Thursday, September 11, 2008

First Time For Everything

Remember a while back there was a guy who was selling everything he owned on eBay? All of his earthly possessions auctioned off in one lot. I think he ended up getting around $147K for them. It was close to that. Then there was another guy who was auctioning off his life, including his friends and his job. (No recollection as to how that one turned out, but if I had been one of the guy's friends, I'd have had plenty to say about it. "What if the new guy is a douchebag? Do I still have to be his friend?" Stuff like that.) Now, $147,000 isn't bad, but if you think about it as a price tag on your entire life, $147,000 seems a little low. But it's come to my attention that those two chaps were just doing it wrong. They were selling their life, their belongings, material possessions. If they really wanted to make some cash, they should have done two things differently One, they should have been women. Two, they should have put their virginity up for auction to pay for grad school. Wait. What?
Correct. Meet Natalie Dylan.

Natalie is 21-year old virgin and is willing to have a medical exam to prove it if the results from the polygraph test that she's already taken doesn't quite cut it for you. She is also hard up for cash and is selling her virginity to the highest bidder. If the bids so far are any indication, she'll be able to pay for grad school and get a doctorate as well, as so far the highest offer is $250,000. That's one pricey virgin right there. It's a good thing she's cute otherwise I'd have a lot more questions than I already do.

According to the folks over at CBS13, "Dylan earned her bachelor's degree in women's studies from Sacramento State and plans to get her master's at the school beginning in January." Women's studies. I see. Did she study this? The shameless auctioning off of one's self in order to pay for school (and a little bit more as well)? I'm guessing that she did not. Perhaps she should have been a marketing major or gone into advertising. Pubic public relations is another field that I'm sure she would have done well in. But women's studies is was. So be it.

So why doesn't she have any money to pay for school? Well, according to her she,"...ended up in a financial bind, because her stepfather allegedly used her college status to fraudulently apply for student loans, and then ran off with the money." Now, that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Something doesn't seem quite right here, aside from the whole premise to begin with. What kind of student loans are available out there for the stepfather of a student? Or is that supposed to mean that he fraudulently applied for loans in her name and then took that money and bailed? I don't know which it is, but I do know that usually the term "stepfather" implies that the guy is married to one's "mother". And the statement above seems to imply that the guy took off, which is why she can't just call up Mom and ask what's up with the stepfather, right? Yeah, this story has a few holes in it. (Mmmm...yeah, OK, pun probably intended there.)

She initially tried to auction off her virginal self on eBay ("You'll find it on eBay". Man, they weren't kidding!), but they rejected the auction. Shocking, I know. So what does a graduate of the women's studies program at Sacramento State do in a situation like this where the world's largest online auction site won't let you auction off the first time you have sex? Why, you do the next closest thing and you find a whore house in Nevada and have the owner handle the process (but nothing more). Um, what?

Dennis Hof is the owner of The Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada. (Hof is also the owner of Dick's Roadhouse. How ironic.) The Bunny Ranch, while it sounds all innocent and cute like the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, is a legal brothel. As if the fact that it's legal makes this or that any more palatable. (It doesn't.) Hof has owned the Bunny Ranch since 1992 and the Bunny Ranch currently employs about 500 hookers who are independent contractors and about 40 hourly hookers. Yeah, I'll bet there's a lot of contracting going on there. And retracting. And contorting. Not to mention the cavorting (hence the term "whorehouse").

Hof (which sounds a bit too much like "Hef" for me. Makes me wonder if that's his real name and wouldn't shock me a bit if it wasn't.) says that the 21-year old virgin " a bright, beautiful young woman who's going to consider a number of factors in her decision because she wants her first time to be a positive experience. "Natalie is a very smart girl. All she wants to do is get her master's degree in family and marriage counseling and be a psychologist." I'm not so sure that I could consider my "first time" to be a "positive experience" if I was whoring myself out to the highest bidder. Hardly what I would call "positive".

Would it surprise you to learn that there have been hundreds of offers so far? Of course not? Would it surprise you to learn that some have been from male virgins? God no, that wouldn't surprise anyone. I'm surprised that the majority of offers weren't from male virgins placing their bids online in between breaks from their Dungeons and Dragons game in their parent's basement. According to Hof, he says that there are a "number of things in determining the winner of the auction, including the amount of money offered and the man's personality. She wants to be with a nice person that is going to help her continue her education." OK, a nice person isn't going to be bidding to get you in the sack. Wealthy, perhaps. Nice? That's questionable. Here's a picture of the "nice girl" hoping to find a "nice person" to help with that "nice education".


See, that doesn't sound like a real "auction" to me. If she gets to pick and choose the lucky stud muffin to be the first to bed her, that makes me wonder about what's up. It also makes me wonder just how stupid some of these folks are who are bidding for Virginpalooza over there. Last time I checked (which was never, but you know what I mean), you could get a pretty decent looking hooker for a heck of a lot less than $250,000. Morons. Horny, unlaid morons.

There's a lot about this that makes me think that this isn't what it may seem to be. Now, I'm not saying that anyone is lying, but I am saying that the whole ordeal raises some questions (that's another way of saying "lying"). Here's one of them: Natalie Dylan isn't the virgin's real name. CBS13 tells us that she is using the pseudonym Natalie Dylan for safety reasons." Safety reasons. Uh-huh. And because she's using a fake name to help protect herself, that's why she has a picture of herself for those interested bidders to view. I'm thinking the name change isn't going to help your "safety" much if you have a picture of yourself out there for all the world to see.

Oooh, and I hope the world does see it and that someone that actually knows this chick comes forward and says whether or not she's crazy. If she is nuts, we'll know. Actually, if someone does pipe up to say something about this, it will be one of three things. That person will say that a) she's crazy, b) they've slept with her already, or c) she's lying about everything. One or more of those three things. Guaranteed. Oooh! And she went on Howard Stern's show to promote her Virginal Giveaway! Here she is showing up for that show. Virginal, no?

I'm also not seeing when this "auction" is going to end. But if it were me (and it never will be), I'd be for having it end sooner rather than later. Because if this sticks around too long, just like most trash, it's going to start to stink after a while. She's going to want to get her money and have her sex and then get the heck out of Dodge. And go get that Master's degree afterward, of course.

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