Mock Everything

Yesterday was simply exhausting. Don't get me wrong. It had nothing to do with Valentine's Day. No, not at all. In fact, let me sum up my feelings about the ol' V.D. Here we go...

So, yeah. Whatever. It was, however, brought to my attention that I somehow overlooked including Nicki Minaj in my Grammy fashion montage yesterday. How that happened I have no idea because it is definitely something that should have been addressed. But I'm good with being a day late. Timeliness is often overrated anyway. Behold!

Yes, if it appears that she's dressed as some sort of weird Little Red Riding Hood who is being escorted by a faux Pope, then you've clearly grasped the content of her outfit. What is still perplexing me is the reason behind such an outfit. Oh, wait. It's the Grammys. She appears to be channeling Lady Gaga and 1990s Madonna in an effort to be "shocking" on live national TV during "music's biggest night of the year". I don't know about you, but I'm bored with shock. It's just not that "shocking" anymore. Come on, we have the Internet. If you're looking to be shocked and you're turning to a nationally televised prime time music awards show instead of going online, I fear for the day when you stumble across something on the Internet which is truly shocking. You don't know what "shocking" is unless you've crawled through the underbelly of the Internet for a little while. There are things on there from which one might not ever recover. But a "shocking" act at the Grammys? Please. Gimme something I can work with.

Regardless of how not shocking the sorts of performances like Nicki Minaj's are, they still occur for some reason. What she did was dress up like Little Red Riding Hood and then had herself surrounded by fire and dancers. I think it was supposed to represent hell. (It represented my own personal hell. Dancing? That would be hell for me.) But then the Pope guy showed up again and there was some sort of "levitation" that took place. Still fire. Still dancing. Little Red Riding Hood is floating and some guy dressed like the Pope then performs an "exorcism". Shocking, right? Not to me. I thought it was a bit ridiculous, but I wasn't shocked. I certainly wasn't appalled. Can't say that I can say the same for some Catholics and for some Catholic based organizations. Yeah, they were not amused.

Here's the thing: As it was pointed out by someone named Bill Donohue of something called the Catholic League (a name that makes it sound like they fight crime), "None of this was by accident, and all of it was approved by The Recording Academy, which puts on the Grammys" I'm OK with them approving it. (Would I rather that someone not seemingly mock a religion in a public forum such as the Grammys? Yeah, I think I would. But that doesn't mean that I think that it shouldn't happen. If an "artist" wants to mock religion, how about if they do it on their album or in their songs that people can choose to listen to if they want and not subject everyone to it?) But what I want to know is what if it was another religion that she wanted to mock?

Think about it for a second. What if she wanted to mock Islam? Can you imagine the massive s-storm that would ensue?! Oh, we'd never heard the end of it and I'm sure that there would be "Death to America" chants coming from various sand lands around the globe. Or what about Judaism? If someone got up there at the Grammys and made a mockery of the Jews, I think the world's head might explode. So what makes it OK to mock the Catholics? What's the difference between that and mocking Islam? Oh, right. Muslim extremists want to kill us. Hmmm. That's problematic, but it shouldn't be an excuse that works. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that the Catholics adopt the tactics of Muslim extremists. (I'm not suggesting that the Muslim extremists adopt the tactics of the Muslim extremists.) I'm just pointing out that it's so weird that mocking some religions seems to be perfectly OK and mocking others seems to be complete taboo. Mock ALL religions!

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Grammy Fashion Spectacles

I got all distracted yesterday with the inevitable demise of Whitney Houston that I totally overlooked the fashion at the Grammys. Now, I'm not so much of a fashion monger as much as I probably am a fashion monger. Don't get me wrong. I know what pants are. I just don't care. See the difference? Whichever way it is wouldn't really matter because I'd be telling you what I thought about what a bunch of really rich people were wearing whether you liked it or not. And I'd start with Fergie. Behold!

Aside from her looking like an orange traffic cone, I gotta say that I'm a little disappointed that the one time that Fergie wears a see through outfit in a well-lit environment that she's wearing Granny panties. Throw us a bone, Fergie! I guess it could have been worse. She could have shown up wearing whatever someone named Robyn had on. Behold!

OK, I'm going to go right ahead and just confess that I have no idea who Robyn is. I also have no idea what she's wearing. Is that a cape? Or a veil? Why is her t-shirt tucked into her Granny panties? And exactly where does she plan on hiking with boots such as those? They seem highly impractical for any sort of wooded trail. Whoever this woman is (if she is, in fact, a woman for sure), her skirt is a little short. Can't she cover up a little bit? Maybe like....

OK, maybe not that much. What's with the house coat, Valerie Simpson? Did she stop off at a southwestern gift shop and pick up that ensemble on her way to the Grammys? Was there also a hurricane? She looks a little toussled. Wind blown, even. Like she got caught up in a storm on the way to pick up some Haagen Dazs. Speaking of windblown, did you see Rihanna?

Sure, that looks like a perfectly healthy weight. Absolutely. And if the camera adds ten pounds, then that means she must weigh all of eighty. Have a sandwich once in a while, sweetie. And don't leave your hair in the curling iron for so long. That's how you end up with those fried ends there. No one wants to see that. Then again, she does have "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her fingers. Maybe that's the thug way. Frying your hair until it's just a mop of frizz. Isn't there a fresh, young singer on the scene today that can show us something...else?

NO! Rebecca Black does NOT count! Why is she even at the Grammys? She had that awful and ironic hit 'Friday' that makes me want to kill myself whenever I hear it. She does not count. What else is there?

Umm...no. But...thanks? Yeah, no. Who? Skylar Grey? Never heard of her. Wish I'd never seen her. Anything else? Anything?

She looks like a fruity drink that you'd get at a tropical bar. You know. The kind of drink that you think looks good, but then you realize that it is staring right at you and will never blink. The kind of drink that looks a little crazy and no matter how hard you try, you can't remember what it's called. No, I just want someone who attended the Grammys who looked good. Who looked classy. There's gotta be someone.

Oh, finally! Carrie Underfed to save the day! Man, she's good looking. And she seems like a genuinely good person. She seems humble and grateful and just like a regular person who has her act together in spite of all of her fame and success. I highly doubt that we're ever going to find her underwater in a hotel bathtub. Too soon? Nah. More like too late. Gramm

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Who Wore What To The Grammys

Grammy time! Obligatory post about fashion time! Comments from people who take this sort of thing way too seriously calling me an idiot time! Let's begin!

First things first. For quite a while now, Aretha Franklin has looked like she has eaten most of the folks who were up for Grammys. To say that she has been large is an understatement. But thanks to some undisclosed surgery for some undisclosed ailment (which had previously been disclosed as pancreatic cancer, but was then retracted and changed to undisclosed) she has lost a considerable amount of disclosed weight. While she didn't attend the actual Grammy ceremonies, she did appear on video looking much, much better. Behold!

See what an improvement that is from her Big Bird impersonation from a few years back?

See? Much better. And I hope that she keeps on getting better. No one should go through life being compared to a giant, flightless, avian Muppet. No one. Moving on, John Mayer made a douche-tastic appearance. He kind of looks like he's trying to be one of the Three Musketeers. I don't know which one. Maybe Balthasar. No, wait. He was a Wise Man. Never mind. Maybe he just wants to be Johnny Depp. Either way, it's not working. He's a tool.

Funny how he looks like a d-bag when donning the white jacket look, but when Justin Bieber tries it on, he (or she) looks like a waiter or a bartender. Check, please! (Justin needs to take a good, long look at Seth Rogen, as in about 15 years, that's going to be him.)

Nice sparkly silver pants there, Ricky. What's that? You say you're gay? Really? I never would have guessed.

A one Ciana decided to kick it superhero style with her outfit. All she needs now are some magic bracelets and an invisible plane and she can waltz right into the Hall of Justice, no questions asked.

Am I the only one who thought that Katy Perry's dress looked like a long condom with angel wings in the back? No, I don't know why a condom would have angel wings. That's just one more reason why it confused the heck out of me.

And I can absolutely overlook the fact that Kelly Osbourne looked like she was wearing a ruffly bath mat because she looked just stunning in it. Good for her. I guess that little dancing contest that she participated in a little while ago really did wonders for her body. She looks fabulous.

Then there was a one Rihanna who showed up wearing some sort of furry venetian blind number. I still don't quite get it. Where's the little wand that hangs off the side to flip them up and down?

I'm not fond of children acting like adults. I think that's why I really detest this photo of Willow Smith. What's with those shoes? Is she holding a crown? I'm done here.

And finally, we have Lady Gaga. She arrived in an egg, of course. Wait. What now? An egg? Yes. An egg. An egg-egg? Sort of. I mean, it was an egg. See for yourself. Behold!

See? It's an egg...of...some sort. Is she really in there, you ask? Someone is in there. Er, something. I don't really know for sure. Whatever. Behold!

Hmm. Yep. She's in there all right. OK, then. I mean, I guess it could be worse. She could be in another meat suit. Maybe one made of all chicken this time. Ew! Gross. Yeah, the egg is much better than the meat. If she wasn't so talented, I'd be more critical of her. But she really has an amazing set of pipes on her, so I'm just going to leave it all at the egg!

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Who Wore What to the Grammys

The Grammys were last night. (How come it isn't Grammies? Shouldn't it be Grammies? Maybe. But it's not. It's Grammys. But I digress.) And, as is my tradition with all of these self-congratulatory awards shows, I feel the need to review the fashion that presents itself. And I will say that I was rather disappointed this year. Sure, there's the mockable. That goes without saying with any of these awards shows. But there just wasn't the vast amount of choices that I usually have to gawk over and make fun of this year as there have been in year's past. (Anyone who suggests that it was low-key out of respect for the tragedy in Haiti gets stabbed.)

From the buzzy folks over there at Celebuzz.com, we have a one Ke$ha. And to quote those very witty and very funny folks from Celebuzz.com, " She looks like a figure skater doing the walk of shame the morning after prom." Couldn't have said it better myself. Behold!

Um, yeah. OK, first of all, I'm not a fan of the symbols as part of a name. That dollar sign there in place of the "S"? That just doesn't do it for me? What say you use some of that $ that you've been earning and go out and buy yourself an "S", all right?

Here we have the American Idol runner up from last year, a one Adam Lambert.

Adam seems to be going for a look that is somewhat of a cross between Alice Cooper and Colonel Sanders. Behold!

The chap below is Mike Sorrentino. You might know him as "The Situation", but only if you have a penchant for watching trashy MTV shows like Jersey Shore. Mike is very proud of his stomach and he has absolutely earned that right, it looks swell. I just don't know if he needs to be unbuttoning his shirt at the Grammys. We've seen it. We know. And his sideburns that he shaved into what appears to be a "J"? Well, that's a whole different situation right there.


Speaking of Jersey Shore, here we have a one Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki. Now Snooki is famous for, among other things, her "bump" on her hair. She has the whole Bumpit thing going on only without the Bumpit. But here she is at the Grammys and she is sans bump. What's up with that? We only keep reality show participants like her around for a reason and her reason is the bump. Without the bump, she more useless than she is with the bump. (Granted, with a dress that freaking short, most people aren't even going to notice that she has hair, but I'm just sayin'.) Bring your bump next time, Snooki. Bring it.

This is someone named Sheila Durcal. I have no idea who she is or what she does. Even more perplexing to me is why she is wearing a dress that looks like a walking advertisement for one of the PAAS Easter egg decorating kits. It's very strange.

This is a woman named Niecy Nash. I'm not real sure who she is either. But I'm also not real sure about her dress. Did part of it fall down? It's like the world's biggest dust ruffle or something down there. It looks lost.

Hi, Sheri Jones-Moffett? Yeah, Daniel called and he'd like his coat of many colors back.

Here we have one Rihanna with a very large shoulder accessory. After the debacle that preluded last year's Grammys, perhaps she was just looking for a little added protection for herself. You know, in case some little jackass thought about pulling a stunt like he did last year. (How happy was I to not see that jackass Chris Brown anywhere in that place? Very. That is correct.)

And finally, it just wouldn't be fashion at the Grammys if we didn't have a look at a one Lady Gaga.

She kind of has that Dee Snider look going on up top and sort of a spun sugar/cotton candy thing going on with the lower half. Either way, it's pretty mello for Lady Gaga. (Good Lord, I can't believe I just wrote that.)

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You Wore That To The Grammys?

The Grammys are like a horrific car crash that you just cannot bring yourself to look away from. Everything is screaming inside of your head, "Avert your eyes! Avert your gaze!!" And yet you continue to look until you are the one actually screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!!" However, you quickly realize that the pain was worth it because man did you see a lot of really good really bad outfits. Holy cow. Let's review, shall we?

Here we have a one American Idol judge Paula Abdul sporting a lovely bright yellow ensemble that appears to have been inspired by both Big Bird and Queen Nefertiti with just a touch of C3PO on the left shoulder.

Yellow alone is a risky move at the Grammys, but to be inspired by that of a large avian Muppet, a British Star Wars droid and ancient Egypt is definitely treading upon a slippery slope indeed.

This chiquita would be Solange. She must have been in a hurry to make it to the Grammys on time as she ran out the door wearing only her towel. Presumedly the hexagon shaped bag contains her body wash and loofah.

This is Dan Balan. I know that because that's what the caption beneath the photo said when I saw it online. Otherwise, I would have not a clue as to who he was and actually, I still don't. But I do know his name. He was apparently under the impression that the Grammys would be awarded in 3-D and so he brought his own glasses.

I love Cyndi Lauper, but I can't say that this is the best look for her (it's definitely not the best photo). Her facial expressions seem to say, "I cannot believe I am at another one of these things! My God, how many more times do I have to do this and be pleasant about it?"

This individual would be named Tiny, a name seemingly given to her before all of the breast implants.

I saw this photo and wondered how many other of the homeless scored tickets to the Grammys. Turns out, he's not homeless, he's T-Pain. (I'm guessing the "T" stands for "The" as in "The Pain", which is what is experience by those who look at him in that get up.) He has apparently tried to fashion himself some Cat in the Hat head wear out of a paper grocery bag. Nice job. Perhaps take up some origami instead, dude. Sadly, he too received the Dan Balan memo that the Grammys would be in 3-D.

This would be LeAnn Rimes sporting her gladiator costume. Did she leave that helmet with the scrub brush top in the car? It really is the accessory that would have made the whole outfit really pop!

I can't do much less than simply heap praise upon Jennifer Hudson for not only attending the Grammys, but performing as well. I only wish that she had not chosen an outfit which made me wonder why she didn't take that thing off before leaving the dentist.

To the left we have Estelle and below we have Estelle and Kim Kardashian. Estelle has apparently decided to reveal her secret identity as some sort of superhero by attending the Grammys in her crime fighting attire. It's very sparkly. Like a holiday. And Kim has decided to attend dressed as her alter-ego Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell doesn't fight crime, but she makes a very busty sidekick for Estelle, don't you think?

Here we have a very pregnant one M.I.A. There are plenty of things going through my head right now about her outfit, but as far as I can tell, she doesn't have fourteen children, she's only giving birth to one child, not eight, and on top of that she does have a job. So, really, given some other current events in the news lately, I'm not complaining about this one at all. Nope. Nothing bad to say at all.

The three below are from the files of "OMG, Put On Some Clothes!" (Yes! You have an arse and you have a vagina! We KNOW!!! NO need to give us the visual!) Seriously, what are some people thinking when they leave the house wearing an outfit that they borrowed from a very short second grader? Why buy the loaf when they're giving away the slices for free? Granted, I don't think I'd be in the very long line to sample any of that, but you know what I'm saying, right? Put on a freaking parka, correct.

Here we have Coldplay with frontman Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, don't worry; you guys don't look gay at all. Oh, but the circus called and they'd like their ringmaster uniforms back.

Uh, I think the Harry Potter movie auditions are down the hall and to the left, ma'am.

And finally, we have a one Sheryl Crow to which I will say what I think we're all thinking: Wow. Who knew?

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