Monday, September 1, 2008

John McCain's Mother Is ALIVE?!

Oh, relax. I'll chill out on McCain and his hot, hot, hot pick for Vice President in a little while. (Seriously, Sarah Palin is a different kind of smokin' hot. She almost makes me say, "Obama Girl who?" Almost. She's Obama Girl, for cryin' out loud, don't go expecting miracles or anything.) Actually, how about now? Well, not totally. But partially!

Look, I like John McCain's sense of humor just as much as the next person who can actually bring themselves to admit that the guy is freaking funny. (I'm not on the McCain bandwagon. I'm not on any wagon. Wagons are uncomfortable. I'm just saying the guy is funny.) Like before he announced he had chosen Gov. Palin to be his running mate and some reporter asked him who he had chosen. McCain deadpans back to the reporter, "Wilford Brimley." Come on, that is funny!

But I have to draw the line somewhere. And I'm drawing it here. This is something, no matter how funny he might think it is, that John McCain should never, ever do: fake a heart attack while you're out campaigning or shaking hands or doing anything, really. DON'T DO IT. Behold! The guy that might be the oldest President of the United States ever elected pretending as if he's having a heart attack!


Seriously. That's not good. And it's not good for several reasons. Some (most) of which are obvious. The most blatantly obvious one being that Grandpa John McCain is old. But come on, people, it's not like he's Methuselah or anything like that. The man just turned 72, not 102! Is 72 really thought of as that old? I mean, everyone is doing all of the "old jokes", so I guess it must seem old to a lot of people, but I guess it just doesn't seem like it's that old to me. (My Dad lived to be 82 and that didn't seem old at all. Then again, he's my Dad, so it could have been 102 and it wouldn't have been long enough for me.)

Maybe it's just perspective. Well, no, that can't be it because David Letterman (who has crafted some of the finest "He looks like the guy who...." jokes in all the land) is 61. 61 is a lot closer to 72 than it's, um, not closer to 72. Now, eleven years younger than 61 is 50 and that age difference sounds about the same as the difference between 61 and 72. But Jay Leno is 58. See, 58, which is 14 less than 72, sounds a heck of a lot younger than 72. And if you go 14 years younger than 58 and compare 44 years old to 58 years old, it still sounds a heck of a lot younger than 58. So I'm OK with Jay and anyone younger than him making the McCain-is-old jokes. But you're 61, Dave, so 72 is not THAT old. The two of you could call each other up to remind the other one that Wheel of Fortune is coming on, your ages seem that close together. (What am I talking about? Those "He looks like the guy who...." jokes are hil-arious. Keep making those, just knock off the other ones, maybe? Geez. Sorry about that. Lost my head there.)

If McCain wants to get rid of his old image, I have a suggestion or two for him. The first of which would be to stop making that old man sigh/grunt at the end of sentences. You know what I mean. It's the sound that old men make and it doesn't matter what they've just said, the old-man-sentence-ender completely negates any feeling that you were trying to convey with what you've just said and instantly transforms your spoken word into something that feels oddly hopeless. It's like this: "And we will WIN this war on TERROR! (pause 1 second) (low mumble, going slowly from a medium pitch to a lower pitch that trails off at the end) nnneeehhhhhhh......" It's very Grandpa Simpson-esque. And it's not good. All it does is scream, "I'm old! Get off of my lawn!"

But here's the clincher. Show a picture of John McCain next to his mother. Oh, stop it! His mother is still ALIVE! Yes! I swear. Roberta McCain is alive and well and seems to be doing just fine. Oh, and she's ninety freaking five, by the way. Behold! The ninety five year old mother of John McCain who was born in (Holy cow!) 1913!


Holy American Gothic. Really, is she what you picture when you think of someone who is ninety five? Of course she isn't. You're picturing someone like Mark Felt:


Or Senator Robert Byrd:


Or even the beloved Grandpa Simpson:


You're not picturing Roberta McCain:


John McCain might be 72, but I have a feeling that he isn't going to be going anywhere for a while. Especially not if his Mom is any indication of how things go in that family. (Holy canoli, 95? Are we sure about that?) Oh, and by the way...Wilford Brimley? Seventy THREE. McCain isn't looking so old NOW is he? I didn't think so. But Obama Girl is still looking pretty hot.

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