Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Nut That There's Anything Wrong With That

Man, it sure does seem like it's been a long time since I've had anything amusing to say about the penis (a tough item to come up with on most days, really). It seems almost as long since I've had anything to say about some numbnut (literally) out there who got some foreign object stuck on his penis and had to have it surgically removed. Ah, yes, the ol' Penis And The Foreign Object yarn. Two great things that go great together. ("You put your penis in my foreign object!" "You put your foreign object on my penis!" Sorry, Reese's.) Well, for all eight of you who are reading this, the wait is over. Release the hounds! The day has arrived! It's another "foreign object intentionally placed on the penis" story gone awry!


This time, the plight of the penis takes us to the faraway land of Malaysia. Malaysia is in Southern Asia, right next to Thailand, the motherland of child porn. (And while location is important to this story, geographical location is not. I just threw that in so it wouldn't be all about the penis for once.) So it would seem that a man who is only being described as "a Malaysian welder" in the press (and a "dumbass" everywhere else) "...had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong..." according to the story brought to us by the folks with a job over there at Yahoo! News.

Now, I had to read that twice because the phrase "have a nut removed from around his penis" was extremely confusing and even more disturbing to me. How in the hell did he manage that one, I thought. My relief upon learning that it was a metal industrial nut instead of a anatomical nut was short lived and I recoiled in horror (again, unfortunately) as I realized that this man must have mistaken his penis for a bolt.

Turns out, there was no mistake. Correct, the welding Malaysian put the metal nut on his penis one purpose. Why? Well, because he was trying to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week, of course! Wait. What the hell?
"Before he gets engaged?" Um, dude, you're just getting engaged. Perhaps you misunderstood the tradition, but the guy puts a ring on the girl's finger. But that aside, "lengthen it?" How is a metal nut going to lengthen your schlort and make it a schlong? OK, let me rephrase that, because obviously it is NOT going to do that, but what in the world would make you think that it would, sir? And why would you try that theory out on your own penis? Isn't stuff like that what your best man should be for? Carrying the ring, standing by your side and cramming a nut on his penis to see if it becomes elongated? Sounds like a typical best man duty if you're asking me.

Now, you know that this whole experiment went horribly awry, right? Yeah, it did. According to the article, "The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection...forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state." (I love how they always give the location of the medical facility. You know, in case you're ever in Malaysia with a nut stuck on your penis and you need to know where to go.) So, does that mean that he put the nut on when things were looking a bit "down" for him and then he became so excited at the prospect of his "home reproductive organ lengthening procedure" being successful that things suddenly started looking "up" and that's when problems did arise? (Oh, geez, pun oh-so intended there. Of course.) Interesting. Doesn't seem like he needs to find himself a wife at all, really. Seems like that little nut there does the trick just fine.

When this wingnut arrived at the Sultanah Aminah Hospital, the staff "..had to drain some blood from the penis and cut away a top layer of skin before the object could be removed." Oh, my GOD! What the hell??!? See, this is what I don't get. Couldn't he just wait for things to "peter out" so to speak on their own and avoid all of the cutting and all of the removing of skin layers and such? I'm cringing at the thought of it and I don't even have one! What's with the blood draining? How is that accomplished?! This is starting to sound like some sort of odd voodoo ritual or something. You've got your metal nut, your penis blood draining, your excavating of the upper layer of skin. Throw in some Moroccan shakers, a grass skirt and wave around some chicken bones and things could start to get a little weird.

(Hey, and the "Sultanah Aminah Hospital"? Yeah, that looks a little bit too much like "Animal Hospital" for my liking, thanks. Isn't there a Humanah Hospital somewhere? That's what I'd be asking.)

Apparently (and unfortunately for the 20-something, unnamed, incredibly stupid welder), "the fire and rescue department were also involved in trying to remove the nut." It never fails. If someone has something stuck on their penis, the fire department is involved. Why? The fire department is the last place I would call if I had something stuck on a penis that I don't have (but would for the sake of this argument). I don't know where I would call, exactly, but I highly doubt I'd be thinking, "Oh, come on! Are you kidding me? It's stuck? Great. That's just great! Now I have to find the number for the fire department and have them come over here and get this thing off of my manhood. Wonderful. Where's my phone?" No, it wouldn't be like that at all.

Now, of course, since Yahoo! News is lame, I had to go poking around the Internet (pun not intended) for more on this story. Turns out, the incredibly stupid, Malaysian welder does have a name and it's Taman Sri Skudai. (Not that it matters, but I like to be thorough.) Also, when the fire department was called (and this happens every time there's a penis-tastrophe somewhere), seven, yes seven, seven firefighters showed up. Seven. One penis, one nut, seven firefighters. (It'll be the title of a porno that's being filmed as you read this, I'm sure.) Thanks to the informative reporting done by folks over at The Star for those final nuggets of joy there.

So what have we learned? Plenty, but it's the same stuff we've learned before. But let's review anyway. Apparently it couldn't hurt (at least, not as much as having a metal object lodged on your genitals). Although men shouldn't put small, metal, industrial fasteners onto their penis, they often do. And when they do, inevitably they will be come aroused by the cold, hard metal surrounding their manhood and become aroused to the point of no return. It is at that point the the fire department is summoned and no less than seven firefighters will arrive to assist in the absurd-ectomy. (Lights and sirens must be on. Hook and ladder gear must be deployed. Two to three firehoses are optional.) The firefighters will soon realize that it is a nut on a penis and that it is very different from an actual fire. They will then take the male (who is in agony) to the nearest hospital, the location of which they will learn by sifting through earlier news reports about this sort of thing happening before. It will take hours to remove the object and will involve some sort of blood draining procedure which may or may not include a chicken bone. The penis will not, repeat, will NOT be lengthened at the end of this adventure. Repeat about once every one to two months, as needed, at various locations across the globe.

I'm sure that bride-to-be is just beaming with pride upon hearing this news!

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