Thursday, April 16, 2009

Look out, Flori-duh, here's Louisiana

(I swear...sometimes, this thing could just write itself....)

In a story that has Louisiana giving Florida some pretty stiff competition for the state with the least intelligent residents/lawbreakers, not to mention the home of some of the stupidest crimes/criminals ever to walk the face of the planet, we have two men, an argument, and a whole lot of alcohol. Oh, and we also have a can of pork and beans....otherwise known as "the source of discontent". Wait. What was that? Pork and beans?!

Correct. Pork and beans. Beans with pork. (Why do they call it that? It's not "pork and beans". It's "beans and a little piece of fat floating on the top when you open the can." It's hardly deserving of the moniker "pork". Pork is the other white meat and you'd be hard pressed to call that little piece of fat "meat", let alone "pork". Pork and beans is a scam, that's all I'm sayin'.) That's what started a fight between two brothers in Gilliam (presumedly, that's in Louisiana). We have a one 54-year old Willie Casst and we have his brother, a one 63-year old Agusta Wells. (Agusta? Really?)

According to KTBS-3, "Two brothers who had been drinking all day got into an argument when they got ready to fix supper." OK, I can see that. You don't like the way that the other one is doing something and you tell them how to do it and they get all pissy. That I get. "...and one stabbed the other over a can of pork and beans." OK, I can't see that. That I do not get. The one got all stabby with the other because of pork and beans? Amazing.

Of course, the words that always seem to apply in situations such as this one are definitely confirmed, as the police stated that "Alcohol had been involved." Shocking, I know. Who would have thought that a 54-year old and a 63-year old fighting with at least one knife over a can of pork and beans were drunk? I am shocked, just SHOCKED. Or maybe I'm not.

The deputies said that "They were getting ready to eat when they started arguing about the beans." Now here is where the reporting falls noticeably short. They did not report on exactly what the argument was about! That is important and relevant, not only to the story, but also in the numerous jokes that could be made about the subject matter of the argument! The more facts and the more details that one can gather with stories like this one, the funnier it's going to be (and usually without trying very hard, either!).

It was Agusta who was the first to let the pork and beans bring him to blows when he "swung at his brother but missed." It's not really much of a shocker that the drunken 63-year old missed, is it? No, not so much. So then, as the argument became more heated (when really, it was the pork and beans that should have been heated) that's when ol' Willie " a kitchen knife and stabbed Wells in the left arm and shoulder blade." Of course he did.

A sheriff's department spokeswoman, a one Cindy Chadwick reported that "The one who got stabbed said it was over pork and beans. That all he would say. The other one said, 'Take me to jail." Well, that request can be accommodated. Jail it is! Done!

So Willie ends up being booked for aggravated assault and Agusta (Really? Agusta?) ends up being treated at a hospital for his wounds which were the result of a disagreement over one of the best camping meal staples ever, the beans and the pork. And speaking of Willie, Behold!

Yeah, that seems about right, don't you think?

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grannyann said...

They got to fighting over that single piece of fat floating on the beans.

Mare said...

That's IT!! =)