- Trampoline coaches ("Jump!" There. I qualify.)
- Skate park attendants ("Roll!" Qualified again! Man, I am good!)
- Flower arrangers (For the government?)
- A “befriending co-ordinator” (What? Like Facebook friending?)
- A £15-an-hour yoga instructor. ("Sit! Hum!" Yep, qualified.)
Also employed (and at the rate of £23,470 per year) is a “composting supervisor” whose job it is "...to run a facility that turns garden waste into compost." Um, doesn't garden waste turn itself into compost?
But that doesn't even come close to comparing to the "part-time sword bearer and mace bearer." Their jobs are "...to clear the way for David Wood, the mayor, on ceremonial occasions." Wow. Your own personal mace bearer. I have got to get me one of those! How cool would that be? Pretty cool! (By the way, the mayor also gets not one, not two, not three, but four, "four chauffeur-butlers, collectively paid more than £60,000 a year." A butler would be pretty cool too. I'd definitely name mine Jeeves. Absolutely. What? They already have names when they come to
slave work for you?! I did not get that memo. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling my new butler, Stan Jeeves.
"Tewkesbury council in Gloucestershire (See my explanation for Newcastle upon Tyne for what that means.) deemed it necessary to appoint a “falls prevention fitness adviser”, primarily to help elderly people." Fitness adviser? To help elderly people to not fall down? Here's a tip: Knock off the fitness! They're elderly! It says so right there! Unless they're Jack LaLane, no fitness! They're frail and weak.
You'll find that those of Windsor & Maidenhead in Berkshire "cannot do without the services of a “roller disco coach” every Saturday night." "Tendring council in north Essex has recruited a part-time worker to compare tea dances at a leisure centre." (Really? So, like 'Dancing With the Stars'? Only without 'Stars'? Do they have to shout like that Bruno guy? That'd be fun to watch. I could see the entertainment value in that one. Other than that, I couldn't find a shred of usefulness if I tried.) And in Redditch council in Worcestershire you will find that they have "...put a Punch and Judy performer on the payroll as part of a programme of summer activities." (Punch and Judy, according to Wikipedia, which I'll grant can be written to say anything that anyone bloody wants it to say, describes Punch as "The stereotypical view of Punch casts him as a deformed, child-murdering, wife-beating psychopath who commits appalling acts of violence and cruelty upon all those around him and escapes with impunity; this is greatly enjoyed by small children.")
While I was rather appalled at this sort of thing seeming to be widespread across Britain, I'm not from there and I don't live there. However, I would have hoped that there would be some sort of comparable outrage to that which I would definitely have if I did live there. As it is now, I'm not so much filled with rage as much as I am fear that these non-jobs will start appearing more frequently in the US as a result of "change". But when I read the article on the Times Online, I was surprised at the comments. First of all, there were only 10 comments. And of the measly 10, 7 of them were in favor of the 'non-jobs' and staunchly defended them. The other three comments were not necessarily against this sort of thing, though. (One person simply wrote "I know a chap who was a toilet inspector." I had no idea whether or not to classify that as 'for' or 'against' asinine jobs that waste taxpayer money.) Click on over to a story about Susan Boyle and find 48 comments.
::: sigh :::