanted to make sure. Because we are, you know. Doomed. Completely doomed. Here, allow me to give you just one more indicator of said doomnation. Below is a sign that was at the Target in Emeryville. Behold! Good Lord. Really?! How much contempt does Target have for their customers that they felt the need to put out a sign such as that one? I really don't understand. Were people getting in the longest possible line that there was and then becoming confused when things didn't just zip right along? What is the meaning of this?! Are people really requiring of this sort of direction? For reals?! Are you seeing this, Mr. and Mrs. America and little America, Jr.?! Look what we've become! Doomed. Dooooooommmmed!

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He Shouldn't Be Using Food Stamps

Contrary to my tone and demeanor around here, there are very few people and/or things that I actually hate. Sure, I despise things. Many, many things annoy the holy hell out of me. But I don't hate a lot of things or a lot of people. This Leroy Fick guy in Michigan, though? Yeah, I might hate him.

Here's the story: Leroy won $2 million dollars in a Michigan state lottery game called "Make Me Rich". Interestingly, the show is hosted by Peter Knight who played Peter on "The Brady Bunch". Good to know that he could find work. But back to Mr. Fick. You know. The guy I might hate? Yeah, him.

After Mr. Fick won his two million dollars, it appears that he was given the option of having it paid to him in installments (which usually are spread out over a ridiculous number of years, like 20) or taking the lump sum payment. He took the lump sum payment. Now, while you get a big pile of cash all at once, they do take out a boat load of taxes. It ends up being right around half. So, Mr. Fick still won about a million dollars. He's a millionaire. On food stamps. Wait a minute. He what?

That's right. He still uses food stamps. According to WNEM, there is some sort of idiotic loophole in the federal regulations that are used to determine who is eligible to receive food stamps. For reasons which I cannot even begin to fathom, the system does not take into account your liquid assets when you are applying for aid. Soooo...they don't ask you if you have any money to spend? Thus, if you have money, it doesn't matter because they don't ask you that? What in the hell are the requirements based on? With that low of a standard, I can't imagine that ANYONE would not qualify. Who's idea was THAT?!

He's not breaking any laws by doing what he's doing. He's just a jackass, that's all. A rich jackass who doesn't want to pay for his own food even though he is perfectly able to pay for his own food. And he apparently doesn't care, as he told the reporter guy, "Well, I think it's fair because of the way that they took the taxes." They're supposed to take out taxes, you moron! That's how the system works! Just because they take taxes out doesn't mean that you don't have to pay for your own food when you have the means to do so! He also thinks that using the food stamps instead of his own money is the "prudent" thing to do. Uh, listen here, sir. If you were so worried about being "prudent" with your money, you shouldn't have been spending the pittance that you did have every month on the freaking lottery! Playing the lottery is the absolute opposite of freaking prudent!


The reporter who spoke to this asshat continues to probe into what other services Mr. Fick receives a(s someone who has about a million dollars) and Mr. Fick tells him that he is also on disability. (I could say that he looks like he's fine, but I know that there are things that can be wrong with a person that you can't see. For example, this guy has the moral compass of a jackrabbit in heat. You can't just tell that simply by looking at the guy.) And from his point of view, he thinks that all of this is ethical.

The reporter asks him what he thinks that a single mother with two jobs and working eighty hours a week would think about him and all of his money collecting from social services that are offered.
"If you're going to sit there and try to make me feel bad, you aren't going to do it. It ain't gonna happen. So you might as well just ship on out. Goodbye." Do you hate him yet? Because I'm pretty sure that I do.

If this guy is able to totally take advantage of this system with as much money as he has, you know that there are others doing it. The country is going freaking broke and yet we have a system that allows for loopholes like this one. The guy drives a convertible Audi and is on freaking food stamps! We are so effing screwed and doomed. We're scroomed.

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Infodots Versus Reality

I'm a big fan of the website Reddit. It's basically just a website for link sharing. The website calls itself "The voice of the Internet". I'm good with that. I realize that it doesn't help in describing it any sort of concrete terms, but since I included the link above, you'll be able to figure it out. I like it because they seem to be able to have interesting and on-topic discussions about a variety of subjects in a rather civilized manner. And oh, the things I have learned. Naturally, first and foremost, I've learned that we really are scroomed.

For example, one Redditor started this topic: "My teacher didn't allow us to say the term "bullet points" because it "promotes violence". Reddit, what are the stupidest rules that your teachers/instructors have made?" (The teacher made them use the made-up moniker "infodots" instead. And you thought the story couldn't get any more ridiculous this early on! That's not a word!) Naturally, I was hoping that it would turn out to be a very short conversation, as I was already in enough pain from smacking my head against the wall after reading about the forbidden bullet points terminology. (For reals? Who are those sort of people? Does the teacher who made that rule realize that the bullet points aren't made out of real bullets? Apparently not. I'm also guessing that the teacher in question didn't realize that the sort of things like the banning of the term "bullet points" is what really "promotes violence". Moron.) There ended up being at least 3,401 comments on this topic. And on the good side, I'm always looking for a reason to drink. Trust me, this gave me more than enough reasons. Let's begin.

Here we have a memory from someone with a clearly psychotic Spanish teacher who may or may not have had some sort of Hispanic 'Easy Rider' complex going on. "My spanish teacher deducted marks if we didn't get on our imaginary spanish motorcycles (hand gestures and everything) when we had to say a word with two r's next to each other (like perro)...Everytime we reved the engine (not quite sure what the correct term is when you put your hand on the handlebars and move your arm in a circular motion), we had to intensify the "rrrr" sound". I understand wanting kids to get the hang of the rolling r, but deducting points if you don't make yourself look like a jackass in class? I'd like to think that I would have failed that class out of sheer refusal to participate in such nonsense.

Reckoning back to a topic I touched on recently, "Children at my kid's school are not allowed to play tag because it would require someone to be "it". Why, yes! Yes, it would require that! It's not like you're going to be "it" forever! And it's not like you would have to do things like that scary-ass clown in that movie of the same name. The people who made up that rule must not understand the game very well. And that really explains a lot.

Even though there isn't any reasoning to any of this, here's one where there really wasn't a reason: "We weren't allowed to say 'brain storm' and had to say 'thought shower' instead. I don't think there was even a reason why." Maybe they were afraid it would offend epileptics? I don't know. Again, I'd like to think that I would have refused to follow that rule out of the sheer principle of the matter. That being I don't like to be told to do things that are patently ridiculous, not to mention completely inane.

Going from ridiculous to absolutely asinine..."A school I went to didn't allow running, you could only skip because some how that was safer. I kid you f***ing not". And as a result, the kids all played a FABULOUS game of flag football.

In the category of "Worst Advice Ever", we have this lovely nugget: "My sophomore High School English teacher instructed us that every essay should begin with "This essay is about..." He insisted that this is the format that college professors would expect." My response is about how completely moronic that is. That is moronic. In conclusion, I responded that it was moronic.

From the "You're Trying Too Hard" file: "We weren't allowed to use "dice" in math class. They were to be called "number cubes". Reason? "Dice" promoted gambling." I can't imagine how someone with such shallow thinking skills is actually a math teacher. Call them what you want, they are what they are. What part of that is confusing to that person?!

"At my school, they allowed us to play dodgeball, but instead of calling it dodgeball, we had to call it "happy fun ball". After a year, we weren't allowed to have the word ball in it. We had to refer to it as "happy fun time". This was high school." This makes me want to cry. Oh, wait a minute. There appears to be a slight salty discharge emanating from my tear ducts. I appear to be weeping for humanity. (I'm going to try to resist asking the question of why they were playing dodgeball in high school. It's really hard. That's what she said.)

And finally, mainly because all of this has driven me to drink (not that I was objecting): "My teacher told us not to use the term "white-out" because it could be deemed racist. We were instead told to use the term "correction paste". You have got to be dry shaving me! It's not even spelled the same! Idiocy has seeped over into phonetics?! Is that what you're telling me? Just because something is white doesn't mean that it is racist! There are lots of white things that are not racist!

In conclusion, I'd just like to reiterate that the inmates are running the asylum and we are all scroomed. Thank you and where's my drink?

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Those Aren't Cuts!

Remember that budget deal that all of those weasels in Congress waited until the very last freaking minute to agree upon? Yeah, that's the one. And remember how they were all smiles afterward and acted like they had accomplished something monumental? (I know that whenever they do nothing they think it's monumental, but this time they were really pleased with their own act.) And then after it was all said and done we were told that they managed to cut about $38 billion dollars? Remember? Of course you do! It was only a couple of days ago for cryin' out loud. It turns out that the $38 billion dollars that they claim to be cutting isn't anywhere close to what they actually cut. No, in fact, the amount that they actually cut is so ridiculous that it seems damn near pointless to cut it at all. It really is a "Why bother?" scenario.

This new but not surprising information comes to us from the fine folks over there at The Washington Post. They learned from the Congressional Budget Office that "A federal budget compromise that was hailed as historic for proposing to cut about $38 billion would reduce federal spending by only $352 million this fiscal year, less than 1 percent of the bill’s advertised amount". Now look, I'm not one to be someone to claim "Oh, that's just a drop in the bucket." But, come on! $352 million?! Less than one freaking percent?! How did this happen? I'll tell you how this happened. It happened in part because "...$13 billion to $18 billion of the cuts involve money that existed only on paper and was unlikely to be tapped in the next decade." Oh, good! They're trying to fix our impending fiscal doom with accounting tricks. Next up? Fun house mirrors! And they act so freaking proud of themselves.

Here's the best part. Even though those $352 million in cuts will happen, for some reason, no one felt like factoring in "emergency" money for military action. You know. Like if we end up in Libya or something like that. (Yeah, like that's really going to happen. Wait. Didn't we....? Yeah. We did. Hmm. Disregard that statement.) Now, I don't know why they wouldn't factor those things in. If I'm doing a household budget and I have emergency money that I have spent or am spending, I'm going to have to factor in that it's going to get used. There's no way around that. You can call it whatever you want, but you still have to count it. But I'm guessing that the reason that they didn't want to count it when they were forming the budget out of snake oil is because if they did then "...the overall spending for this fiscal year may actually increase, by more than $3 billion." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Their little accounting tricks don't end there. "A Washington Post analysis of the 459-page budget revealed at least 98 cases in which Congress took back unused IOUs and called it a cut." HOW is that a cut? Don't answer that. There's more. "When the Capitol Visitor Center was under construction, lawmakers allotted $621 million to pay for it. The project wound up costing less than $600 million. In the compromise budget, lawmakers took back $15 million of the unused budget authority." Well, I should hope that they took it back! They didn't USE IT!

I'm making myself crazy here. This is insane. Instead of saving any money at all, Congress has very well (and probably very likely) passed a budget that is going to be costing the country MORE money. And people wonder why folks get so up in arms about spending! It's because it is out of control. President Barry said the other day that the greatest threat to our national security was our debt. And if he truly believes that and he ends up signing this budget, then we are so scroomed that there's not even any point. If both sides of Congress are going to flat out lie to us, it's over. And both sides, by saying that this budget cuts $38 billion dollars, are lying to us. Thus, it's over. We're scroomed. Goodbye, sweet America.

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The School Knows Better Than You Do

Goodbye, sweet America. Can't figure out what to feed your own child? Are you addled brained of a parent that you're going to need someone else to decide what you child should and should not eat? Well, if you answered yes to those two questions AND if you have a child and they are currently attending (or going to attend) Little Village Academy in Chicago, then you are in luck! That's right. That's because the Little Village Academy in Chicago has decided that you have no idea how to feed your kid properly and therefore they have banned "...students from bringing lunches from home altogether."

That's right. It doesn't matter if you want to pack your kid's lunch. If your child attends Little Village Academy, you can't. According to the Chicago Tribune, "...students are not allowed to pack lunches from home. Unless they have a medical excuse, they must eat the food served in the cafeteria." NOT ALLOWED to pack lunches from home. In the land of the free. All right then. How...how...why is this? Well, because the school knows better than you, silly.

The principal, a one Elsa Carmona, explained that "...her intention is to protect students from their own unhealthful food choices." By telling folks how to parent. By telling them that they CANNOT choose what their own child eats. By taking away their freedom to raise their child how they see fit. All right then. This is asinine. Oh, and in case you were wondering what sort of meal they will be providing the children with for their own protection, please see the photo below. It is alleged that it is some sort of "an enchilada dish". Behold!

Oh, man. Kid, I feel for ya. Ms. Carmona claims that she created this policy six years ago. The reasoning? She saw students bringing "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" on field trips for lunch. Oh, no! Flaming hot chips! Soda?! The madness! She goes on to say that "Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school." Right. Because parents are completely incapable of packing a nutritious lunch for their children to eat. Those poor dumb, dumb parents. She also says that "It's about the nutrition and the excellent quality food that they are able to serve (in the lunchroom). It's milk versus a Coke. But with allergies and any medical issue, of course, we would make an exception." Wait. She what?

She would make an exception for kids with allergies or some sort of medical issue? You mean, the school doesn't know how to handle things like that better than the parents do? Why not? They seem to know what's best for every other kid out there when it comes to feeding them. Why can't they execute that same sort of care for the ones that really need some help? If you answered because this is an asinine policy to begin with, please come forward and claim your prize.

And in case you were wondering who pays for all of this, let us go to the part of the article that really aggravates me. It explains that "Any school that bans homemade lunches also puts more money in the pockets of the district's food provider, Chartwells-Thompson. The federal government pays the district for each free or reduced-price lunch taken, and the caterer receives a set fee from the district per lunch." I see. Soooo...let me get this straight. By doing this, someone actually makes money. By taking away the freedom to choose, someone is profiting off of it. Huh. And the money that someone makes comes from where again? The federal government, was it? Yeah, OK. And that money comes from where again? OH. That's right. ME!

How many times do I have to point out to morons that this stuff happens ALL THE TIME. This isn't a "free" program. It's paid for by the taxpayers! Federal taxpayers! When did it become everyone else's job to feed someone else's kid?! I didn't sign up for that! I can think of about a hundred different ways that I would like my federal tax dollars to be used and not one of them involves feeding school children in Chicago! (And most of them don't include the many, many ways our tax dollars are already being pissed away, but I digress.)

Fortunately, there are some voices of reason with this issue. A one J. Justin Wilson, who is a senior researcher at the Washington-based Center for Consumer Freedom, which is partially funded by the food industry, said "This is such a fundamental infringement on parental responsibility." Do you think?! Oh, sorry about that. He seems to be on my side. Never mind. I meant, yeah! It's an infringement. (I'm going to have to remember that phrase. Fundamental infringement. It sounds a little more responsible than "moronic" or "asinine".) He also asks the sadly rhetorical question of "Would the school balk if the parent wanted to prepare a healthier meal?" Hard to say, being as how they've banned lunches from home altogether, but I'd still like to know their answer.

Another voice of reason on this topic seems to come from a one Diane Whitmore Schanzenbach who is an "education policy professor" (whatever that is). She commented on the issue of the cost of requiring students to eat a school lunch at the cost of $2.25 a day. "We don't spend anywhere close to that on my son's daily intake of a sandwich (lovingly cut into the shape of a Star Wars ship), Goldfish crackers and milk". That lady is awesome. How cool of a mom is she? I want to know what Star Wars ship. I'm guessing the Millennium Falcon. Her son probably doesn't like crusts, so she cuts them off in a cutesy way. I like her. She's fun, she's reasonable and she's right. $2.25 a day for a school lunch? You can definitely bring a lunch from home for considerably less.

And while not all schools in the Chicago area have implemented this policy that you and I pay for (funny, I don't feel like I live in Chicago), others have come up with their own equally ridiculous policies. Take the Claremont Academy Elementary School on the South Side. Over there you can bring a lunch to school, but the school "officials" will "...confiscate any snacks loaded with sugar or salt. (They often are returned after school.)" Right. That makes perfect sense. Because the kid won't eat it after school. Noooo. If you're not eating it at school, it takes all of the fun out of it! But do you know why they do it? If you ask Principal Rebecca Stinson she'll tell you that "...most parents expect that the school will look out for their children."

If that last quote doesn't horrify you to your bones, then I can't help you here. Sure, I expect schools to "look out" for children when the children are there. But when I think of being "looked out" for, I think of the school keeping the children safe...and not safe from a Cheeto! Next thing you know, they're going to want to tell the kids what to wear, what doctor to go to, etc. And what, exactly, happens on the weekends when the school isn't around to guide these completely soft-headed parents in raising their children? What are they going to do? How will they know what to choose? Where is the school when we need it?! Holy crap. I think I made myself sick typing these last few lines. Goodbye, sweet America. With policies like the ones described here, we are not only doomed, we are screwed. We are so scroomed.

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Not Intended To Be Factual

Here's a new one. Man, I always hate it when I say that. Only because it means that something more ridiculous than previously thought has occurred. It's almost never really good. And I'd guess that probably only about half of the time it's amusing. And this instance follows those guidelines. Not really good and kind of amusing. But only amusing in the way that is so ridiculous that you don't know what else to think.

Let's take a look at some of the profound statements of a one Senator Jon Kyl (R-eally? Arizona.) Senator Kyl is the Senate Minority Whip. I don't know what that is and I don't think that I care. If I had to make an assumption, I'd probably guess it has something to do with Miracle Whip, but I don't know what. Regardless, Senator Kyl had the floor on Friday during the whole budget showdown/will the government shut down debacle of 2011. He said that abortion was “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” And for the record, really only about three percent of Planned Parenthood's work has to do with abortion. There's a big difference between almost all and almost none. But that's OK. It wasn't supposed to be factual. Wait. What?

Correct. It wasn't meant to be factual. What was it meant to be? According to the thinking folks over at Think Progress, "...CNN anchor TJ Holmes relayed a statement from Kyl’s office walking back the comment". How do you walk something like that back? It's so far out of the gate, isn't it going to be impossible to walk back? Not if you're a moron, apparently, Kyl's office explained that "his remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions." But....but...he said....what...whatis going on here?!

His remark was not intended to be a factual statement? Why in the hell not?! Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing when you're making an argument for your side? Give your basis in facts?! No? When did that change? Oh, that's right. IT DIDN'T. You can't just say something that is totally false and then pull a Pee Wee Herman on everyone and say, "I meant to do that!" That's not how this works!

I certainly hope that this doesn't become some sort of trend. I hope that all of these clueless politicians don't just start blowing alleged facts out of their arse and then blow over it when they're confronted on their falsehoods by saying that it wasn't supposed to be the truth and that it was supposed to illustrate a point. Oh, believe me. Senator Kyl made a point all right. He made the point that he's clearly not fit for the office that he holds. He made the point that he'll say whatever he needs to in order to sway people whichever way he wants to. He made the point that he isn't about the truth, he's just about what he wants. I can't get behind that. We're just doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

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