Times Are Tough

I have a cold or something. All I know is that I can't stop sneezing and that I'm exhausted. Therefore, my duties today will consist of just trying to make you angry. And it won't be hard and won't require a lot of effort on my part. That's because I'm going with a clip of a one Amanda Clayton. Amanda resides in Michigan. She played the lottery last fall and she won! How fortunate! Congratulations, Amanda! Oh, but wait. Your happiness for her (what little shred there was, if any) is about to flutter away when I tell you that she is still getting AND using food stamps. She won a million freaking dollars! Oh, but get this: She justifies her still using food stamps because (wait for it) she isn't working right now. Oh, no! Poor thing! Did I mention that she used some of her windfall to buy at least one house? Yeah, she has two houses (and she makes that point known), so you know...times are tough! More on this tomorrow, but for now, what say you get yourself good and agitated by watching this. If it doesn't load, please click here.

Sphere: Related Content

Welfare on the High Seas

If you don't live in the state of California, should you be concerned about what is going on over here? I'm thinking that you should. I say that because this state is going to go broke and it is the rest of the country that is going to end up bailing out this failed experiment at trying to create a utopia. And when you hear of some of the reasons that contribute to the state going broke and then you learn that nothing is being done about them, you're going to be angry that your taxes will (likely) go up to help straighten out this fuster cluck at some point in the future.

Let's take a look at a situation that makes me so angry that I want to take all of my money out of the banks and bury it in the backyard of my walled off compound so that no one else can piss it away like they are. According to an awesome story by the fine folks over there at the LA Times, you will be shocked, simply shocked, to learn that between January 2007 and May 2010, "More than $69 million in California welfare money...has been spent or withdrawn outside the state in recent years, including millions in Las Vegas, hundreds of thousands in Hawaii and thousands on cruise ships sailing from Miami." Um...wuck?

That's right. Folks on welfare spending their benefits in Vegas, Hawaii and on freaking cruise ships?! Are you dry shaving me?! What the WHAT?! OK. Calm down. Calm. Down. Breathe. Breathe deeper. OK. Now...let's look at what the benefits were spent on and maybe that will shed some light on this that won't make it seem quite so bad, shall we? Sure. Great idea. It can't be as outright fraudulent as it sounds...can it? CAN IT?! Why aren't you answering me?!

Because you know if you answer me, I'm going to have a stroke. Let's see...in Hawaii, we have folks spending MY money by dropping "...$12,433 spent at the upscale Ala Moana shopping center, $3,030 spent at a group of gift shops next to Jimmy Buffett's Beachcomber restaurant on Waikiki Beach and $2,146 withdrawn from ATMs on the island of Lanai, home to a pair of Four Seasons resorts and little else." Breathe, Mare. Breathe....

What else? Oh, Vegas! Vegas took in almost $12 million of taxpayer money in benefits. What was that spent on? Well, there was "...more than $1 million was spent or withdrawn at shops and casino hotels on, or within a few blocks of, the 4.5-mile strip. The list includes $8,968 at the Tropicana, $7,995 at the Venetian and its Grand Canal Shoppes, and $1,332 at Tix 4 Tonight, seller of discount admission for such acts as Cirque du Soleil." Breathe, dammit. Seriously, I don't know if I can take much more. What else is there? "The data also show $16,010 withdrawn from 14 cruise ships sailing from ports around the world — Long Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Beijing. Eight sail primarily from Miami." That's IT!! I've had it!

CRUISE SHIPS?! For those on WELFARE?! Now, now. Calm down. Let's listen to an alleged voice of reason on this whole matter. Let's turn to a legislative advocate for the Western Center on Law and Poverty, a one Jessica Bartholow, who tells us, "I think when somebody hears it's in a fancy hotel in Hawaii or Vegas, it's too easy to assume the [welfare recipient] is visiting that place and it wasn't somebody who stole their card." ::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

Are you freaking kidding me?! YES! Yes, that is EXACTLY what we think! We do NOT think that their card was stolen! That is correct! We KNOW that we, the taxpayers, are getting screwed! And now we KNOW that we, the taxpayers, are getting screwed with the help of Jessica Bartholow and her Center for Sending the Impoverished to Hawaii!! See, this is why you have to believe in God because otherwise, you wouldn't get the pleasure of believing that these folks will go to hell one day.

But what about others in California? Aren't there folks whose job it is to track down this sort of abuse? Of course there are, silly. But, as explained by a one John Haley who is the commander of the financial crimes division of the San Diego County DA's office, "...If it's a one-time thing in Miami, we would never check that out...We look for patterns of abuse." WHAT?! If you are in California and you are ON WELFARE, ANY time in Miami should be checked out! How the hell did you get there and why did you take MY money with you?! Is it because this sort of thing is rare? Uh, well....not exactly. See, Mr. Haley also told the LA Times that "...24% of all new welfare applications in his jurisdiction contain some form of fraud." One in four. But they're never going to catch you if you don't repeatedly go to Miami?! What in the hell kind of a system is THAT?!

Is it just in San Diego? It's not everywhere, is it? IS IT?! Well, um...see...it's like this..."A state audit last year found that none of California's 58 counties was adequately following up on information that could help root out fraud, including monthly computer matches that list clients who are receiving duplicate aid from other states, those who are ineligible because they're in prison and others who have died." Holy. S***.

Remember this when you hear that California has gone bankrupt and your Federal taxes are going to increase to help bail out this mess. And the next time you're going to work, remember that welfare recipients on the public dole are going to Hawaii and Vegas. And finally, remember that constructing a walled off compound is never a bad idea and it's never too late to start.

Sphere: Related Content

Cat Got Your Tongue?

The average length of an adult human tongue (yes, tongue) is about four inches. Mark Coghill's tongue is approximately two and two thirds inches long. It wasn't always that short. No, I'd imagine it was about the size of an average adult human tongue before his girlfriend bit off one third of it while they were celebrating Mr. Coghill's 45th birthday. Wait. (Didn't see that one comin', did ya?) What?

Correct. Apparently, over there in the UK, Newcastle to be more precise, a one Tracy Davies (aka, the lunatic) aged forty, bit off one third of Mr. Coghill's tongue whilst they were engaged in a drunken birthday kiss in October of 2008. See, he was comforting her because she was upset because she had not gotten pregnant yet. (Of course, this was right after they had returned from buying a couple of bottles of vodka for the evening, but before they ventured out to a local pub together. Seems to me that if she wanted to be pregnant so badly, she might want to ease up a bit on the alcohol, but that's an entirely different issue...in a way.) Now usually, I think of 'not pregnant' as a joyous occasion and cause for celebration, but for Ms. Davies, that was apparently not the case.

No, she was upset and, being a good and dutiful boyfriend, Mr. Coghill moved closer to her to comfort her. It was then that she asked him to kiss her. (There must have been a reason why he didn't just kiss her to begin with and had to be asked, but I'm guessing that she isn't the most likable of women. Or humans.) Mr. Coghill complied and within seconds, you guessed it, CHOMP!

Well, the guy jumped back in what had to have been blinding pain and that is apparently when the tongue (according to BBC News) "had come clean off in her mouth." (You can finish reading this when you're done gagging. It's OK. It'll still be here.)

According to one Julian Smith, the prosecutor on the case against Ms. Davies, "She had the piece of tongue in her mouth, he saw her take it from her mouth, and it fell to the floor." Said "piece of tongue" that was spit on said "floor" was approximately one third of his entire tongue. Thus, out of the four inch average, approximately an inch and a third was severed. For a vague idea as to how much of your tongue that actually is, approximately one inch is equal to the width of your first two fingers. So if you made the 'Live long and prosper' sign, it's the width of your index finger and your F-U finger together like that. Then add on about the width of your little finger. That's how much of his tongue she bit off. And had in her mouth. And spit out onto the floor! Good Lord.....

Now, the fact that they're in court tells you that she was charged with a crime, that being "one count of causing grievous bodily harm with intent. " And the fact that they're in court also tells you that she's denying the charge. Um, ma'am? Must you waste everyone's time with this? Seriously. He had his tongue, he kissed you, you bit off his tongue, you spit out his tongue. Yep, that has all of the components that one would think would be necessary to reasonably conclude (without the help of a jury trial) that bodily harm that was in fact grievous was intentionally caused. And really, if you spit someone's tongue out of your mouth, I don't care what you were trying to do, I care about what you did and in this case, you bit the man's tongue off, for cryin' out loud! What is wrong with you?

When Mr Coghill testified he said that "...he could no longer work, struggled to speak, and had lost many of his taste buds." Yes, I'd say you lost "many" taste buds! A third of your tongue = a third of your taste buds! It's just how it works! He also said "I can't use my tongue for eating. Those are things you take for granted." Not any more, sir. No longer will I take my four inch tongue and all of it's taste buds for granted. I can almost guarantee that.

"I will never enjoy a curry again." OK, now that sucks. Not being able to taste your favorite foods has just got to be extremely disappointing and frustrating. I'd have more sympathy if it wasn't curry that he missed. "I can't distinguish between certain foods, like the difference between cheese and toast, and just toast." Hold on a minute! You can't taste cheese?! That's outrageous!! What's the penalty for this in the UK?? Twenty years? Twenty five? At hard labor, no doubt! After all, the man can't taste cheese!! My God, the cheese!

The trial is in recess until Monday and I guess that's when whatever absurd defense this crazy woman is spouting off (legitimately and truthfully under a duly sworn oath, of course) will pick up then. I don't know how the trial system works over there, but if it's anything like the US, I hope that when it's the prosecution's turn to cross examine this crazy woman, I hope they just ask her, "Why?" Seriously, why would you do that? You think chomping off his tongue is going to get you pregnant? Did you think that's where your path to maternity and motherhood was led astray and went horribly awry? That you weren't biting down hard enough on his tongue to become impregnated? Was that it? I just don't get it.

Well, at least it wasn't in Florida. That's a bright spot in an otherwise very bleak and very tongue-less tale.

Sphere: Related Content

She's a Wii Bit Nuts

I just have one thing, real quickly, about the OctoMom who is now, apparently (allegedly) receiving or has received death threats. (Insert shocking gasps here.)

Let's just remember that usually when the "Death Threat" card is played, it's usually because the individual on said receiving end has been so raked over the coals in the media that by the time the "Death Threat" card is played (and it sounds like great fun! Someone should really invent a game where there is a "Death Threat"card.), it's pretty much the only thing that will cause some people to rethink their position (which usually doesn't need to be re-thought to begin with). They'll start to think something along the lines of, "Oh, well, I thought she was an idiot and irresponsible and crazy and wants to look like Brangelina over there, but death threats?! Well, that's out of line. Maybe we've all gone too far and should just leave her alone for a while and let her collect her thoughts or something." Whatever.

I'm going to suggest holding off any judgment that might let OctoMom off the hook. There is very little that I have read that would indicate in any way at all that these "death threats" are either a) real or b) something to be concerned about. For starters, the number of death threats started off at a couple. It suddenly became 500. I would have almost believed her if she had left it at a few. That's because there are a few nutjobs out there that would actually take time out of their nutjob schedule to send a death threat. But 500? Even nutjobs are lazy. There aren't 500 out there willing to write. There just aren't.

But let's see how worried OctoMom really is about these "death threats", shall we? AND as a BONUS, let's see just how worried OctoMom is about her finances as well. (In case you missed it, OctoMom has 14 children and no job and no source of income. Yep, that's quite the pickle there.) Here we go....According to the NY Daily News, here's OctoMom on Friday, February 13, shopping for Wii video games. Behold!

OK, as a California taxpayer, I am unaware of the clause in my agreement to pay for her video games. Actually, my sales tax just got hiked up another 1 percent (which makes it a lovely 9.25 in this county now. Joy.) because the state is $40 billion in debt. Did I mention that she receives disability benefits from the government? She does. Lots. So she's really part of my problem right now. See, if she can afford video games (when she still has no job and also still has fourteen children) then I'd like her to stop taking money from the state so that I can someday go back to paying a normal amount of sales freaking tax!

Aside from her spending money which I can't even delve further into at this moment, lest I have a coronary, she doesn't seem to be all that concerned about Death-y McThreats-a-Lot if she's out in public. Clearly, the majority of people in this country would recognize her if they saw her and I'd think that the majority of that majority, while not threatening her with death, might have some rather harsh words if they bumped into her. If I saw her buying video games, she'd find herself suddenly in the middle of a rather rapid-fire interview/interrogation session given by me. "I take it you're buying video games because you've already paid the state back for all that you've received from them, correct?' Yeah, it wouldn't be pretty. But my point is that she doesn't seem worried about it. If I were her, I wouldn't be showing my face in public until my last kid was 18 and even then I'd think it over.

But she doesn't seem to be a real honest sort, from what I can tell. Everything seems to be rather inflammatory with her. Everything is either better than it really is or worse than it really is. Here's what she said to The Sun over there in the UK: "There were letters and emails saying we deserved to die. There were protesters in front of my house. There are mentally disturbed people in the world.” Yes. There ARE mentally disturbed people in the world. You're one of them! How do I know? Here are the "protesters" that were in front of your house. Behold!

That would be a one Ulysses Gutierrez. That's it. Just him. And a photographer, but the photographer had no sign. You know, he doesn't really seem mentally disturbed in that photo. His sign indicates that he is not happy about her situation. He, himself, does not look particularly angry. But given that he's standing out in front of her house with a sign, I'm guessing he is rather angry. I know the feeling, dude. Good for you!

So, please, don't stop judging just yet. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come out and be judged by everyone quite soon! And judging isn't always a bad thing, you know. See, it's the "not judging" that might have contributed to enabling her to end up with fourteen children who are all under the age of 8 by the time that she is 33. I definitely would have liked to have had a little judging in place then!

Sphere: Related Content

Gary Coleman Pics A Fight

There are 5 (sometimes 6) words that can explain the majority of incidents involving very odd behavior. The 5 words can vary slightly, but the overall point is still the same. "Alcohol may have been involved." Variations on this theme include "Authorities suspect alcohol was involved", "It's unclear if alcohol was involved", "Alcohol may be a factor", "Alcohol use has been suspected", and the list goes on. You might notice a theme. The theme of "innocent until proven guilty" which, in cases where those 5 words are uttered, is just another way of saying, "No one is that stupid. They had to be drunk!" Therefore, I'm guessing that in the majority (read: all) cases, no one ever has to report back and say, "We thought he was drunk, but it turns out, he wasn't drunk; he really IS a dumbass!" But what about when you're...oh, say...."not quite right" AND "alcohol may have been involved"? There's a name for that. That name....is Gary Coleman.

Coleman, as we are not allowed to forget, portrayed the diminutive Arnold Jackson on the 1978-86 TV series "Diff'rent Strokes". (Has anyone ever wondered where that "e" in the middle there went? What's the deal with the missing "e"?) Unfortunately (for all involved. Gary AND the public who have to read about his antics), Coleman is not exactly known these days for his comedic thespian performances of yore. No, these days he's known for his marriage to Amazon 22-year old Shannon Price. He's also known for showing up in Divorce Court with her less than a year later and explaining that they had not consummated their marriage (presumedly because Coleman could not find a ladder). Coleman was also on the ballot as a candidate for Governor of California during the 2003 recall election. In case you haven't heard, he lost. (Puh-lease. Like they're going to elect an actor to be governor of California!)

So what's Gary up to these days? Well, you know, the usual stuff. Living in Santaquin, Utah and going to the bowling alley with his ridiculously tall wife, where he's hounded by a very persistent individual wanting to take some pictures. Stuff like that. Oh, did I mention how "alcohol may have been involved" in the part where Coleman became a little bit agitated and punched the guy several times before getting in his pickup truck and running over the guys foot as the guy claims that he was trying to get back his cell phone that Coleman's wife swiped from him? Wait. Wha'choo talkin' 'bout? (Sorry. I couldn't resist. I know, I'm going straight to hell. I'll start packing.)

According to the kinda-Mormon folk over there at the Salt Lake Tribune "Coleman, 40, (yes, forty!) was backing out of a Payson bowling alley around midnight Friday when his truck hit another car and a pedestrian identified as Colt Rushton." (That's a pretty cool name. Colt Rushton. It makes him sound like a bad ass, but since this was in Payson, it probably means that he's just a jackass. ) Now this wasn't just a wayward pedestrian who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and just happened to run into Hurricane Tropical Storm Light Breeze Coleman. No, this Rushton guy was "a fan" who wanted to take some photos of Gary and his towering bride. For unknown reasons, Coleman refused. For more unknown reasons, the "fan" persisted. (Come on, dude! Get a life, it's freaking Gary Coleman, for cryin' out loud!) From there, the fracas moved from inside the bowling alley out into the parking lot. Hilarity did then ensue.

According to Payson Police Lt. Bill Wright, Rushton photographed Coleman anyway, despite his jumping up and down so that he could tell Rushton "NO" to his face. Words were exchanged in the parking lot (I'm guessing the "words exchanged" were the typical "What are you going to do about it?" or "Oh, yeah? Make me!" and "Oh, I'll make you, all right!" That's the thing about morons. They're moronic. Thus, there's not a whole lot of original dialogue being spouted during these altercations.) and then things started to get weird.

Coleman became so agitated that, according to Rushton, he threw several punches at him before he climbed into his pickup truck, grabbed the phone book to sit on and backed out and into another vehicle before running into Rushton with his truck. This after Rushton claims that Coleman's wife, Shannon, took his cell phone. (She probably didn't even have to get up to do so. Probably just reached one of those 8-foot arms out and just scooped it up from afar.) Rushton was taken to a local hospital and treated for minor injuries. (If the article hadn't mentioned that Coleman was in a truck, I just would have assumed that the "minor injuries" were caused by Coleman in his clown car.)

But no charges were filed and no citations were issued because both men were uncooperative with the investigation. According to Lt. Wright, "Authorities are continuing to investigate the incident ." Why, you ask? (Wait for it.)

"Wright said there are "indications" that alcohol may be a factor in the incident." I KNEW IT!

Um, yo! Arnold! Gary! Whoever you are. Listen, the guy just wanted a couple of pictures, is that so bad? I mean, I could see if you were Brad Pitt or someone like that. (Actually, I could not see that. Ever.) Someone who was wildly popular and always getting bothered by fans for photos or autographs or whatever else crazed and stalking fans ask celebrities for. But you're Gary Coleman. That Rushton guy could have been your only fan. And you show your appreciation by running him over with your truck? That's not nice.

It's not like you have a stellar reputation for being pleasant OR sane, Gary. Remember back in 1998 when that woman asked you for an autograph and you punched her in the face? Or back in February after you had married Tallness there and she told a reporter how you tend to get angry at inanimate objects (like printers and fax machines) and yell at them and then throw them across the room.

I mean, if you're upset because you think that everyone still thinks of you as little Arnold Jackson from the one TV show that you did, you're wrong. They don't think of you that way. They think of you as a crazy person who throws computer peripherals and runs people over in bowling alley parking lots. That's how you're perceived! As a lunatic! Isn't that great? You've finally broke free from the typecasting that's haunted you all of these years! Congratulations!

Seriously, this guy needs some therapy or a hot bath (but not without adult supervision. Hundreds of children drown in small amounts of water every year!) or something to calm his itty-bitty ass down. One of these days, he's going to climb up on a chair and really hurt someone. Either that or he's just going to be so drunk he falls off the chair and hurts himself. Neither of those scenarios is a) desirable, or b) out of the realm of possibilities.

But it's hard to say what I find more disturbing, the fact that I'm reading yet another story about Gary Coleman acting like a feral child or the fact that there are no less than three hundred different reports of this circulating across the globe at this very moment. I'm not kidding. 332 according to Google News, actually. The BBC News in the UK, The Herald in Ireland, NineMSN in Australia, The National Post in Canada, America's Hat, Goal.com in Switzerland, The Telegraph, Thaindian.com in Thailand, The Standard in China, and the list goes on! Holy crap. You'd have thought Coleman ran over Osama bin Laden with the amount of coverage it's getting around the world.

Hey, but would that not be the biggest news story ever? I can picture the news reports now...."And in other news, after a long night of bowling at a local bowling alley, Gary Coleman ran over and killed Osama bin Laden! Film at eleven. Back to you."

Sphere: Related Content