Bringing Back Below the Belt

Semi-noticeably absent from the blog recently has been the inclusion of the penis. I don't know if it's just a lack of good penis stories or just my own negligence by failing to recognize penile feats of late. Whatever it is, the blog has been penis-less. And, in a sentence I never thought I'd say, I kinda miss the penis. In the blog. Just so I'm clear. But I shall want the penis no longer (now that's a phrase I have uttered before!) as painful penile stories are on the rise! (Pun oh-so intended, you have no idea.) I bring to you, the penis. I hope you can handle it. (How many penis puns will there be? Side bets welcomed!)

Our first geni-tale-ia hails from Fort Greene section of Brooklyn where a one Damiene Iriarte took a bite out of crime. Literally. Mr. Iriarte, according MSNBC.com, who claim that they got their info from the New York Daily News, was "...found naked and bleeding behind a building ." Huh. Odd.

Now, the naked part, that's pretty easily explained. He was naked because he didn't have any clothes on. Why he didn't have any clothes on is a stumper (pun later), but not quite as much of a head scratcher (another pun later!) as the reason why he was bleeding. Well, the reason why he was bleeding was obvious. What was less obvious was why the naked man bit off the tip of his own penis. Waitwaitwait! WTH?!

Correct. He's an agile, crazy man, I'll give him that. The whole thing makes me just cringe and I don't even have one. And now, neither does he. Clearly, he was hospitalized after the police found him. (No word on exactly how they became aware of his condition, but rumor has it they got a little tip.) As for any of the logistics for this sort of thing go, a police officer told the Daily News "How he did it? Limber, I guess. Not the work of a sane mind." NO! Not very sane at all!

If you have some sort of physical gift, such as the agility of this man, why on earth would you not put it to use for good rather than evil? For pleasure rather than pain? Because in this situation, being in that bind is a terrible thing to taste. The (somewhat less of a ) man is "recovering at Brooklyn Hospital Center, representatives of which have not returned calls seeking comment." Can you blame them? Would you take calls from the media, the press, the bloggers?? Hell, no, you wouldn't. Not for this!

But now we head over the Jamaica where, according to The Sun, where "a bizarre sex craze" called "daggering" is resulting in an increase of incidents of what they call "fractured todgers." Doesn't sound so bad until I tell you that a "todger" is a penis. Oh. God.

This "daggering" thing....it's....well...it's a couple of things. It's either really fast, really rough sex, or it's simulated really fast, really rough sex. On a dance floor. Set to music. Fully clothed. Huh.

Now, when I say 'simulated', I don't mean a little bump, a little grind, a little innuendo. No, by 'simulated', I mean if the folks participating in it did not have clothes on, you'd be watching violent porn. No kidding. Why that would be appealing to people is somewhat beyond me. Sex I get. Fake sex? Not so much.

So, people are fracturing their, um, unit due to simulated sex? Not even real sex? Let me just tell you, if I'm going to be engaging in a behavior that could possibly result in any sort of injury to my nether regions, that behavior had damn well better be the real thing! I mean, if you're having the best sex of your life and at an untimely moment you fall from the chandelier, at least while you're on the mend, you can not be happy that you're hurt, but still think that it was totally worth it. I'm not thinking that fake sex is totally worth injuring yourself down there! Granted, I, personally, am schlong-less, but I still don't think that fully clothed, non-sex would be something that would make the risk of groinal injury not as important.

Now, it's not always clear as to whether the penile fractures were a result of the dance floor daggering or whether they were a result of the actual actual daggering. But the way that a doctor at Kingston Public Hospital in Jamaica explains it, "During very rigorous intercourse the man can hit the woman’s pubic bone and sustain a fracture. There is a loud popping sound, excruciating pain and swelling" we're inclined to believe that it did not occur on the dance floor. Holy crap.

"A loud popping sound?" Oh. My. God. I just doubled over and cringed and I don't even have one. There should be NO popping during any sort of fornication; simulated or otherwise! And by the way, if guys are doing this to the point where they're fracturing their unit, that can't be any sort of picnic for the girl involved! It's a wonder they aren't seeing an increase in hip and pelvic fractures amongst women.

None of it seems worth it to me. It's like the blog The Mongoose Chronicles says: "If it breaks your penis, it might not be a good idea." Well said. It's an even worse idea when you take into consideration "the injuries...can result in permanent damage." SO not worth it. (Also not sure what exactly a "Mongoose Chronicle" is, but it's definitely interesting.)

(I'm sure there are those guys out there who are reading this and thinking, "Well, I'm married, so I have no chance of this ever happening to me!" Yeah, yeah, you're a riot. Unoriginal, but a riot none the less.)

On the average, the broken weenies (which is a pretty good name for a band) are showing up at the hospital at the rate of two per month. And that's just the people that can get over the embarrassment and actually go to the hospital. But for those who do not want to get their schlong all straightened out again, heed this: There will be "...excruciating pain and significant swelling, causing the penis to appear deformed." And "...in some cases, blood might be seen coming from the organ." OK, that's enough! Nothin' to see here! Move along! Let's go! I'm done! Holy crap.

If you're feeling the need to see a video of the dance floor version of daggering, you're not going to see it here. Just Google the term and you'll have a whole slew of videos to choose from. Or you can just click this link to The Mongoose Chronicles and watch a few of them over there. I'll let the Mongooses (Mongii?) handle all of the daggering over there. They seem like they can handle it. But if you're hoping for video of a penis in the act of being broken or post-breakage, no dice. Thankfully, there aren't any of those here or there.

So, what have we learned? Hard to say. (Oh, what?! Like I can't continue with the puns along the penis-genre lines all the way to the end of this post?!) I think that I've learned that the penis is such a delicate instrument, that regardless as to whether you always carry one with you (like American Express), any sort of description of any sort of injury to it can breed an unbridled horror within anyone. And I think I also learned that I didn't miss the penis as much as I thought I did. (A sentence that I'm pretty sure I've said before. At least once.)

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How NOT to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

No one likes a messy breakup. Some don't like a breakup at all. The ones who don't like it at all fall into one of two categories. The first is those who have had to break up with the other person because they ended up finding out that they were a despicable creature. Finding out things like they're cheating on you, they gave you gonorrhea, forged your checks and other similar actions are just cause to break up, even if they thought the relationship was just fine that morning. But once the burning when urinating sensation kicks in and you pretty much realize that the relationship, the one that was fine a few minutes ago, is now over, well, it really makes you want to strangle the person. For ruining your day, for ruining your relationship and for giving your gonorrhea.

But then there's the second category where you're the person being broken up with. For whatever reason (usually none of the above, but sometimes!) the other person just doesn't want to be with you. And if you still want to be with them, that's going to be a little tricky, as they don't want to be with you. Hence, all of the breaking up and stuff. Some folks try to get the other person back, to get them to change their mind. That's fine, but only if you go about it in a way that would make the other person WANT to be with you. Trying to get the other person back that only reminds them of why they broke up with you is not helpful to your cause. Things like handcuffing yourself to your estranged beloved and then biting him as he's on the phone with the 911 dispatcher will not cause him to be penning nuptials anytime soon.

A one Helen Sun, a 37-year old woman with questionable mental stability, was arrested on Monday in Connecticut after behaving in a similar fashion. Sun claims that she just "wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving", according to a story in the AP. I guess the phone wasn't an option. So she did the next best thing by changing the locks on their bedroom door and then handcuffing herself to him while he slept. Well, SHE thought it was the next best thing. I'm not so sure that HE did.


He managed to get to his cell phone to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that "he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down." When the dispatchers asked why his wife was attacking him, rather than shouting the most obvious, "Because she's crazy! Send help!" he instead replied it was because he divorced her and (this will come as a shock) that "she has a history of violence." Really?! Did not see that coming.

According to the story in the AP, "Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him. "Ohttp://www!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. 'Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!" " Now, I do not know why his screams of agony start off with a URL. Maybe he's some sort of a programmer, I don't know, the story didn't elaborate. But I found it odd, as I really don't know what that part of a URL sounds like.

The cops finally arrived and broke in through the front door, as she had locked it and he was unable to get up and let them in. You know, because he was handcuffed to this lunatic and she was biting him. All so that she could talk without him leaving. I don't know how she was going to get a word out with her mouth all full of forearm like that. Perhaps she didn't think this plan through enough. You think?

She was charged with 3rd degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint. She's still being held in jail from what I could tell and I'm sure that's just fine with Mr. Drawbaugh, especially since he told the cops that Ms. Sun "...is obsessive and a danger to him and his friends and family....and that she hired private investigators to follow him." I'm thinking she would have been wise to stay with the PIs instead of getting all bite-y with him. According to a one Chris Liddy from the Fairfield Police Department, "I can't say I've ever seen a scenario quite like this." No, I can't imagine that you had.

But I haven't even told you the most amazing part of this little tale. Seriously, it is the part of the story that will just blow your mind. You might have thought it was crazy up to this point, but it's about to become just a little bit less sane than it already is. Here we go: "...the couple had been married about eight years." Are you effing kidding me?! EIGHT years?! He put up with this maniac for EIGHT YEARS?! Eight MINUTES would have been longer than I would have lasted, but eight YEARS?! How is that possible?! Had he not met her before that day? I find that fascinating! And of course, the AP has no details on that phenomenon. Shocking, I know. Modern media. All inclusive in their reporting. Or was that supposed to be 'all or nothing in their reporting'? One of those. Thanks, AP.

The article concludes with the statement: "The status of their divorce is unclear." The status of their divorce may be unclear, but I have a pretty good guess as to what the status of their marriage is at this point. Not good. It seems to be not good at all.

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Cat Got Your Tongue?

The average length of an adult human tongue (yes, tongue) is about four inches. Mark Coghill's tongue is approximately two and two thirds inches long. It wasn't always that short. No, I'd imagine it was about the size of an average adult human tongue before his girlfriend bit off one third of it while they were celebrating Mr. Coghill's 45th birthday. Wait. (Didn't see that one comin', did ya?) What?

Correct. Apparently, over there in the UK, Newcastle to be more precise, a one Tracy Davies (aka, the lunatic) aged forty, bit off one third of Mr. Coghill's tongue whilst they were engaged in a drunken birthday kiss in October of 2008. See, he was comforting her because she was upset because she had not gotten pregnant yet. (Of course, this was right after they had returned from buying a couple of bottles of vodka for the evening, but before they ventured out to a local pub together. Seems to me that if she wanted to be pregnant so badly, she might want to ease up a bit on the alcohol, but that's an entirely different issue...in a way.) Now usually, I think of 'not pregnant' as a joyous occasion and cause for celebration, but for Ms. Davies, that was apparently not the case.

No, she was upset and, being a good and dutiful boyfriend, Mr. Coghill moved closer to her to comfort her. It was then that she asked him to kiss her. (There must have been a reason why he didn't just kiss her to begin with and had to be asked, but I'm guessing that she isn't the most likable of women. Or humans.) Mr. Coghill complied and within seconds, you guessed it, CHOMP!

Well, the guy jumped back in what had to have been blinding pain and that is apparently when the tongue (according to BBC News) "had come clean off in her mouth." (You can finish reading this when you're done gagging. It's OK. It'll still be here.)

According to one Julian Smith, the prosecutor on the case against Ms. Davies, "She had the piece of tongue in her mouth, he saw her take it from her mouth, and it fell to the floor." Said "piece of tongue" that was spit on said "floor" was approximately one third of his entire tongue. Thus, out of the four inch average, approximately an inch and a third was severed. For a vague idea as to how much of your tongue that actually is, approximately one inch is equal to the width of your first two fingers. So if you made the 'Live long and prosper' sign, it's the width of your index finger and your F-U finger together like that. Then add on about the width of your little finger. That's how much of his tongue she bit off. And had in her mouth. And spit out onto the floor! Good Lord.....

Now, the fact that they're in court tells you that she was charged with a crime, that being "one count of causing grievous bodily harm with intent. " And the fact that they're in court also tells you that she's denying the charge. Um, ma'am? Must you waste everyone's time with this? Seriously. He had his tongue, he kissed you, you bit off his tongue, you spit out his tongue. Yep, that has all of the components that one would think would be necessary to reasonably conclude (without the help of a jury trial) that bodily harm that was in fact grievous was intentionally caused. And really, if you spit someone's tongue out of your mouth, I don't care what you were trying to do, I care about what you did and in this case, you bit the man's tongue off, for cryin' out loud! What is wrong with you?

When Mr Coghill testified he said that "...he could no longer work, struggled to speak, and had lost many of his taste buds." Yes, I'd say you lost "many" taste buds! A third of your tongue = a third of your taste buds! It's just how it works! He also said "I can't use my tongue for eating. Those are things you take for granted." Not any more, sir. No longer will I take my four inch tongue and all of it's taste buds for granted. I can almost guarantee that.

"I will never enjoy a curry again." OK, now that sucks. Not being able to taste your favorite foods has just got to be extremely disappointing and frustrating. I'd have more sympathy if it wasn't curry that he missed. "I can't distinguish between certain foods, like the difference between cheese and toast, and just toast." Hold on a minute! You can't taste cheese?! That's outrageous!! What's the penalty for this in the UK?? Twenty years? Twenty five? At hard labor, no doubt! After all, the man can't taste cheese!! My God, the cheese!

The trial is in recess until Monday and I guess that's when whatever absurd defense this crazy woman is spouting off (legitimately and truthfully under a duly sworn oath, of course) will pick up then. I don't know how the trial system works over there, but if it's anything like the US, I hope that when it's the prosecution's turn to cross examine this crazy woman, I hope they just ask her, "Why?" Seriously, why would you do that? You think chomping off his tongue is going to get you pregnant? Did you think that's where your path to maternity and motherhood was led astray and went horribly awry? That you weren't biting down hard enough on his tongue to become impregnated? Was that it? I just don't get it.

Well, at least it wasn't in Florida. That's a bright spot in an otherwise very bleak and very tongue-less tale.

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Bite Me

From my favorite English news about the Swedish, The Local, we learn that a 23 year old woman managed to escape from a rapist by biting that of his which does all the raping. Correct. Lorena Bobbitt with teeth.

Over the weekend, the woman was sitting outside of her apartment and somehow became involved in a conversation with the man. At some point, she left. (It's unclear on where she went, being as how she was outside of her apartment, I'd think they would have said if she just went inside. But they didn't so I'm not sure. This sort of shoddy reporting is highly unusual from The Local, in English or in Swedish. They're usually quite on top of their game. That's why I love them.) He, however, did not leave and waited for her outside. Shortly afterwards is when all of the attacking began.

As attacks like these seem to go, the approximately 30-year old man tried to force the woman to, um, go all Lewinski on him. (Yes, yes, oral sex. I'm trying to be witty. It's tough with a topic like that, lemme tell you. And this would be a family blog if it weren't for all the penis talk. I'm just trying to keep what small shred of dignity I have left in tact, all right?) She had other ideas. None of them involved sex with the attacker. And the idea that she finally settled on was to just bite the bejeezus out of it and get the hell out of there. And good for her.

Now, she apparently inflicted quite the mandibular compression upon the attacker's unit. And good for her. (I don't know that this is the recommended method of defending yourself or trying to get yourself out of that situation, though. That's sort of my own, "Don't try this at home, kids!" warning there. Because really, if you're biting...that I'd imagine it's really going to make it's own quite mad. And that could lead to even more bodily harm for you, the woman, inflicted by him, the bite-ee. So if you're in this situation and this method pops into your head as something to try, I think that you'd better make sure you bite that thing hard enough so that when you're bolting out of there, you're looking like a Springer spaniel on the first day of hunting season retrieving the duck, if you know what I mean.)

But here's the part that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. According to The Local, we learn (in English) that, "Investigators believe that the man was injured severely enough that he will need to seek medical care, which could provide leads in the case." Huh?

Could? COULD?! It could provide leads?! MORE than ONE lead?! Really? How so?? How could that provide you with multiple "leads"? The "lead" that you NEED is right there and it's missing a penis!!

Why is it "could" and not "would", as in "which would indicate he was the perpetrator."? How many severed schlongs are they seeing on a daily basis over there in Sweden? Given that sentence, you'd almost have to assume multiple ones, especially if the best that they can get from it is that it "could" help them out. What would that conversation be like? "Yeah, I know it looks like someone ripped it right off with their teeth as if they were tearing meat from a spare rib at a family picnic, but it might NOT be the guy they're looking for. What about Spanky over there? Same thing. How do you know it's not HIM?"

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