Sunday, June 15, 2008

Your 2008 OBL Update

Where in the world is Osama bin Laden? That's the question. We (and by "we" I mean the US and everyone else who isn't sympathetic to the OBL) have been looking for Weird Beard ever since Sept. 11, 2001 for reasons that I see no need to reiterate again. I think by now we're all WELL aware of why we're looking for the dude. So where the hell is he? Sadly, not in hell yet.

The OBL is a rare breed, almost never seen outside in the wild. In an effort to learn more about this elusive, babbling, sand dwelling creature, MSNBC consulted someone who claims to be an "expert" on these sorts of creatures. (At least, that's what the business card said.)

According to MSNBC, a "Western military analyst" (aka the WMA), when asked about OBL's whereabouts stated, "We don't have a clue where he is or even may be." I see. Anything else? “We have had NO credible intelligence on OBL since 2001. All the rest is rumor and rubbish either whipped up by the media or churned out in the power corridors of western capitals." (Mmmm...whipped rubbish.) (By the way, what's a "power corridor"? I know power strip, power surge, power trip, power plant, power to the people, down with power, flower power, Power Bar and a host of others, but I am unfamiliar with the term "power corridor".) Huh. Well. Hard to know where to go from there, eh?

The WMA did have a few things to add about OBL's lifestyle, travelling procedures, his role in al (Bundy) Qaida, etc. Thus, today we shall study the mysterious creature known as Weird Beard by taking a gander at some of the suspected traits of this elusive species:
  • Contrary to what you may have heard, the OBL does not live in a cave and he does not live under a rock. He apparently lives in one of the many mud-walled compounds that run along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, or as I like to refer to them, The Stans. (He does not live there in a boat. He does not live there in a moat. He does not live there, Sam, I Am. bin Laden lives in Pak-i-stan.)

  • Although the OBL is usually thought of as a nomadic creature, it is believed by some that he does NOT move all that often. The OBL is believed to stay in areas for extended periods of time, so long, in some cases, that some of the security personnel have married into some of the local villagers or clanswomen. (That IS a long time.) It used to be that when the OBL would migrate, he would feel the need to do so as if he were the Pope (if the Pope were crazy and wanted to kill all Westerners). He required a large convoy consisting of several trucks. HIS truck was the white Mitsubishi Pajero that was always surrounded by a plethora of Toyota Tundras. (What? No Fords? Shocking.) But the days of the terrorist caravan are long gone and now Weird Beard travels mainly late at night, in the hours after the sunset prayers (also known as the 543rd prayer of the day) on motorbikes. Oh, living the high life he is. (The OBL, cloaked by the dark of night, moves stealthily on his little putt-putt moped through the border villages of Pakistan. Sounds glamorous, doesn't it?) Although, I guess he probably wouldn't need a helmet would he? He's got that turban thing to cushion the blow should he tip over.

  • The current health status of the OBL is speculative at best, but here it is anyway: The OBL is approximately 50 years old with a birthday somewhere around March 10th. So he's a Pisces. Ironic, considering that the OBL lives in a freaking desert. (What do you get for the terrorist who has nothing? I'm thinking a few strategically placed bullets would be most appropriate. Is there a Wal-Mart in Pakistan where we can pick up some ammo?)

  • It had been rumored that the OBL had kidney problems which required dialysis. Let's just think about that for a moment. The guy lives in the middle of the desert and travels by motorbike at night from village to village. I don't think that daily dialysis would be in the cards for this guy. And neither do a lot of the WMAs. The OBL has had kidney stones and is also a bit of a hypochondriac. (I find that hil-arious for some reason. Most hypochondriacs behave in such a manner because they want attention. Um, I think that right after that first plane hit the building, he had plenty of attention. No need to play sick so you don't have to go to school the next morning.)

  • The OBL is missing a toe which he lost in a battle against the Soviets. (What the hell? The Great Terrorist-Soviet Toe War? How do you lose a TOE in a battle? He's probably lying. He probably cut it off himself. Maybe he thought his toe was an infidel.) He also has an enlarged heart and low blood pressure. (So if you see a guy in a cave in Pakistan with a blood pressure cuff and a bulging chest, you might want to alert authorities.)

  • The height of the OBL is up for debate, with the generally accepted height of the OBL being 6'5". But don't let that stop you. According to an "intelligence official", here's what you do if you're not sure of an OBL sighting," If you see a guy who is 6’4” tall and looks like him, kill him.” Excellent. Good to know, sir!

  • The OBL seems to always wear a cheap, plastic, digital watch. For some reason, I find it amusing. I mean, he has that thing on ALL the time. Always. Why?! Why does he need it on ALL the time? Why is the time so important to this guy? (Why is it so important to anyone who would never take the damn thing off? I don't get it.)

  • The OBL travels with security that is directed by his brother-in-law. (Go figure. He can get along with his in-laws, but not Western society. Whatever.) There are plenty of security personnel employed by Weird Beard to go around and they all have orders that they are to make him a "martyr" is he is about to be captured. (Translation: Shoot me now.) And that sentiment seems to be the popular one, as that is the US position on what to do with Weird Beard if we get him in our sights. And that he has 52 children makes it fairly simple to obtain some DNA samples to compare the DNA of a suspected OBL should one ever be captured or blasted straight into hell.

  • According to MSNBC, the importance of the OBL "is more of a titular, inspirational leader". (Funny, I would have pegged him for more of an ass man. What? Oh, titular! Never mind. I was thinking of something else. Continue.) The OBL has an underling, Weird Beard II, also known as Zawahiri. Zawahiri is like the OBLs CEO. This enables the OBL to hide in his caves without having to worry about running his terrorist organization simultaneously. Having Zawahiri definitely frees up a lot of the OBLs spare time.

  • The OBL and Zawahiri do not travel together. (They don't have to do everything together. They're not Bert and Ernie!) I suspect that's for the same reason that Bush and Cheney don't travel together (only with the OBL and Zawahiri, it's not quite as serious as having both Bush and Cheney get offed and the US ending up with Nancy Pelosi as it's President. God help us all.).

And that's what we know about the oh-so elusive OBL.

The hope is that one day we'll be able to have the OBL's head on a stick (it could be used as a lawn ornament to replace to pink plastic flamingos that the neighbor's dog peed on). And while that would be a joyful day for all, I don't see it happening any time soon. But until it does (and we have to think it's just a matter of "when") we're going to have to make due with Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. At least Achmed (that's pronounced Ah-HAKKK-med. Spelled A-C-H-phlegm-E-D) makes us laugh because he shows us the ridiculousness of the terrorist mindset and that type of thinking. So good luck with those 72 virgins you think you're getting, Weird Beard. Just remember, no one ever said that they were going to be female.

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