Sunday, February 5, 2012

Nice Shirt

I'm not a fan of the mushroom. I find them to have the consistency of an eraser. If that's the sort of sensation that I wanted, I'd just go an find a #2 pencil to chew on rather than seek out a mushroom. But Belinda and Daniel Conne do not feel the same way about mushrooms as I do. They apparently really like mushrooms. They like them so much that they went out into the forest to hunt for something called the hedgehog mushroom. (It is "...an orange-topped fungus prized by mushroom hunters for its sweet and nutty flavor." If they say so. I'm not eating one to find out.) And wouldn't you know it, they got lost. And I mean lost. They were lost in a forest in Oregon for six days. That's really lost.

Now, when someone is lost it is customary (and probably useful) for a picture of the lost individual(s) to be handed out and shown to folks so that they know who they're looking for. If you don't know what the lost person looks like, you're not so much out looking for them as much as you are just wandering around. But let me just say this: If I'm ever lost and a photo of me needs to be circulated to the public, I hope that my friends and family can provide a picture of me with as equally as nice of a shirt as Mr. Conne had on in the picture that was circulated of the couple. Behold!

That's just lovely. Can't quite see if? Mr. Conne's shirt appears to depict several skeletal couples in various sexual positions. They're f***ing, if you will. Effing skeletons. Literally! I realize that image might be a bit hard to see, so I've scoured the Internet looking for a better picture of that very search. (Yeah, let's just hope there's no reason for anyone to go through my Internet history any time soon. That's all I need is to have that sort of search showing up. No, really, I can explain!) Behold!

Yeah, that's what I want to be wearing when I go missing. That's what I want people to be looking at in the handout photos of me. Seriously, were there NO other pictures of this man where he wasn't wearing an article of clothing which depicted sexual acts? I'm going to have to say that I bet that there was at least one. Maybe even two. But for some reason, someone decided that this was the one to go with! Remember that the next time you're thinking about wearing a shirt like this:

Or even this:

Because remember, you could end up missing and your probably well-meaning (but not straight thinking) family might hand out these pictures to the public. Then you will forever be known as the guy in the fornicating skeleton shirt (or the d**khead) who got his ass lost while looking for mushrooms. That's no way to go through life, son. Trust me.

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