Wrong Knob! Wrong Knob!

I love Sweden's news in English. I love it even more when it involves big rig truck accidents coupled with a driver under the influence and just the right amount of masturbation. Wait. What?

From The Local - Sweden's News in English, we learn of "A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs." Now, the only reason that this suspicion was brought to the attention of authorities was because said trucker actually ended up crashing his vehicle at some juncture in western Sweden. The article nonchalantly continued with, "He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident." Subsequent to what, exactly?? And is that what they're calling it in Sweden these days? "The influence of drugs"? I don't think that they are!

But see, here's the problem when you crash your big rig during a moment of intense personal pleasurement: Once you've caused that sort of an accident, you're really going to have your hands full! (Pun totally intended. As will be all of the subsequent puns that you'll run across here.) I mean, what do you do if you have this whole accident dealio to tend to, but you haven't quite finished your previous commitments, if you know what I mean. (Of course you do. This is a story about a masturbating trucker whose shipment had gone awry, of course you know what I mean!) Well, if you're this trucker, you don't let a little thing like a flipped truck and trailer deter you. You just keep right on going about your business. Good Lord. What?

Correct. The man overturns his truck, blocks all lanes of traffic going one direction, blocks one lane of traffic going the opposite direction and what does he do? "The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick..." And with writing like that, how can one not love Sweden's news in English? You can't! You've gotta love it. Not quite as much as this trucker guy was loving himself, but be very fond of it at least!

According to something referred to as "the local Borås Tidning newspaper", "The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation." OK. Wait a minute! WHAT?!

Continued?! Continued to pleasure?! That's not a lot of pleasure for those doing the interrogating!! Here's my first question during such an interrogation: "What the hell is wrong with you?!" It's followed closely by my second question in that same scenario, that being, "Do you want to stop doing that or do you want me to beat you senseless with this stick that I'm always carrying around with me?" That's how my interrogation begins in that situation! Of course, this scenario only holds true provided the man is wearing pants. If he is de-pants, pantless, or in any other state of being unclad over the nether regions, then my first question is no longer a question, it's a statement. That being "Put on your damn pants!"

A police prosecutor, a one Åsa Askenbäck, is quoted as saying, "He was masturbating while the police interrogated him." And again, my question is WHY?? WHY was he doing that?! Because let me tell you, if I'M there? Oh, he is so NOT doing that during the interrogation! NOT so much! How does one even conduct an investigation or an interrogation with someone doing...that in the midst of said process? What were the authorities doing? Shielding their eyes? Did they turn their backs? What? Are they looking in the other direction AND interrogating? "Um, sir, I'm just going to look over here while you finish up your date night there. So, can you tell me what happened? Was the crash before or after all of the masturbation?" "Can you tell me how long you've been a masturbating truck driver?" What is wrong with Sweden's policemen in Sweden?!

The same police prosecutor is quoted as also saying, "He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road." Oh, do you think?! Not paying full attention at the time of the accident?! Hell, he wasn't paying full attention at the time of the interrogation! And for the same reason! I'm not even sure why the interrogation was necessary. Here you have a truck, all flipped over and blocking traffic, and a truck driver who can't even take the time to get out of the truck because he's too busy finishing off what I'm sure was a simply lovely evening! Perhaps things got a bit out of hand when he found himself telling himself, "Faster! Faster!"

Here's the thing (well, one of them): The truck flips over. Unless this man has the concentration of David Blaine, not to mention extremely agile dexterity, I find it hard to believe that he wasn't at least temporarily disengaged from his prior engagement. So he's manuevering his own gear shift knob there, the truck flips over, gets all bent over traffic lanes, and then he just calmly goes back to doing what he was doing?!?! While I can appreciate the attentiveness to the details there, I'd really appreciate it a bit more if your details didn't involve his own penis!

But in a bizarre twist that I did not see coming, "The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation." Sexual molestation? Of what? Himself?!! Is that actually a crime in Sweden? What if you're in a truck? Is it a crime then?? I don't understand that at all.

But I do understand that "The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him." I'm sure that there will be a stiff fine associated with that one. He could be doling out money for this one hand over fist.

Sphere: Related Content

It's Not THAT Hot Out

Look, I know it's hot outside. It's July. It's supposed to be hot. (And not because of "global warming". Just because of "July".) But that's no excuse. For anything. Let alone...well....this.

According to the Springfield News Sun, in Dayton (that's in Ohio) when a bunch of restaurant workers arrived for work, they were greeted by one of the neighbors who was sitting on his porch. Nude. And masturbating.

They, naturally, called the police. The police arrived and, lo and behold (brother and sister of flora and fauna) there was the man, a one John C. Hibbitts. On his porch. Still nude. Still masturbating. Being police officers (who are clearly not paid anywhere near enough what they should be when it comes to dealing with stuff like this), they asked the man what he was doing. (Yes, I'm sure that they did KNOW what he was doing. That sort of thing, well, you know. It kind of speaks for itself. NO! It doesn't really speak. Good Lord, if that were the case, they wouldn't have called the cops, they would have called the circus.)

His reply? "It's OK. I'm a nudist. It's hot out." Wait. What?

Eight little words, yet with so many things wrong them. First of all, it is NOT OK. I swear. It is NOT OK to be doing...that on your porch, for cryin' out loud! Second, you're only a nudist if you're in a place where it's OK to be a nudist. A place like a nudist camp, for example. Or a nudist beach. Those are places where you can have no clothes on and be a nudist and it will be perfectly OK. If you're on your porch without any clothes on and you say you're a nudist, you're not. You're just a perverted naked guy who's sitting on his porch.

Finally, while I'm going to assume that you have spent a great deal of time honing your craft there, I'm also going to assume that regardless as to the level of prowess which you may have achieved through your assumed diligence over the years (or over breakfast, in this case. Apparently.), I highly doubt that you are able to do so in such a fashion that it would suffice enough as to generate a small breeze which would cool you down on a hot day! It's not a wind turbine, sir! (And no one needs OR wants alternative energy badly enough to have it generated like that!)

This little incident gives a whole new meaning to the term "heat stroke", by the way.

Of course, the five words that usually explain things like this were applicable. Those words being "alcohol may have been involved". The indicator was the half empty 40-ounce container of alcohol out there on the porch with Mr. Hibbitts and Mr. Spanky.

It was after the man got dressed that the police arrested him and charged him with public indecency. I hope that cop car was air conditioned. It's hot out, you know.

Sphere: Related Content

Avyeq, The Masturbating Walrus

A moment of silence please. There's been a death. The death of a legend. Let's all just pause a moment to remember, Ayveq. Um, who? Ayveq. Ayveq the walrus?! The one at the New York Aquarium?! Any of this ringing a bell for you? Come on! Ayveq, the walrus whose strange and compelling masturbatory ways turned him into an international sensation. Wait. His what?

Correct. Ayveq, the 14-year old masturbating walrus at the New York Aquarium has died, most likely of a "massive bacterial infection", according to someone who knows a thing or two about walruses (and probably a little more about bacterial infections), I would guess. According to The Brooklyn Paper, Ayveq was well-liked (mostly by himself, apparently) even before he began demonstrating the "habit that would make him a star." Yep. Walrus porn. A diddlin' walrus. Hot stuff over there in Brooklyn. The Paper also said that his "frequent pubic public self-gratification made him the Coney Island institution's singular attraction." Well, I am glad it was just a "singular" attraction. At least THAT seems normal. (But really? A masturbating walrus was more of a draw than that Nathan's hot dog eating contest at Coney Island every 4th of July? Really?)

(By the way, The Brooklyn Paper is one of only a couple of news outlets that reported on this story that told it like it was. There were some instances of this story without a single mention of masturbation, self gratification or even walrus wanker. So thanks a lot, Brooklyn Paper guys, for giving all of us the truth about large aquatic mammals that frequently pleasure themselves in front of onlookers. If it weren't for you guys, I may have completely overlooked this story that just tugs at heartstrings. And tugs at a few other things as well).

According to the director of the Aquarium, a one Jon Forrest Dohlin, "He was an absolute delight. (Again, mostly to himself.) He had a magnetism and a charm that was totally his own. He loved people and he knew how to work a crowd and entertain guests. He did have a raffish charm, no doubt about that." Oh, there seemed to be a "magnetism" all right. Just like a magnet, his flipper was pulled into, well, that region more often than most would care to think about. And as far as his knowing how to "work a crowd", I don't know about that one. He knew how to work something, that's quite clear. He was workin' it! But the crowd? I don't think he was doing it so much for their enjoyment, hence the term "self gratification". (Oh, and the term "raffish" that was used by the guy in charge of the Aquarium? Yeah, who knew? Anyway, the word "raffish" means "to be suggestive of flashy vulgarity or crudeness." Thus it would appear that a "masturbating walrus" is actually THE VERY definition of "raffish" in it's whole and unadulterated form. From now on, when you hear "raffish" you'll think "walrus wanker whacking". I'm sure of it.)

The folks at the Aquarium said that they knew something was wrong on Sunday. "...we could see that he was not right," said Jon. Not right? What? His flipper wasn't Freeing his Willy that day? I find it amusing that when the walrus was NOT masturbating, something was wrong, but if he WAS masturbating, it was like, "Oh, thank God! He's touching it! He's fine. He's fine." Well, whatever it was that was "not right", it never did "right" itself, and ol' Ayveq was dead within a week. ::sniff::

The name "Ayveq" means, unoriginally enough, "walrus" in Siberian Yupik. "Siberian Yupik" is the language of the equally unoriginal Siberian Yupik tribe of Eskimos. A fascinating culture I'm sure, but without a lick of imagination from what I can tell right there.

Now, I realize that at least 3 of the 6 of you that read this blog might be somewhat interested in what, exactly, walrus masturbation consists of (other than at least one flipper and, well....that). And the other 3 of the 6 of your ARE interested, but would never say that you're interested. (Cowards.) So, I'm going to pretend as if I actually have some better judgement and that way I can say that this probably goes against it. Behold! Avyeq, the masturbatory walrus. We shall miss ye, oh, touchy feely one. We shall miss ye. (Warning: It's not what you might think of as a "typical" walrus masturbatory practice. It MAY shock you. It shocked the hell out of me. And I don't even have one of those.)

Sphere: Related Content