Grammy Fashion Spectacles

I got all distracted yesterday with the inevitable demise of Whitney Houston that I totally overlooked the fashion at the Grammys. Now, I'm not so much of a fashion monger as much as I probably am a fashion monger. Don't get me wrong. I know what pants are. I just don't care. See the difference? Whichever way it is wouldn't really matter because I'd be telling you what I thought about what a bunch of really rich people were wearing whether you liked it or not. And I'd start with Fergie. Behold!

Aside from her looking like an orange traffic cone, I gotta say that I'm a little disappointed that the one time that Fergie wears a see through outfit in a well-lit environment that she's wearing Granny panties. Throw us a bone, Fergie! I guess it could have been worse. She could have shown up wearing whatever someone named Robyn had on. Behold!

OK, I'm going to go right ahead and just confess that I have no idea who Robyn is. I also have no idea what she's wearing. Is that a cape? Or a veil? Why is her t-shirt tucked into her Granny panties? And exactly where does she plan on hiking with boots such as those? They seem highly impractical for any sort of wooded trail. Whoever this woman is (if she is, in fact, a woman for sure), her skirt is a little short. Can't she cover up a little bit? Maybe like....

OK, maybe not that much. What's with the house coat, Valerie Simpson? Did she stop off at a southwestern gift shop and pick up that ensemble on her way to the Grammys? Was there also a hurricane? She looks a little toussled. Wind blown, even. Like she got caught up in a storm on the way to pick up some Haagen Dazs. Speaking of windblown, did you see Rihanna?

Sure, that looks like a perfectly healthy weight. Absolutely. And if the camera adds ten pounds, then that means she must weigh all of eighty. Have a sandwich once in a while, sweetie. And don't leave your hair in the curling iron for so long. That's how you end up with those fried ends there. No one wants to see that. Then again, she does have "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her fingers. Maybe that's the thug way. Frying your hair until it's just a mop of frizz. Isn't there a fresh, young singer on the scene today that can show us something...else?

NO! Rebecca Black does NOT count! Why is she even at the Grammys? She had that awful and ironic hit 'Friday' that makes me want to kill myself whenever I hear it. She does not count. What else is there?

Umm...no. But...thanks? Yeah, no. Who? Skylar Grey? Never heard of her. Wish I'd never seen her. Anything else? Anything?

She looks like a fruity drink that you'd get at a tropical bar. You know. The kind of drink that you think looks good, but then you realize that it is staring right at you and will never blink. The kind of drink that looks a little crazy and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what it's called. No, I just want someone who attended the Grammys who looked good. Who looked classy. There's gotta be someone.

Oh, finally! Carrie Underfed to save the day! Man, she's good looking. And she seems like a genuinely good person. She seems humble and grateful and just like a regular person who has her act together in spite of all of her fame and success. I highly doubt that we're ever going to find her underwater in a hotel bathtub. Too soon? Nah. More like too late. Gramm

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Nice Shirt

I'm not a fan of the mushroom. I find them to have the consistency of an eraser. If that's the sort of sensation that I wanted, I'd just go an find a #2 pencil to chew on rather than seek out a mushroom. But Belinda and Daniel Conne do not feel the same way about mushrooms as I do. They apparently really like mushrooms. They like them so much that they went out into the forest to hunt for something called the hedgehog mushroom. (It is "...an orange-topped fungus prized by mushroom hunters for its sweet and nutty flavor." If they say so. I'm not eating one to find out.) And wouldn't you know it, they got lost. And I mean lost. They were lost in a forest in Oregon for six days. That's really lost.

Now, when someone is lost it is customary (and probably useful) for a picture of the lost individual(s) to be handed out and shown to folks so that they know who they're looking for. If you don't know what the lost person looks like, you're not so much out looking for them as much as you are just wandering around. But let me just say this: If I'm ever lost and a photo of me needs to be circulated to the public, I hope that my friends and family can provide a picture of me with as equally as nice of a shirt as Mr. Conne had on in the picture that was circulated of the couple. Behold!

That's just lovely. Can't quite see if? Mr. Conne's shirt appears to depict several skeletal couples in various sexual positions. They're f***ing, if you will. Effing skeletons. Literally! I realize that image might be a bit hard to see, so I've scoured the Internet looking for a better picture of that very search. (Yeah, let's just hope there's no reason for anyone to go through my Internet history any time soon. That's all I need is to have that sort of search showing up. No, really, I can explain!) Behold!

Yeah, that's what I want to be wearing when I go missing. That's what I want people to be looking at in the handout photos of me. Seriously, were there NO other pictures of this man where he wasn't wearing an article of clothing which depicted sexual acts? I'm going to have to say that I bet that there was at least one. Maybe even two. But for some reason, someone decided that this was the one to go with! Remember that the next time you're thinking about wearing a shirt like this:

Or even this:

Because remember, you could end up missing and your probably well-meaning (but not straight thinking) family might hand out these pictures to the public. Then you will forever be known as the guy in the fornicating skeleton shirt (or the d**khead) who got his ass lost while looking for mushrooms. That's no way to go through life, son. Trust me.

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I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr. DeMille

I have just stumbled upon a rather disturbing Tumblr called Celebrity Close Up. It's just what it sounds like it is. It's a bunch of really close pictures of celebrities. And I mean close. Like scary close. Like so close, you really don't want to ever look at that celebrity again. I'll give you some examples. (All examples are being provided with neither permission, nor malice.) Here is the lovely (from far away) Zooey Deschanel. As you can see, she clearly bleaches that little moustache of hers. Behold!

Um, yeah. Back off! Seriously, I feel like I'm intruding on her personal space. Or maybe it's more like I feel as if she's intruding on mine. Whatever it is, it creeps me out. It doesn't creep me out as much as this close up of fashion designer John Galliano, however.

See, that just scares me. And that's no where near as big and as close up as they appear on the actual Tumblr. And I don't want to steal/borrow all of their stuff when you could (and should) just go over there and see for yourself. Just try and position yourself as far away from your monitor as you can. You'll only hurt yourself if you don't.

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Condi And Moammar, Sittin' In A Tree

So now that Gaddafi's compound has been taken over by the rebels, we're getting a glimpse into some of the things that the man had a penchant for. Some are more surprising than others. Personally, I was hoping that they'd come upon something with his name spelled on it so that there would finally be some sort of consensus. Maybe like a utility bill or his driver's license or something similar. But as far as I know, nothing like that has turned up yet. What has turned up? Well, for starters, we have this gun. Behold! How come dictators always have lots of guns like this one, but yet when it comes time to fight, they're no where to be found. What good is a gold and diamond plated firearm if you're not going to use it? Then again, if you're a dictator, chances are you're probably pretty cowardly anyway, so I guess that explains it. What has yet to be explained is Gaddafi's apparent love for a one Condoleezza Rice. That's right. Condi. Behold! That's a little odd. I mean, I suppose that she's an attractive woman and all. I just have never thought of her as the sort of attractive that would have someone practically stalking her. Then again, this is kind of a crazy dictator, so I guess anything is possible. He's been quoted as saying "I support my darling black African woman...I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders. ... Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. ... I love her very much. I admire her, and I'm proud of her, because she's a black woman of African origin." Now, I don't know about you, but I hear "Leezza" and I think "Gibbons".Gaddafi was really into Condi, though. He didn't think "Gibbons" when he heard her name. No, he wanted her. Badly.

I don't know why I find this all amusing. I'm sure that everyone has their little quirks. I'm sure that everyone has a thing for a former Secretary of State and they keep photo albums of her. Right? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. I can't wait to hear what other things Gaddafi has in his compound. (You know there's porn. It's just a matter of what kind of porn.)

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A Blast From The Past

So, holy shishkabob, I had a really busy day. Family birthday party, entertaining guests, you know how it goes. And what do I do to relax when it's finally, finally over? I mean, what did I do to relax after I got done watching a documentary about hot dog joints across America? That's right. I started perusing photos over yonder at The White House Museum online. It's a pretty cool site. Lots of pictures of the White House (as the title might lead you to believe). Some old, some new. It's just a nice leisurely walk through some history. And it's also where I ran across this photo. Behold!

I don't know what it is about this that I find so fascinating. Obviously the fact that it's in color has something to do with the fascination. He appears to be a rather unkempt fellow. Why didn't he comb his hair? His tie looks crooked as well. He also looks exhausted and/or like he could drop dead any minute. (Here's to hoping this wasn't taken before he trotted off to Ford's Theater.) I don't know what about it that makes me just think. Maybe it's because this guy that I know has his whole family in Washington, DC right now and they're touring all of the memorials and remembering how cool it is that we are a (technically) free country. I don't know what it is. I just think it's cool. And I really want a hot dog right now.

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What Is This Relic?

I was out and about today and I saw the item pictured below. It looked vaguely familiar, but I just couldn't quite place it. It was like it came from another time and another place. It almost kind of looks like a precursor to my cell phone, but with all of those buttons on there and that long cord-like looking thing, it couldn't be. Well, whatever it is, I found it fascinating.

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A Horse Is A Horse, Of...Course?

Seriously? I've got nothing today. It's not like it's a totally slow news day, but pretty much. They're still protesting in Wisconsin and there isn't a Democrat Senator in sight. Sarah Palin has spoken up and stated that President Barry's problem is that he's inexperienced. This coming straight from the mouth of a woman who didn't quite manage to finish out half a term as governor. We've got a college professor at Northwestern University who apologized for the live demonstration for one of his classes of a couple of people using a sex toy. (A sex toy that, as it turned out, was attached to the end of a reciprocating saw, for cryin' out loud.) And the Nissan Leaf, the car that was supposed to cut our nation's dependence on oil so that we can stop kissing the ass of the sand lands, managed to sell 67 in the month of February. Not 6,700. Not 67,000. 67. (Mind you, we're a country of over 300,000,000 people. They sold 67. Gas is going to be $4 a gallon any day now. And you and I are going to be bending over at the pump and paying it. We are so scroomed.) And while that seems like a lot of stuff to choose from, it all just makes my ass so incredibly tired I cannot even tell you. (And yeah, I don't know what the deal is with that sheep. But it kind of sums everything up in a weird sort of way.)

So for today, compliments of BuzzFeed, what say we just enjoy the best family portrait ever. At least, I think it's the best. It could be the worst. All I know is that it has a little bit of everything. Daughter with a look of despair on her face and what appears to be an expired guinea pig hanging from her belt. A woman in a wheelchair in the background. Dad with an arm garter with one dollar bills tucked into it. Did I mention that the dad is also wearing some sort of horse costume so that he looks like a centaur? He is. And the mom with a child's airline pilot wings stuck to her forehead and her ample cleavage mostly squashed into her failing corset. There's no telling how far south these folks live. I'm also going to guess that there isn't a full set of teeth between the three of them. Behold!

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Keep Your Shirt On!

As you may or may not care to be aware, President Barry is vacationing in Hawaii, the state where he was born (NOT Kenya!). The other day, the White House issues "strict instructions" (whatever that is supposed to mean) that they were not allowing anyone to take any pictures of President Barry without his shirt on. Isn't he the leader of the "free world"? Doesn't sound so "free" if pictures can't be taken of him without his shirt on. But what if someone were to take a picture of a shirtless President Barry? Would that be so bad? Have you seen him without his shirt on before? Hell, no, it wouldn't be that bad. Behold!

See? I don't see what's so wrong with that! He looks fine! Since when can someone lay down rules about what one can and cannot photograph? In America! Don't get me wrong. If they were going to say that no one can take a picture of the President shirtless, I certainly wish they would have made that rule long before now. Do you know how many other Presidents have been photographed shirtless? Way too many for my taste, thanks. Let's have a look. We'll start with Bill Clinton. Really? Did we need to see this? Behold!

Put your shirt back on. Please? I also found the picture below of ol' Willie Jeff shirtless. I don't quite understand what's going on to each side of him, but I'm sure that he found it pleasurable. Probably in more ways than one.

Here's Ronald Reagan sans shirt. Why wasn't there a moratorium on photos like THIS?!

No, I don't know why it's in black and white. I'm pretty sure that he was President during the years of color photography (even though he probably spent most of his life sitting for oil paintings). And here's Gerald Ford without a shirt.

Not bad, but he's kind of old so it's kind of weird. And what's with the poolside robe? Was that an early 1970s trademark? Wearing a robe before taking a dip? Interesting. And again with the black and white picture. Here's Lyndon B. Johnson getting as close to shirtless as I am comfortable with, as he shows reporters his scar from his gall bladder surgery.
>

How many of us know an old guy who is just like that? They'll start telling you a story about something that happened to them and the next thing you know, they're practically disrobing right in front of you as if you wouldn't believe them otherwise. No, no! I believe that you almost had your grundle shot off by the Nazis, Grandpa! Put your pants back on!

I just don't get what the big deal is. If President Barry doesn't want his picture taken without his shirt on, as the leader of the free world (with the key word there being "free") I suggest that he keep his shirt on rather than telling folks what they can and can't take a picture of. I'm also going to say that I'll be deeply disappointing in all of the paparazzi out there if they can't manage to get a picture of him shirtless anyway. That's their job. After all, the word "paparazzi" is derived from an old Italian term meaning "A-holes who invade your privacy to get pictures that tabloids will pay for". Chop-chop!

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Tea Party Photo Goodness

Yesterday was tax day here in the US. And as one could expect, there were Tea Party protests/rallies/demonstrations across the country. They were entertaining, but not as entertaining as the health care protests last summer were. Now those were something. One of the main differences that I've noticed is that the Tea Party folks, for the most part, can spell. That doesn't mean they know what they're talking about, but it is concerting that they have a grasp of the basics. That being said, let's take a look at some signs and scenes from yesterday, shall we?

Here we have a child being made to hold a sign that is supposed to represent her feelings. The sign reads "Obama took my toof fairy money!" He apparently also took the forward facing Fs, Rs and Es, as well as the TH sound.

That wasn't the only sign wielding child out yesterday. Here's another one. Um, honey? I'm not so sure that you want to be part of a "tea bagger family". Tea party family, perhaps. But I think that being a "tea bagger family" is probably illegal. Definitely off-putting.

I appreciated the originality of the Tea Party Mobile or whatever you want to call it below. I like how there's just a little bit of everything thrown in there. Jesus. Truth. Insanity. Disaster. Lies. Taxes. Pork. Health care. Right. Wrong. Repent. Perverts. Wait. Perverts? Yep. Over there on the left. Next to Pork. Perverts. OK. I'm against perverts. Nice. Thanks.

This was one of the very few misspelled signs that were out there. The sign to the left of it was one of the most all inclusive signs out there.

It wouldn't be a protest in America without some nutjob questioning President Barry's citizenship. What is wrong with you people?

Where's the birth certificate? It's on the Internet, nutjob. And yes, it's real. For cryin' out loud.

And along those same lines, it just wouldn't be a protest without someone making the Obama-Osama comparison. Yes, we know. They sound a lot alike. Adolf and Rudolph sound a lot alike as well, but you don't hear folks comparing that little reindeer fellow to Hitler, now, do you?

Ahh. Go back to Kenya. Lovely. You're not doing a lot to add credibility to your cause, but you do make me laugh, so that's something. By the way, HE'S NOT FROM KENYA! Morons.

And here we have a little birther action combined with a little "In Living Color" action. Interesting combo to say the least.

Why bother with multiple signs when you can just cram it all onto one piece of poster board. The problem with it is that they're really only taking a stand against two of those things. They don't want the fascism or the socialism and they seem to think that the Obamacare sucks. Other than that, they're just sort of stating issues. Oh, how I only wish they had stated what "ALIAN CARE" was exactly and why it is illegal.

I've got feathers and a pitchfork. I also have torches and axe handles if you need some of those as well, sir.

And finally, we have these folks. The one, dressed like a priest (I think) is proclaiming that God hates taxes. I don't know why God would care about taxes. God doesn't pay taxes. But that's not really what I'm focused on here. I'm focused on what in the hell that is over to the right of that dude! It's like one of those guys from the cantina in Star Wars wearing some sort of mossy coat and trousers. It's odd and I have no idea what it has to do with tax protests. And I'm dying to know what brochure he's holding.

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FARCES of Coal

I shouldn't have to come up with reasons for why you don't want to be a moron. Or a dumbass. You should care about whether you are a dumbass or a moron or not. I mean, if you're really dumb or you're really moronic, I realize that maybe hard to do. You know, what with genetics and all. But it's important that you pay attention and you try to stay if not a step ahead, than at least caught up. Otherwise, unscrupulous groups and organizations with nothing else to gain except for their own personal interests will try to take advantage of you and your soft, soft head. If you need a helmet, please put it on now and I'll explain to you how things like this work. Let's begin.

There is a group out there called FACES of Coal. FACES stands for "Federation for American Coal, Energy and Security." Catchy. They're pro-coal. Now, if you've been following the shrieking of the environmentalists lately (and by "lately" I mean "always") you have undoubtedly heard that coal is bad. Or maybe you've heard that coal is very bad. Very, very bad. It's only good for putting in naughty children's stockings. I had heard that one of their slogans was going to be: "Coal: The only energy source used to punish those who misbehave."

Before I continue, I would like to state that I don't know enough about coal to say whether I'm pro-coal or anti-coal. I am definitely anti-coal in my stocking, that much I can state with great assuredness. Other than that, I don't know. I know coal is dirty and soot-y, but I also know it gets hot as hell and is a fabulous heat source. If you were to ask me if the soot and what not is a fair trade for the warmth and heat, the answer might be "Probably not." But an awful lot of folks rely on coal as a way to keep warm, including our delightful lawmakers. Tell you what, as soon as the folks up there on Capitol Hill start acting concerned that the Capitol building is heated by the Capitol Power Plant which runs on coal, then I will act concerned as well. But as long as we're keeping the fat, rich asses of our Senators and Congress folk all nice and roasty warm with coal, I don't see this country's usage of coal going anywhere anytime soon, whether I agree with it or not. But that doesn't mean that I want to be lied to about it.

The folks over there at the FACES of Coal have a website which shows pictures of all sorts of folks. Folks that I suppose we're just supposed to assume are pro-coal. The really weird part about it? They don't have any pictures of miners. No pictures of miners families. No pictures of mines. Now granted, mines and miners (when they're working!) are not the cleanest things you've ever laid eyes on. Coal is a dirty business. Literally! So that could be why. But couldn't they have at least thrown in one of those helmets with the cool light on the front of it somewhere in some photo? What about one of those little picks that I always see little cartoon miners carrying around? Something like that? Nope. Nowhere.

Instead you get photos of things like a woman standing out in front of a flower shop with a bunch of flowers. Flowers that would never grow that pretty and that bright if they were all choking under the dark cloud of coal soot.

Photos of people all congregated together and all wearing white and looking quite spiffy and clean. They'd never be that white if they were working in a coal mine. I can't imagine that they'd even be that white if they were working anywhere near a coal mine!

Photos of people...white river rafting? Those people are in favor of coal? Really? I don't know that they really are. Are they sure about this?

Wait. Firefighters are in favor of coal power? They are?

So are kids doing science projects? (At least they're wearing goggles. Now if we can just get some of those helmets with lights on them, then you'll really be on the road to convincing me!)

So all of these people support using coal as energy? Interesting. See, now if we had craniums that were just as soft as melted ice cream, we'd believe this. But we don't, do we? No. Of course not. We're going to want to know more about these alleged coal supporters. And while we might not be softheads and might be very inquisitive, we might also just be a little lazy and hope to God that someone else does this work for us. All hail the mighty Grist.org. They seem to be the folks that sort of noticed that these random people might not have been so random after all. In fact, these people were deliberately chosen to be the faces of coal for the FACES of Coal website. But not because they actually suppose using coal, but because their pictures were available at iStockPhoto.com. Behold!

The people in the white hallway? The ones who seemed just a little too clean (and way too diverse)?
Oh, what the hell?! Even fireman guy?!

Are you kidding me?! The science kids? But they had goggles!!

Aw, not the white water river rafters too!! Say it ain't so!!

All right, now cut that out! The last three were compliments of the folks over there at Appalachian Voices. Wow. People who want us to support using coal think that we're just idiots. When in reality, folks, this is the Internet. If I have learned one thing from the emergence of said Internet, it's that lots of folks have lots and lots and lots of time. Just the sort of time that you need to put in a little thought and a little effort so as to uncover scams like the FACES (or should that be FARCES) of Coal folks. (By the way, those folks that have that kind of time would seemingly not include the folks over there at FARCES of Coal because they couldn't even take the time to go out and take pictures of real coal supporters and could only squeeze in enough time to raid the photographic coffers over at iStockPhoto.com. Don't get me wrong; those people in those photos could very much be supporters of coal as an energy source. But I highly doubt that they were found under the "People Who Really Like Coal" category at iStockPhoto. Just a hunch.)

So keep that helmet on if you need it and just keep on paying attention! It'll get better for you. It'll get easier. And if you're helmet free because you're not a softhead, well, congratulations. I'm sure that reading this blog was of great help to you! (Actually, it's probably because you're not a softhead that you've read this blog. And it's because I'm not a softhead either that I'd like to say thank you very much and I appreciate it.) Either way, don't believe everything you read and if it's on the Internet, be very, very skeptical, especially if someone is trying to get you to join "their side". Always think twice. Then run. Quickly. In the other direction. As fast as you can.

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