Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Gary Coleman Pics A Fight

There are 5 (sometimes 6) words that can explain the majority of incidents involving very odd behavior. The 5 words can vary slightly, but the overall point is still the same. "Alcohol may have been involved." Variations on this theme include "Authorities suspect alcohol was involved", "It's unclear if alcohol was involved", "Alcohol may be a factor", "Alcohol use has been suspected", and the list goes on. You might notice a theme. The theme of "innocent until proven guilty" which, in cases where those 5 words are uttered, is just another way of saying, "No one is that stupid. They had to be drunk!" Therefore, I'm guessing that in the majority (read: all) cases, no one ever has to report back and say, "We thought he was drunk, but it turns out, he wasn't drunk; he really IS a dumbass!" But what about when you're...oh, say...."not quite right" AND "alcohol may have been involved"? There's a name for that. That name....is Gary Coleman.

Coleman, as we are not allowed to forget, portrayed the diminutive Arnold Jackson on the 1978-86 TV series "Diff'rent Strokes". (Has anyone ever wondered where that "e" in the middle there went? What's the deal with the missing "e"?) Unfortunately (for all involved. Gary AND the public who have to read about his antics), Coleman is not exactly known these days for his comedic thespian performances of yore. No, these days he's known for his marriage to Amazon 22-year old Shannon Price. He's also known for showing up in Divorce Court with her less than a year later and explaining that they had not consummated their marriage (presumedly because Coleman could not find a ladder). Coleman was also on the ballot as a candidate for Governor of California during the 2003 recall election. In case you haven't heard, he lost. (Puh-lease. Like they're going to elect an actor to be governor of California!)

So what's Gary up to these days? Well, you know, the usual stuff. Living in Santaquin, Utah and going to the bowling alley with his ridiculously tall wife, where he's hounded by a very persistent individual wanting to take some pictures. Stuff like that. Oh, did I mention how "alcohol may have been involved" in the part where Coleman became a little bit agitated and punched the guy several times before getting in his pickup truck and running over the guys foot as the guy claims that he was trying to get back his cell phone that Coleman's wife swiped from him? Wait. Wha'choo talkin' 'bout? (Sorry. I couldn't resist. I know, I'm going straight to hell. I'll start packing.)

According to the kinda-Mormon folk over there at the Salt Lake Tribune "Coleman, 40, (yes, forty!) was backing out of a Payson bowling alley around midnight Friday when his truck hit another car and a pedestrian identified as Colt Rushton." (That's a pretty cool name. Colt Rushton. It makes him sound like a bad ass, but since this was in Payson, it probably means that he's just a jackass. ) Now this wasn't just a wayward pedestrian who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and just happened to run into Hurricane Tropical Storm Light Breeze Coleman. No, this Rushton guy was "a fan" who wanted to take some photos of Gary and his towering bride. For unknown reasons, Coleman refused. For more unknown reasons, the "fan" persisted. (Come on, dude! Get a life, it's freaking Gary Coleman, for cryin' out loud!) From there, the fracas moved from inside the bowling alley out into the parking lot. Hilarity did then ensue.

According to Payson Police Lt. Bill Wright, Rushton photographed Coleman anyway, despite his jumping up and down so that he could tell Rushton "NO" to his face. Words were exchanged in the parking lot (I'm guessing the "words exchanged" were the typical "What are you going to do about it?" or "Oh, yeah? Make me!" and "Oh, I'll make you, all right!" That's the thing about morons. They're moronic. Thus, there's not a whole lot of original dialogue being spouted during these altercations.) and then things started to get weird.

Coleman became so agitated that, according to Rushton, he threw several punches at him before he climbed into his pickup truck, grabbed the phone book to sit on and backed out and into another vehicle before running into Rushton with his truck. This after Rushton claims that Coleman's wife, Shannon, took his cell phone. (She probably didn't even have to get up to do so. Probably just reached one of those 8-foot arms out and just scooped it up from afar.) Rushton was taken to a local hospital and treated for minor injuries. (If the article hadn't mentioned that Coleman was in a truck, I just would have assumed that the "minor injuries" were caused by Coleman in his clown car.)

But no charges were filed and no citations were issued because both men were uncooperative with the investigation. According to Lt. Wright, "Authorities are continuing to investigate the incident ." Why, you ask? (Wait for it.)

"Wright said there are "indications" that alcohol may be a factor in the incident." I KNEW IT!

Um, yo! Arnold! Gary! Whoever you are. Listen, the guy just wanted a couple of pictures, is that so bad? I mean, I could see if you were Brad Pitt or someone like that. (Actually, I could not see that. Ever.) Someone who was wildly popular and always getting bothered by fans for photos or autographs or whatever else crazed and stalking fans ask celebrities for. But you're Gary Coleman. That Rushton guy could have been your only fan. And you show your appreciation by running him over with your truck? That's not nice.

It's not like you have a stellar reputation for being pleasant OR sane, Gary. Remember back in 1998 when that woman asked you for an autograph and you punched her in the face? Or back in February after you had married Tallness there and she told a reporter how you tend to get angry at inanimate objects (like printers and fax machines) and yell at them and then throw them across the room.

I mean, if you're upset because you think that everyone still thinks of you as little Arnold Jackson from the one TV show that you did, you're wrong. They don't think of you that way. They think of you as a crazy person who throws computer peripherals and runs people over in bowling alley parking lots. That's how you're perceived! As a lunatic! Isn't that great? You've finally broke free from the typecasting that's haunted you all of these years! Congratulations!

Seriously, this guy needs some therapy or a hot bath (but not without adult supervision. Hundreds of children drown in small amounts of water every year!) or something to calm his itty-bitty ass down. One of these days, he's going to climb up on a chair and really hurt someone. Either that or he's just going to be so drunk he falls off the chair and hurts himself. Neither of those scenarios is a) desirable, or b) out of the realm of possibilities.

But it's hard to say what I find more disturbing, the fact that I'm reading yet another story about Gary Coleman acting like a feral child or the fact that there are no less than three hundred different reports of this circulating across the globe at this very moment. I'm not kidding. 332 according to Google News, actually. The BBC News in the UK, The Herald in Ireland, NineMSN in Australia, The National Post in Canada, America's Hat, Goal.com in Switzerland, The Telegraph, Thaindian.com in Thailand, The Standard in China, and the list goes on! Holy crap. You'd have thought Coleman ran over Osama bin Laden with the amount of coverage it's getting around the world.

Hey, but would that not be the biggest news story ever? I can picture the news reports now...."And in other news, after a long night of bowling at a local bowling alley, Gary Coleman ran over and killed Osama bin Laden! Film at eleven. Back to you."

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