Friday, June 13, 2008

And The Eighth Marshmallow Is.......

It's finally happened! For the first time in over ten years! For ten long years there were seven. Just seven. And for ten long years, those seven yearned for the eighth. And they yearned. And they yearned. And then they yearned some more. But those days of yearning are finally over! Because the day has come! The moment is here! It is time to confirm that the rumors are true! And the truth will now be revealed! Lucky Charms cereal has added an EIGHTH marshmallow charm!! Wait. What?

Correct. General Mills announced that Lucky Charms will be adding a new marshmallow charm to it's rather oat-y, definitely whole-grained cereal. According to General Mills "The new charm will join seven other signature charms and be just as powerful." (To quote Chandler Bing, "There are seven??") Wait a minute. "Just as powerful"? "Just as powerful" as what? The leprechaun? That can't be it. Have you SEEN Lucky the Lucky Charms Leprechaun? Just look at him over on the right. See?

Just like all other leprechauns that I've seen, he looks remarkably similar to all of them, although the Lucky Charms leprechaun does appear to be a distant cousin of the Keebler Elf. Dressed in green....very small and thin....probably gay....definitely shifty....not seeming overly powerful. So I have no doubt he's actually a leprechaun, but I'm still a bit fuzzy on the "power" concept. How does that work?

Apparently, each of the marshmallow charms in Lucky Charms cereal have a magical power. This is the first I've heard of this. Granted, I was never a big Lucky Charms fan (gave the milk a rather saw-dusty taste), but my brother was and I don't remember him saying anything about these so-called magical marshmallows. (Trust me, if the marshmallows WERE magic, he would have used their magical powers for evil and I would have been turned into a frog. Or worse, a princess.) Well, I had to know more. And now that I do, I'm wondering why I "had" to in the first place. But here's what I now know:
  • Pink Hearts. Not the name of the girl gang in "Grease", but rather the magical marshmallow charm that provides power. The power to bring things to life. (Like WHAT exactly? We're eating breakfast, remember? The only thing at the table that could be brought to life might be the bacon and frankly, I don't want to see that.)
  • Shooting Stars. Not an astronomical extra-curricular activity, but instead the magical charm that invokes the power to fly. No word on when or how that happens exactly.
  • Purple Horseshoes. Gay cowboys in some circles, but in your cereal bowl? The magical charm with the power to speed things up.

  • Green Clovers. Now, this magical power, according to General Mills, will give you "luck, but you never know what kind of luck you're going to get." WTF?! So, you mean I could be eating a bowl of cereal that's going to give me BAD luck? Thanks, but I don't really want to take that chance first thing in the morning. Who would?! Shouldn't the box have some sort of disclaimer? You know, "This box contains green clovers and, while they're quite tasty, could really F-up your day."

  • Blue Moons. Cute name, but rather than giving you something that almost never happens (as the name implies), instead they grant you the power of invisibility. Actually, I guess that is something that almost never happens. Huh.

  • Multi-colored Rainbows. Sort of like the transporters on Star Trek, the rainbows enable instantaneous travel from place to place (and with gas at over four bucks a gallon right now, I'd rather fill my tank with rainbows than I would unleaded). Beam me up, Lucky!

  • And finally, the Red Balloons. No word on whether there's 99 of them.. But the word on their magical power is that they make things float. OK then.

When did Lucky Charms become so multi-dimensional? Why is this cereal so freaking complicated? And, quite possibly, a threat to my having a lucky day if I get a box with Green Bad Luck Clovers in it! You need a flow chart to keep track of all of them! (And mind you, there were MORE magical charms at some point that have been discontinued. Those would include, but not be limited to, the "Swirly Whale". I have no idea who came up with the notion that a "Swirly Whale" would be a good addition to a bunch of magical "charms". But as if these seven weren't enough to keep track of, General Mills goes and crams another marshmallow charm in there to go with them. And the eighth magical marshmallow charm to join the other six lucky and one maybe lucky marshmallow charms is..........................

The yellow bow tie! Wait. What?

Oh. Sorry. I was looking at it sideways. Keyhole! The yellow keyhole! What? Dammit! Wrong again! Hourglass! The yellow hourglass and the power to control time! There! Finally! (This can't end well.) Behold! The newest Lucky Charms magical marshmallow:

(So you can see where I got confused.) OK, it took them TEN years to come up with THAT?! And the ability to control time? Control it HOW exactly? What if the magical hourglass is like that bastard magical clover? What if it controls the time so that you're always late? Or worse, what if it controls time so that you're always early?! (I have no personal knowledge of what that could ever be like, but it sounds just horrible.)

OK, let's review. Lucky Charms is a breakfast cereal that is extremely complicated. It's mascot is a little leprechaun that may or may not be gay, but it always wearing a hat. It has several different components, each one with their own little color and their own little power which may or may not be used for good. The latest magical marshmallow charm is the yellow hourglass. The yellow hourglass looks like and it often mistaken for a bow tie. If you would like all of these magical powers but do not have any Lucky Charms, a hit of LSD will suffice.

So did you get all of that? Good. But I have to tell you, that good luck-bad luck deal with the clovers really freaked me out. I'm having toast for breakfast from now on. No need to risk something so crucial to one's well being if you don't have to. I mean, seriously, if it weren't for luck, I'd be seriously screwed. And lately, well, a little "luck" certainly couldn't hurt things over here. And in some cases, it's really all I have to bank on, so I don't want to screw it up. Toast it is!

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1 comment:

dayhay said...

Dude, that is GREAT! I was looking to see the powers and found this. Kudos!