Woof.

You know, vacation or not, you have to admit that it's been kinda slow in the news department lately.  President Barry seems to be lying low for the most part and Challenger Romney doesn't seem to be exactly speaking out on a lot of things.  No one has eaten anyone else's face off lately.  Sure, we've got a celebrity divorce with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes splitting, be it from her not liking Scientology or because her contract was up, but that isn't going to get really good until they actually start going to court and stuff like that.  Nope, there just isn't a whole lot going on.  And while I'm not really complaining, it does make it a little tricky trying to come up with something new every day.  So here's a picture of a dog that looks like Clint Eastwood.  Happy? How could you not be?  Look at him!  LOOK!

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Slow News Day Over At HuffPo

Holy crap, how slow of a news day was it yesterday over at The Huffington Post? Pretty slow if you consider that one of their stories sported the headline "Michelle Obama Does Midday Shoe Change In Ronda". Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!

That's right. They were reporting on the fact that the First Lady changed her shoes whilst in Spain. That's where Ronda is. It's in Spain. And it's apparently a shoe-changin' city if there ever was one. Just look! Here she is with one pair of shoes on...

And here she is with another pair of shoes on! And since she's wearing the same clothes, the shoe change was clearly on the same day! ::: gasp :::

I can't decide if I'm OK with this or if it horrifies me. On the one hand, if this is all that there was to report on, that's kind of a good thing, right? But then again, on the other hand, both you and I know that even if this WAS the only thing to report on, we'd be better off with nothing. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this horrifies me. Good Lord, Huffington Post....

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Eats, Shoots and Leaves

It's bad enough when it's a slow news day. You want something exciting to read about something happening somewhere and you just can't find squat. And if you're looking for that daily dose of newsworthiness online on a slow news day, you're likely going to be wading through some of the stupidest stories you have ever seen masquerading as "news". (I mean, come on, there's "filler" and then there's "crap". Naturally, I shall be talking about the "crap".) The slower the news day, the more inane the stories. And it's as if those writing the stories or the headlines actually know that the story is pointless and they're just running it to fill space. Grammar, sensical meanings, they're all out the window. They don't care. And they know that you don't care either. That's how we end up with things like this:

From the "I'm So Stupid I Need Someone To Show Me How To Fold A Freaking Newspaper In Case I'm In A Narrow Newspaper Reading Zone" files, we have a demonstration from the simple folks over at realsimple.com, we have the feature "How To Fold A Broadsheet Newspaper - Easily read a paper on a crowded bus, train, or plane with this trick."

Now, if you're like me, you hear/read "trick", you think "magic". Thus, if you're like me, you're often very disappointed as actual magic will rarely follow. (That's when, if you're like me, you go right back to thinking "trick" as that's exactly what the whole thing is. Just one big trick.) Regardless, I'm going to walk you through this like they do. Trust me, it won't take long (though it may seem as if it goes on forever. After all, we are folding a newspaper.)

• Step 1: Before reading, fold the newspaper in half lengthwise both ways, for a flexible, two-way crease. To begin, fold the newspaper back along the vertical crease.

• Step 2: Find your desired page by leafing through the paper, using the top corners. better handling. (Better handling? How difficult is the handling of a newspaper in general? I'm thinking, "not very". Oh, and thanks for the tip on how to "find my page". Huh. LOOK at the pages to find the page. Brilliant.)
  

• Step 3: Fold the left page back along the vertical crease. You will be able to read theouter columns of the left and right pages. To read the inner columns, fold both pages back along the newspaper's center crease. (I'll be able to read the outer columns and then I will be able to test my long term memory as I retain the information in all of those columns before I am able to get to the rest of the story contained in the inner columns.)
  
  
• Step 4: Fold in half horizontally, into quadrants, for better handling. (Better handling again? What am I? On the goal line in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and trying to score before time runs out? Better handling? It IS a newspaper, right? They're not made out of eels. I'm pretty sure my newspaper handling is going to be just fine even without this "trick". Grrr..)

All photos above illustrating this "trick" were taken by by Christopher Coppola.

I find it odd that the purpose of all of this folding of the broadsheet newspaper (a term I have heard never) is presumably because you are on, as the title tells us, a "crowded bus, train or plane". (And that could be with or without John Candy and/or Steve Martin, although, most likely without John Candy.) It seems to me that you're going to need a bit of room to make these maneuvers in the first place and if you can do that, why don't you just read the damn thing like that in the first place? And really, if you honestly cannot figure out what to do with yourself and your big ass newspaper if you're in a crowded area, it's highly unlikely that you possess the cranial ability to actually read the thing at all, so what's the point? Not exactly news I can use, that's for sure. (Seriously, at the very least, I was sort of expecting an origami swan or something when we were finished. Didn't even get that. A com-plete waste of time.)

Then over at the ABC News website (yes, one of the four major US News outlets is bringing you this vital tidbit of insight into your soul), we can now glean more information about the human species through their feature "What Your Car Trunk Says About You - Market Researcher Explores the Junk in People's Cars to Gather Consumption Information". Oh, for Christ's sake, are you freaking kidding me?

Among the questions that appear to be burning through the loins of the researcher are "Do moist towelettes stay moist in a hot car?" "Where do people squirrel away all the extra house keys she keeps unearthing in cars?" "Where do squirrels people away all of their acorns?" (OK, I made the last one up, but it's hard to resist a good squirrel pun when presented with the opportunity.) The researcher also went out on a limb and made the bold statement, "Cupless cupholders are significant". Why, yes, especially if you're looking for your cup!

What? Just because I have something else in my cupholder besides a cup I am supposed to be expressing something "significant"? NO! Of course not! (What kind of researcher are you anyway? You're nothing like the kind I'm familiar with, let me just tell you that.)

And finally, from one of the most unjournalistic (yes, I made that up) news sites online, we have the oh-so-biased (and in love with Obama) msnbc.com. Apparently, the folks who write headlines over there just want to make sure that the headline includes all of the vital components of the story, regardless as to whether or not it will actually convey what the story is really about. They also don't seem to care about whether their headline will confuse readers who have even a semi-firm grip on the English language. I present to you their mangled headline:

"Panda Moved After China Quake Gives Birth."

Oh, really? Well, I'm touched that the panda was so moved. I had NO idea that an earthquake was capable of actually GIVING birth (so maybe this really IS news after all!) and I really wish that they had included the sex of the newborn baby quake in the headline as well.

The panda headline is a great segway into mentioning the book "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynne Truss. Lynne is one of those individuals, like myself, who feel a little piece of their soul die (or get really freaking irritated) whenever they encounter writing that is grammatically incorrect, is missing punctuation or is incorrectly punctuated, contains misspellings, etc. The panda headline could cause her to damn near pass out, I would imagine. The title of her book is derived from the following story (which is available on her website, as is the book itself):

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

So punctuation really does matter, even if it is only occasionally a matter of life and death.

Indeed.

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And The Eighth Marshmallow Is.......

It's finally happened! For the first time in over ten years! For ten long years there were seven. Just seven. And for ten long years, those seven yearned for the eighth. And they yearned. And they yearned. And then they yearned some more. But those days of yearning are finally over! Because the day has come! The moment is here! It is time to confirm that the rumors are true! And the truth will now be revealed! Lucky Charms cereal has added an EIGHTH marshmallow charm!! Wait. What?

Correct. General Mills announced that Lucky Charms will be adding a new marshmallow charm to it's rather oat-y, definitely whole-grained cereal. According to General Mills "The new charm will join seven other signature charms and be just as powerful." (To quote Chandler Bing, "There are seven??") Wait a minute. "Just as powerful"? "Just as powerful" as what? The leprechaun? That can't be it. Have you SEEN Lucky the Lucky Charms Leprechaun? Just look at him over on the right. See?

Just like all other leprechauns that I've seen, he looks remarkably similar to all of them, although the Lucky Charms leprechaun does appear to be a distant cousin of the Keebler Elf. Dressed in green....very small and thin....probably gay....definitely shifty....not seeming overly powerful. So I have no doubt he's actually a leprechaun, but I'm still a bit fuzzy on the "power" concept. How does that work?

Apparently, each of the marshmallow charms in Lucky Charms cereal have a magical power. This is the first I've heard of this. Granted, I was never a big Lucky Charms fan (gave the milk a rather saw-dusty taste), but my brother was and I don't remember him saying anything about these so-called magical marshmallows. (Trust me, if the marshmallows WERE magic, he would have used their magical powers for evil and I would have been turned into a frog. Or worse, a princess.) Well, I had to know more. And now that I do, I'm wondering why I "had" to in the first place. But here's what I now know:

• Pink Hearts. Not the name of the girl gang in "Grease", but rather the magical marshmallow charm that provides power. The power to bring things to life. (Like WHAT exactly? We're eating breakfast, remember? The only thing at the table that could be brought to life might be the bacon and frankly, I don't want to see that.)

• Shooting Stars. Not an astronomical extra-curricular activity, but instead the magical charm that invokes the power to fly. No word on when or how that happens exactly.

• Purple Horseshoes. Gay cowboys in some circles, but in your cereal bowl? The magical charm with the power to speed things up.
  
  
• Green Clovers. Now, this magical power, according to General Mills, will give you "luck, but you never know what kind of luck you're going to get." WTF?! So, you mean I could be eating a bowl of cereal that's going to give me BAD luck? Thanks, but I don't really want to take that chance first thing in the morning. Who would?! Shouldn't the box have some sort of disclaimer? You know, "This box contains green clovers and, while they're quite tasty, could really F-up your day."
  
  
• Blue Moons. Cute name, but rather than giving you something that almost never happens (as the name implies), instead they grant you the power of invisibility. Actually, I guess that is something that almost never happens. Huh.
  
  
• Multi-colored Rainbows. Sort of like the transporters on Star Trek, the rainbows enable instantaneous travel from place to place (and with gas at over four bucks a gallon right now, I'd rather fill my tank with rainbows than I would unleaded). Beam me up, Lucky!
  


• And finally, the Red Balloons. No word on whether there's 99 of them.. But the word on their magical power is that they make things float. OK then.

When did Lucky Charms become so multi-dimensional? Why is this cereal so freaking complicated? And, quite possibly, a threat to my having a lucky day if I get a box with Green Bad Luck Clovers in it! You need a flow chart to keep track of all of them! (And mind you, there were MORE magical charms at some point that have been discontinued. Those would include, but not be limited to, the "Swirly Whale". I have no idea who came up with the notion that a "Swirly Whale" would be a good addition to a bunch of magical "charms". But as if these seven weren't enough to keep track of, General Mills goes and crams another marshmallow charm in there to go with them. And the eighth magical marshmallow charm to join the other six lucky and one maybe lucky marshmallow charms is..........................

The yellow bow tie! Wait. What?

Oh. Sorry. I was looking at it sideways. Keyhole! The yellow keyhole! What? Dammit! Wrong again! Hourglass! The yellow hourglass and the power to control time! There! Finally! (This can't end well.) Behold! The newest Lucky Charms magical marshmallow:

(So you can see where I got confused.) OK, it took them TEN years to come up with THAT?! And the ability to control time? Control it HOW exactly? What if the magical hourglass is like that bastard magical clover? What if it controls the time so that you're always late? Or worse, what if it controls time so that you're always early?! (I have no personal knowledge of what that could ever be like, but it sounds just horrible.)

OK, let's review. Lucky Charms is a breakfast cereal that is extremely complicated. It's mascot is a little leprechaun that may or may not be gay, but it always wearing a hat. It has several different components, each one with their own little color and their own little power which may or may not be used for good. The latest magical marshmallow charm is the yellow hourglass. The yellow hourglass looks like and it often mistaken for a bow tie. If you would like all of these magical powers but do not have any Lucky Charms, a hit of LSD will suffice.

So did you get all of that? Good. But I have to tell you, that good luck-bad luck deal with the clovers really freaked me out. I'm having toast for breakfast from now on. No need to risk something so crucial to one's well being if you don't have to. I mean, seriously, if it weren't for luck, I'd be seriously screwed. And lately, well, a little "luck" certainly couldn't hurt things over here. And in some cases, it's really all I have to bank on, so I don't want to screw it up. Toast it is!

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Slow News Day, CNN?

Oh, my God, it was a slow news week. And when that happens, the fine folks over there at CNN.com are just scrambling around (it would seem) to find anything to report on. They were clearly desperate this past week. The "Most Popular" stories that appear on the sidebar on the right hand side of the CNN.com web pages were absolutely pathetic. You guys are supposed to be C-N-freaking-N! You can do better than this crap ("crap" would be defined, in this instance, as a list of what CNN was calling the "Most Popular" stories this week):

• Crash survivor describes chaos. (I am familiar with the term "chaos". It doesn't really need further explanation. I don't know that there's an undiscovered form of "chaos" out there, but OK.)
  
  
• Man falls to his death (Well, I didn't think he would have walked.)
  
  
• Bush shifts on climate change (Shifts what? Wait. Never mind.)
  
  
• Martha Stewart's dog dies (Are you kidding me?!)
  
  
• The toxic charge of elitism (It used to be that "elite" was good. Now "elite" is bad. Or at least toxic. Wait. Is "toxic" still bad?)
  
  
• Man arrested in ricin case (The one that started over two months ago? Glad to see you're on top of that.)
  
  
• Iran: September 11 just an excuse (For what? Having September 12?)
  
  
• iReport: Man cave essentials (If CNN is just now catching onto the "man cave" concept, it's worse than I thought.)
  
  
• X-Files' movie title announced (It should come as no surprise that the title has "X-Files" in it. Shocking, eh? Oh, it's "X-Files: I Want To Believe", as in "I want to believe that this is NOT on CNN's Most Popular stories list.")
  
  
• Norah Jones tries acting. (Well, at least they said "tries".)
  
  

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