Friday, July 18, 2008

It's Not THAT Hot Out

Look, I know it's hot outside. It's July. It's supposed to be hot. (And not because of "global warming". Just because of "July".) But that's no excuse. For anything. Let alone...well....this.

According to the Springfield News Sun, in Dayton (that's in Ohio) when a bunch of restaurant workers arrived for work, they were greeted by one of the neighbors who was sitting on his porch. Nude. And masturbating.

They, naturally, called the police. The police arrived and, lo and behold (brother and sister of flora and fauna) there was the man, a one John C. Hibbitts. On his porch. Still nude. Still masturbating. Being police officers (who are clearly not paid anywhere near enough what they should be when it comes to dealing with stuff like this), they asked the man what he was doing. (Yes, I'm sure that they did KNOW what he was doing. That sort of thing, well, you know. It kind of speaks for itself. NO! It doesn't really speak. Good Lord, if that were the case, they wouldn't have called the cops, they would have called the circus.)

His reply? "It's OK. I'm a nudist. It's hot out." Wait. What?

Eight little words, yet with so many things wrong them. First of all, it is NOT OK. I swear. It is NOT OK to be doing...that on your porch, for cryin' out loud! Second, you're only a nudist if you're in a place where it's OK to be a nudist. A place like a nudist camp, for example. Or a nudist beach. Those are places where you can have no clothes on and be a nudist and it will be perfectly OK. If you're on your porch without any clothes on and you say you're a nudist, you're not. You're just a perverted naked guy who's sitting on his porch.

Finally, while I'm going to assume that you have spent a great deal of time honing your craft there, I'm also going to assume that regardless as to the level of prowess which you may have achieved through your assumed diligence over the years (or over breakfast, in this case. Apparently.), I highly doubt that you are able to do so in such a fashion that it would suffice enough as to generate a small breeze which would cool you down on a hot day! It's not a wind turbine, sir! (And no one needs OR wants alternative energy badly enough to have it generated like that!)

This little incident gives a whole new meaning to the term "heat stroke", by the way.

Of course, the five words that usually explain things like this were applicable. Those words being "alcohol may have been involved". The indicator was the half empty 40-ounce container of alcohol out there on the porch with Mr. Hibbitts and Mr. Spanky.

It was after the man got dressed that the police arrested him and charged him with public indecency. I hope that cop car was air conditioned. It's hot out, you know.

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