That's Why She Quit?

You remember Octomom, don't you?  How could you forget? She's the human breeding sow with her brood of fourteen children and no job.  Well, no steady job.  Last month, she took a job doing masturbatory porn in order to make a few bucks.  I'm sure her children are SO proud.  Or at least, they will be when they're older and everyone they know from school (I doubt they'll have friends) makes sure to bring it up constantly.  The point here is that she seemed so pleased with her own act that she was going to start stripping and had already booked a gig at T's Lounge in Palm Beach (Florida, of course).  But wait!  She had to cancel.  Ohhhh.  I don't know if that's supposed to evoke a feeling of disappointment (as I enjoy watching this train wreck) or relief (as it would have been Octomom without her top).  But when I read the reason why she canceled, I just laughed. 

 According to the fine folks over there at TMZ, Octomom has canceled stripping because "...she thinks club staffers are talking smack about her."  Wait.  Had she been previously unaware that not only were the club staffers talking smack about her, but every person in America has been as well?!  I can't think of the last time that I saw or read anything even remotely positive about this abhorrent woman.  How could she be even remotely offended that people don't like her or anything that she does?  And how poor is she really if she can just pick and choose these sorts of jobs to take?  Last I heard, she had no money.  That's not surprising since she doesn't have a job and no way of supporting herself.  But is she really going to turn down jobs because people don't have nice things to say about her?!  If she's going to turn down a job like stripping, can't she come up with a better reason than people not liking her (because she's an abhorrent human being)?  Apparently not.

The only good that would have come from her taking her top off is at least we would know if she has only two nipples like a person or rows of four on each side like a pig. Other than that, it just seems like a bad idea all the way around.  Granted, it's not quite as bad of an idea as having a zillion embryos implanted in your uterus when you already had six kids, no job and no spouse, but still not a good idea.  Not even close. 

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But She's Rehabilitated

I don't know. Call me crazy, but I kind of think that if you're convicted of a crime such as, oh, say...the "...slaying of a young hooker who was beheaded during a satanic ritual", I'm going to want you to spend as much time in prison as possible. Really. I'm talking a lot of time in jail. I certainly don't want you working for the State Auditor of Massachusetts. According to the Boston Herald, State Auditor Suzanne Bump hired a one Robin Murphy to work in a state office. And that hiring came after "Murphy pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in 1982 for the macabre killing of 20-year-old Karen Marsden of Westport in 1980." And as previously mentioned, part of the "macabre" involved the de-nogginizing of the victim. The de-nogginization, if you will.

Ms. Murphy was sentenced to life with the possibility of parole. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if you participate in any sort of ritual where someone loses their head in the process, I'm not all that comfortable with you ever having freedom again. Again, call me crazy, but that just doesn't seem like it makes a lot of sense to me. (Don't even get me started on the fairly obvious safety concerns that would also accompany an issue like this.)


Also, "Twice denied freedom in the 1990s, she was deemed “rehabilitated” and released by a 5-2 vote of the parole board in 2004." Really? Just like that? "Rehabilitated"? Well, she wasn't that rehabilitated because she's now back in prison for violating parole. Something about heroin. Shocking, I know. But after her return to prison, Ms. Bump made this statement: "I am sad to learn that Robin Murphy has been arrested for violating a condition of her parole...Three years ago, as labor secretary, I hired Robin to work at the Division of Unemployment Assistance, and she was a valuable employee. After I left, she was promoted.”

Wow. I don't know exactly what's going on here, but that Ms. Bump sure had a lot of faith in someone who had cut off someone else's head on purpose. What do you say in your interview to convince someone to hire you under those circumstances? "It is what it is"? "I was young"? "It was just a bad night. Haven't we all had one bad night?"

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Is He Supposed To Look Like That?

I watched President Barry's jobs speech yesterday. The whole thing would have been over in about ten minutes if Congress had just kept their collective asses in their seats instead of jumping up like a bunch of Jack-in-the-boxes after every other sentence. (And the jumping up is always accompanied with the oddly-obligatory applause as if President Barry had just won a washer/dryer on The Price Is Right.) And his whole speech sounded a lot like he was trying to say that he wants to enact another stimulus program. (The first rule of the stimulus program is apparently to not call it a stimulus program. I think because we just tried one of those rather recently and it didn't seem to do very much good. I can't imagine why another one would help.) But I was having a hard time paying attention because I kept getting distracted by something. Behold!

Is the Speaker of the House blacker than President Barry? I'm pretty sure that he is.

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Who's Crying For Me, Argentina?

So, the FAA has kind of been partially shut down for a couple of weeks now. I guess there's some sort of political to-do over unions or something. And while the FAA is still up and running, it's not entirely functional. See, they can't take in taxes (to the tune of about $30 million per day) and so the federal government is losing out on that money. Also, about "...4,000 FAA workers furloughed without pay and another 70,000 construction workers without work", according to the Huffington Post. And the other day, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood scolded Congress for leaving town before they had reauthorized the FAA's funding.

And he's acting like he's flipping out (I have no idea if he actually gives a fat rat's ass or not) because there are upwards of 74,000 people who could lose their jobs. Here's my question: Let's say that my cushy ass job (I'm not saying the FAA jobs are cushy ass. I have no idea. I'm saying that MY job is cushy ass.) was endangered at some point. (And knowing me, it's going to be. It's just a given. I mean, I'm good at what I do. It's just a matter of how long I can hold my tongue with some things. And that's when the fireworks start.) Is there anyone who is going to come to my defense and speak up for me and my job to be saved? I don't think there is!

Does this Ray LaHood guy not understand how many jobs have been lost in the private sector all over this country over the past, say....five years? Private sector jobs are NOT sacred. Why on earth, if a government department is going to shut down or need to be scaled back, that everyone acts like there is some great atrocity that is being committed and everything that can possibly be done to save those people's jobs should be done? How in the hell are we supposed to shrink our government (and our government spending) without some of those folks losing their jobs?! We can't!

I don't know when it started that if you managed to land yourself a government job that you were set for life. That mindset has GOT to change! Do I care if more people will be unemployed? Yes, of course I do. But do I think that having a government job means that it should last forever? I don't think that I do. Again, how are we going to shrink the government (and thus, what the government spends) if no government program OR worker is untouchable?! We're not! There you have it. Doomed, I tell you. And screwed. Screwed and doomed. We're scroomed.

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Noodle This One Through

You're going to love this guy as much as I do. And when I say "love" I mean "want to slowly strangle until I've seen every shade of blue known to man and hope that I discover a new one". You know. Love. This bloke is apparently in Wisconsin for the protests. He also apparently lives in Wisconsin and is currently (but perhaps not for much longer) employed at something called Noodles. It appears to be a restaurant which serves some sort of pasta. Noodles, if you will.

From the fine folks over at The Blaze we are treated to an interview of this particular Noodles employee. He gives his rationale as to why the economic model of America (the most successful country on the planet in the history of the planet) needs to change. He also spends a fair amount of time pointing out the obvious as if it is some sort of an atrocity. It's as absolutely frustrating as it is absolutely hilarious. I've taken the time to transcribe some of his thoughts below. See what you think.

"You either work for someone else or you work for yourself. And most people work for someone else in a way that they aren’t free. You don’t really get to decide your work. For example, I work at Noodles, a restaurant, and basically it’s a dictatorship there. We’re told exactly what we’re going to cook, how we’re going to cook it, what time we’re going to get there. And basically if they don’t like what we’re doing, they try and tell us what to do. If we don’t listen, they get rid of us. And so we’re not able to actually cooperate in a way that we make decisions together. I try to convince my fellow employees that we should have a union at Noodles so it’s a source of power to start with and then I think in terms of the bigger picture, we need to look at revolutions in a way that you actually get rid of any sort of dictatorship is by having workers take control of the place where they work."

If that seems like a lot to plod through all at once, allow me to help you. Basically, his employment at the Noodles is unbearable or unfair or something because it is essentially a dictatorship (and not a place of business, apparently). It earns the dictatorship label in his own mind because they tell you what to cook, when you have to show up and how long you have to work. And in ultimate dictatorial fashion, if you don't like the rules then you are fired. Clearly, there is no freedom at the Noodles and thus, it is bad. I realize that all of this sounds very similar to a job, but he seems to have it mistaken for a dictatorship. This man needs a helmet. Stat!

Basically, he's saying that he'd like to come and go whenever he likes and cook whatever he feels like at a pace that he deems to be appropriate. Sure. That seems like it would work. Of course. Never mind that he is applying dictatorship to the workplace and that's a completely incorrect application of the theory. His method would be fine because everyone would be doing what they wanted without having anyone tell them what to do. At work.

But wait! There's more. The person shooting this video then asked our little socialist/communist, "Would your plan, your vision for Noodles, would it include the owner?" His response? Pretty much the sort of nonsense that you'd be expecting right about now, having just read his previous load of crap. He said, "If the owner wanted to cooperate with us as an equal and provide his skills that he had, we would definitely cooperate with him. He'd have to abdicate his position as being an owner and controller of us and he would have to recognize that we run Noodles together. And basically, if he doesn't want to cooperate with us, he's against us." Holy crap.

So let me see if I've got this straight. In this jackwagon's world, he would be an equal to the guy who had the initial vision, gathered up the start up money, and built this business (which apparently has 240 locations in 18 different states and employs around 3,000 workers, hopefully not all of which share the same mentality as this dude). That guy, the entrepreneur, is supposed to be an equal with this cook who comes off as having the IQ of a turnip and who may or may not show up for work, depending on how he feels. That sounds like a fabulous business model, son! I can't believe that someone else hasn't made their fortune in that exact same way! Good Lord...

The video of this socialist/communist who doesn't understand economic theory as it applies to the individual workplace very well is below. (And if it loads all funny, you can just click here and watch it on YouTube. The good stuff starts right at the 3:38 mark. Feel free to start there, lest your head explode trying to listen to all of it.) Try listening to him with your eyes closed. When you open them, you'll notice that he looks precisely like he sounds. What is it about that sort of voice and the seeming inability to grow any sort of meaningful facial hair that always seems to be present in these sort of softheads? Is it because they're already like that and that makes them this way? Or do they take on these ridiculous beliefs and then adopt those sort of traits? I don't know which one it is either, but it annoys the crap out of me. Whatever he's protesting against in Wisconsin, I am wholeheartedly in favor of. Sign me up. Just keep him away from me.

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She Needs To Have A Job First

People could learn a lot from the little girl in the video that I'm about to link to because Blogger is being just totally awesome and not letting me post videos right now. She appears to be around 4 or 5 years old and has some definite ideas about the decisions that she is going to be making in her life later on. Her main point is that she will not and is not going to get married until she has a job. And she is adamant about it, too! She doesn't even care if her needing to have a job first makes the man go away. She says, "Fine. I'll just find a different man! This is my life." I'm telling you, I know people that need to listen and learn from this kid. She could give seminars to a select segment of society. Granted, they are that select segment of society mainly because they don't appear to listen to anyone, nor do they learn from their own mistakes. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she could give them all a very good talking to. Click here to check the girl out. Encourage people you know who could benefit from such wisdom to take a gander at it. It can't hurt.

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Steven Slater - My Hero

If you haven't heard the name Steven Slater by now, you will. And you will be glad that you did. This guy takes awesome to a completely different level. If you're going to give an impromptu resignation from your job, take some tips from Steven on how to go out in style.

See, Steven was a flight attendant working for JetBlue. The flight he was working had just landed at JFK when some idiot passenger does what at least one person does on every single flight that I've taken. They get up the second that plane hits the ground. Where do you people think that you're going? You're trapped inside of a metal tube. You're not going anywhere for at LEAST another five minutes and you're not getting OUT of the plane for at LEAST another eight minutes. Sit your ass down and wait until the freaking plane has at least stopped, you morons.

Seriously, you people jump for that overhead compartment as if it was on some sort of 'first come, first serve' basis, what are you thinking? It's not like there is going to be a better selection of luggage for you if you get the first. It doesn't work like that. It's not a sale. Generally speaking, you're supposed to exit the aircraft with the exact same bags that you brought onto the aircraft. What's your hurry?

According to the NY Post, Slater had an "...argument with a passenger, who sources said told Slater "to f--- off" after being told by Slater not to remove baggage from the overhead compartment." Granted, this flight originated in Pittsburgh and landed in New York, so I'm not overly surprised that this sort of individual was on the flight, but still. Do you really need to tell anyone that you don't know to f**k off? Especially when you're the one in the wrong? I don't think you do.

After that "The passenger insisted on opening the overhead compartment, hitting Slater in the head with the door as it dropped down." See?! This is why we don't do that. You moron. That was apparently the tipping point for our hero, Steven. As passengers were herding themselves (likely as always in the most ineffective fashion ever) toward the exit, our boy Steven got on the intercom and bellowed, "I've had it! To the f----ing ass---- that told me to f--- off, it’s been a good 28 years!" And it only gets better.

He then pulled the lever that activates the plane's inflatable evacuation chute. Nice touch. He then threw his bags down the slide, but before he slid down after them, there was one more thing he needed to make sure he took with him. That's right. He grabbed a beer off of the beverage cart and then slid down the slide to freedom. How awesome is that?

The tale doesn't quite end there. Steven grabbed his bags and kept a firm grip on his beer as he ran across the tarmac and caught the AirTrain to the employee parking lot where he got in his car and drove home. Just picture this in your head. Let's say your on the flight and you've just heard an airline employee cuss someone out on the intercom. Your interest would be piqued. Imagine how great it would be when you turned around to see what was going on and saw our hero, beer in hand, go sliding down that inflatable chute and then run across the tarmac! That might be the best thing I had ever seen in my life! It's one of the best things I've ever read about, I'll tell you that much.

Sadly, Steven's tale doesn't end there. No, according to the NY Post again, Steven had "...raced home to Belle Harbor, where he hopped into bed with his boyfriend." It is there and presumably in that position (or at least in some sort of position) that the cops arrested him and charged him with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment. Not a bad end to a pretty good day if you're asking me. You quit your job in style, get laid, get arrested and become an instant folk hero in the process. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

I hope that the tool who wouldn't sit down and who just had to get her bags out of the overhead compartment and told Steven to "f**k off" will face some sort of charge as well. Isn't that interfering with a flight crew or something like that? There has to be something. But even if there isn't, I think Steven is going to be OK. And I'm pretty sure that in the end he'll be a lot better off with this sort of a tale to follow him around. Who wouldn't want to be able to say that's how they quit their job? No one.

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Non-Jobs Nonsense

In the midst of our new era of "change" in the US, unemployment rates are going up all across the country. Not exactly the kind of "change" that most people had in mind, but it's change none the less. Tomato, tom-ah-to, what are you gonna do? (See, that's why I like details. I like to know what I'm getting and I like to be clear about what I'm asking for. If you just ask for "change" you're opening yourself up to good "change" and to crappy "change". Guess which one we're working our way through right now?) But if we start doing things like they've done over there in Britain, I figure that we could have this whole unemployment thing resolved within weeks at the most! What could possibly go wrong if we started hiring people for jobs such as roller disco coaches, ceremonial sword bearers and the much in demand trampoline coaches. Wait. Those are jobs?

Correct. Not only are they jobs, they're jobs that folks get paid for! The Mail Online reports about an audit of local government positions which was done by the Sunday Times. The information about the various jobs was "obtained under freedom of information legislation" and the Sunday Times claims that it reveals several instances of jobs which "appear to be of questionable value." I like that phrasing. It's journalism's way of using a more polite way to say, "WTF is this?!"

I can believe that there are some positions which exist throughout any governmental system that are of questionable need, let alone value. But I think that I've always thought of it not so much as the job itself being of questionable value, rather than the person attempting to perform the job who is of definitive non-value. (I know that they didn't hire those 37 people at the DMV to just stand around and watch two other people do all of the work, yet that's always the scenario at every DMV across the country. It's like they're all practicing for when they get promoted to "Watching Paint Dry Supervisor" positions or something.) That is not the case in Britain. In Britain, it is most definitely the job.

Some of the local government positions that caught the attentive eyes of those at the Sunday Times were the likes of:

• Trampoline coaches ("Jump!" There. I qualify.)



• Skate park attendants ("Roll!" Qualified again! Man, I am good!)


• Flower arrangers (For the government?)


• A “befriending co-ordinator” (What? Like Facebook friending?)



• A £15-an-hour yoga instructor. ("Sit! Hum!" Yep, qualified.)
  

In Newcastle upon Tyne (for those of you in the US, I couldn't tell you if that's a city-state thing or some sort of a, um, provincial-region thing....orrr....I dunno what it means. But they're bad there! That's all I know! Very, very bad!) they have employed a "breastfeeding peer support co-ordinator” whose purpose in life is to "give mothers advice on how to feed." Huh. You'd think they'd want to offer that sort of advice to the individual who is doing the eating. I know it doesn't sound all that complicated, but they're babies. They're new. They don't know. But if you're just the feedbag, how hard is that to sit there with a breast all lopping out and looking delicious (to the baby! Looking delicious to the baby! Geez.). Doesn't sound hard enough that there needs to be a job to help that sort of thing along.

Also employed (and at the rate of £23,470 per year) is a “composting supervisor” whose job it is "...to run a facility that turns garden waste into compost." Um, doesn't garden waste turn itself into compost?

But that doesn't even come close to comparing to the "part-time sword bearer and mace bearer." Their jobs are "...to clear the way for David Wood, the mayor, on ceremonial occasions." Wow. Your own personal mace bearer. I have got to get me one of those! How cool would that be? Pretty cool! (By the way, the mayor also gets not one, not two, not three, but four, "four chauffeur-butlers, collectively paid more than £60,000 a year." A butler would be pretty cool too. I'd definitely name mine Jeeves. Absolutely. What? They already have names when they come to slave work for you?! I did not get that memo. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling my new butler, Stan Jeeves.

"Tewkesbury council in Gloucestershire (See my explanation for Newcastle upon Tyne for what that means.) deemed it necessary to appoint a “falls prevention fitness adviser”, primarily to help elderly people." Fitness adviser? To help elderly people to not fall down? Here's a tip: Knock off the fitness! They're elderly! It says so right there! Unless they're Jack LaLane, no fitness! They're frail and weak.

Angus in Scotland has an undefined "bouncy castle attendant” for the low, low yearly salary of £13,000. (Those blow-up things for children's parties or drunken adult barbecues?) Falkirk has a part-time “toothbrush assistant” whose job entails "teaching nursery children how to clean their teeth." (OK, wait. That one might be legit. I think I had two of those when I was growing up. One of them I called 'Mom' and the other one I called 'Dad'. They worked for free. Thank God.) There is also a “cheerleading development officer”.

If I lived in Glasgow, it wouldn't be for long. Especially after I found out about the taxpayer funded “street mediator” "to deal with children hanging around on street corners" at the cost of £17,000-a-year. Even if I stuck around with that, I'd definitely be packing my bags or looking for ways to be deported after learning of the career opportunities available for one as a “chewing gum removal labourer."

You'll find that those of Windsor & Maidenhead in Berkshire "cannot do without the services of a “roller disco coach” every Saturday night." "Tendring council in north Essex has recruited a part-time worker to compare tea dances at a leisure centre." (Really? So, like 'Dancing With the Stars'? Only without 'Stars'? Do they have to shout like that Bruno guy? That'd be fun to watch. I could see the entertainment value in that one. Other than that, I couldn't find a shred of usefulness if I tried.) And in Redditch council in Worcestershire you will find that they have "...put a Punch and Judy performer on the payroll as part of a programme of summer activities." (Punch and Judy, according to Wikipedia, which I'll grant can be written to say anything that anyone bloody wants it to say, describes Punch as "The stereotypical view of Punch casts him as a deformed, child-murdering, wife-beating psychopath who commits appalling acts of violence and cruelty upon all those around him and escapes with impunity; this is greatly enjoyed by small children.")

While I was rather appalled at this sort of thing seeming to be widespread across Britain, I'm not from there and I don't live there. However, I would have hoped that there would be some sort of comparable outrage to that which I would definitely have if I did live there. As it is now, I'm not so much filled with rage as much as I am fear that these non-jobs will start appearing more frequently in the US as a result of "change". But when I read the article on the Times Online, I was surprised at the comments. First of all, there were only 10 comments. And of the measly 10, 7 of them were in favor of the 'non-jobs' and staunchly defended them. The other three comments were not necessarily against this sort of thing, though. (One person simply wrote "I know a chap who was a toilet inspector." I had no idea whether or not to classify that as 'for' or 'against' asinine jobs that waste taxpayer money.) Click on over to a story about Susan Boyle and find 48 comments.

::: sigh :::

A spokesman for the Local Government Association justified these positions by stating: 'From lollipop ladies to street cleaners and librarians, town halls employ people that provide more than 800 vital services that many local residents rely on to get through the day." Yeah, how we'd all make it through the day without our "lollipop ladies" is beyond me. Seriously, does anyone really wonder about the fiscal mess that all levels of government seem to be struggling with? Is anyone at all perplexed as to how things came to be as they are? It seems pretty obvious, yet it continues. Odd. Well, good luck with this one, Britain. You're going to need it.

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Lawsuit Legitimacy 101

Today's "I'm A Moron And I'm Going To Waste Everyone's Time By Filing A Ridiculous And Erroneous Lawsuit Just To See If I Can Get A Few Bucks Out Of Someone Because I Am A Sneaky Weasel" segment comes to us from West Valley City, Utah. For those of you unfamiliar with the little sections of Utah, allow me. West Valley isn't quite ghetto, but it's aspiring to be. That should paint a pretty picture for you.

According to the folks at the mediocre Salt Lake Tribune, a one Richard Cleaveland, an employee of Frito-Lay for approximately 10 years, filed a lawsuit against the tasty chip maker because he claims that he "faced discrimination after he complained about hauling Christmas trees, saying it made him uncomfortable because of his Jewish faith." Naturally, he is seeking a minimum of $100,000 in damages.

I'll get to other details in a second. But for right now, here's a question: Frito-Lay is in the Christmas Tree business? Since when? I don't recall seeing any crispy snack goodness tree lots during the holiday seasons come past. Is this new?

OK, back to the insanity. Are you freaking kidding me, dude? Apparently, he is not. Cleaveland, in addition to shoving that "a" into his name where it just doesn't look right, claims that he "...voiced his discomfort in December 2004 and was denied his religious accommodation request." Now, I'd be interested to know exactly HOW it is or was that hauling the trees, ie, driving a truck full of trees, being a truck tree driver, how THAT made him uncomfortable because he is Jewish? Good thing I asked because his lawyer, a one weaselly P. Corper James (Corper?) answered that question by saying "How hauling pine trees might be an affront to faith is less important than the retaliation that followed." Translation: He didn't give a fat rat's ass about hauling the trees, but the both of us might be able to make a quick buck off of this one.

According to the article, "The complaint alleges that since making his request, Cleaveland has been subjected to insults and jokes and "forced to observe other Christmas traditions." It says he's been slapped with worse shifts, faced disciplinary notice he'd never received before, denied jobs he'd gotten in the past and has faced difficulty in securing wages. All of this has amounted to "a hostile work environment," one that's reportedly harmed Cleaveland both emotionally and financially."

Well, of course he was subjected to "insults and jokes". That's what your co-workers DO when you make some pansy ass complaint with religion as it's weak, weak basis and expect to be taken seriously. Especially if you're not a particularly religious chap.

The weaselly attorney who is clearly perpetuating the filing of ridiculous lawsuits, tried to use Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to explain to people (who have already figured out that the lawsuit is a racket, and not in a good way) why this is supposed to be important. He said that "An employee can make a religious accommodation request, and that employee is protected from any retaliatory conduct as a result of the request." Fair enough. But I'm still a little unclear on the part about how the $100,000 minimum is going to help "protect" him. Oh, that's right. It's not.

Now, even if I were to briefly consider his point of view (and I use the term "briefly" loosely, as it's really going to amount to a few seconds at best), I'd have to say that his argument is weak at best. Unless the "retaliatory conduct" is coming directly from the person to whom he made the request, then he's got nothing. But co-workers who find out that this guy's feelings got all hurt because he can't get out of tree hauling duty for the chip makers (I'm still perplexed as to the connection between Frito-Law and the Christmas tree commodity is) and then they start giving him a hard time, (perhaps by swiping his yarmulke every Friday) that's called normal or, at the very least, expected.

And when this shyster-y lawyer says that "HOW the pine tree hauling affected him isn't as important as the retaliation that followed", he's completely wrong on that one. The HOW is absolutely the most important part. If it's clear (which it seems to be to me) that moving around a bunch of trees had NO affect on this guy, then I see nothing out of the ordinary if his co-workers give him a hard time about it. In fact, I'd worry about the co-workers if they didn't give someone a hard time about trying to pull a stunt like this. Please.

I'd also like to know what he means by being "forced to observe other Christmas traditions". Like what? Like how? Oh, let me guess! They gave you the day off on Christmas?! WITH pay?! Those bastards!

Things like this greatly annoy me. It's a frivolous lawsuit at best and I, for one, will be shocked, just shocked if he wins. I can't imagine that he would. If people want to file lawsuits that are based on a technicality in a theory, they really need to look into finding a new hobby or something because they have way too much free time on their hands. And if they really want people to at least TRY to take them seriously (or at least, more seriously) they should really try not asking for any money in their suit. THAT'S when we'll know if they really feel like they're being screwed over. (You might notice that doesn't happen a whole heck of a lot. And what does that tell you?)

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Job Perks That Aren't So Perky

What comes to mind when you think of "office perks" or "job perks"? Company vehicle? Expense account? Free food? Can you say "Google?" While you and I might think those things, we might be the only ones. Either that or working conditions across America are starting to resemble those that one might find in the war zone of a third world country, if you're going by the results of a survey by Blumberg Capital Partners.

Blumberg Capital Partners is a US investment firm. They specialize in commercial real estate. Thus, they felt that they were perfectly qualified to conduct a survey on workplace conditions and the perks thereof across the country. They surveyed a paltry 500 people and found that one in three of those employees have either left a job OR accepted a job based solely on the condition of the building or on the perks/amenities of the job. Really?

According to Philip Blumberg, the chairman and CEO of (surprise) Blumberg Capital, yes. He said, "Office conditions, indeed, directly impact employee retention, recruitment and productivity." I'm not really sure that his revelation is "news" to anyone. I'm also not sure if it's entirely accurate when you learn more about what he's referring to as "office conditions".

Among the 500 office workers that were surveyed (for this completely unscientific study with a very low sample number), the biggest complaint that they had was extreme temperatures in the office. That was followed closely (no word on how close "closely" is) by unclean restrooms, outdated furniture, persistent odors, leaky ceilings, crime, rodent problems and insect problems. Wait. What?

Where in the hell are these people working?! Persistent odors?! Leaky ceilings?! Crime?! Rodents?! Bugs?! Human waste?! Cats and dogs! Living together! Mass hysteria! WTF?!

And what is with the outdated furniture complaint? You're going to quit your job because you have a spinning chair from the 80s?! (Don't get me wrong, the unclean restrooms one grosses me out. That IS reason to quit. Soon.) I'm thinking outdated equipment would be more of a complaint than outdated furniture. I don't care if I have to sit in an avocado green room with orange chairs, but I draw the line at having to use a 486 computer that runs Windows 3.1!

Oh, but it gets better. What do the employees that were surveyed want at their jobs for perks? They want a subsidized cafeteria or restaurant. (We can all thank Google for that one.) That's followed by covered parking, a conference center, a food delivery service, a fitness center and an on-site day care. Again, I ask you, WTF?!

I'd like to know what they mean by "food delivery service"? I thought everyone had that and it's called Domino's. And covered parking? Are you kidding me?! THAT is what you people WANT at work?! A roof over your precious vehicle?! Anyone who lists "covered parking" as their number one job perk needs to seriously rethink their priorities.

The survey also provided a write-in sections where those surveyed could write in what their "demands" would be for a better workplace. And, once again, their "demands" for a "better workplace" will shock you (or make you laugh. One of those.). Here are some of their "demands":

• Hot water in bathrooms. (OK, this is totally reasonable, which is why it's at the top.)

• Mace for protection. (Protection from WHAT? Do they work in Darfur?)
  
  
• Area to lay down for a quick nap during lunch. (It's called "your car". You'll find it out there in that uncovered parking lot.)
  
  
• Men’s room instead of unisex bathroom. (This, too, seems reasonable.)

• I wish the building had windows. (Are these people working out of a storage shed?)
  
  
• Take better care of the grounds, fix the kitchen, and make it not seem like a nursing home. (I'm really curious about the "nursing home" part of that. Are these people asking for more knitting and crocheting? Do they want their medication dispensed to them by an RN? More wheelchairs and walkers? What does that mean?)


• Security measures such as metal detectors and security guards. Bullet-proof glass would be an asset. (Good Lord, "bullet proof glass would be an asset"?! Clearly, this is an industry that really pisses people off a lot! And I'm dying to know what it is. But they seem to worry about people with metal items coming to harm them to the point they want metal detectors and security guards for protection.)

• Fix the roof so it doesn’t leak. (Again, from those telecommuting out of a hut in the Sudan?)
  
  
• Free parking. (What business makes their employees PAY to park? Who are those morons?)
  
  
• Better vending machine selection. (This does not exist. They all suck.)

Blumberg and Buddies did this survey to figure out what impact an office building's conditions has on the attitudes of workers. They found that one fifth of the employees felt that their productivity and motiviation was decreased by the condition of their building. (That assessment coming from those who need a "nap room" during lunch and list "covered parking" as their most desired perk. Take it for what you want. I'm just saying.) No word on if they're going to start beefing up security, covering the parking spaces or adding a shuffleboard court in the cafeteria.

So, what have we learned? Not much, really. What I got out of all of this is that I never want to work for any of the companies that the surveyed people are working for. Oh, and I don't think I want to work for Blumberg either.

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