Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Rock, Bottle, Fish, Pe.....???



Given the nature of this incident, it may surprise you that it didn't take place in Florida. No, this fine example of ill advised confrontational behavior comes to you from Fredericksburg, VA.

It would seem that a guy, his girlfriend and another friend were in the girlfriend's SUV and stopped to get gas. The friend that was pumping the gas became the target of some guy who walked out of the convenience store where all of the gas pumping was going on and "verbally challenged" him. (Verbally challenged him to do what? Pump faster than he could? Spin that pump around like you're pumping gas in the Wild West and then slam it into your holster? I don't get it.) I guess the guy didn't get it either because he didn't respond. That's when the Unknown Challenger threw a rock at the guy and hit him in the neck. Brilliant.

Well, naturally, this ticked off Gas Pumping Guy who went towards Rock Throwing Unknown Challenger. Rock Throwing Unknown Challenger reached into his car and pulled out his next weapon of choice. A fish. Wait. What?

Yes, he pulled out a fish and threw it at Gas Pumping Guy and hit him in the face with the fish. That's when things start to get weird.

He then reaches back into his car and pulls out a beer bottle and throws THAT at the SUV. Geez, this guy's car is like a magician's hat! He reaches in and pulls out something different every time. A rock! A beer bottle! A fish! What's next?! Oh, you shouldn't have asked. Now it has to be clear to you by now that this man is clearly a genius and obviously knows what he's doing. So, just think for a minute. What would logically come next in this sequence: Rock. Fish. Bottle.........??? Well, if you answered "penis" you are correct! Wait. Wait! Wait!! WTF?!?!

Yes, apparently the next logical thing for this guy to do was to pull his pants down and whip it around a bit before taking off "in a blue car". (He should have stuck with the fish.) OK, who in the hell does stuff like this?! HOW is that anything that anyone would even THINK of doing. "Hmmm...let's see....I've thrown a rock and a bottle....I've hit him in the face with a fish.....What next?....I know, I'll show him my penis!" No! Dude, one of those things is not like the others! (And while you might be tempted to say the fish, it's not! It's the penis! The penis is not like the others!)

The store's surveillance camera was able to record what the guy looked like when he was inside the store. (Sadly, no video of the rock throwing, bottle hurling, marine life slapping, penis waving portion of the afternoon.) And Einstein over there on the left was later identified as Marcellus Coleman, 21 and a resident of Fredericksburg. (Ah, I'm sure his mother is proud.)

They eventually found him as you would expect a man of this sort of character to be found...hiding in an abandoned house somewhere. He was charged with malicious wounding, indecent exposure and destruction of property. And he was later charged with simple assault when, as he was in handcuffs and being led to the police car, he spit on a guy that was standing there. He's now being held without bail. Fish everywhere rejoice.

They should have also charged him with cruelty to animals for the fish incident. Or at least with battery. Mmmm....battered fish.

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