Friday, March 6, 2009

Cat Got Your Tongue?

The average length of an adult human tongue (yes, tongue) is about four inches. Mark Coghill's tongue is approximately two and two thirds inches long. It wasn't always that short. No, I'd imagine it was about the size of an average adult human tongue before his girlfriend bit off one third of it while they were celebrating Mr. Coghill's 45th birthday. Wait. (Didn't see that one comin', did ya?) What?

Correct. Apparently, over there in the UK, Newcastle to be more precise, a one Tracy Davies (aka, the lunatic) aged forty, bit off one third of Mr. Coghill's tongue whilst they were engaged in a drunken birthday kiss in October of 2008. See, he was comforting her because she was upset because she had not gotten pregnant yet. (Of course, this was right after they had returned from buying a couple of bottles of vodka for the evening, but before they ventured out to a local pub together. Seems to me that if she wanted to be pregnant so badly, she might want to ease up a bit on the alcohol, but that's an entirely different a way.) Now usually, I think of 'not pregnant' as a joyous occasion and cause for celebration, but for Ms. Davies, that was apparently not the case.

No, she was upset and, being a good and dutiful boyfriend, Mr. Coghill moved closer to her to comfort her. It was then that she asked him to kiss her. (There must have been a reason why he didn't just kiss her to begin with and had to be asked, but I'm guessing that she isn't the most likable of women. Or humans.) Mr. Coghill complied and within seconds, you guessed it, CHOMP!

Well, the guy jumped back in what had to have been blinding pain and that is apparently when the tongue (according to BBC News) "had come clean off in her mouth." (You can finish reading this when you're done gagging. It's OK. It'll still be here.)

According to one Julian Smith, the prosecutor on the case against Ms. Davies, "She had the piece of tongue in her mouth, he saw her take it from her mouth, and it fell to the floor." Said "piece of tongue" that was spit on said "floor" was approximately one third of his entire tongue. Thus, out of the four inch average, approximately an inch and a third was severed. For a vague idea as to how much of your tongue that actually is, approximately one inch is equal to the width of your first two fingers. So if you made the 'Live long and prosper' sign, it's the width of your index finger and your F-U finger together like that. Then add on about the width of your little finger. That's how much of his tongue she bit off. And had in her mouth. And spit out onto the floor! Good Lord.....

Now, the fact that they're in court tells you that she was charged with a crime, that being "one count of causing grievous bodily harm with intent. " And the fact that they're in court also tells you that she's denying the charge. Um, ma'am? Must you waste everyone's time with this? Seriously. He had his tongue, he kissed you, you bit off his tongue, you spit out his tongue. Yep, that has all of the components that one would think would be necessary to reasonably conclude (without the help of a jury trial) that bodily harm that was in fact grievous was intentionally caused. And really, if you spit someone's tongue out of your mouth, I don't care what you were trying to do, I care about what you did and in this case, you bit the man's tongue off, for cryin' out loud! What is wrong with you?

When Mr Coghill testified he said that "...he could no longer work, struggled to speak, and had lost many of his taste buds." Yes, I'd say you lost "many" taste buds! A third of your tongue = a third of your taste buds! It's just how it works! He also said "I can't use my tongue for eating. Those are things you take for granted." Not any more, sir. No longer will I take my four inch tongue and all of it's taste buds for granted. I can almost guarantee that.

"I will never enjoy a curry again." OK, now that sucks. Not being able to taste your favorite foods has just got to be extremely disappointing and frustrating. I'd have more sympathy if it wasn't curry that he missed. "I can't distinguish between certain foods, like the difference between cheese and toast, and just toast." Hold on a minute! You can't taste cheese?! That's outrageous!! What's the penalty for this in the UK?? Twenty years? Twenty five? At hard labor, no doubt! After all, the man can't taste cheese!! My God, the cheese!

The trial is in recess until Monday and I guess that's when whatever absurd defense this crazy woman is spouting off (legitimately and truthfully under a duly sworn oath, of course) will pick up then. I don't know how the trial system works over there, but if it's anything like the US, I hope that when it's the prosecution's turn to cross examine this crazy woman, I hope they just ask her, "Why?" Seriously, why would you do that? You think chomping off his tongue is going to get you pregnant? Did you think that's where your path to maternity and motherhood was led astray and went horribly awry? That you weren't biting down hard enough on his tongue to become impregnated? Was that it? I just don't get it.

Well, at least it wasn't in Florida. That's a bright spot in an otherwise very bleak and very tongue-less tale.

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Freciah said...

Hi there! That was the man's side of the story, what about the woman's side of the story??

Mare said...

Hi, Freciah.

I don't know that she's going to have much of a "side" of a story to tell. The guy's tongue just didn't bite itself off. =)

Thanks for reading!

~ Mare