Monday, September 8, 2008

Maybe It's Just Fate That You're All Alone


Everyone is different from everyone else, right? More or less, sure. And we've had it drilled into our thick, thick skulls that "different is good". But sometimes, people think that just because they're "different", that means that they're not just "good", but "really good". Or something like that. They sure don't think that they're like everyone else. They sure do think that they need to have little specialty niches just for them to crawl into and feel safe about the world. (That kind of "different" isn't called "good", it's called "wussy", by the way.) And apparently some (not ALL, for God's sake! Some. Some!) Christians think that they are "different" than the rest of society when it comes to a lack of "dating skills" like flirting and "reading signals". Apparently the Christians who think that really haven't been on a whole hell of a lot of dates. Otherwise they'd know that society, in general and as a whole, is completely and shamelessly socially inept and they're no different.

But there are people out there who want the low-esteem, dateless Christians to feel as if they are different. Of course, those are the same people who also feel the need to try and profit off of the bitter and alone Christian folks by founding a dating service which offers courses designed to make the bitter and alone a little more successful in turning a first date into a long-term relationship. (No word on what "long-term" involves here. I mean, for me, "long term" would be if they're making me breakfast. So just keep in mind, it's all relative.) The dating service has been dubbed Christian Connections and (shocker) it's an online dating service.


According to a one Jackie Elton, the founder of the niche agency, the number of people who are using Christian dating sites "has doubled over the past year". Now, she doesn't say what the number was before it doubled, so we could assume that they're up from 20 to 40. We have no idea. (Again, using the above example, it's all relative.) But she goes on to say that the lonely Christians "...
know what they want, but many congregations are too small or have a gender imbalance that makes it really difficult for them.. As a result they are not getting the kind of experience they need and that's why they are turning to the workshops." Oh, crap. The what?


The workshops. According to the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, "Lessons include how to greet someone, how to hold good eye contact and how to judge whether the other person wants to be kissed at the end of the evening." Look, I'm not trying to belittle anyone here, but do they really need lessons on these things? I'm thinking that if they do there might be some other underlying issues that instructional material just isn't going to help out very much. Those things are not that hard. I'll show you.
  • How to greet someone - Say hi.

  • How to hold good eye contact - Start by looking at them. Don't stare (freak). Just pretend like you're paying attention to whatever they're saying and you'll be fine. (Unless they ask you what they just said, and then you're screwed.)

  • How to judge whether the other person wants to be kissed at the end of the evening - What matters here is if you want to be kissed. And if you do, there's only one way to find out if the other person does too.

See? Simple. You don't need some sort of a "service" for stuff like this. And if you really don't want to worry about those things, I have one word for you. Alcohol. What? Yeah, I get out plenty. Why do you ask?

Never mind. Anyway, in this same realm of Socially Inept Christians Collecting Knowledge Online (SICCKO) we find Peter Spalton, who is also known as "the dating doctor". (Of course, later on in the article, The Telegraph simply refers to him as "Mr. Spalton", giving you a wee bit o' insight as to what they think of his self-indulgent moniker.) He said that, "...churchgoers tended to be more reserved and could benefit from tips on how to appear more attractive." Well. That's a statement. I wonder what he has in mind? Was he the one counselling the FLDS women? Behold! Churchgoers who tend to be more reserved and could benefit from tips on how to appear more attractive!



Now, the Rev. Richard Cunningham (not the guy from "Happy Days") who is the director of the University and College Christian Fellowship says that society has become increasingly fragmented and one of the results is that people are lacking in basic skills which could be beneficial to dating successfully. And what do you think is responsible for the demise of social skills in society? Well, according to the fine Reverend, "With the growth of the Internet, people are losing social skills we used to take for granted, and have drifted away from being able to read signals." Shocking, I know, to learn that spending a lot of time online and not going out and interacting with real people will lead to poorly developed social skills and lots of dateless individuals (otherwise known as "spinsters" or "trolls").

But wait a minute. If it's because of "the growth of the Internet" that has people becoming more and more socially inept than before (Oh, don't kid yourself. No one is really good at this stuff. Some are more not good at it than others, but in general, interacting with others in society is like being dropped off on Moron Island.) then how is an online dating service going to help anyone?! Last time I checked, the Internet was online!! Good Lord...

I don't see this as being beneficial for many people, I don't care what your religious affiliation is. If the problem is because you're online too much, it can't be helpful to have you get online more to learn how to interact with others. And by the way, if you're thinking that you can probably handle the Christian dating scene on your own but you're just looking for a few Christian pick-up lines that you can use, I can't say that I'd recommend any of the ones that the folks over at Christian Connections said had been used on them. These are horrible, which is why I must share! Behold! Christian pick up lines that will cause you to go straight to hell if you ever seriously use them.

  • Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives. He never met you.
  • Is this pew taken?

  • I just don't feel called to celibacy.

  • You float my ark.

  • I didn't believe in predestination until tonight.

  • My parents are home, wanna come over?

  • Is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV travel bible in your pocket?

  • Let me sell you an indulgence - it's a sin to look as good as you.

  • How many times do I have to walk around you before you fall for me?

  • I like to arrange the substantial Christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. Coffee?

  • The name is Will. God's Will.

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1 comment:

Genigh said...

I too signed up at many online dating sites. But, Christian Café is the best.