Saturday, September 13, 2008

F-ing Matt Damon

As you're probably aware, everyone (just about) is F-ing Matt Damon. However, after hearing his political opinions that he voiced to the Associated Press on Wednesday, now I just think of him as "F-ing Matt Damon". Needless to say, I was not impressed.

Apparently, Matt was in Toronto during the aptly named Toronto Film Festival to promote something called ONEXONE which is a Canadian children's charity which will be expanding to the US. (From what their website looks like, ONEXONE does a fine job of holding benefits and letting self important celebrities talk to a bunch of people who also think that the celebrity is great. They also seem to hand out awards to themselves quite a bit. See, ONEXONE doesn't seems to actually DO the charity work, rather they seem to be the gathering place for about eight organizations that DO the actual work. How noble.) It is there that he felt the need to voice how he felt about Sarah Palin being the Vice Presidential nominee.
Well, it's about time! Haven't we all just been waiting around, pacing the halls, worrying ourselves sick wondering when, when, oh when will Matt Damon give us his opinion on the Presidential race? We haven't? No. We haven't. But even though we haven't been waiting to hear from Matt Damon, I'll give him a shot and listen to what he thinks about this. Who knows? Maybe I'll be surprised and he'll have something insightful and intelligent to say. Maybe he'll be able to back his concerns up with some actual facts that are real. And maybe a bunch of monkeys will fly right on out of my arse next Tuesday. Maybe, but not real likely.
He starts off by saying, "I think there's a really good chance that Sarah Palin could be President and I think that's a really scary thing." Does he know what she's not running for President? Let's see. He continues with, "Because I don't know anything about her. I don't think in eight weeks I'm going to know anything about her. I know that she was the mayor of a really, really small town. And she's governor of Alaska for, for less than two years. I just don't understand." I don't understand either. WTF, Matt?

It's unclear why he feels that he won't know anything about her in eight weeks. Perhaps he's planning on spending those eight weeks severely incapacitated under a rock? Is there a reason that he can't find out "anything about her" in eight weeks? You know, Matt, that Google thing that is up and running these days? Yeah, that thing is pretty handy. Perhaps give that a go and see if you can find out "anything about her" in eight weeks. Or do you have to have everything spoon fed to you by your people and no one can find a spoon? And how long would you like her to be governor of Alaska for so that you feel more comfortable? Weren't you in the Barry for President camp in 2004 when he had been a Senator for only two years? I thought so. Next.

"I think the pick was made for political purposes but in terms of governance, it's a disaster." Really, Matt? You think it was a move made for "political purposes"? During a political election? Really?! That's fascinating! I never would have thought that a "political purpose" would find it's way into an election. Wow. You're right, that is hard to understand. (If you're a moron.)
"You do the actuary tables, you know, and there's a one out of three chance, if not more, that McCain doesn't survive his first term and it'll be President Palin." I'm not going to do the actuary tables, but I am going to look at them and from the looks of the actuary tables at the US Social Security Administration (who are just waiting for people to drop dead), you should look at them also, Matt, because you're wrong. McCain just turned 72. He has an approximated average of 12.01 years of life left. (Remember, when it comes to approximating someone's lifespan, in the end, you're just guessing. No one knows. And for good reason.) Where do you get "one out of three" there, Matt? The chance that he kicks it in the next year is 3.2%. Did you get that pesky decimal place in the wrong column again? Did you think that reads 32%, Matt? It's 3.2%. Try and get your facts straight before you go on a rant next time, will you please?

"It's like a really bad Disney movie. You know, the hockey mom. I'm just a hockey mom from Alaska and she's the President! And it's like she's facing down Vladimir Putin. And using, you know, the folksy stuff she, you know, learned at the hockey rink, you know. It's just, it's absurd." Actually, that sounds like a pretty good Disney movie! And if you think about it, all of the movies that have just a regular guy somehow finding himself being the President one morning? Those movies turn out fine! The guy is a great President and everyone loves him! Geez, for an actor, you think you'd know these things, Matt. And Vladimir Putin? Are we at war with Russia? Why is she facing down Putin? What happened to Iran? Where's Im-A-Dinner-Jacket? Wow, if you listen to Matt Damon, the world is a much different place with a female vice president. Who knew?

"It's totally absurd and I don't understand why more people aren't talking about how absurd it is. The fact that we have gotten that far and that we're this close to it being a reality is crazy. I mean, does she, I need to know if she really thinks that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. That's an important, I want to know that. I really do because she's going to have the nuclear codes, you know? I want to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here four thousand years ago. Or if she banned books or tried to ban books. I mean, you know, we can't, we can't have that." Wait. What?

And if she thought that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago (she doesn't, by the way. Oh, and Barry's not a Muslim either. Thought I'd better throw that in just in case.) that would be important because she will have nuclear codes? To...? For....? So....when she...goes back in time she can use the codes and kill all the dinosaurs so that we won't be stumbling over all of those pesky fossils any more? I don't get it. What does thinking that there were dinosaurs here 4,000 years ago (there weren't) have to do with having a nuclear code? I'm thinking nothing. Oh, wait! Is he implying that she would be crazy and then, as a result of her craziness, would just take the codes and just start nuking other countries for no reason? Sure. That would happen. Those two things go together. Sure.
And the book banning thing? Didn't happen, Matt. After hearing these outrageous stories, if you had taken just a little bit of time to do some research, Matt, you would have known these things. But this does explain why, in the next eight weeks, you still won't know anything about her. But please, please continue to give "interviews" to the Associated Press and voice your uninformed opinions which will then be reported and distributed as being "news". Sure, that will help.
You know, with all of Matt's "concern", it occurred to me that if he really seems to think that this is so close to becoming a reality, he must seem to think that McCain is really going to win this thing. That's a pretty good endorsement there, Matt. Do you know whose side your on? Didn't research that either, eh? That's a shame. OK, I'll give it to you one more time, but then you're on your own. It's called Google. Use it to look up some things and learn some things about Sarah Palin and then report back before election day in November and share what you've learned with the world. (Or do nothing and spend the next 6 weeks pacing up and down your hallway wondering if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. Sure. That'll help.)

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