Monday, June 16, 2008

Is It Normal?

OK, as corporate America does not allow us to forget, yesterday was Father's Day. (And I, for one, cannot tell you how glad I am that it is over. Trust me, I liked it a lot better when I had a Dad. Hoo-boy, that was a downer. The rest of this post better be freaking good after dropping that one on you. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Here we go!) And there are always the promotions, sales, etc. trying to entice us to show how much Dad means to us by giving our money to someone else in exchange for crap to give to Dad. Aw. The sentiment.

But here's a new one for me. There was an online survey for Dads. While that didn't strike me as overly strange, the fact that is was the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" kind of surprised me. (Do you want to think about your Dad taking the "Great American Dad Sex Survey"? I didn't think so. Onward.) But then I looked at who was administering the survey and it was put together by AOL and Cookie Magazine. What the hell?

So I had to check it out. Come on, Cookie Magazine? And I checked it out and I'm still asking, "What the hell?" It does not exactly strike me as a site that would know anything at all about a man's sexual habits or traits or what's normal or what isn't. It doesn't even strike me as a site that a man would ever go to. (It doesn't even strike me as a site that would know about cookies, either.) Look at the images below. Does it look like a magazine that should be dabbling in the sexual surveying of Dads? I don't think so either!

In general, the website is far from normal. It appears to be clearly dedicated to the soft-headed. I saw a lot of stuff on there that pertained to women. I don't know how many Dads need to know about the strangest places women had to pump breast milk. (As long as the Dads don't have to deal with it, the woman can do it anywhere she'd like.) But there wasn't a whole lot about men on this site. Let alone men's sexuality.

So then I figured I'd click on the Mind and Body tag and maybe find something, anything, that was directed at or written for men. Nope. Same crap. Ooh! But they have forums! Let's see what those have....OK....A-ha! A forum titled "Is It Normal?" That should be good. We'll go there....Wait. What?

What the hell is this? Here is the topic summary at the top of the forum: "Wondering if it is normal to think about running out to the grocery store for milk and never returning? Ask about anything going on with you or your child and get a reality check here." Huh? Go get milk, never to return again? Check your or your child's reality here? Those are the examples under "Is It Normal?" Am I supposed to answer those? OK, I'll try. Um, NO! Those are not normal questions to be put under the heading of "Is It Normal?" See, "Is It Normal?" when asked on the Internet, is supposed to contain threads such as:
  • "I really like goats. Can I take one to the drive in with me?"

  • "I want to have sex in a Prius."

  • "I want to have sex WITH a Prius."

  • "I find Keith Richards attractive."

  • "I have painted my penis bright yellow. Just like the mailman's."

THOSE are the questions for "Is It Normal?" Nothing about milk! Nothing about leaving! Sex, goats and penises! That's what should be there!

But finally, finally, I did find some strange ones, like:

  • "Do you worry about dog-baby assault?" (I do NOW! But not from this guy. He's just cute!)

  • "Where and how is it politically correct for my 4 yr. old to get pissed off?" (Probably when your 4 yr. old knows what the hell "politically correct" actually IS. But then again, if he knows that, then you could just sit down and have a chat with him about why he's pissed off.)

  • "Husband doesn't hear me." (Oh, yes he does. And if that's your question, I'd have to say he hears you OFTEN. TOO often.)

But I was still thinking there had to be more. It was titled "Is It Normal?" for God's sakes and all those people are worried about is if their baby is going to assault their dog! Geez. All right! I finally found a couple of them that actually belong there! We have:

  • "Balloon boobs, rubber band vaginas, how about underarm flab?" (Wow. The elasticity of the female body. Who knew?)

  • "Husband jerking off while babysitting." (Ah-ha! Finally! I'm quitting while I'm ahead! And so should he, really.)
I looked to see what the responses were for the two topics above and, well, let's just say that they were pretty lame. Apparently, everyone agreed on the gravity pull and it's detriment to the female body as it ages. And it was about a half and half split (half thinking it was normal, half thinking it was damnation to hell perversion) on the monkey spanking babysitter.

I never did find the "Great American Dad Sex Survey" on their site. And I can't say that I'm all that broken up about it either. But what I can conclude from all of this is kind of what I already knew in the first place.

  • A website named "Cookie Magazine" doesn't know squat about men, women OR what is normal or not (though I suspect that "Cookie Magazine" = not normal).

  • No one, I mean no one wants to think of their Dad taking "The Great American Dad Sex Survey." They just don't.

  • A forum category titled "Is it Normal?" probably is not.

  • The female body is strangely elastic.

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