Wednesday, June 25, 2008

This Just Seems Wrong

I might not be a guy, but that doesn't mean that some of the things that might (and do) make a guy cringe won't make me cringe as well. That's because I'm empathetic. It's also because some things are just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And just when you think that they can't be any more wrong, they are.

Take the scientists down under in Australia. They seem to have a lot of free time on their hands when it comes to pondering how they can help the environment. Or maybe they don't have enough time on their hands. That might explain why they could have been trying to figure out how to stop all of those discarded latex condoms from impacting the environment. Wait. What? (Not yet. Not yet. You'll be 'Wait-What-ing' soon enough.) Well, there wouldn't be a need for a condom if there wasn't, um, the concern of getting pregnant, right? And since 'not having sex' to accomplish that goal should be the absolute LAST option EVER (unless you're a girl and you're hot and then you might want to consider stepping over into the world of girl-meets-girl. I'm just saying.), you're going to need something else. How about a way to stop the sperm from being able to contact the egg? That would be a great idea! How would that happen? Well, if you listen to the Australian scientists, they'll tell you that you should insert a microchip inside of the penis in the vas deferens. (!) Wait. Wha-wha-what?!?!

You see, the vas deferens (hereafter known as the VD. Wait. Never mind. Vas deferens it is.) is the male apparatus that deliver the mighty, mighty sperm in the form of semen. If you insert this microchip in there (this is where the empathetic part comes in, as I think, "Ow, ow, OWWW!!"), then when the guy is about to have sex, he simply presses "pause" on a device that would send an RF wave to the chip (micro, not potato). When the microchip receives the transmission, it translates the RF waves into acoustic waves. The acoustic waves then cause the chip to expand (as if there isn't enough expansion going on at that moment as it is). With the chip expanded, it acts as a barrier and no sperm can get through. They say.

Now, I have several questions. But I'm going to try and focus here. See, when the sperm is "released", it's not usually "released" under, um, well, "calm and sedate" circumstances. In fact, I think that the term "released" isn't exactly the term that would be most appropriate. "Released" makes it sound as if the sperm had been jailed and one day they were granted parole and the cell door was opened up and they were "released". That's not exactly it. But, using the same "sperm in jail" parable here, the process is more akin to the sperm having been in solitary confinement for a long time and have grown quite antsy to the point where, when they just can't take it any more, in a show of supersperman strength, burst through the door and out into the pubic public realm. So my question is, can the microchip really hold everything back? And if it does, wouldn't the guy himself just explode?

I must thank the fine folks over there at for sharing this bit of knowledge with myself and the rest of the Internet. I don't know if it was useful, but it was definitely thought provoking. A little uncomfortable, but thought provoking.

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