Monday, June 2, 2008

Ask Bossy, Axe Abby

Dear Abby, Your column seems to be a big, fat, waste of my time. But not just mine. I'd imagine anyone who takes the time to read it is wasting theirs as well. Do people really write those letters to you? Because some of them sound pretty lame. If you're going to make up letters, and I'm not suggesting that you do or that you are (though, come on. You're not even the "real" "Dear Abby". You're just the heir or the offspring or both, in your case.), could you at least take a few lessons from Ask Bossy down under in Australia? Her column rules. And I don't know if she's making that stuff up or not either, but it's a heck of a lot more interesting that reading about someone's mother-in-law who calls her son every Friday at noon. Signed, Bloggy Mare.

Seriously, I have just discovered the type of people who write to advice columnists in Australia and I have to tell you, they have issues. And I love them for it because they're good! And that Bossy lady? She's good too! Bossy, by the way, is Kate de Brito and according to her profile, "Ask Bossy is no-holds-barred advice from modern-day agony aunt, psychotherapist and journalist, Kate de Brito. It's the sort of advice friends and relatives are too polite to give." Excellent! Here's how it goes...

I just happened to catch a glimpse of some of her latest posts on the side of a web page I was looking at. Below are just a few of the "Latest Topics", complete with my commentary (but Bossy's replies are much better):
  • Is it OK to lie to get a girl in bed? (Who's the girl?)

  • If I end it will she tell my friends I'm a dud in the sack? (And those who are not your friends and all total strangers she encounters daily.)

  • Should I tell my son his mother is a tramp? (Like the Charlie Chaplin kind? Sure. Like the Paris Hilton kind? No.)

  • Is it ethically wrong to backstab my co-workers? (If you're asking that question, you have no ethics.)

  • I'm having an affair - minus the sex. (Um, you're doing it wrong.)

  • I plan to travel until my money runs out and then kill myself; is that wrong? (Hey, I've had a few vacations where I was ready to off myself before they were over. At least you're willing to wait until the end.)

  • I read my friend's email and found out she hates me. (Could be worse. You could have read your mother's email and found out she hates you too.)

  • How do I tell my workmate she smells? (Yo, stinky!)

Those are just a small sampling! She also has something that she calls "Fruitcake Friday" and I don't think that it involves those unwanted holiday mystery dessert loaves either.

The guy who wanted to know if it was OK to lie to a girl to get her into bed had this to say: "To illustrate, if in the lead-up to and during horizontal folk dancing a bloke was to use the “love” word as in “I love you” with the seemingly appropriate measure of sincerity, is he believed? ... As a bloke it’s in my DNA to lie to women. It’s not as if women never lie to many thousand lovers have you had??? - Less cars go through the Harbour tunnel each month (not you personally Kate).

Well, OK then. And Bossy's reply? I'll paraphrase it just a bit, but it goes something like this: "Mr T, I am an old-fashioned kind of gal. I believe “I love you” should be reserved for people you actually love.....When all is said and done I don’t think saying “I love you” is just a nice compliment during foreplay. If you wanted to give her a compliment you’d tell her that her hair looks nice or you like her shoes....Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being prudish about the sex part. I just think people who habitually break promises are a bit of a waste of time. You’re not trustworthy; and your word has less value than your discarded condom....I think you should think about the person you want to be, Mr T. Life is not just all about getting what you want, when you want it. It’s about being able to look yourself in the mirror. Can you?" Not bad, Bossy. Not bad. What else ya got? How about the guy who wants to know if his girlfriend is going to tell everyone that he sucks in bed?

"I am single 30 something male, some would call me a catch, I’m good looking, own my own home, have a great career etc. Last year one of my friend’s set me up on a group date thing with a girl who turned out to be this incredibly hot Latino, she’s ridiculously sexy and has the most amazing body I have ever seen.....Here’s the other thing I want to end it with her, I can’t stand her personality, she says very strange things, has no ambition or goals in life, rents a very small unit, drives a bomb and can’t seem to hold down a steady job.She is very persistent about seeing me, she will call me and text me, and has even been known to just drop by my house if she’s in the area.I want to break it off with her and am now worried that as soon as it’s over she will tell my mate and his wife about “how bad” I am in bed and they’ll tell all of our mutual friends."

The ego is a funny thing isn't it?...You can keep going out with her, hating every minute of it until you get your little problem under control and prove to her you are indeed a big man in the sack and then dump her, or you can just be a big boy full stop and tell her you think it’s not working out....So what if she tells your mutual friends and they laugh at you? Do you really care? And don’t you think that after five minutes they’ll have better things to talk about than your early emissions?.... People who don’t bitch or gossip usually don’t fear it like people who do....End it with this girl gently and kindly and show yourself to be a man of good standing by not talking about the affair once it’s over, or at least not the private and personal details. Treat people as you would want to be treated. You’d be surprised how well it works." Wow. OK.

And just for a little perspective here, let's see what Dear Abby had on tap er this morning. "Dear Abby, We recently moved into our dream house. We bought it from an elderly man who had lived there alone after his wife died seven years ago. While exploring the property, we found a small gravestone with the name "Sparkle" engraved on it. We assume this was a former pet of the owner, but he never mentioned it to us. Some of us want to dig it up and see what is really buried there. Others think we should just remove the stone. Or should we let it stay where it is?" Oh, for cryin' out loud, are you kidding me?!

You "assume" it was a former pet? What the heck else would it be? Unless you think the guy was a serial killer who specialized in knocking off strippers. Were there any other headstones with names like "Bambi", "Crystal" or "Candee"? If not, then I think it's safe to say "Sparkle" was a pet. Is the old guy obligated to tell you everything? I think his only obligation was to move out after you bought his house. Geez, woman, you can't figure this one out on your own? And geez, Abby, your answer was "Take a vote?" A vote on what? Whether or not that question and that answer sucked? OK, fine, I vote yes, they did. Now will you stop?

Ask Bossy has earned herself linkage on the right side of this blog. (Dear Abby, on the other hand, has not.) Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are when she posts new dirt. (And yes, that is Kate over there on the left. Not bad, eh? I love it when smart chicks with glasses take them off, because they're usually really hot. Well, at least one of them is.)

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