Saturday, June 28, 2008

Avyeq, The Masturbating Walrus

A moment of silence please. There's been a death. The death of a legend. Let's all just pause a moment to remember, Ayveq. Um, who? Ayveq. Ayveq the walrus?! The one at the New York Aquarium?! Any of this ringing a bell for you? Come on! Ayveq, the walrus whose strange and compelling masturbatory ways turned him into an international sensation. Wait. His what?

Correct. Ayveq, the 14-year old masturbating walrus at the New York Aquarium has died, most likely of a "massive bacterial infection", according to someone who knows a thing or two about walruses (and probably a little more about bacterial infections), I would guess. According to The Brooklyn Paper, Ayveq was well-liked (mostly by himself, apparently) even before he began demonstrating the "habit that would make him a star." Yep. Walrus porn. A diddlin' walrus. Hot stuff over there in Brooklyn. The Paper also said that his "frequent pubic public self-gratification made him the Coney Island institution's singular attraction." Well, I am glad it was just a "singular" attraction. At least THAT seems normal. (But really? A masturbating walrus was more of a draw than that Nathan's hot dog eating contest at Coney Island every 4th of July? Really?)

(By the way, The Brooklyn Paper is one of only a couple of news outlets that reported on this story that told it like it was. There were some instances of this story without a single mention of masturbation, self gratification or even walrus wanker. So thanks a lot, Brooklyn Paper guys, for giving all of us the truth about large aquatic mammals that frequently pleasure themselves in front of onlookers. If it weren't for you guys, I may have completely overlooked this story that just tugs at heartstrings. And tugs at a few other things as well).


According to the director of the Aquarium, a one Jon Forrest Dohlin, "He was an absolute delight. (Again, mostly to himself.) He had a magnetism and a charm that was totally his own. He loved people and he knew how to work a crowd and entertain guests. He did have a raffish charm, no doubt about that." Oh, there seemed to be a "magnetism" all right. Just like a magnet, his flipper was pulled into, well, that region more often than most would care to think about. And as far as his knowing how to "work a crowd", I don't know about that one. He knew how to work something, that's quite clear. He was workin' it! But the crowd? I don't think he was doing it so much for their enjoyment, hence the term "self gratification". (Oh, and the term "raffish" that was used by the guy in charge of the Aquarium? Yeah, who knew? Anyway, the word "raffish" means "to be suggestive of flashy vulgarity or crudeness." Thus it would appear that a "masturbating walrus" is actually THE VERY definition of "raffish" in it's whole and unadulterated form. From now on, when you hear "raffish" you'll think "walrus wanker whacking". I'm sure of it.)

The folks at the Aquarium said that they knew something was wrong on Sunday. "...we could see that he was not right," said Jon. Not right? What? His flipper wasn't Freeing his Willy that day? I find it amusing that when the walrus was NOT masturbating, something was wrong, but if he WAS masturbating, it was like, "Oh, thank God! He's touching it! He's fine. He's fine." Well, whatever it was that was "not right", it never did "right" itself, and ol' Ayveq was dead within a week. ::sniff::

The name "Ayveq" means, unoriginally enough, "walrus" in Siberian Yupik. "Siberian Yupik" is the language of the equally unoriginal Siberian Yupik tribe of Eskimos. A fascinating culture I'm sure, but without a lick of imagination from what I can tell right there.

Now, I realize that at least 3 of the 6 of you that read this blog might be somewhat interested in what, exactly, walrus masturbation consists of (other than at least one flipper and, well....that). And the other 3 of the 6 of your ARE interested, but would never say that you're interested. (Cowards.) So, I'm going to pretend as if I actually have some better judgement and that way I can say that this probably goes against it. Behold! Avyeq, the masturbatory walrus. We shall miss ye, oh, touchy feely one. We shall miss ye. (Warning: It's not what you might think of as a "typical" walrus masturbatory practice. It MAY shock you. It shocked the hell out of me. And I don't even have one of those.)



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