Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Anyone Else In There That Wants To Come Out?

Well, it's going to be a little bit roomier in the closet now that two more people just stepped out of it. I know! Two in one day! And how surprised do you think you're going to be by either of them? That's right, not at all. Actually, that might not be true. Given that, when Rosie O'Donnell publicly came out (which only reaffirmed for thousands that their gaydar was working correctly all of those years), poll numbers showed that a significant percentage of those polled said that they were "surprised" that she was gay. (Yes. Someone did a poll on the surprise factor in relation to Rosie O'Donnell's gayness. Who has these jobs? And how do I get one?) Surprised? They were surprised that Rosie O'Donnell, ROSIE O'DONNELL was gay? Really? Who are you people? I mean, I know it's crowded in the closet, but it must be just packed underneath that rock you've been living under. Wow. Surprised. Huh. Go figure.

Anyway, today not one, but two, yes two, TWO celebrities officially confirmed what those of us not under the rock (and subjected to listening to or reading about the speculation of both for way too long) what we already knew. Yep, they're gay. Well, gay enough, in one instance. Let's start with that one, shall we? I'll try to build the suspense, but it'll be hard. It's not very suspenseful.
  • She's a she.

  • She wasn't really rumored to be gay until recently.

  • The rumors heated up after she was seen everywhere with her openly gay "friend".

  • Oh, and when I say "seen everywhere" I mean "seen kissing". Same thing, right?

  • She was a bit of a tart and a troublemaker before the "girlfriend" came along, but since then she's totally calmed down and hasn't been arrested once. (Just the other day I was told that sometimes the right relationship can make all the difference. Apparently that person knew what they were talking about. Good to know. Thanks for that, H.)

  • Her name rhymes with Flindsay Flohan.

Stumped? I thought you might be. But the clues! So many signs! Who am I kidding? OK, so Lindsay Lohan basically admitted/confirmed/stopped lying that she was seeing DJ Samantha Ronson (who reminds me of the Superman nemesis Mr. Mxyzptlk, but only in appearance. She seems like a very nice individual.) and has been for "a very long time.". The worst kept secret in Celebrity Land came out during an episode of the radio show Loveline, that according to the gossipy folks over there at The Defamer. Loveline is hosted by a guy named Dr. Drew and his co-host Stryker. Now, I'm not sure why Stryker is hosting a radio show instead of out defending truth and justice against the forces of evil like any other superhero with a name like Stryker would be doing, but he did get Lindsay to spill it when no one else has been able to, but I guess that's superhero-y enough to have a name like Stryker, so it's all good.

Apparently, Samantha Ronson had called in to talk about her friend DJ AM, who was in a plane crash a couple of days ago that killed four out of the six people that were on the plane. (And surprisingly enough, someone named DJ AM managed to save himself.) When she was done talking with Stryker, she just passed the phone over to Lindsay and Super Stryker went to work by just casually asking, "You and Samantha have been going out for how long now? Like two years? One year? Five months? Two months?" Now, it wasn't as relentless as it might sound there, as there were moments that he paused to allow Lindsay to giggle like a teenage girl (which she is not all that far removed from. That's worth remembering when the Lindsay topic is up for discussion.) Maybe it was his secret super powers, but something about Stryker's approach prompted Lindsay to answer with, "A very long time." Woo-hoo! Nice job! Don't let that closet door hit you on the ass on the way out!

Next up for outage, a male celebrity. This one, equally as tricky as the one above. Here we go.

  • He's a he.

  • He's been rumored to be gay since the first day that the public became aware of his existence. (Never underestimate the power of the gaydar.

  • He can sing. For real. Not just one of those who think that they can sing when they really sound like a banshee in a blender. No, this one can really sing.

  • He just became a father (after his "best friend" gave birth to his offspring via artificial insemination, ie. turkey baster).
  • His name rhymes with Gay Gayken.

Yep, Clay Aiken! Again, nice job! Shocking, I know. People Magazine has confirmed that Clay will be on the cover of their magazine Wednesday (today), but People would not release the article before then. I don't know if they think that they're being sly or secretive or what, but it's not like they're hiding any big secrets. After all, the cover that they've confirmed is below. (Somehow, Perez Hilton managed to get a peek at it. Nice job, Perez. I wonder what the article could be about?

So there is the big gay cover of People with Clay Aiken proclaiming "Yes, I'm Gay". Funny thing is that underneath that it does not say, "Yes, we're aware." That would be the most fitting caption to have there, no? (I mean, seriously, the only thing that would be slightly less shocking would be if I reminded everyone that Liberace was, in fact, gay.) But instead it reads "The Idol star opens up about his emotional decision to come out: "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things." Yeah, well, children learn how to lie and hide things on their own, whether they're raised that way or not. But I'm glad you're out, Clay. Nice job. Breathe deep. Enjoy it. Trust me, everything after you've come out will be exactly the same as it was before you came out and you thought that you were fooling everyone. See, I like to think of "news" as something that I'm being told that I don't already know. When you already know it, it's not so much "news" as it is "noise".

So the only thing that's different now, Clay, is that you know that we know. And we know that you know that we know. And believe me, if people were going to not like you because you're gay, they would have not liked you whether you had announced it or not. (That's right. Because everyone already knew. Good, I see you're catching on.) You'll be fine. I swear. And now everyone can stop talking about it and find some other closeted celebrity to speculate about.

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