Friday, April 3, 2009

Another Moron Calls 911


Who knew that 2009 was going to be the year of 911? I have heard of more instances of people using 911 for the stupidest reasons this year than I remember hearing about in previous years. I don't know exactly what it means. Have people always been this dumb, but they're just now starting to act on their stupidity? Or have most of the real morons just evolved over time into the super-morons that they are today? Well, if the first 3 months of this year are any indication, I can pretty much guess that it means we're going to be hearing more moronic 911 tales of woe and doom in the future.

But why wait?! I know it will be hard to believe, but once again, the cess pool of all that is genetic mutation goodness, Flori-duh, is the setting for the latest unnecessary 911 incident. According to The Orlando Sentinel, a woman called 911 from the parking lot of a Walgreen's because she was having a problem with her car. The problem was her car wouldn't start. Actually, that wasn't the entire problem. The real problem was that she was calling 911 from (wait for it) inside of the car. Wait. What?

That is correct. The woman was inside of the car and called 911. She told the 911 operator that she couldn't unlock the doors and she couldn't roll the windows down because nothing electrical worked. She also added that it was "getting very hot in here and I'm not...I'm not feeling well." Oh, for cryin' out loud! Why do I feel like I'm getting yanked around here? Is this even possible? Not the situation, but the thought process that one would have to go through to come to the conclusion that one is locked inside their own car because it won't start. Has this person never unlocked or locked the door manually? Well, she was calling 911 (due to the increasing warmth of her predicament. Good thing it wasn't winter or overcast that day. She could have been in there until the 4th of July.) so I'm going to have to assume that manual labor, in this case, unlocking or locking your car doors by hand, has not been a part of her existence. Somehow.

And kudos to the 911 operator for being able to spit out a coherent sentence after hearing this woman explain her dilemma. Total silence for about 5-7 seconds. You know that operator was just sitting there thinking, "Are you kidding me?" And really, I don't blame her for the silence. I mean, you'd really have to put some serious thought into what to say to the person sitting in their car and calling 911 because the automatic door locks won't work and they can't get out.

The 911 operator asks the moron if she can pull up on the door lock knob. "You should be able to pull that up even if it's electrical," she said, with a tone of disbelief and amazement in her voice. And then comes the frazzled voice of the locked in moron, telling her, "I've tried that! And I..."

:::: click-click ::::

"Oh, OK. Ok, I've got that going." Dead silence. Enter the 911 operator again. "Are you able to get out of the car now?" (God bless that woman. Ma'am, you have the patience of a saint.) "Yeah, I've got the door open." See, I was afraid that wasn't going to be the case. I was afraid that the whole 'opening of the door' process was really going to throw this chick off of her game, but by some miracle (and you know as well as I do that at this point, her actually opening the door without difficulty or further instruction was, in fact, a miracle if there ever was one), she got it open. She's FREE! Good Lord.......

It was at the point of the door handle release that I think I detected a moment of silent revelation on the part of the bimbo in the car. It's unclear exactly how long she was sitting in her car trying to figure out what she was going to do, if she could eat her own body parts for sustenance until help arrived, scribbling her will on the back of a Big Mac wrapper, etc. I'm guessing she was in there for a while, as she did say it was starting to get rather toasty. So let's just say that she was in there for an hour (a low estimate in my opinion, given the circumstances). When she finally opened that door after the detailed and step-by-step instructions from the 911 saint, that very moment is when it actually hit her: She's an idiot. And she knew it.

Insert another long, extremely awkward pause before the woman says, "Well, OK, I guess I'll go find Triple A or something." Now, why in the hell she didn't call Triple A in the first place if she thought she was locked in her car is beyond me. If you're locked out of your car, you call Triple A. Why would the same not apply if you were locked inside of your car? Well, perhaps because IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO GET LOCKED INSIDE YOUR CAR! Sorry, didn't mean to holler. Blatant stupidity in others seems to make me a bit shout-y.

You can listen to this gem of a 911 call here at: The Orlando Sentinel. It's fairly short (as you can imagine) and is totally worth hearing. It will likely make you laugh and then make you cry as you realize that someone thinking they are locked inside of their car is one of the signs of the impending apocalypse. The only thing that would have made this story worse is if she had been in a convertible.

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1 comment:

grannyann said...

Your lady and my lady need to get an apartment together! They can lock themselves IN the car and call for a cute policeman to come get them out.