Saturday, July 19, 2008

Lesbianism Cleans Up Train Wrecks

Lindsay Lohan used to be a train wreck. Not a train wreck waiting to happen. But an actual train wreck. Off the rails, bashing into something (or someone), inoperable and crumpled into a pile, unable to move without assistance. A lovely picture, indeed.

And really, do you blame her? I mean, her parents are lunatics. And growing up in the Hollywood limelight/spotlight? I don't care how much you think you'd like that, you wouldn't. (You might at first (for like an hour), but after that, it's going to get old and it's not going to be looking back.) So you have the child actress with the ridiculous and incompetent parents (who, naturally, get divorced, adding yet another ingredient into this recipe for disaster) and she's growing up in that whole Hollywood/entertainment industry (as the cash cow/gravy train conductor for her family) surrounded by the usual drugs and alcohol and people who want to be your "friend" because you're famous. It sounds horrible, if you're asking me.

Then she gets a DUI. Then another. Somewhere along the line I'm pretty sure she wrecked at least one Mercedes. And I know that cocaine was involved at least once. And she was arrested. And the list goes on. And on. And on. Oh, and most of this was before she turned 21. Nice.

And I'll be the first to admit, I was calling Vegas hoping that some sports book had odds on when she was finally going to do herself in. (I was looking to put down at least $20 on an Over/Under bet as to whether or not she lives to be 30. I really wanted the Unders.) Remember for a while there how it was Lindsay and Paris Hilton and Britney Spears all just crashing and burning at the same time? (My God, you couldn't go 10 minutes without hearing about the fiasco du jour from the diva du jour for like 6 months straight.) Turns out, Brit might be the one who is the most off the path these days. Who knew? (Paris Hilton is just dumber than a box of hair, so we never expected much from her. And I see that as a good thing, actually, because if you think about it, what would we expect from her? Ugh.)

But back to Lindsay. Lately? Not so much of a train wreck. Not even really so much of a train. She seems to be the kinder, gentler Lindsay. The Lindsay that no one knew was in there. I don't think that even she knew she was in there. How could you when you're surrounded with the environment that she was? Actually, she kind of still is in that environment. So what's changed? Why the different Lindsay?

While there hasn't been any official-official confirmation (but loads of speculation), it would appear that our little Lindsay has become quite smitten with another individual. One who appears to have become quite smitten with her as well. They seem to spend an awful lot of time together, they seem to be happy when they're seen in public together and it would seem as if they are 'together'. But no one's saying for sure. Why not? Because the alleged object of Lindsay's affection is another chick.

DJ (yes, a DJ) Samantha Ronson (who looks a bit like the Superman antagonist Mxyzptlk) has been constantly with Lindsay for the better part of about a year now. A few photos have surfaced here and there of them "kind of" kissing. The day after her 22nd birthday, she called Ryan Seacrest's radio show (who better to not talk to about not being gay?) and told him that she'd like to "spend the next year being with the person that I care about." Do you think that Ryan was able to strap on a set of balls and ask who that might be? Of course not. (I don't know necessarily that he should have asked. But I do like making fun of little closeted gay Ryan Seacrest.) But what she said says a lot.

I don't know a lot about Samantha Ronson. Hell, I don't know a lot about DJs in general. But I know that Lindsay was a disaster waiting to happen just a little over a year ago. And I know that lately, when I see photos of her in the tabloids, they're not mugshot photos. And I know that she looks a lot better in the non-mugshot photos of late than she did when she was on a diet of Red Bull, vodka and cocaine. And as I briefly skim through uninteresting stories about how her and Ronson were grocery shopping together, I know that it seems normal. It seems like it's the most normal her life has ever been. And good for her.


And maybe she is gay and maybe she isn't gay, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure that it's not important. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't need to come bounding out of the hypothetical closet simply to satisfy the curiosities of others or to make some sort of statement or to act as the unofficial, but publicly appointed poster child for 'Gay is OK'. (And I don't mean Oklahoma.) That there is so much speculation about if she "is" or "isn't" makes it pretty obvious as to just how much people are missing the point. (And it also hammers home the reality that the tabloids are just in it for the exploitation of celebrity.

Look, she isn't crashing her vehicles into lampposts and getting strung out on coke and being arrested for DUI because of one reason. (Well, kind of two, but they're really sort of the same.) So here it is: She's freaking happy. (AND, probably for the first time in her life, she feels like someone actually loves her just because of who she is and NOT because she's Lindsay Lohan. That has to be an incredible relief.) And for as interested as people were in why she was such a train wreck, I find it amazing (but not totally shocking) that people can't pay attention to what it is that's really important to people and can make such a big difference in their lives. (But again, people are morons, so what do I expect?)

And I don't know if she's gay or not. And I really don't care. If she feels like she wants to tell the world that she's gay (IF she is), that's up to her. (But Lindsay, since I know you're reading this right now, I'm going to have to advise against it for now. Just enjoy your new found inner peace and happiness. And don't screw it up and make me look like an idiot for thinking that.)



I really don't know what it was that provoked my Lindsay Lohan diatribe today. I don't know, maybe I'm just happy for someone who can find that kind of happiness with someone else. I do know that if I had been able to put my $20 down on the Unders, I'd be pretty happy to lose that bet.

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