Monday, June 9, 2008

Jovial Ja-ckovery

Newspaper headlines aren't going to write themselves, which means that someone is going to be stuck with that job. And some headlines would be easier to write than others, I'll give you that. But there are times when you're really going to have to be creative. For the guy who wrote the following headline, it was not one of those times. From the fine folks down there at the Northwest Florida Daily News we have this winner:

Neighbors: Man masturbated, laughed at us

Wait. What?

It seems that down yonder in Fort Walton Beach, some people saw a guy standing inside of his open window on the second story of his residence. According to the police report, the man was "holding the organ in his hand and laughing." Now, by "organ" I'm going to assume they're not referring to one of those nifty instruments in churches with about 40 pipes sticking out of it and a robed choir singing behind it. (Though, in some instances, there have been reports of "angels singing" after certain acts involving organs. Some have even been in churches. Some have...wait...this is probably a post in and of itself. I obviously digress. Never mind. It was his penis. Continue.)

So the police get called and when they go into the guy's house (not sure how that came to be), he was lying on a bed upstairs and said "he was just preparing for a post-shower nap." Um, OK? The problem with that excuse, aside from the fact that it's lame, was that "his hair was not damp and it did not appear that he had recently showered." (Dude, you really have to think these things through. Splash a little water here and there. Or, better yet, FORGET the whole "post-shower nap" excuse and go with "I've been asleep. That's why I didn't answer the door." I mean, I'm sure you weren't thinking straight because of all of the jovial jacking off you were doing in front of your neighbors and all, but keep is simple next time. If there must BE a "next time", that is.)

So then the police did exactly what you would expect them to do in this situation. That's right. They "used a laser to measure exactly how far away the suspect was when witnesses said he masturbated and laughed at them." Used a laser? What the hell? Are these cops from the future? Or Home Depot?

It turns out that the distance between the doorstep of the horrified onlookers and the window of the masterbatorium was 80 feet. It also turns out that 80 feet is not a far enough distance between those who are pleasuring themselves and those who are not. (Yeah, I could have told you that! And I wouldn't have needed a laser to do it, either!) Thus, the guy was charged with "exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor." ("Organs"? As in "more than one organ"? Um, perhaps calling the police wasn't exactly the best move in this case. Perhaps, giving the circus a call might have been more appropriate. Or those "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" guys. Maybe eBay. I bet you don't find that, er, those, er, whatever on eBay.)

But it's not over yet. Oh, no. I guess ol' Jack McSpanks-A-Lot figured that he should try and talk his way out of the ticket he was getting for "Pubic Public Overindulgence of Self". (Obviously, not a good idea,given how the rest of this story has gone.) So, naturally, he told the officers that he really wasn't doing...that, but rather, "he was urinating out of his bedroom window." Oh, sure. That sounds MUCH better.

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