Friday, June 27, 2008

A Fork and A Chicken - Together At Last

This headline from the folks over yonder at the Associated Press: "Man accused of fork, chicken attacks." Oh, dear God. What the hell?

In the fine state of Michigan (Jackson, to be exact), a man allegedly stabbed his mother with a fork. he then assaulted another woman with 10 pounds of frozen chicken. Then things start to get weird.

Let's back up here. OK, Einstein, otherwise known as Frederick Duane McKaney, a 40-year old moron from Ypsilanti, stabbed the first woman, otherwise known to Fred as 'Mom', in the neck with a fork on Monday night. This action apparently seemed to be the correct course of action for the man to take when the woman, 'Mom', refused to give him some money. (Well, if she wouldn't give him any money before all of the fork stabbing, I highly doubt she's going to be wanting to hand over any cash after all of the fork stabbing. But that's just me.)

While I suppose I could understand being upset that someone wouldn't give you money that you so clearly demanded from them, I'm a bit confused as to why the fork was the weapon of choice. I'd also like to know where this fork was before the guy used it to poke his mother in the back of the neck. I mean, was it her fork? Was it his fork? Does he always carry a fork around? And if so, why? Does he always think of the fork as more of a weapon and less as a utensil? So many questions. So many morons. Continuing...

(By the way, I'm sure that you won't be all that surprised to learn that Stabby Fred there has spent a bit of time in prison during his life. Yes, shocking, I know.) After stabbing 'Mom', Stabby Fred took off. About an hour after his pronged assault, he was riding a bicycle and encountered two women who were standing on the sidewalk talking. According to the AP, "He said something nasty to them and they responded in kind. He jumped off his bike and hit one woman over the head with 10 pounds of chicken." OK, wait. What?

He hit one of the women over the head with ten pounds of chicken? Chicken as in poultry? Where did this ten pounds of chicken come from? Who in the hell has ten pounds of chicken at one given time, let alone ten pounds of chicken when you're either talking to your neighbor on the sidewalk or riding your bicycle after stabbing your mother with a fork?! Ten pounds is a lot of chicken! I have just perused probably 15 different accounts of this story from 15 different "news" sources online and not one of them, not ONE said anything about where in the hell the 10 pounds of chicken came from! What is wrong with the media?! The chicken is a vital component to this saga and we have no idea where it came from! Grand.

The assault with the mysterious 10 pound poultry weapon caused the woman to need five staples to close the gash in her head. Her husband, rather than tend to his bleeding wife at the moment, got in his truck and followed Stabby Fred as he pedaled off from the scene of the crime. When he saw a police officer, he flagged him down, assumedly explained, "That man on the bike hit my wife over the head with 10 pounds of chicken! What? NO, I'm not telling you where the chicken came from! Arrest him!"

Almost forgot. Behold! Mugshot goodness of Stabby Fred:

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