Thursday, September 4, 2008

Economical Hookers In London

Today I learned that it is cheap, very cheap, we're talking dirt cheap, to get a hooker in London. London whores? Extremely inexpensive. I also learned that there are many, many, many brothels in London at which to find and pay for the cheap ass whores. Who knew? I'm guessing the Londoners, but other than them? Well, not me.

There's a group called the POPPY Project in Southwark and their purpose and mission is to "provide education about prostitution and to help victims of sex trafficking." That according to the fine chaps across the pond at BBC News. Therefore, to fulfill that mission, they had their researchers pose as "potential punters" ("Punters"? Is that British for "john"? They have to have their little names for everything, don't they?) and call some brothels that they found advertising in newspapers. Wow. Whorehouses in the newspaper. While that's interesting, it's not exactly the most shocking part of this aspect of the story. No, that aspect would be that those whorehouses that they called? Yeah, there were 921 of them.

921 brothels in London?! 921 whorehouses?! What's the average number of whores per house in London? I don't know either, but let's assume it's 5. (I realize that's a low estimate, but the number is going to seem huge as it is. I see no need to get carried away.) That would mean that there are 4605 whores in London. That's approximately 28 whorehouses for each of London's 33 boroughs. (A borough is basically like a town or a city. There they go again with their fancy little names. What's wrong with just "town", London?) Holy whorehouse, now THAT'S a lot of whores.

(Say, is there a correct term for when more than one hooker gathers in the same location at the same time? Like a gaggle? A flock? A herd? A pride? (Oh, it most certainly is not called a "pride of hookers". The term "hooker" itself automatically implies that it is devoid of any "pride" in the first place.) I'm just going to go with "handful". A handful of hookers. Catchy, no?)
So, the sneaky, punter posing researchers learned that some of the brothels charge as low as £15.

Now, over there in the UK, they don't use the Euro. No, as we've already learned, the UK needs to be all fancy, so their unit of currency is pounds sterling. (Pounds sterling? Rather pretentious sounding, don't you think?) Pounds sterling is represented by the " £ " sign, which is yet another pretentious UK personalization. To convert pounds sterling to US dollars, every £1 is the equivalent of approximately $1.772 USD. Thus, £15 would convert to $26.58. For a hooker!

Look, I know the economy is rough and all, but less than thirty bucks for a whore? And while she is a whore and all, even thirty bucks seems low for a whore. The article does say that if you want unprotected sex, that can run you another £10 or $17.72 USD. (Me, personally, I'd be wanting to pay extra for super-duper, over protected sex. She IS a hooker, remember?) That's $44.30 for unprotected sex with a hooker in London. You can't go on a date with a non-hooker for less than $50! Holy canoli! And the article doesn't mention a coupon or frequent flyer program or anything like that, so I can only assume it's just the regular going rate.

By the way, if you're the sort of person who this sort of thing appeals to, well, thanks for reading. But aside from that, if you're going to partake in such an activity, might I suggest that you don't actually count out the change for the hooker? Think of it as a tip, perhaps? But don't be asking her if she has a penny or anything like that. Just fork over the cash and get down to it. (I'm sure that information is available on a brochure at the Chamber of Commerce there in London, but his way, you'll already be prepared.)

With prices like those, how profitable are these brothels anyway? Good question. The answer will shock you (especially when you factor in the $26.58 per whore price tag). The researchers estimated that "the brothels generated between £50m to £130m a year." Here's a bit of foreshadowing: That little "m" after the 50 and the 130? Yeah, that's stands for "millions". And after I do the math, you will know that turns out to between $88,600,000 and $230,100,000! WTF?!?!

OK, something is wrong with their math! There is no way in hooker hell or hooker heaven (depending upon your perspective) that those slut sanctuaries are generating millions and millions of dollars or pounds sterling or whatever the hell unit of currency you horny bastards are forking over to them hand over fist (innuendo so implied!). NO way! Oh, wait a minute. I forgot that there were 921 of them, for cryin' out loud! Geez. You just don't think of someplace like London having 921 brothels, you just don't! So then that comes out to approximately $249,837 per brothel in London per year. And some of these chicks are doing it for less than fifty bucks per punter! (See? I can be uppity and British too!)

Actually, according to these researchers, the "average price for full sex was about £62." That's a little over $108 USD. And while that's more reasonable for the person getting paid for all of the sex, it's still an abomination. I'll bet that even if Wal-Mart had hookers, they'd get paid more than that! But what is "full sex"? After you've eaten? The article doesn't say.

And here comes the scientific conclusion that the researchers arrived at: "This research shows the disturbing prevalence of the sex industry in every corner of London - fuelled by the demand for prostitution services." First of all, what in the hell else would it be fuelled by if not the "demand for prostitution services"? And second, why is what is being focused on the "prevalence of the sex industry on every corner in London"? Personally, I'd be more concerned about the seemingly insatiable "demand for prostitution services" in London. I mean, shouldn't you want to know why those uppity Brits are so damned horny randy all the time that they need a brothel on every corner like they were 7-11s? The brothels are just meeting a need. Don't blame the brothel!

So what have we learned today? More than any of us wanted to, that is correct. But let's review anyway.

You can get a hooker in London just about anywhere you go for very, very cheap. It has been estimated (by me) that there are thousands of whores working the many, many brothels in London for a mere pittance paid in pounds sterling every time they jump in the sack with a punter. (And not the kind of punter that you'll find in the NFL, either. Well, not always that kind of punter.) We also learned that the whorehouses make a boatload of money every year. And finally, we learned that sometimes, when they feel it's necessary, scientists/researchers can be very, very sneaky in conducting their little experiments and gathering all of their data. But probably only the British ones are like that. I'm sure that the scientists and researchers in this country (even the ones working for the Federal Government) aren't sneaky hardly at all.

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Anonymous said...

Like it. And liked your sense of humor. Now about the fact that it generates millions: You have to note that, as the French say, "c'est le plus vieux metier du monde" |It's the oldest job in the world" !! Understandable !

Anonymous said...

all wrong! the brothels charge £15 to ENTER and the girls then charge an amount agreed with the brothel keeper of which the house keeps up to 50%. many girls however charge less once in a private room to secure repeat business. whatever dumbass american wrote this is confusing pretentiousness with culture and history - something yanks have none of. punter is from obsolete french "pondre"- to put, and refers to any purchase or bet made in any establishment."pound" refers to a measure of weight specifically of silver which was exchanged as currency many many years before the dollar or the euro and has ancient germanic and latin roots (punda and pondo). the £££ sign is a representation of the latin letter L which stands for libra meaning weight(hence the star sign "the scales" which even the yanks must be familiar with)."borough" derives from a common indo-european language cognate meaning "fort"(a language to which "american english" is a distant bastard son).it may have escaped this authors attention that new york has boroughs as does new jersey and alaska(although in alaska it is the equivelant of a county). is brooklyn a town?? no its bloody not. this guy doesn't even know his own country let alone anyone elses!

Mare said...

Hey, First Anonymous! Thanks!

Hey, Second Anonymous! It's called "American humor". Good to know you're so well informed about the hooker business! Though, given the tone of your post, it's not surprising that you'd probably need one from time to time.

Thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

You don't sound like you know a lot about London.... for a city with over 7.5 million inhabitants, a huge amount of visitors, and massive amounts of money moving through it, these numbers don't seem that big.

You also obviously don't know that much about big cities in the states. Never heard of "the five boroughs?" You know, "Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten/From the Battery to the top of Manhattan"

You're actually sort of funny, but so you know, it doesn't get much more pretentious than slating a culture you obviously know nothing about.

Anyway, you know, enjoy your hookers next time you visit.

Anonymous said...

on the subject of culture...........
what's the difference between the U.S.A
and a pot of yoghurt ???????????

obvious,yoghurt has culture !!!!!!!!!!!

the U.S.A...........HA !

only ever won 1 war,that was against itself,and the wrong side won,hence it being the ugliest,most boring country in the world !!!!!1

thanks for the big mac/pepsi cola
gee whizz you guys !
don't know where we'd be without you
real swell you guys
catch you aaal laaayyyduuurrrrr xxx

Otabek said...


You cannot find a whore for 15 pounds in anywhere of London, the price starts from 60 pounds for half-hour. thats the cheapest one which their phone numbers can be found ina phone-boxes.

I've been living in london for 4 years!!!

Mare said...


Thanks for the info. I have never been to London, nor have I purchased the services of a hooker. I was simply going on info that I had cited and linked to in my post. But at least you were polite about it and that I truly appreciate.

Thanks for reading! And be careful with the hookers!

~ Mare

Anonymous said...

Hi there,Brit here.
nice post,kinda funny,the Brit-bashing was a bit off,old chap,but then I feel it was tongue-in-cheek,so it's cool.
I was gonna correct you on the borough comment too,among other things.
I nearly spat out my tea and dropped my biscuit (over here,we don't soak them in gravy,it's a bit like a cookie,but more variety,and usually with no chocolate chips and less sugar) anyway...surely the borough comment was a joke?
I thought New York in particular was well-known for having boroughs?
Aside from the aforementioned Beastie Boys track,haven't you seen Donnie Brasco? 'In all the five boroughs,I'm KNOWN.Fuckin' forgeddaboutit.'
Or maybe you did?
And ladies,I don't mind a bit of banter between the US and UK as long as it's in good humour,but some people really take it a bit too personal and are too spikey about it,usually us Brits.
I got no beef with Americans,they're our cousins!
Name two other countries with such closer relations and trust.jesus,we LEASE NUCLEAR WEAPONS from them!!
THAT'S trust!!
Oh,and by the way,your estimated figures of 4,000 hookers in London is way off.Official figures put the estimate at over 8,000!!
I love this town!!
You also have to add to the figure of 921 'whorehouses' that many girls work privately out of their own apartments,which is 100% LEGAL under UK law.
What a town!! a hoe on every other street (including the fun fact that there is a Hoe Street in East London,which has a whorehouse on it!!) that you can visit without the fear of cops making a visit (unless they're paying,of course..)
And to the guy saying they start 'from 60 pounds upwards' get outta here!! I was born in London,lived here for over 30 years!!
With that many hoes in london,and many of them foreign workers,would you not expect competitive prices?
You would,and you'd be right,you can get them for £20 upwards!
And many more for £30/40 upwards,£50 is easy to find,but yeah they can go as high as £150-£250 an hour for high class whores with supermodel looks,or even actual international pornstars for £400/500!!
How do I know so much about this stuff,you ask??
*ahem* well,lets just say,in all the brothels I'm KNOWN,fuckin' forgeddaboutit...

I am open to questions or comments-

Mare said...


My new friend! Welcome! Awesome, awesome comments!!

I should clear up the boroughs thing. I am West Coast America. Silicon Valley to be less vague. That computer you're typing your comments on? Invented, honed and perfected (to the degree these things are perfected) mere miles from my abode. The point is, we're borough-less out here. (We're also burro-less, but then again, it's not an overly popular creature in much of this great land.)

Again, all of my figures about the number of hookers and hoes and what they charge to hoe one up were from whatever source I cited. I'm merely the messenger!

I had no idea hookers were such a hot topic. Still seems like a lot of hookers to me, but again, in my part of the land over here, the hookers aren't as prevalent. Don't get me wrong to think that I'm so naive to think that there are not any, as that is absolutely not the case. Some places are more bountiful in hookers, some less so. I'm in the less so area so when I read about places which seem overrun with hookers, I find it fascinating.

I've got no beef with the Brits whatsoever. I find y'all to be charming folks. Unless I use terms like "moron" and "idiot", it's all in fun. Amusing fun that allows me to make friends far and wide and across the pond.

Thanks for reading and commenting, Gerard! You're always welcome here!

~ M

Anonymous said...

theres hookers everywhere in london. just a few weeks ago a girl asked me for a cigarette, which i smoked with her and then she asks if i want some a portion of her! thank god i said no, as literally 2mins later a car flashed its lights and she jumped in...what a terrible life

gerard said...

Ha ha! yeah,if you're male and single,you can't go wrong in Soho in London,a good look around the sex shops and strip clubs will get you in the mood,then you can find a hooker,I have had a few people ask how you find them in London-are you kidding? most are well advertised-In Soho,look up,you will see red lights in the window. Also look for almost any open doorway that leads to upstairs flats (apartments) sometimes there will be a clue on the door,a handwritten sign saying 'model,19 years old,first floor' or similiar.There is a street in Mayfair,a very swanky part of town,called Shepherd's Market,it's amazing,you walk down this narrow side street under an alcove,and basically it is lined with brothels in the flats above,some with red lights,many open doors with signs on them '21 year old model,2nd floor' etc. and some even have big signs outside in the street,like outside newsagents/corner stores,with the same stuff on them.
If you are anywhere else in Central London,just go to a phonebox (phone booth) and there will usually be several calling cards of hookers,with their numbers,services provided ('a level' means 'anal','o level' means oral,'without' means you can pay extra for no condom,'in/out calls' means you can visit them and they will accomodate,or they will visit you-most will only visit a hotel-there are more codes they use,email me any questions) often with sexy pics of themselves or porno chicks.One Phone box may contain anywhere from 10-30 cards.
Call and ask for directions.
Or you can go to Craigslist London,look under services;erotic.there will be several hundred listed,with prices,area,services provided,and usually real pics of the girl(s) available.
REMEMBER,if a girl is offering sex for cash,from a private apartment,it is not a brothel,and is legal under UK law.

Sam said...


I was born and lived in London all my life. I don't understand why the sex industry here is a suprise to anyone.

I have been to New York and you certainly have hookers there, my friend who I was staying with had a flat mate who ordered loads. I sure this must be the same in all American towns. Maybe it is just more taboo in the USA than it is here.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mare,and other readers,I now have a blog up and running for this,and,at Mare's approval,I am now also serving as her Resident Whore Correspondent here in London.
Any queries or info relating to whores,should be directed there,or to my email directly.
On my blog,I share my experiences with the many prostitutes I have paid for sex,who come from all over the world.


London Conv said...

Actually a Legalised brothel can only have a maximum of 2 hookers. Not that I've been there, I just watch the news

Mare said...

Hey, London Conv.

Two hookers per brothel max. Gotcha. Good to know. Thank you for passing along that information that you saw "on the news". I appreciate it.

Thanks for reading!

~ Mare

Anonymous said...

Why the hell are you online making judgements about things you know nothing about, places you've never been and cultures that have history far richer than your own? Get your facts right before you try and be smart. And remember, you speak English. You fucking tit.

Mare said...

Hey, most recent Anonymous.

Thanks for commenting on one of my more popular posts from four years ago. I'm sure that you've been extremely busy chastising the rest of the Internet and just hadn't gotten around to me yet. Regardless, thank you for reading and for reminding me of the language that I speak. Since I'm constantly forgetting, it's nice to have my memory refreshed from time to time.

~ M

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