Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day Boycott

Is it over yet? Father's Day. Is it over? Because if I have to see one more ad on TV or read one more ad in the paper I'm going to twist off. Best Buy, Circuit City, Sears, Wal-Mart, Big-5, Home Depot, and the list goes on. And on. And on.


You know how for a while it was really politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas"? Because if you said "Christmas" to someone who didn't celebrate that particular holiday (which was meant to celebrate the birth of Christ), then that would be "offensive" to that person. So for some reason, everyone decided that "Happy Holidays" would be a more appropriate greeting of cheer during the month of December than "Merry Christmas". (And you do know that anyone who claimed that they were "offended" was either a softhead and in need of one of my "Helmets For The Softheaded" or they wanted to complain simply because they could. But usually it was both. Softheaded, whiny, complaining, wannabe offended, morons.)

While I would never do this, I'm wondering what would happen if someone wanted to start a movement of people who were "offended" by a holiday called "Father's Day". Maybe someone who has two mothers. Or someone who was conceived through artificial insemination and would prefer that the day be called "Sperm Donor Day". Or someone whose father was a jackass, so why should there be a day that honors him? Or someone whose father is dead (and just so happened to die on the same freaking day that Father's Day falls on this year)? Or someone whose father has had a sex change operation? Or it's one of those "pregnant man" situations? There are lots of scenarios that people could come up with as to why someone could claim to be "offended" by the term/day/title/etc. Thank God no one has, though.

Now, a few years ago, I'd think that something this ridiculous might actually be able to gain a little momentum here and there, just like the "Merry Christmas" fiasco of yore did. But I think that people caught on to the fact that saying "Happy Holidays" only served to remind everyone that they weren't really wishing holiday cheer, they were making a concession for the sake of being politically correct. And it ended up feeling like the guy who had bitched about "Merry Christmas" was just giving you the finger every time you heard "Happy Holidays." Thus, I think that the anti-Father's Day movement wouldn't get very far. But a few years ago? Sure. It would have been renamed "Appropriate and Non-Abusive Caretaker and DNA Giver Day" a long time ago.

But here's my thing: All of this stuff that they're advertising for "Dad" isn't what he wants or what he'll remember. He doesn't need or want a Flowbee or a Turnip Twaddler or a George Foreman Grill. All he needs and wants is your time. (And probably a meal from the Kentucky Colonel. Dad will never have a problem with a little KFC.) He won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill, but he will remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad. And you won't remember the Flowbee or the Turnip Twaddler or the George Foreman grill either, but you'll remember the time you spent with him because he's your Dad, too. And it won't matter if it's on a Father's Day or if it's on a Tuesday, because you don't need Father's Day to sit down with the guy and spend a little time together munching on some chicken. (I'm telling you. You can't go wrong with Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ever.)

So screw Best Buy and Circuit City and Home Depot (really screw Home Depot, I can't stand that place) and all of 'em except the Colonel. Go get some chicken instead and spend some time with your Dad.

(The following is mostly for symbolic purposes. The only other purpose it could possibly serve is simply to appease myself and to maybe make today easier. It hasn't yet, but maybe it will.)

Hey, Dad.

Happy Father's Day. What are the chances, eh? Same day as...you know. I'm glad I don't have to get used to it being on Father's Day as much as I have to get used to it overall. That would suck.

This picture is from the beach in Cambria. I took it, you know, that day I had to go down there. It's a nice place to end up. I'm going to assume you're happy with it.

I know you know things are good here, so I won't bore you with little updates about stuff you're already aware of. And I know you're OK, so I won't go there either.

I found another marble. Weird, huh? Well, maybe not for you. You might know where they all came from by now, but I still don't get it. This one was in the front. Haven't found one in a while, but every time I do, I think about you.

Hey, thanks for being my Dad. You didn't have to. You kind of signed up for the job because you wanted to. And then you ended up with me. And I'm glad you did. You were an awesome Dad. Thanks a lot.

I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back.

I love you, Dad.

~ Mare

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