Saturday, June 7, 2008

Make Shroom For Some Clothes

Apparently, psychedelic mushrooms (otherwise known to everyone as "shrooms") are rather potent these days. That's what I concluded after reading about the behavior of a one Nathan Behrend, 24, of Madison, Wisconsin. I'm sure you can already guess that after ingesting the shrooms, hilarity did ensue.

So Nate eats some shrooms on Monday night and gets really high. Naturally, it's the middle of the night. Naturally, when you're really high in the middle of the night, you must, absolutely must (it's like a rule), take off all of your clothes. Of course. Wait. What?

Nate's little 3am foray of highness began when he kicked in a woman's bedroom door and jumped on her bed. Naturally, that wasn't enough. He had to give her a big hug and tell her, "I want to have sex with you. And I love you. And I want to marry you." Now, that sounds very nice, Nate, but really? At 3 in the morning, that's not going to sound all that great to anyone who is not high on shrooms. It's just not. He also told the woman, "I'm a genius! I have all the answers! And I love you!" Again, a nice sentiment, but at 3am? Not so much. And you really could have waited until you weren't high to tell your roommate those things without kicking in her bedroom door. Yes, she was his roommate. Oh. That was awkward.

After proclaiming his love for his roomie and his brilliance to all, Naked Nathan ran out onto the porch and down the road. The roomie saw him again when he was on his way back in the direction of his house. A bunch of other people saw him as well. And heard him. Those who heard him called the cops. Those who saw him were the cops. (I feel a Taser-in' coming on. How 'bout you?)

When the cops managed to get close enough to zap Nate with Mr. Clickety (aka, the Taser), he continued to fight with them. The police report says that he was "eventually subdued under a pile of cops, but he continued struggling and bit one officer in the hand during the melee." (A "pile of cops". Now THAT'S funny.) Oh, Nate. Nate...Nate...Naked, naked Nate. What were you thinking, dude? Come on! You're a genius! You said so yourself! You should have known better than that!

The police report continues describing Nate's antics with, "Previous to that, he had sexually assaulted one of the women officers by grabbing her breasts and through most of the struggle he was making lewd and suggestive comments to various officers." Man, Nate should really, really get laid before downing a bunch of shrooms next time. You know, like in the movie "There's Something About Mary" when Ben Stiller realizes that he can't walk around all night with a "loaded gun" if he's going to be around Cameron Diaz all night. So he takes care of things before they go out and then all is good. Nathan should really watch that movie for pointers.

Nathan's "lewd and suggestive comments to various officers" included, "We just need to have sex and make love, and I really want to have sex with you," he told a woman officer before sexually assaulting her (the breast grabbing) and pulling out some of her hair." Grabbing breasts and pulling hair? All the whilst insisting that you must have sex? What the hell, Nate? Are you some sort of Neanderthal caveman now? You should have brought your big wooden club so you could subdue the female and then drag her back to your cave for a long night of sweet, sweet lovemaking. (I was going to suggest that he show some dignity at some point, especially if he's proclaiming his sexual desires for an individual, but then I remember that Nathan was likely still naked at that point, so the whole "dignity" concept doesn't quite apply.)

Yes, Nathan was arrested. Yes, he bailed out. Yes, he was charged with one of everything. Surprisingly (in a way), Nathan didn't have a prior criminal record. He does NOW. But that's what I would have expected, what with all of the nakedness and the sex proclamations and all.

Good luck, Nathan. Put some clothes on and let me know how it turns out.

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Anonymous said...

At least his drugs were better than this shitty blog. Get a life.

Anonymous said...

OH and btw, do your readers really need a map to find Wisconsin? I bet they do...

Mare said...

Nathan? Is that you? You know, for someone who thinks so little of my blog, you sure do spend a lot of time on it. You're up to three hours so far, and that's just TODAY. Oh, but I DID use some pretty big words in that post. Maybe that's where you had trouble. Perhaps the Hooked On Phonics blog might be more your speed. Also, NO ONE needs a map to find Wisconsin because NO ONE gives a crap where it is. But thanks for commenting almost THREE WEEKS after I made that post. Nice to see you're on top of things over there in Wisconsin.

Anonymous said...

I like to RANDOMLY type in caps TOO because it makes it seem like I'm making some KIND of point!