Our Cardboard President

President Barry and his lovely wife, the impeccably stylish Michelle Obama, are a very photogenic couple. That's a good thing for the leader of a country as vain as the United States. We like it when we're represented by a good looking chap (or chapette). I'd imagine other countries do as well. Like it when they are represented by a good looking leader, that is. But I've noticed that President Barry always has the same look when he's taking pictures with foreign leaders. He's like a cardboard cutout every single time and he looks exactly the same every single time!

Fortunately, the G20 is in town (and by "town" I mean "the United States") and that give us the perfect opportunity to observe President Barry's cardboard photogenic nature as well as it gives us a chance to see how the leaders and their spouses from other countries interact via photo ops with the Obamas. They seem to fall into three categories. There are the folks that are perfectly fine with having their picture snapped with Mr. and Mrs. Charisma. There are the folks that are seemingly not perfectly fine with the photo op. And then there are those who are OK with the photo op, but only because they seem to think that it gives them an opportunity to show either how chummy they (think they) are with the Obamas, or so they can show how much better than the Obamas they are. But through it all, President Barry? Looks the same, that is correct.

Here we have the President of the Republic of Cameroon, a one H.E. Paul Biya and his wife, Mrs. Chantal Biya. It would seem that Mrs. Chantal thinks rather highly of herself. She also seems to want to be one of the Supremes or something.

Here are the Obamas with the Prime Minister of Montenegro, one T.H. Milo Djukanovic and his wife, Mrs. Djukanovic. (That's all I've got. Last name: Djukanovic. First name: Mrs.) If Montenegro isn't ringing a bell, that's because it used to be part of Serbia until 2006. Judging from the demeanor or Mrs. Montenegro there, I'm guessing things are going OK over there since the Serbian exit. Probably still a little bomb-y on occasion, but they don't look like they're going to let it phase them much.

Next up, the Obamas with the President of the Union of the Comoros, a one H.E. Ahmed Abdallah Mohamed Sambi, and his wife, Mrs. Djoudi Hadjir. Why the different last names? I don't know either. But I don't appear to be the only one who is confused. The Mrs. there seems a bit concerned that Michelle Obama is so close to her. Either that or she's a bit concerned that President Barry is so close to her husband. Hmmm. I wonder how they roll over there in the Comoros?

Here is President Barry and Michelle with the folks from Armenia. I like the way that they have named their leader. Instead of President or Prime Minister or Grand Poobah, Armenia has chosen to go with the title of Permanent Representative. So here we have the Permanent Representative of Armenia to the United Nations, one H.E. Garen Nazarian and his wife, Mrs. Siranoush Nazarian. Behold!

Say, does the H.E. stand for something that I am unaware of? This is the third H.E. leader that we've run across here. If they were all from the same country, I might be able to attribute it to something like that, but they're not. I mean, seriously, H.E. isn't exactly an overly common set of initials. The only thing I can think of would maybe be His Excellency? I guess that would make the one guy whose first initials were T.E., The Excellency? Rather presumptuous of that guy if that were really the case, eh? Anyway, moving on!

Onto Brunei! Wow! I had no idea that Don King was one of the representatives for Brunei. What's that? That's not Don King? Whoa. Awkward. But in fact, that is the Minister of Foreign Affairs and Trade of Brunei Darussalam, a one H.R.H. Prince Mohamed Bolkiah and H.R.H. Pengiran Anak Isteri Pengiran Anak Hajah Zariah. What's with the repeating name there? Pengiran Anak, Pengiran Anak? Who needs seven names? He's just Prince Mohamed. What's her deal? Insecure much?

Here's the Prime Minister of Japan, a one H.E. Yukio Hatoyama and his new wife, Mrs. Miyuki "I traveled aboard a spaceship to Venus" Hatoyama. I think that this is the closest that President Barry has been to any of the other diplomats in all of these photos. He's probably trying to get close enough so that he can ask Yukio there what the deal is with his very pleasant, but seemingly whack-a-doo wifey.

Please welcome the linebacker Prime Minster of Tuvalu, a one T.H. Apisai Ielemia and his defensive linewife, Lady Ielemia. Behold!

The folks in the Solomon Islands seem to have more of a thing for elongated titles than those over there in Brunei. Please welcome (deep breath) the Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Development and Indigenous Affairs of Solomon Islands, (breathe again!) T.H. Fredrick Fono and his wife, Mrs. Helen A. Fono. Is there something wrong with introducing them as Fred and Helen from the Islands? Fred seems like a hoot. Helen seems wary of people in general, especially the guy with the camera.

I'm guessing that the reason that H.E. Ali Ahmed Jama Jangeli, who is the Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Transitional Federal Government of the Somali Republic (good Lord, another long titler) looks so unhappy is because he must have realized that he forgot to take off his hat after his shift at the burger joint was over. But boy, his wife, Mrs. Jama (bless you and your short, short name, Mrs. Jama!), she seems to be having a great, great time in America. I'm sure their marriage is just constant bliss.

Apparently, the more Middle East-y we get, the more grumpy the leaders get. Look at the Emir of the State of Qatar, His Highness Sheikh Hamad Bin Khalifa Al-Thani, and H.H. Sheikha Mozah Consort of His Highness The Emir of the State of Qatar. They're just angry folk is what they are. Angry and mustachioed. Never a good combination.

But look at President Barry in all of these photos when I put him next to himself. He's the same! He doesn't change! Even his feet are the same! Even his hand is the same! What's with his thumb? Can't he ever position that in some different direction? Michelle manages to move herself around! What the heck is wrong with President Barry that he can't do the same thing? It's not natural, I'm telling you. I find it rather unnerving.

I've only shown you a few of these cardboard cutout photo ops that President Barry has done since the whole G20 thing began on Thursday. There are over 130 photos of the Obamas with Mr. and Mrs. Other Country over at the White House Flickr photo stream. Yes, the White House has a Flickr photo stream. They're hip. They've told us so. Feel free to click the link above and check it out. But if you're hoping to catch President Barry in a different pose or looking like something with a pulse, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

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The Latest Fakeroversy: Grope-gate

Remember the last time that President Barry had an interaction with Prime Minister (known to some as the Prime Mentalist, but whichever you prefer) Gordon Brown? PM Gordie gave President Barry some sort of desktop pen holder that was carved from the wood of Noah's Ark by Jesus himself (or something like that, I really can't remember all of the details, only that it was extremely extravagant) and President Barry gifted back with a box of 25 DVDs. 25 DVDs that turned out to be the wrong region and therefore were unplayable over there in the UK. Oh. Unfortunate indeed.

Side note: I had initially defended the gift, saying that a gift is a gift and you should just say 'thank you' even if you hate it because it's polite, etc. And while I still don't think that it was a horrible gift, it was absolutely a bonehead of a play for someone to not get the correct region of DVDs. That's pretty lame. You can give any gift you want to, but it does have to work! That's the rule. You can't give gifts that are broken or incompatible because if they are, then they're no longer called 'gifts''; they're called 'crap'.

Somehow it seemed that everyone got all up in arms about the whole incident and the media was the arm-iest of them all and blew it hugely out of proportion into a fakeroversy (fake controversy) of epic proportions. So when I heard that President Barry was going to be meeting with the Queen whilst he was over there for the G20 Summit, I thought that he would find a way to redeem himself with the media and show the citizens of the UK that he doesn't hate them. (But even if he did hate the Brits, which he doesn't, how would that translate into purposely giving the Prime Minister a crappy gift? It wouldn't. That's why it's a ridiculous notion to toss around there. You know who you are.) President Barry might be redeemed (or, at least, forgiven), but that didn't stop the criticism from becoming media fodder around the globe. What did he do, you ask? He didn't do anything. It was Michelle who was the fakeroversy topic this time. Because she touched the Queen. Wait. What?

Correct. She touched the Queen. Touching the Queen, while it may sound like some sort of San Francisco parlor game, is apparently a bad thing. It's like the Queen has this glowing ring of kryptonite which surrounds her and no one is allowed to cross the plane of said glow. And Michelle Obama touched her. What was she thinking? Maybe she was thinking that since the Queen touched her first that it was....wait. What was that? The part about who touched who first. The Queen touched Michelle first? The Queen started it? And Michelle touched back?! Oh, sweet fancy Moses, those in the media are morons.

Let me just sum up how this meeting went. President Barry and Mrs. Barry met with the Queen and a guy who is supposed to be her husband, Prince Philip, but reminded me of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Anyway, they met and the Obamas towered over the Royal Lilliputian couple. They exchanged gifts. (Here's where I cringed. I was waiting for President Barry to whip out either a very redeeming gift to make up for Gift Gate, or I was waiting for him to whip out that box of 25 DVDs that he gave to Gordie and re-gift it to the Queen. (Talk about breaking protocol! You never re-gift to a Queen. Never!) President Barry gave the Queen an iPod filled with showtunes. Quaint. The Queen gave President Barry a framed picture of herself and Mr. Burns. (As a friend had said to me about this: Ostentatious much?) Then they took some photos. Then they were whisked away to some secret location for some reception with a bunch of the other G20 folks (those would be the G19.)Then things start to get weird. Or they don't. It just depends on whether you're going to buy into the fakeroversy or not.

At the little chat fest, the Queen, who is not known for being overly affectionate, reached around Michelle Obama and appeared to give her one of those side hugs where you're just barely touching the other person. It's like your appendage is just hovering right above the surface of their skin, but it's not all the way touching. In light of that display of affection, Michelle must have figured out that it would be rude to not return the gesture and she gave the Queen the same side-hover hug. That lasted for about 10 seconds. Then the Queen removed her arm and a few moments later, Michelle removed her arm. That's it.

That's it?!?! Yep. That's it. Oh, wait, there was one more thing. Michelle said to the Queen: "I really enjoyed our meeting." In response, the Queen said to Michelle, "Now we've met, will you please keep in touch?" Aaahh. Sounds like she was still a bit peeved from all of the touching, doesn't it? NO! It doesn't! What is wrong with the media?!

Seriously. Now that you know the story, let's look at some of the headlines that were used to describe this incident and turned it into the huge fakeroversy that it became. The folks over there at Time Magazine ran with the headline: "The Queen and Mrs. Obama: Did the First Lady Break Protocol?" CNN.com went with the equally inflammatory: "Michelle Obama's warm touch with Queen draws gasps." (Did it? I don't think it did. Pipe down, CNN.) And then there's Fox News who wrapped up the fakeroversy trifecta with: "Don't Touch: Michelle Obama Abandons Protocol With the Queen." Please. Please make it stop.

So now I keep hearing/reading the term "breaking protocol" or "a breach of protocol." According to Fox News "It had been considered a breach of protocol to touch the Queen." Hey, Fox News guys! Does your little "Quirky Facts About The Royal Family" pamphlet over there discuss the "protocol" when the untouchable Queen does the touching first?! You know, in many a land, having one person touch you first tends to indicate that they're OK with it if you touch them back. Granted, sometimes they won't be touching back; they'll be running away. But the point is that if someone touches first, they're OK with the reciprocal touch. A concept that was clearly lost on the hoping to incite hysteria media.

Just who is it that sets the protocol? Isn't it the one whom said protocol is for? Regardless, she's the freaking Queen of all of England! She can do whatever she wants, right? In my estimation, the woman is at least 173-years old and seems perfectly able to swat someone off if she thought she was gonna get goosed or something.

So once again, no controversy. False alarm. It's just a fakeroversy. Nothing to see here folks. Move along. Keep it moving, keep it moving. And just remember, George W. Bush not only aged the Queen by about 200 years, he also winked at her. If that isn't a breach of protocol, I'm not sure what is. The video of that tender moment is below.

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