Friday, April 17, 2009

Bringing Back Below the Belt


Semi-noticeably absent from the blog recently has been the inclusion of the penis. I don't know if it's just a lack of good penis stories or just my own negligence by failing to recognize penile feats of late. Whatever it is, the blog has been penis-less. And, in a sentence I never thought I'd say, I kinda miss the penis. In the blog. Just so I'm clear. But I shall want the penis no longer (now that's a phrase I have uttered before!) as painful penile stories are on the rise! (Pun oh-so intended, you have no idea.) I bring to you, the penis. I hope you can handle it. (How many penis puns will there be? Side bets welcomed!)

Our first geni-tale-ia hails from Fort Greene section of Brooklyn where a one Damiene Iriarte took a bite out of crime. Literally. Mr. Iriarte, according MSNBC.com, who claim that they got their info from the New York Daily News, was "...found naked and bleeding behind a building ." Huh. Odd.

Now, the naked part, that's pretty easily explained. He was naked because he didn't have any clothes on. Why he didn't have any clothes on is a stumper (pun later), but not quite as much of a head scratcher (another pun later!) as the reason why he was bleeding. Well, the reason why he was bleeding was obvious. What was less obvious was why the naked man bit off the tip of his own penis. Waitwaitwait! WTH?!
Correct. He's an agile, crazy man, I'll give him that. The whole thing makes me just cringe and I don't even have one. And now, neither does he. Clearly, he was hospitalized after the police found him. (No word on exactly how they became aware of his condition, but rumor has it they got a little tip.) As for any of the logistics for this sort of thing go, a police officer told the Daily News "How he did it? Limber, I guess. Not the work of a sane mind." NO! Not very sane at all!

If you have some sort of physical gift, such as the agility of this man, why on earth would you not put it to use for good rather than evil? For pleasure rather than pain? Because in this situation, being in that bind is a terrible thing to taste. The (somewhat less of a ) man is "recovering at Brooklyn Hospital Center, representatives of which have not returned calls seeking comment." Can you blame them? Would you take calls from the media, the press, the bloggers?? Hell, no, you wouldn't. Not for this!

But now we head over the Jamaica where, according to The Sun, where "a bizarre sex craze" called "daggering" is resulting in an increase of incidents of what they call "fractured todgers." Doesn't sound so bad until I tell you that a "todger" is a penis. Oh. God.

This "daggering" thing....it's....well...it's a couple of things. It's either really fast, really rough sex, or it's simulated really fast, really rough sex. On a dance floor. Set to music. Fully clothed. Huh.


Now, when I say 'simulated', I don't mean a little bump, a little grind, a little innuendo. No, by 'simulated', I mean if the folks participating in it did not have clothes on, you'd be watching violent porn. No kidding. Why that would be appealing to people is somewhat beyond me. Sex I get. Fake sex? Not so much.

So, people are fracturing their, um, unit due to simulated sex? Not even real sex? Let me just tell you, if I'm going to be engaging in a behavior that could possibly result in any sort of injury to my nether regions, that behavior had damn well better be the real thing! I mean, if you're having the best sex of your life and at an untimely moment you fall from the chandelier, at least while you're on the mend, you can not be happy that you're hurt, but still think that it was totally worth it. I'm not thinking that fake sex is totally worth injuring yourself down there! Granted, I, personally, am schlong-less, but I still don't think that fully clothed, non-sex would be something that would make the risk of groinal injury not as important.

Now, it's not always clear as to whether the penile fractures were a result of the dance floor daggering or whether they were a result of the actual actual daggering. But the way that a doctor at Kingston Public Hospital in Jamaica explains it, "During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling" we're inclined to believe that it did not occur on the dance floor. Holy crap.

"A loud popping sound?" Oh. My. God. I just doubled over and cringed and I don't even have one. There should be NO popping during any sort of fornication; simulated or otherwise! And by the way, if guys are doing this to the point where they're fracturing their unit, that can't be any sort of picnic for the girl involved! It's a wonder they aren't seeing an increase in hip and pelvic fractures amongst women.

None of it seems worth it to me. It's like the blog The Mongoose Chronicles says: "If it breaks your penis, it might not be a good idea." Well said. It's an even worse idea when you take into consideration "the injuries...can result in permanent damage." SO not worth it. (Also not sure what exactly a "Mongoose Chronicle" is, but it's definitely interesting.)

(I'm sure there are those guys out there who are reading this and thinking, "Well, I'm married, so I have no chance of this ever happening to me!" Yeah, yeah, you're a riot. Unoriginal, but a riot none the less.)

On the average, the broken weenies (which is a pretty good name for a band) are showing up at the hospital at the rate of two per month. And that's just the people that can get over the embarrassment and actually go to the hospital. But for those who do not want to get their schlong all straightened out again, heed this: There will be "...excruciating pain and significant swelling, causing the penis to appear deformed." And "...in some cases, blood might be seen coming from the organ." OK, that's enough! Nothin' to see here! Move along! Let's go! I'm done! Holy crap.

If you're feeling the need to see a video of the dance floor version of daggering, you're not going to see it here. Just Google the term and you'll have a whole slew of videos to choose from. Or you can just click this link to The Mongoose Chronicles and watch a few of them over there. I'll let the Mongooses (Mongii?) handle all of the daggering over there. They seem like they can handle it. But if you're hoping for video of a penis in the act of being broken or post-breakage, no dice. Thankfully, there aren't any of those here or there.

So, what have we learned? Hard to say. (Oh, what?! Like I can't continue with the puns along the penis-genre lines all the way to the end of this post?!) I think that I've learned that the penis is such a delicate instrument, that regardless as to whether you always carry one with you (like American Express), any sort of description of any sort of injury to it can breed an unbridled horror within anyone. And I think I also learned that I didn't miss the penis as much as I thought I did. (A sentence that I'm pretty sure I've said before. At least once.)

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3 comments:

grannyann said...

Your dissertations on geni-tale-ia's was quite enlightening for a Friday morning!!

Trinidad. Adventist. Gay?! said...

Well, again, to me this was bound to happen. If homosexuality is punishable by death (by a mob) then the extreme opposite must be life right?!

Also, Wikipedia seems to suggest that fractured penises might be caused most often by the 'woman-on=top" position.

Mare said...

I'm not sure what you mean by the opposite extreme of homosexuality being punishable by death would be straightness and thus must be life. I certainly don't believe that's the case, nor do I believe that homosexuality should be punished by death by mob. I don't particularly care for mobs, nor would I particularly care for my demise that way.

Wikipedia suggests a lot of things. That happens when anyone can edit something. And perhaps a fractured unit is most often caused by an overly aggressive, top, female partner during regular fornicating activities, but in the instance of daggering, it's the all of the daggering that is fracturing the penile unit.

I took a quick gander at your blog and found it to have interesting subject matter. Not a lot of people are willing to consider that there are a lot of different reasons for how people choose to express or to not express themselves and that even though they've made a choice, they might not always be thrilled about it, but they have their reasons. Nice job.

Thanks for reading!

~ M