Monday, June 2, 2008

Think Long And Hard Down Under

You know a story can't end well when the headline reads, "Surgeons Cut 16 Washers From Penis". You also know a story couldn't have started well when that's the headline, either.

From the fine blokes down under in Australia at The Daily Telegraph, we learn that surgeons at Hornsby Hospital (That's in Hornsby. Try to keep up.) operated on a man for the purpose of removing not one, not two, but SIXTEEN stainless steel washers that were stuck on his penis. (I don't even have one and it makes me cringe.) Before I continue I need to mention once again, that the journalism in other countries is far, far more amusing that that which is provided to those of us through the US media. And the puns, my God, the puns! (Hey, print media folks! Maybe if you injected a little bit of amusement in your dry and poorly written newspaper articles, more people would subscribe to the idea that it makes sense to pay someone to throw a bundle of paper containing news and stories from yesterday that you have already read about online, onto your driveway at 5am. To quote the great Nelson Muntz, "Your medium is dy-ing! Ha-HA!)

At 3am, the Berowra (that's in Australia) Fire Rescue officers were summoned to "alleviate the man from his awkward predicament". The Fire Rescue officers? Was his penis laden with metal washers AND on fire as well?! (Good Lord, what in the hell is going on down there in Australia? And talk about having a bad day!) The Daily Telegraph story states that "It was not clear how the situation arose." And while that may be true, one can assume that what is clear is that which will not be "arising" anytime soon. I mean, it's covered in metal washers, it's aflame, so many problems.

And here is where the brilliance of the foreign press shines through. "The man may well have thought long and hard about placing himself in the difficult situation." Well, at least they were kind. Hilarious, but kind. The Fire Rescue Officers, who are not paid anywhere near what they are worth if this ordeal falls under their jurisdiction, (Hmm..yeah, pun probably intended there.) tried unsuccessfully for more than an hour to remove the washers before being taken to the hospital around 4:30 in the morning. Wow. Give all of those men a raise. (Again, pun probably intended.) But more than an hour? How many options are there for removing metal fastening devices from a man's penile shaft? And one that may or may not actually be on fire, at that?! What are we talking here? Jaws of life? Water cannon? CPR? I just can't picture it.

He got more out of them than he would have out of me, that's for sure. If I had walked into that debacle and seen...that I'm pretty sure that I'd rapidly come to the conclusion that it says nothing in the manual about situations such as this, thus I'd have to wing it. And in this case, "winging it" consists of, "Aw. That's a shame. Medic!" And I'm outta there!

Upon arrival in the OR, the surgeons spent around 90 minutes removing the washers "using fire brigade equipment." What the hell does that mean? I had to know! And while I didn't necessarily find anything for Australian fire brigade equipment, I did find a list of fire brigade equipment used in London. They both have that funky kind of accent (that I just love), so I'm sure their fire brigade equipment is similar as well. And while I don't know for sure if any of these items were actually used by the docs, I do know that some of them sound as if they might be appropriate. Ahem! The fire brigade equipment includes:
  • The Operational Support Unit

  • The Incident Response Unit

  • The High Volume Pump

  • The Scientific Support Unit

  • The Hose Layer Unit

  • The Dual Purpose Pump Ladder

Yep. It could be any one of those. And it could easily be more than one of those.

The hospital spokesperson (who I'm sure was just thrilled to be able to handle this one) said that the tools that they usually use to remove "rings from fingers" was ineffective. The spokesperson said it was because of the thicker nature of the washers. I am thinking it was because the tools usually used to remove "rings from fingers" were ineffective because they were attempting to remove "sixteen washers from a penis". The two are really QUITE different if you think about it. After the removal, the man's condition was stable. And to quote the fine folks over at The Daily Telegraph once again, "It is believed the only lasting damage may be to his pride."

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Danielle said...

I thought that the articles were funny but your blog about it was far more hilarious.

Mare said...

Well, thanks! I appreciate it. (I still want to know what the heck that guy was doing.)

Irritated said...

Maybe he was playing drill.