Thursday, September 18, 2008

Little, Oily, Topless, Female Midget Wrestlers

I suppose that with the economy being all in the crapper and everything, if you're a business owner, you have to put more of an effort into attracting customers to your fine (or seedy) establishment. But whatever it is, just make sure that you follow the rules of the city. It doesn't matter what you do to bring in business, you're going to have to play by the book or risk losing your business license. So, whether it be having happy hour or 2-for1 specials or Ladies Night or topless female midget wrestling, make sure you're within the stated guidelines and regulations of the city ordinances. . Wait. What was the one right after Ladies Night? Topless female midget wrestling? Oh, good Lord, WTF?

Actually, that would be MWF, the Micro Wrestling Federation. Over there at the PJ Star, they're reporting that the liquor license for the Outskirts Bar and Grill in Canton is being suspended for 60 days because during a recent "midget wrestling event" there were two women (presumably of the midget genre) who were topless when all of the wrestling between midgets was going on. Now, mind you, it's not the midget wrestling that the city of Canton has a problem with. No, that seems to be OK with them (for reasons that are just unfathomable). It's the nudity of the midgets whilst wrestling where the problem inherently lies. Apparently. Whatever.

Here's how this fiasco (the losing of the license, not the midget wrestling in and of itself. Odd, I know.) transpired: Naturally, it all began when The Outskirts hosted a Micro Wrestling Federation event on Aug. 16. (In other news, there is a Micro Wrestling Federation.) Kim Scott, the owner of The Outskirts had apparently made a contract with the group for male wrestlers to perform. Well, that didn't seem to be the case. It seemed that there were female wrestlers who, for more unfathomable reasons, had neglected to get themselves completely dressed for this elitist form of entertainment, and were wrestling about without shirts but with oil or some other viscous liquid covering them. Yep, that's right. Two topless female, greasy, oily, slippery midgets trying to do...something with each other under some sort of rules (maybe?) for some sort of sport (I'm guessing) for the enjoyment of bar patrons who may or may not (but hopefully are) be intoxicated? I guess? The funny thing is the only part that was the "problem" was the fact that they didn't have any shirts on. Because that, for some reason, makes it unacceptable. Go figure.

Now Scott claims that she wouldn't have allowed the incident to take place if she knew that they were going to be topless (again, because these people have some morals and character. Sheesh.), but she didn't know because she was outside smoking when the participants were, presumably, lifted up and placed into the ring or on top of the card table or whatever it is. (Because really, how much room is actually required for something like this? They probably could have asked the guitar player for the band to open up his guitar case and they could have done it in there. The point is that not a lot of room would seem to be necessary. ) So when Scott discovered the partially clad and very oily midgets going at each other, she said "she stopped the match as soon as she found out the women were topless." Again, because it's the topless part that makes this wrong.

Scott says that "The match didn't last very long . . . maybe four or five minutes. It was not intentional. Would I let it happen? No." Four or five minutes before she stepped in and put an end to it? Holy cow, how long do these things usually last? Well, maybe longer if they're all greased up like that. They'd go to grab the other one and just shoot right out and across the table or whatever it is. And something like that sounds like it would qualify for being a whole different sort of attraction in and of itself. It would be like the "Oily Midget Toss" or "Shoot Slippery Shorty and and Slippery Shrimpy across the room and win a prize!" Just make sure they're all fully clad.

I just don't get this sort of thing. Is it because they're really short that it's supposed to be appealing to folks? Or is it just that if you're at a certain type of bar (dive bar, white trash patrons, watered down kegs, homeless sleeping on barstools, that sort) anything goes? It's probably the latter, but your clientele has to be a combination of a) not very bright and b) not very sober. Those two things together will allow you to parade in a Barnum and Bailey-esque line of attractions that will keep your customers entertained and buying themselves drinks for hours on end. And if you run out of weird events to host, you can always put some of the drunks on the stage or in the ring and have a couple of them go at each other. That will be entertaining for the drunks and for those who aren't quite drunk enough yet. See? Entrepreneurship. Always thinking.

Anyway, the city council took a vote and voted to suspend Scott's license for 60 days. According to the mayor, a one Kevin Meade, "It's meant to send a message to other businesses in town that this won't be tolerated." Message sent and received, Mr. Mayor. Attention all other businesses! Attention all other businesses! Clothe your midgets! Clothe them now! The oil is fine! But keep 'em clothed! That is all.

That is all indeed.

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