Slow News Day Over At HuffPo

Holy crap, how slow of a news day was it yesterday over at The Huffington Post? Pretty slow if you consider that one of their stories sported the headline "Michelle Obama Does Midday Shoe Change In Ronda". Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!

That's right. They were reporting on the fact that the First Lady changed her shoes whilst in Spain. That's where Ronda is. It's in Spain. And it's apparently a shoe-changin' city if there ever was one. Just look! Here she is with one pair of shoes on...

And here she is with another pair of shoes on! And since she's wearing the same clothes, the shoe change was clearly on the same day! ::: gasp :::

I can't decide if I'm OK with this or if it horrifies me. On the one hand, if this is all that there was to report on, that's kind of a good thing, right? But then again, on the other hand, both you and I know that even if this WAS the only thing to report on, we'd be better off with nothing. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this horrifies me. Good Lord, Huffington Post....

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One Picture is Worth Two Breasts

This photo from the Associated Press as "Michelle Obama highlights breast cancer awareness". Apparently she's doing so by having the two microphones appear in place of her breasts. Back to you.

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That's a BIG Lap

I know I just harped on the folks who were inexplicably stunned by Chicago's failure to win their bid to be host city for the 2016 Summer Olympics (because when you think "summer", don't you think "Chicago"? What? No? OK then. Back to you.). But I want to explain just a couple of things about what may have gone wrong. I'd also like to point out why those folks who seem to be gloating and, yes, even happy that Chicago didn't get the Olympics are seeming that way. Oh, don't get me wrong. They're gloating all right. But it's not because they want America to fail, so if you're one of those pinheads who thinks that, just pipe down and start readin'.

So Michelle Obama goes to Copenhagen for chewing tobacco to make a pitch for the Olympics. Now, I kind of foresaw disaster when I heard Valerie Jarrett, a senior adviser to President Barry, say regarding Michelle Obama's pitch to the IOC “There won’t be a dry eye in the room." And while that may be true (it is allergy season in some parts of the world), perhaps the question should have been raised as to whether or not there would have been an empty wallet. Oh, come on! It's not like the IOC has stopped taking bribes! They're just more careful about it now, that's all! And I totally knew it would be ineffective when Valerie Jarrett added, "I’m sure that it will touch the hearts of each of the IOC members.”

First of all, you shouldn't touch anyone without asking them first. Second, the Olympics before they happen aren't really a touchy feely sort of event, you know what I mean? Oh, sure, after someone has done something great, then we're all weepy-eyed and sentimental for five minutes or so. Then we talk about how amazing it is that they were able to win that gold medal even after having a life where they grew up having to walk to school every day. And it was uphill. Both ways. But that feeling goes away right around the time the photo of them smoking pot out of a bong appears on the News of the World website. Sometimes sooner. My point is that it's not about touching hearts. It's about getting people fired up!

And Michelle gave a fine speech, but not if she were trying to win the Olympics. It was a fabulous speech if she were trying to pitch her idea for a Lifetime Movie of the Week, though. Listen, it seems to me that the Obama administration has grossly overestimated the stupidity of the world. Don't get me wrong. It's almost impossible to overestimate the softheadedness of those in America. Rarely does that happen. But the rest of the world isn't constantly searching for a cause to rally behind. And that was the problem here.

She talked about growing up on the south side of Chicago, which really isn't as crime ridden as folks are led and swayed to believe. It's actually rather varied and diverse. Oh, there's crime all right. Do I think that Michelle Obama grew up in the crime ridden lands of south Chicago? No, I don't. Do I know if she did or not? No. I don't. Pure speculation is all I'm doing here. (At least I'm honest.)

She talked about how the Olympics inspired her. Behold! The face of the inspired!

Wow. Could you imagine how she would have looked if she were uninspired? (Probably like the IOC judges, I'd imagine.) Let's see if we can imagine it. Behold!

All she really did was talk about herself. And she did it in that way where it was as if she was waiting for the "oohs" and the "aahs" and the ridiculous intermittent spurts of applause that are always bursting from her audiences at the end of every sentence. Was she sincere about everything? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it and here's why: She made an odd statement about her memories of sitting on her father's lap and watching the Olympics. Specifically, she recalled memories about certain athletes that she remembered watching compete while she was sitting on her father's lap. She recalled watching Nadia (Comaneci)....

...Olga (Korbut)...

...Carl Lewis...

Wait. What?

Carl Lewis? But....but...he was....he was in the Olympics in....when? 1984? WHAT?!?! Computer, when was Michelle Obama born? 1964?? Um, sooooo....uh, she was...twenty? Sitting on her Dad's lap? Watching the Olympics? For reals? I doubt it. Oh, please. Do you not believe that she said that? I didn't. Behold!

Yeah, OK then. Wow. You know, she also talked about her Dad who died of MS in 1999 and how proud he would have been to have the Olympics in his town of Chicago. I don't know about you, but I don't like it when people play the Dead Parent Card (that's right, the ol' DPC) for something that had never happened when they were alive. It really bugs me. I'm OK with the reminiscing about how much the deceased would have enjoyed a current activity that they enjoyed when they were predeceased. But bringing up how much the deceased would have liked something that they never engaged in whence they were kickin' it? Knock it off. I don't like being played for a sap and I'd imagine that the IOC doesn't either. (Then again, I think a lot of President Barry's getting elected was based on playing the voters for saps, so I understand that they're just going with what worked in the recent past for them, but they seemed to have forgotten that it wasn't an international election that got him elected Grand Poobah of the United States.)

(Side note: By the way, before I go on with the rest of this, here's a pic of Nadia Comaneci these days. Just because. What country was she from? Romania? Do they all look like this over there in Romania? If they do, we need to find out what they eat and grow it here. Now!)

When you hear that some folks are "happy" that "America failed", please kick those people in the shins. Hard. (You might have to run really fast after you do that, so make sure you're in fairly decent shape before you go around crushing people's tibias.) These people aren't "happy" that "America failed". Some are "happy" because Chicago is already in debt and the Olympics would likely bring more debt. But the ones that seem "happy" that "America failed" are not cheering on the doom of America. It's more like when Nelson on The Simpsons says "Ha-HA!" in that irritating high-pitched, Eddie-Haskel-on-female-hormones voice that he has. When someone swaggers in and thinks that they can just charm the pants off of someone else for no other reason than they are who they think they are? That person is annoying and people don't like that person. People might kiss that person's ass to their face, but that doesn't change the level of annoyance that other people have at that jackass's self-righteousness. The Obama administration has been rolling in their own self-righteousness since they won the election. That whole "Because I won, that's why" act that they've had since last November is getting old. And NOT getting the Olympics is a definitive statement that "You can't have everything that you want for the sole reason that you're you". The administration can ignore all of the other "failures" that they've had so far by just not talking about them or by spinning them to look like they're in their favor. It's really hard to spin not getting the Olympics in a way that people still think that they got something out of the deal.

President Barry and his wife had no business going over to Copenhagen and trying to smile their way into winning an Olympic bid. None. If he's going to do it for Chicago, I would certainly hope that he plans on doing it for any other city in the US if they bid for the Olympics when he's in office. After all, he's not even from Chicago. He's from Kenya. (Oh, I kid! I KID!!! He IS a US citizen! I swear! I kid!! I KID!!)

According to Michelle Malkin, this little ego trip that President Barry and Michelle Obama took over there to Copenhagen didn't come cheap. According to her website, "A 2006 congressional study pegged the cost of flying Air Force One at $56,518 an hour. The Pentagon recently said it cost $100,219 an hour to fly the huge, reconfigured Boeing 747 without Obama aboard. The Pentagon estimate included more costs for support needs, such as maintenance." My only question about those figures is the part about flying the plane without President Barry aboard it. Um, why would that be? That's the only reason for the plane right? To fly his ass around? If he's not on it, why is it in the air? Oh, right. Photo ops in front of the Statue of Liberty. I forgot.

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Our Cardboard President

President Barry and his lovely wife, the impeccably stylish Michelle Obama, are a very photogenic couple. That's a good thing for the leader of a country as vain as the United States. We like it when we're represented by a good looking chap (or chapette). I'd imagine other countries do as well. Like it when they are represented by a good looking leader, that is. But I've noticed that President Barry always has the same look when he's taking pictures with foreign leaders. He's like a cardboard cutout every single time and he looks exactly the same every single time!

Fortunately, the G20 is in town (and by "town" I mean "the United States") and that give us the perfect opportunity to observe President Barry's cardboard photogenic nature as well as it gives us a chance to see how the leaders and their spouses from other countries interact via photo ops with the Obamas. They seem to fall into three categories. There are the folks that are perfectly fine with having their picture snapped with Mr. and Mrs. Charisma. There are the folks that are seemingly not perfectly fine with the photo op. And then there are those who are OK with the photo op, but only because they seem to think that it gives them an opportunity to show either how chummy they (think they) are with the Obamas, or so they can show how much better than the Obamas they are. But through it all, President Barry? Looks the same, that is correct.

Here we have the President of the Republic of Cameroon, a one H.E. Paul Biya and his wife, Mrs. Chantal Biya. It would seem that Mrs. Chantal thinks rather highly of herself. She also seems to want to be one of the Supremes or something.

Here are the Obamas with the Prime Minister of Montenegro, one T.H. Milo Djukanovic and his wife, Mrs. Djukanovic. (That's all I've got. Last name: Djukanovic. First name: Mrs.) If Montenegro isn't ringing a bell, that's because it used to be part of Serbia until 2006. Judging from the demeanor or Mrs. Montenegro there, I'm guessing things are going OK over there since the Serbian exit. Probably still a little bomb-y on occasion, but they don't look like they're going to let it phase them much.

Next up, the Obamas with the President of the Union of the Comoros, a one H.E. Ahmed Abdallah Mohamed Sambi, and his wife, Mrs. Djoudi Hadjir. Why the different last names? I don't know either. But I don't appear to be the only one who is confused. The Mrs. there seems a bit concerned that Michelle Obama is so close to her. Either that or she's a bit concerned that President Barry is so close to her husband. Hmmm. I wonder how they roll over there in the Comoros?

Here is President Barry and Michelle with the folks from Armenia. I like the way that they have named their leader. Instead of President or Prime Minister or Grand Poobah, Armenia has chosen to go with the title of Permanent Representative. So here we have the Permanent Representative of Armenia to the United Nations, one H.E. Garen Nazarian and his wife, Mrs. Siranoush Nazarian. Behold!

Say, does the H.E. stand for something that I am unaware of? This is the third H.E. leader that we've run across here. If they were all from the same country, I might be able to attribute it to something like that, but they're not. I mean, seriously, H.E. isn't exactly an overly common set of initials. The only thing I can think of would maybe be His Excellency? I guess that would make the one guy whose first initials were T.E., The Excellency? Rather presumptuous of that guy if that were really the case, eh? Anyway, moving on!

Onto Brunei! Wow! I had no idea that Don King was one of the representatives for Brunei. What's that? That's not Don King? Whoa. Awkward. But in fact, that is the Minister of Foreign Affairs and Trade of Brunei Darussalam, a one H.R.H. Prince Mohamed Bolkiah and H.R.H. Pengiran Anak Isteri Pengiran Anak Hajah Zariah. What's with the repeating name there? Pengiran Anak, Pengiran Anak? Who needs seven names? He's just Prince Mohamed. What's her deal? Insecure much?

Here's the Prime Minister of Japan, a one H.E. Yukio Hatoyama and his new wife, Mrs. Miyuki "I traveled aboard a spaceship to Venus" Hatoyama. I think that this is the closest that President Barry has been to any of the other diplomats in all of these photos. He's probably trying to get close enough so that he can ask Yukio there what the deal is with his very pleasant, but seemingly whack-a-doo wifey.

Please welcome the linebacker Prime Minster of Tuvalu, a one T.H. Apisai Ielemia and his defensive linewife, Lady Ielemia. Behold!

The folks in the Solomon Islands seem to have more of a thing for elongated titles than those over there in Brunei. Please welcome (deep breath) the Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Development and Indigenous Affairs of Solomon Islands, (breathe again!) T.H. Fredrick Fono and his wife, Mrs. Helen A. Fono. Is there something wrong with introducing them as Fred and Helen from the Islands? Fred seems like a hoot. Helen seems wary of people in general, especially the guy with the camera.

I'm guessing that the reason that H.E. Ali Ahmed Jama Jangeli, who is the Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Transitional Federal Government of the Somali Republic (good Lord, another long titler) looks so unhappy is because he must have realized that he forgot to take off his hat after his shift at the burger joint was over. But boy, his wife, Mrs. Jama (bless you and your short, short name, Mrs. Jama!), she seems to be having a great, great time in America. I'm sure their marriage is just constant bliss.

Apparently, the more Middle East-y we get, the more grumpy the leaders get. Look at the Emir of the State of Qatar, His Highness Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Al-Thani, and H.H. Sheikha Mozah Consort of His Highness The Emir of the State of Qatar. They're just angry folk is what they are. Angry and mustachioed. Never a good combination.

But look at President Barry in all of these photos when I put him next to himself. He's the same! He doesn't change! Even his feet are the same! Even his hand is the same! What's with his thumb? Can't he ever position that in some different direction? Michelle manages to move herself around! What the heck is wrong with President Barry that he can't do the same thing? It's not natural, I'm telling you. I find it rather unnerving.

I've only shown you a few of these cardboard cutout photo ops that President Barry has done since the whole G20 thing began on Thursday. There are over 130 photos of the Obamas with Mr. and Mrs. Other Country over at the White House Flickr photo stream. Yes, the White House has a Flickr photo stream. They're hip. They've told us so. Feel free to click the link above and check it out. But if you're hoping to catch President Barry in a different pose or looking like something with a pulse, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

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This Beltway is the Wrong Way

I'll be the first to admit, I'm far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel is probably more like it (though I do possess the uncanny ability to pick out which shoes go with any outfit; a talent that has succeeded in advancing my place in life approximately never). But from monger to mongrel, from blogger to blogee, from layman to standman, for the love of God will someone please explain to Michelle Obama how to wear a damn belt for Christ's sake?!

I love Michelle Obama. I find her to be about as real as any wife of a politician can be. She also seems to take that whole 'I am a mother and these are my children, so back off' role rather seriously, which I appreciate and respect a heck of a lot more than the realness of a politician's wife. And being one who isn't all fashion-y herself, I don't necessarily think that I should be one to judge. That would just be like, "Hello, Kettle? This is The Pot. You're black!" (By the way, I find that delivery of that particular analogy funny. Every. Time.) But even I know when something like this is fashionably amiss. Behold!

Seriously. It's just wrong. And trust me, as a fashion mongrel, if even I can sense that it's wrong, then it's really wrong. Look at her standing there next to the luscious Carla Bruni. Look at the difference in torso size as defined by the location of the belt! Carla Bruni looks fine. Michelle Obama's stature is akin to that of a grape on top of a candlestick. The thing is that it can so easily be fixed. So why isn't it?! Where the bottom of her belt lies in these photos is where the top of the belt should probably be. That's all it would take. It would at least be a start! And YES, I am familiar with how a belt works. Complicated contraption, but thanks for asking. I understand that there is the hip factor involved. But come on! Where she's wearing the belt now, it's like a shelf for her breasts. No one needs that, really. Do they?

God, and it just keeps going.....


And going.....


And going.....

She's a tall woman. Wearing a belt in such a manner that makes it appear as if your torso is comparable to that of Herve Villachaize is not a flattering look. Again, breast shelf. A shelf for breasts. Unnecessary and unwelcome.

The fact that she seems to have a favorite belt does not help the situation. What? You haven't noticed her favorite belt? I'm I the only one who knows about the favorite belt? In fact, three of the five photos above (those would be the last three) involve the belt of choice. If I glance at a photo of her and it appears that she is be-belted, I immediately check to see if it is the belt Quite often, it is. The belt. Behold!

It appears to be some sort of shiny, be-studded number. Behold!

One which I assume clasps or....what do belts do? Cinch? Cinch in the back? Whatever it is, you just keep beholding! There's more of that belt and whatever it does where that belt came from!

Even has it in white, for cryin' out loud! (Granted, not the best photo for the accentuation of the white version of the belt, but trust me. It's the same. Only white.)

And let's face it, our First Lady is hot. She doesn't need the belt. She's perfectly capable of rockin' many other looks that are sans belt. For instance....behold!

See? Now there, she might be be-belted, but you don't really notice for a variety of reasons. A) You're busy wondering why her pants are so short (Answer: It's OK. They're supposed to be like that for some unknown reason. Me? I say, Make a choice! Shorts or pants! You can't have both!), B) You're busy scoping out the one bare shoulder look and praying to God that the Flashdance look doesn't come roaring back, or C) It's all camouflaged up in there by the spectacular pattern of...stuff that she has going on there.

Are you going to tell me that any of our other recent First Ladies could have pulled that look off? Hillary?

OH, stop screaming! It's only Photoshop. Calm down. But you see what I'm saying, correct? I mean, even in the photo below, taken on Stevie Wonder night at the White House a couple of months back, where Michelle is trying out her Whitney Houston look, she looks pretty good and she can pull it off, but the belt is just too darned high.

So then I started thinking, why does she need a belt at all? I'll show you why. Behold! Why!

OK, so we've established that without a belt, she can look rather frock-ish. But with a belt in the wrong place, she can really look a bit like someone grabbed two Garanimals tags that didn't match. It's like someone put the giraffe with the tiger or some other animal that isn't a giraffe. (Not that I have anything against giraffes. I happen to be quite fond! I'm just sayin'.) But whose to say that she has to be wearing a dress all the time? Behold!

Now we're talkin'. Belt's still up there, but it blends with everything else, so you don't notice as much. Bravo!

So, what have we learned? Plenty. We've learned that Michelle Obama wears her belts too high and that she does not seem to need the breast shelf that it seems to create. We've learned that she appears to have a favorite belt which comes in both black and white (just like her husband). We've also learned that Michelle Obama can definitely rock a pair of trousers or slacks or whatever those are just fine. And finally, we've learned that I pay attention to some of the weirdest things that are out there.

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The Latest Fakeroversy: Grope-gate

Remember the last time that President Barry had an interaction with Prime Minister (known to some as the Prime Mentalist, but whichever you prefer) Gordon Brown? PM Gordie gave President Barry some sort of desktop pen holder that was carved from the wood of Noah's Ark by Jesus himself (or something like that, I really can't remember all of the details, only that it was extremely extravagant) and President Barry gifted back with a box of 25 DVDs. 25 DVDs that turned out to be the wrong region and therefore were unplayable over there in the UK. Oh. Unfortunate indeed.

Side note: I had initially defended the gift, saying that a gift is a gift and you should just say 'thank you' even if you hate it because it's polite, etc. And while I still don't think that it was a horrible gift, it was absolutely a bonehead of a play for someone to not get the correct region of DVDs. That's pretty lame. You can give any gift you want to, but it does have to work! That's the rule. You can't give gifts that are broken or incompatible because if they are, then they're no longer called 'gifts''; they're called 'crap'.

Somehow it seemed that everyone got all up in arms about the whole incident and the media was the arm-iest of them all and blew it hugely out of proportion into a fakeroversy (fake controversy) of epic proportions. So when I heard that President Barry was going to be meeting with the Queen whilst he was over there for the G20 Summit, I thought that he would find a way to redeem himself with the media and show the citizens of the UK that he doesn't hate them. (But even if he did hate the Brits, which he doesn't, how would that translate into purposely giving the Prime Minister a crappy gift? It wouldn't. That's why it's a ridiculous notion to toss around there. You know who you are.) President Barry might be redeemed (or, at least, forgiven), but that didn't stop the criticism from becoming media fodder around the globe. What did he do, you ask? He didn't do anything. It was Michelle who was the fakeroversy topic this time. Because she touched the Queen. Wait. What?

Correct. She touched the Queen. Touching the Queen, while it may sound like some sort of San Francisco parlor game, is apparently a bad thing. It's like the Queen has this glowing ring of kryptonite which surrounds her and no one is allowed to cross the plane of said glow. And Michelle Obama touched her. What was she thinking? Maybe she was thinking that since the Queen touched her first that it was....wait. What was that? The part about who touched who first. The Queen touched Michelle first? The Queen started it? And Michelle touched back?! Oh, sweet fancy Moses, those in the media are morons.

Let me just sum up how this meeting went. President Barry and Mrs. Barry met with the Queen and a guy who is supposed to be her husband, Prince Philip, but reminded me of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Anyway, they met and the Obamas towered over the Royal Lilliputian couple. They exchanged gifts. (Here's where I cringed. I was waiting for President Barry to whip out either a very redeeming gift to make up for Gift Gate, or I was waiting for him to whip out that box of 25 DVDs that he gave to Gordie and re-gift it to the Queen. (Talk about breaking protocol! You never re-gift to a Queen. Never!) President Barry gave the Queen an iPod filled with showtunes. Quaint. The Queen gave President Barry a framed picture of herself and Mr. Burns. (As a friend had said to me about this: Ostentatious much?) Then they took some photos. Then they were whisked away to some secret location for some reception with a bunch of the other G20 folks (those would be the G19.)Then things start to get weird. Or they don't. It just depends on whether you're going to buy into the fakeroversy or not.

At the little chat fest, the Queen, who is not known for being overly affectionate, reached around Michelle Obama and appeared to give her one of those side hugs where you're just barely touching the other person. It's like your appendage is just hovering right above the surface of their skin, but it's not all the way touching. In light of that display of affection, Michelle must have figured out that it would be rude to not return the gesture and she gave the Queen the same side-hover hug. That lasted for about 10 seconds. Then the Queen removed her arm and a few moments later, Michelle removed her arm. That's it.

That's it?!?! Yep. That's it. Oh, wait, there was one more thing. Michelle said to the Queen: "I really enjoyed our meeting." In response, the Queen said to Michelle, "Now we've met, will you please keep in touch?" Aaahh. Sounds like she was still a bit peeved from all of the touching, doesn't it? NO! It doesn't! What is wrong with the media?!

Seriously. Now that you know the story, let's look at some of the headlines that were used to describe this incident and turned it into the huge fakeroversy that it became. The folks over there at Time Magazine ran with the headline: "The Queen and Mrs. Obama: Did the First Lady Break Protocol?" CNN.com went with the equally inflammatory: "Michelle Obama's warm touch with Queen draws gasps." (Did it? I don't think it did. Pipe down, CNN.) And then there's Fox News who wrapped up the fakeroversy trifecta with: "Don't Touch: Michelle Obama Abandons Protocol With the Queen." Please. Please make it stop.

So now I keep hearing/reading the term "breaking protocol" or "a breach of protocol." According to Fox News "It had been considered a breach of protocol to touch the Queen." Hey, Fox News guys! Does your little "Quirky Facts About The Royal Family" pamphlet over there discuss the "protocol" when the untouchable Queen does the touching first?! You know, in many a land, having one person touch you first tends to indicate that they're OK with it if you touch them back. Granted, sometimes they won't be touching back; they'll be running away. But the point is that if someone touches first, they're OK with the reciprocal touch. A concept that was clearly lost on the hoping to incite hysteria media.

Just who is it that sets the protocol? Isn't it the one whom said protocol is for? Regardless, she's the freaking Queen of all of England! She can do whatever she wants, right? In my estimation, the woman is at least 173-years old and seems perfectly able to swat someone off if she thought she was gonna get goosed or something.

So once again, no controversy. False alarm. It's just a fakeroversy. Nothing to see here folks. Move along. Keep it moving, keep it moving. And just remember, George W. Bush not only aged the Queen by about 200 years, he also winked at her. If that isn't a breach of protocol, I'm not sure what is. The video of that tender moment is below.

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