Anyone Else In There That Wants To Come Out?

Well, it's going to be a little bit roomier in the closet now that two more people just stepped out of it. I know! Two in one day! And how surprised do you think you're going to be by either of them? That's right, not at all. Actually, that might not be true. Given that, when Rosie O'Donnell publicly came out (which only reaffirmed for thousands that their gaydar was working correctly all of those years), poll numbers showed that a significant percentage of those polled said that they were "surprised" that she was gay. (Yes. Someone did a poll on the surprise factor in relation to Rosie O'Donnell's gayness. Who has these jobs? And how do I get one?) Surprised? They were surprised that Rosie O'Donnell, ROSIE O'DONNELL was gay? Really? Who are you people? I mean, I know it's crowded in the closet, but it must be just packed underneath that rock you've been living under. Wow. Surprised. Huh. Go figure.

Anyway, today not one, but two, yes two, TWO celebrities officially confirmed what those of us not under the rock (and subjected to listening to or reading about the speculation of both for way too long) what we already knew. Yep, they're gay. Well, gay enough, in one instance. Let's start with that one, shall we? I'll try to build the suspense, but it'll be hard. It's not very suspenseful.

• She's a she.
  
  
• She wasn't really rumored to be gay until recently.


• The rumors heated up after she was seen everywhere with her openly gay "friend".
  
  
• Oh, and when I say "seen everywhere" I mean "seen kissing". Same thing, right?


• She was a bit of a tart and a troublemaker before the "girlfriend" came along, but since then she's totally calmed down and hasn't been arrested once. (Just the other day I was told that sometimes the right relationship can make all the difference. Apparently that person knew what they were talking about. Good to know. Thanks for that, H.)


• Her name rhymes with Flindsay Flohan.

Stumped? I thought you might be. But the clues! So many signs! Who am I kidding? OK, so Lindsay Lohan basically admitted/confirmed/stopped lying that she was seeing DJ Samantha Ronson (who reminds me of the Superman nemesis Mr. Mxyzptlk, but only in appearance. She seems like a very nice individual.) and has been for "a very long time.". The worst kept secret in Celebrity Land came out during an episode of the radio show Loveline, that according to the gossipy folks over there at The Defamer. Loveline is hosted by a guy named Dr. Drew and his co-host Stryker. Now, I'm not sure why Stryker is hosting a radio show instead of out defending truth and justice against the forces of evil like any other superhero with a name like Stryker would be doing, but he did get Lindsay to spill it when no one else has been able to, but I guess that's superhero-y enough to have a name like Stryker, so it's all good.

Apparently, Samantha Ronson had called in to talk about her friend DJ AM, who was in a plane crash a couple of days ago that killed four out of the six people that were on the plane. (And surprisingly enough, someone named DJ AM managed to save himself.) When she was done talking with Stryker, she just passed the phone over to Lindsay and Super Stryker went to work by just casually asking, "You and Samantha have been going out for how long now? Like two years? One year? Five months? Two months?" Now, it wasn't as relentless as it might sound there, as there were moments that he paused to allow Lindsay to giggle like a teenage girl (which she is not all that far removed from. That's worth remembering when the Lindsay topic is up for discussion.) Maybe it was his secret super powers, but something about Stryker's approach prompted Lindsay to answer with, "A very long time." Woo-hoo! Nice job! Don't let that closet door hit you on the ass on the way out!

Next up for outage, a male celebrity. This one, equally as tricky as the one above. Here we go.

• He's a he.


• He's been rumored to be gay since the first day that the public became aware of his existence. (Never underestimate the power of the gaydar.
  
  
• He can sing. For real. Not just one of those who think that they can sing when they really sound like a banshee in a blender. No, this one can really sing.
  
  
• He just became a father (after his "best friend" gave birth to his offspring via artificial insemination, ie. turkey baster).

• His name rhymes with Gay Gayken.

Yep, Clay Aiken! Again, nice job! Shocking, I know. People Magazine has confirmed that Clay will be on the cover of their magazine Wednesday (today), but People would not release the article before then. I don't know if they think that they're being sly or secretive or what, but it's not like they're hiding any big secrets. After all, the cover that they've confirmed is below. (Somehow, Perez Hilton managed to get a peek at it. Nice job, Perez. I wonder what the article could be about?

So there is the big gay cover of People with Clay Aiken proclaiming "Yes, I'm Gay". Funny thing is that underneath that it does not say, "Yes, we're aware." That would be the most fitting caption to have there, no? (I mean, seriously, the only thing that would be slightly less shocking would be if I reminded everyone that Liberace was, in fact, gay.) But instead it reads "The Idol star opens up about his emotional decision to come out: "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things." Yeah, well, children learn how to lie and hide things on their own, whether they're raised that way or not. But I'm glad you're out, Clay. Nice job. Breathe deep. Enjoy it. Trust me, everything after you've come out will be exactly the same as it was before you came out and you thought that you were fooling everyone. See, I like to think of "news" as something that I'm being told that I don't already know. When you already know it, it's not so much "news" as it is "noise".

So the only thing that's different now, Clay, is that you know that we know. And we know that you know that we know. And believe me, if people were going to not like you because you're gay, they would have not liked you whether you had announced it or not. (That's right. Because everyone already knew. Good, I see you're catching on.) You'll be fine. I swear. And now everyone can stop talking about it and find some other closeted celebrity to speculate about.

Sphere: Related Content

Lesbianism Cleans Up Train Wrecks

Lindsay Lohan used to be a train wreck. Not a train wreck waiting to happen. But an actual train wreck. Off the rails, bashing into something (or someone), inoperable and crumpled into a pile, unable to move without assistance. A lovely picture, indeed.

And really, do you blame her? I mean, her parents are lunatics. And growing up in the Hollywood limelight/spotlight? I don't care how much you think you'd like that, you wouldn't. (You might at first (for like an hour), but after that, it's going to get old and it's not going to be looking back.) So you have the child actress with the ridiculous and incompetent parents (who, naturally, get divorced, adding yet another ingredient into this recipe for disaster) and she's growing up in that whole Hollywood/entertainment industry (as the cash cow/gravy train conductor for her family) surrounded by the usual drugs and alcohol and people who want to be your "friend" because you're famous. It sounds horrible, if you're asking me.

Then she gets a DUI. Then another. Somewhere along the line I'm pretty sure she wrecked at least one Mercedes. And I know that cocaine was involved at least once. And she was arrested. And the list goes on. And on. And on. Oh, and most of this was before she turned 21. Nice.

And I'll be the first to admit, I was calling Vegas hoping that some sports book had odds on when she was finally going to do herself in. (I was looking to put down at least $20 on an Over/Under bet as to whether or not she lives to be 30. I really wanted the Unders.) Remember for a while there how it was Lindsay and Paris Hilton and Britney Spears all just crashing and burning at the same time? (My God, you couldn't go 10 minutes without hearing about the fiasco du jour from the diva du jour for like 6 months straight.) Turns out, Brit might be the one who is the most off the path these days. Who knew? (Paris Hilton is just dumber than a box of hair, so we never expected much from her. And I see that as a good thing, actually, because if you think about it, what would we expect from her? Ugh.)

But back to Lindsay. Lately? Not so much of a train wreck. Not even really so much of a train. She seems to be the kinder, gentler Lindsay. The Lindsay that no one knew was in there. I don't think that even she knew she was in there. How could you when you're surrounded with the environment that she was? Actually, she kind of still is in that environment. So what's changed? Why the different Lindsay?

While there hasn't been any official-official confirmation (but loads of speculation), it would appear that our little Lindsay has become quite smitten with another individual. One who appears to have become quite smitten with her as well. They seem to spend an awful lot of time together, they seem to be happy when they're seen in public together and it would seem as if they are 'together'. But no one's saying for sure. Why not? Because the alleged object of Lindsay's affection is another chick.

DJ (yes, a DJ) Samantha Ronson (who looks a bit like the Superman antagonist Mxyzptlk) has been constantly with Lindsay for the better part of about a year now. A few photos have surfaced here and there of them "kind of" kissing. The day after her 22nd birthday, she called Ryan Seacrest's radio show (who better to not talk to about not being gay?) and told him that she'd like to "spend the next year being with the person that I care about." Do you think that Ryan was able to strap on a set of balls and ask who that might be? Of course not. (I don't know necessarily that he should have asked. But I do like making fun of little closeted gay Ryan Seacrest.) But what she said says a lot.

I don't know a lot about Samantha Ronson. Hell, I don't know a lot about DJs in general. But I know that Lindsay was a disaster waiting to happen just a little over a year ago. And I know that lately, when I see photos of her in the tabloids, they're not mugshot photos. And I know that she looks a lot better in the non-mugshot photos of late than she did when she was on a diet of Red Bull, vodka and cocaine. And as I briefly skim through uninteresting stories about how her and Ronson were grocery shopping together, I know that it seems normal. It seems like it's the most normal her life has ever been. And good for her.

And maybe she is gay and maybe she isn't gay, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that it's not important. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't need to come bounding out of the hypothetical closet simply to satisfy the curiosities of others or to make some sort of statement or to act as the unofficial, but publicly appointed poster child for 'Gay is OK'. (And I don't mean Oklahoma.) That there is so much speculation about if she "is" or "isn't" makes it pretty obvious as to just how much people are missing the point. (And it also hammers home the reality that the tabloids are just in it for the exploitation of celebrity.

Look, she isn't crashing her vehicles into lampposts and getting strung out on coke and being arrested for DUI because of one reason. (Well, kind of two, but they're really sort of the same.) So here it is: She's freaking happy. (AND, probably for the first time in her life, she feels like someone actually loves her just because of who she is and NOT because she's Lindsay Lohan. That has to be an incredible relief.) And for as interested as people were in why she was such a train wreck, I find it amazing (but not totally shocking) that people can't pay attention to what it is that's really important to people and can make such a big difference in their lives. (But again, people are morons, so what do I expect?)

And I don't know if she's gay or not. And I really don't care. If she feels like she wants to tell the world that she's gay (IF she is), that's up to her. (But Lindsay, since I know you're reading this right now, I'm going to have to advise against it for now. Just enjoy your new found inner peace and happiness. And don't screw it up and make me look like an idiot for thinking that.)

I really don't know what it was that provoked my Lindsay Lohan diatribe today. I don't know, maybe I'm just happy for someone who can find that kind of happiness with someone else. I do know that if I had been able to put my $20 down on the Unders, I'd be pretty happy to lose that bet.

Sphere: Related Content