Saturday, June 21, 2008

All Prison, All Sex, All The Time

Prison. It has to be rough if you're in prison. Oh, not that it's not usually your own damn fault that you're there, because it is. The point is that it's not supposed to be "pleasant". But you're not supposed to be "totally deprived" of things that you "need" when you're there. And in Paraguay, the inmates at the Esperanza prison (that's in Paraguay) were so torqued over their "unjust" treatment that they rioted. Yep. The inmates seized the director of the prison and a bunch of the other administration staff and they took over the prison and gave them a list of demands. Their biggest gripe? That's right. Not enough sex. Wait. What?

Correct. Apparently, if you're in prison in Paraguay, you're not going to need to find yourself a "bitch". You can have your bitch from the free world come over and you can sex her up...during the day, no less! But see, over in Esperanza, the prisoners run small businesses inside the prison. Businesses like clothing factories. (I don't know what all that's about either. What happened to license plate making and working in the quarry with a big steel ball chained to your leg?) And those businesses operate during the day and well, you guessed it, all of that work is getting in the way of having all the sex.

And it's not like the prison doesn't have a complaint policy and procedures. They do. Come on, what a stupid thing for a prison to do if they didn't have one! I can't imagine a prison doing something so stupid. (Oh, wait. May-be I CAN.) According to our friends over there across the pond at the Telegraph, "Prisoners said they had complained that work was getting in the way of pleasure, but had not been heard by administrators, so they decided to riot." Of course they did. Well, it seems as if they went through the proper channels and all but, being prisoners, they just weren't accustomed to not getting their way. Thus, the riot ensued. To the right is a picture of the riot organizers. Not exactly what I think of when I think of prisoners. It's what I think of when I think of those who are "Pre-prisoners" or "Prisoner Potential", but not actual prisoners. No, not so much.

The Paraguayan justice minister, a one Derlis Osorio, said that the riot ended without any deaths or injuries about four hours after it started. I'm going to assume that the riot ended right around the time when the prison official decided to give the inmates more conjugal visits during the day that would fall outside of their working hours. They also promised that they would investigate other claims of abuse and to improve how the guards treated the inmates. (Apparently, being allowed to have sex so that it doesn't interfere with your job when you're in prison isn't nice enough. What do they want? Flowers?) They also said that they are going to "end the regime of strip searches of visitors." Of course. What could possibly go wrong with that policy change?

And although the prison agreed to make more time for all the sex, it wasn't clear if that would incorporate the item that was at the top of the inmate's "Wish List", night time conjugal visits. Huh.

Now, I don't know about you, but me, well, my job has never made room for sex. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've been screwed plenty of times at work. Plenty. But not in the pleasurable sense and certainly not in the most requested sense. Nope, not at all. So I find it unfortunate and a bit disconcerting that if you would like a job that will allocate time during the day (and presumably during your shift) so that you can go off and have a little naked frolic with a loved one (or a liked one. Or just one who will do it with you. It's sex! How choosy are you going to be?!), you're going to have to be in prison in Paraguay to get such a perk.

And while there are things that could be thought of as "perks" in prison (you never have to think about what to wear, never have to go grocery shopping, the days are pretty much planned out for you, you can't get evicted, things like that), I really don't think that sex should be one of them. Ever. I don't care where you are. Even if you're in Paraguay. You should have to suffer without sex just like the rest of us who haven't broken the law do. Or at the very least, make 'em dance like those guys in the Philippines. (Boy, when they get wind of this, during breaks from rehearsing their next choreographed dance number, they're going to be pissed. "They're having sex in Paraguay and I'm in this orange jumpsuit dancing to some song from 'Sister Act' (complete with nun w/habit)? Riot! Riot NOW!"

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