Friday, June 20, 2008

From ATV to XXX

There are people out there who just like to bitch. They will bitch about anything just because they can. And while sometimes, sure, they have a point, it isn't much of one and it certainly isn't one to get all bent out of shape about. A lot of times, there might be an issue and it's made out to be bigger than it is. OR it's the "potential" (translation: imagined) issue that gets people's heads a-spinning. But if you start bringing the freaking environment into any issue these days? Well, if there's a softhead within 2 miles you can assure yourself and everyone else that they will bitch. You can also assure yourself that some people are tired of it. And while some things can't be changed, you sure can do things to at least make yourself feel a little bit better (especially if it's at the expense of the softheads).

Allenspark, Colorado. That's where the Boulder County commissioners denied Jeff and Vicki Mead a permit to open a business that would store and rent ATVs. The Meads already own an ATV rental business in Lyons (still in Colorado). They had been using the building which was formerly the Eastin Gallery, to rent out vehicles without a permit. (Technically that's called, illegal.) Then the county forced a "special-use review" earlier in the year. Well, with a "special-use review" on the calendar, a few residents couldn't wait to get in there and start voicing their "concerns" about the "noise" and the "environmental impact of the machines". Oh! Did I hear "environmental impact?" I sure did! Permit denied! WHAM! (Insert gavel pounding here.)

Look, I'm not denying that ANY vehicle that is powered by a gasoline engine has an "environmental impact". They ALL do. The guy isn't drilling for oil, he's renting ATVs. Bottom line is that the very vocal neighbors, a Glenn and Margie Patterson, didn't want the ATV business at their neighbor in their little mountain town. And personally, I don't know that I would care or that I wouldn't care if I were in their position. But I'd at least try to talk to the owners and see what they had in mind and voice my concerns to them (it's called "being neighborly") and see where that went before I went to the city council with my "environmental impact" blathering.

By the way, the population of Allenspark is somewhere around 496. Less than 500. Unless he has one heck of a clientele list, how many ATV rentals are we talking? Yes, I know that those who would be renting the ATVs would likely not live there. But still, 500 residents gives you an idea of how sparsely populated the area is. Even towns with a large tourist/visitor base usually have more than 500 residents. I'm just saying that I question the overall "environmental impact" his ATV rental business could possibly have.

Well, the Meads, who bought the building in February, 2007, they're a little ticked. And they need to do something with the building. And while they would need to go through a whole bunch of red tape to get a permit for their ATV business, if they went the "gallery" route (as there was a gallery in the building before they bought it. Hence the name, "Eastin Gallery". Catchy, eh?) there wouldn't be any red tape because the property is zoned for business. Hmmm....so what kind of a gallery would be a good fit for a tiny Colorado mountain town. I know a pornography shop! A pornography shop would be great in that building! It would? Wait. What?

Correct. The Meads are opening up a porn palace, right there in Allenspark. Right next door to the Pattersons. According to Jeff Mead, "Allenspark is the most pornographic place I've ever seen. It's a town where half the people are paying attention to the other half's business. I thought it would fit right in." Vicki Mead seems to reiterate that sentiment when she said, "Every time you turned around, it was some new issue. Here we are now with ... a half-million-dollar building. To a large extent, it's a statement about freedom and personal property rights. It's not a business I jump into lightly." Well, I should hope not. She continued with, "It's probably going to be what is was before -- some smaller items for sale and maybe some more expensive types of artwork, only with a very adult twist. We've had several companies that do the porno thing say businesses outside of the city tend to do very well." Good for them. I think.

Since the new porn palace will be technically in line with the old use of the building (both showcase different items for pleasure viewing) , and the fact that it is zoned for business, the county can't tell them what to do this time. Neither can their neighbors, the Pattersons.

And while this might sound like the ultimate "So there!", it's really not. Not yet. See, they can't call it "The Eastin Gallery" anymore because, well, because they're not the Eastins, I guess. So they need a name. A good name for their porno store. A really good name for their XXX pornography business. What should it be? Hmmmm....I know! The Patterson XXX Porn Gallery! Wait. What?


Correct. He named his porn shop with a name that "just happens" to be the same last name as his overly vocal opponent neighbors, the Pattersons. Jeff Mead denies that it is a reference to the Pattersons. He claims it's a nod to "First Amendment activists, like New York Gov. David Paterson". (Yes, I know it the Governor's name has only one "T". I think that Jeff Mead might also. But it's not about spelling, it's about the First Amendment!)


I find this to be both hil-arious and extremely creative. I really like that there aren't any lawyers involved in this ordeal. We have an overly litigious society as it is. Anything that can be solved outside of a courtroom (legally and without violence) seems like a good way to approach most anything.

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1 comment:

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