What Is This Relic?

I was out and about today and I saw the item pictured below. It looked vaguely familiar, but I just couldn't quite place it. It was like it came from another time and another place. It almost kind of looks like a precursor to my cell phone, but with all of those buttons on there and that long cord-like looking thing, it couldn't be. Well, whatever it is, I found it fascinating.

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Don't Answer That

And in another useless move to attempt to promote safe sex and raise awareness of HIV and AIDS, the BBC World Service Trust brings you "condom a cappella", a mobile phone ringtone that chants "condom, condom". Wait. What?

Correct. According to the fine folks down under at news.com.au, this idea is "designed to break down Indians' reluctance to discuss condom use and to make wearing a condom more acceptable." The organizers of this campaign "hope the ringtone will become a craze among young Indians." I'm not so sure if this is a good thing to hope for. Wearing a condom? Sure, hope for that. Throngs of people who own and love a phone that belts out "condom, condom" every time it rings? Not so much. Who am I kidding here? What the hell?!

Who thinks this is a good idea? (I swear to you, if this "catches on" and bazillions of people have this damn ringtone, I'm going to build a walled off compound in the mountains of Montana (a la the Unabomber), move in and never come out.) Well, I guess that Radharani Mitra, who is the creative director of the BBC World Service Trust, thinks it's a good idea. That person said, "Ringtones have become such personal statements that a specially created condom ringtone seemed just the right way of combining a practical message with a fun approach." Uh-huh. Blink-blink. Stare. Blink-blink.

My ringtone is none. My phone is always, always on vibrate. What does that say about me? (Aside from the fact that I'll admit it feels great when it's in my pocket?) What's my practical message? Oh, I know. It says that I find the ringing of cell phones in public rude and annoying and I am not so insecure that I need to prove to the entire world that I am popular by having my cell phone ring for all of humanity to hear when I am in a public place. It also says that I will not be having a ringtone that chants "condom, condom" any time soon or ever because why would I?

What's next? Ringtones for the overweight and obese? "Fat ass, fat ass!" "Have a salad! Try a small cone!" Ringtones for the recovering alcoholic? "Coffee! Soda!" "Go to a meeting! Go to a meeting!" Ringtones for drug addicts? "Clean needles! Don't share!" "Hepatitis C! Hepatitis C!" Ringtones for public fornicators? "Get a room! Get a room!" The sad and pathetic list is almost endless.

Radharani Mitra also said that, "The idea is to tackle the inhibitions and taboos that can be associated with condoms.'' How about you tackle the "inhibitions and taboos that can be associated" with having your phone belt out "condom, condom" whenever it rings? THAT seems like something that should be leading the way in the "taboo" category. It reminds me of the Little Caesar's slogan "Pizza! Pizza!" This condom ringtone is going to be like the Little Caesar's of prophylactics. It could even have the same effect as "Pizza! Pizza!" does on most people, that being that when you hear "Pizza! Pizza!", you think something to the effect of, "Mmmmm...pizza. Pizza." Will people hear "condom, condom" and think, "Mmmmm.....sex. Sex." ? It's possible. I mean, after all, it usually takes a lot less than "condom, condom" to get people thinking about sex. Exhaling, for example, is usually sufficient.

I suppose I could give this a little bit of time and see if it's successful, but it won't be, so why wait? Look, if these folks want this to have any chance at all of succeeding, they're going to need to market it better. I'm thinking they need to get Apu (from The Simpsons) to be their spokesperson/cartoon and/or the condom a cappella voice. That way the ringtone could belt out, "Condom, condom. Thank you. Come again." Hil-arious. Hey, it'd be better than those two chaps down there on the right who have clearly never had the need to use a condom. I guess the opportunity just never arose. (Oh, what?! Like I can't make one joke involving a pun within the penis-erection genre?! Come on!)

By the way, you can listen to the ringtone at condomcondom.org. Just a word of warning, if you click on that link, the ringtone will start playing automatically. It's annoying and it chants "condom" in an a cappella-y fashion just like it claims it does.

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Can You Hear Me Now? That's Not So Good

You wouldn't think that the telephone could cause so many problems. Or be blamed for so many things. Actually, you'd probably think that there would be only a small number of things that you actually could blame on the phone. After all, it's a phone. But a woman in Tunis (that's in Tunisia. See how they did that?) has claimed that she was raped. During a phone call. By the guy on the other end of the phone. That is correct.

This from the fine, but very vague, folks over there at UPI. According to them, a 20-year old womand was having a phone conversation with a 30-year old man. The man says he never touched her, a seemingly believable defense since he was on the other end of the PHONE. While he didn't touch her, he DID say that he heard her scream (when they were "totally into" their erotic phone conversation) and that she reported bleeding. OK, stop. Wait. What?

She reported bleeding? To HIM? Honey, that's probably the reason why you're having "erotic conversations" on the phone with guys instead of just going out and getting a little. Guys don't want to all of a sudden hear that you're bleeding. Actually, women don't want to hear that either. A bit of discretion, ma'am. That's all we're asking.

The lawyer who is representing the family who is alleging that their daughter was raped, a one Maha al-Metebaa (Anyone else thinking about sheep right now?), said that this case needs careful investigation (do ya think?) because it has unprecedented allegations. (I should say that it does! Not only are they "unprecedented" they're also rather "unfounded".) The lawyer said that a medical examination determined that the 20-year old woman was no longer a virgin. (Ohhhh. OK. Do you see where this is going? Or, more accurately, do you see where this (she) has been?)

al-Metebaa said, "The intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only. The sexual act did not really happen because the physical proximity factor is not there, yet it happened because there is a direct physical impact – the loss of virginity." Ah, geez.

So, because she's no longer a "virgin" and she said that during this conversation is when it happened, then it's true? Because she's not a virgin? Of course, there is absolutely NO possibility at all that she could have, oh, I don't know, lost her virginity at an earlier time and used this ridiculous story as a way to cover that up? Lost her virginity, misplaced it, forgot she had it, something like that. Bottom line: Has had sex before. More than once. Is lying her ass off.

And someone has to ask, so it might as well be me. Was there a wombat involved?

This definitely gives new meaning to "Reach out and touch someone."

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